Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Mad Libs Recap: Angels 12, Tigers 7

I don’t like writing game recaps. When I first started DesigNate Robertson, initially it was going to be a much more serious blog featuring analysis, recaps, and player profiles with the occasional humor thrown in. Quickly, I got bored with that and went to the current approach of “throw crap against the wall, see what sticks, and say the ‘f’ word a lot” format that many of you have grown to know and love/loathe.

Oftentimes, I’ll hear from some more respected authors of other sites that tell me they wish they could just let loose, curse, and say what they really think like I do here. They’re unable to do that since they’re on sites that don’t allow that kind of nonsense. They have to remain professional, something I respect because I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure like they do. That’s a big part of my enjoyment here. It’s only me here, I don’t answer to anyone, and I say whatever stupid things come into my head.

But in doing so, I turn off as many readers as I do entertain others. It’s a tradeoff that I came to terms with a long time ago. But still, maybe I do curse too much. Maybe there’s something else I could do to creatively (and humorously) express myself other than calling Don Kelly filthy names.

In a response I left on my MILDLY successful twitter account (@DNR_Rogo) to one of those respected author-types today who remarked that he wished he could curse in his game recap, I suggested that instead of cursing, he replace any curse word with a Mad Lib type word. That sounded funny to me. And suddenly, the 40 watt light bulb went off over my head. “Durr…I could do that at DNR. Might be funny. Harf.”

So that’s what I’m going to do. The following is a recap of today’s 12-7 loss to the Angels, done Mad Libs style. Whenever I feel the need to curse, I’ll replace the curse word with another word from a common theme. Today’s theme is after the jump.

Hillbilly pile of (Greedo), Brad Penny, started for the Tigers today against the Angels. Erick Aybar led things off for them with a bunt single. What a (Dark Sith)y start. Amazingly, he got thrown out by Victor Martinez, catching for the Tigers today, despite V-Mart having the arm strength of a limp-wristed (Ewok). Penny would get out of the first unscathed.

Joel Pinero started for LA which was scary as (Droid) since his best start of the season came against Detroit when he allowed only one run in seven innings against them. The lucky son of a (Hoth) has been successful in his career against the Tigers, as he entered the game 8-3 with a 3.16 ERA against them. In the first, Brennan Boesch would walk, but Maggs would line into a double play swinging at the first pitch. (Jar Jar Binks).

In the second, Mark Trumbo hit a two-run homer off Penny, his second (Palpatine)ing homer off Penny this year. Peter Bourjos followed that with a double and .180 hitting Jeff Mathis followed that with an RBI single making it 3-0. You’ve got to be (Wookie)ing me, I thought.

Miguel Cabrera led off the bottom of the second with a homer to center. Big (Rancor)ing hit, but that’s all they’d get in the second.

In the bottom of the third, Jim Leyland was ejected for the fourth time in the past month or so, this time for arguing that Austin Jackson was hit by a pitch. Of course the (Dagobah)ing umps missed it and called it a foul ball. I can only assume that Jim told one of the umps to go (Forest Moon of Endor) himself. Oddly, it was the first base ump that ejected him. Someone really should file a complaint with MLB about the umpires continuing to (Use the force) us in the (R2-D2). With two outs, Boesch hit an RBI single to make it 3-2.

In the fourth, Howie Kendrick led off with a single. The next batter was Trumbo who promptly tripled in Kendrick. 4-2. Trumbo’s a mother(Sarlacc). Bourjos quickly followed that with an RBI double. 5-2 now, as the bottom of the Angels lineup is killing Penny.

At this point, Penny and V-Mart started arguing on the mound about something. I’m not great at reading lips, but I think Penny called Victor a filthy (Mon Mothma) while V-Mart said that Penny’s breath smelled like Alyssa Milano’s reeking (Lando Calrissian). Jeff Jones had to come out and break them up. As V-Mart walked away, Penny grabbed his (light saber). Classy, Brad. Classy.

With one out, it was Aybar again with an RBI single to make it 6-2. Exit Penny, enter Charlie Fur(Boba Fett). Torii Hunter singled in Aybar to make it 7-2. At this point, I started screaming “(Death Star) you” over and over again. Fur(Yoda) then induced a double play to get out of it.

Bottom of fourth, Cabrera doubles and V-Mart singles to make it first and third, no outs. Don’t (Jawa) this up, I thought. Peralta made it a Venezualan trifecta with an RBI single to make it 7-3. Two batters later, Andy Dirks had a two run single. 7-5. Awesome. That’s the end for Pinero. Amazed we actually hit the son of a (Stromtrooper) today.

McClendon pinch hit for walking pile of horse (Kenobi) Don Kelly in the 4th inning with Wilson Betemit, immediately making him my second favorite Tigers manager ever, after Sparky. Sorry, Tram. Boesch with his second RBI single made it 7-6.

For some reason, Lloyd had Chance Ruffin pitching after that. Didn’t make much sense to have Fur(Millenium Falcon) in there for only two-thirds of an inning and it only being the fifth. Chance did a good job before turning the ball over to David Purcey in the 7th. This is where the (Rebel Base)ing game went to (It’s a trap!).

Old as (Cloud City) Bobby Abreu led off with a single. Then Purcey walked Vernon Wells. Alberto Callaspo tried to bunt, but (Anakin)head Purcey couldn’t throw a strike and walked him, too. Bases loaded for Howie Kendrick and Purcey gets to a 2-0 count. Lloyd amazingly then said “(Phantom Menace) it” and pulled him mid-batter. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen that happen.

Coke entered and gave up a two-run single to Kendrick. 9-6 Angels. Mother(Naboo)ing Trumbo followed with a two run double. 11-6. With one out and up five runs in the seventh, Jeff Mathis drops a bunt. I immediately call for Coke to (Padme)ing drill someone in the (Wicket). Too bad he was too big a (Qui-gon) to enforce the unwritten rules. A groundout ended up bringing in Trumbo, making it 12-6.

Then, just to be (Mace Windu)s, the Angels brought in Fernando Rodney in the bottom of the seventh. He gets a 1-2-3 inning. Go (Tauntaun) yourself, Rodney.

Scott Downs followed Rodney and allowed a solo homer to Betemit making it 12-7. That would be it for the scoring as the Angels prevailed. This team (Sand people)ing (Alderaan)es me off sometimes.

Tiger Heroes:

Alex Avila, Jose Valverde, and Ramon Santiago because they didn’t play in this (scruffy nerf herder) of a game.

Tiger Goats:

Brad Penny: 3.1 IP, 9 H, 7 ER, 1 BB, 0 K

David Purcey: 0.0 IP, 1 H, 3 ER, 2 BB, 0 K

Magglio Ordonez: 0-5, 5 LOB

By the way, Purcey has now moved past Don Kelly and Brad Thomas as the member of the Tiger organization I’d most like to see get gang (TIE Fighter)ed in the (Jedi). Purcey is awful.

There. A nice, clean recap with no swearing. Wasn’t that a nice change of pace?

/re-reads piece

Holy (Jabba), this was terrible…sorry.


h2opolopunk said...

(Millenium Falcon) brilliant dude! Especially the Fur(Jawas) jokes.

JacksTigers said...

I was at the games and couldn't tell what V-Mart and Penny were bitching about. So, do you know what was going on and what were Rod and Mario saying?

SRogo said...

I believe the story they're going with now is that Penny didn't like how Victor was going through the signs with a runner on 2nd. Who knows for sure.

Jay Hathaway said...

Being a big Star Wars dork (I still play the Star Wars Galaxies MMO game every day), I can appreciate this (Dengar)ing funny piece of (Corellia).

ggt said...

This would have been much easier with The Smurfs.

JacksTigers said...

Smurf you, you dirty smurf!
Hey, you're right.

Bill Bensch said...

I am reading this at work and have lost it laughing out loud enough times that my co-workers think I'm a raving lunatic