Today, our beloved Detroit Tigers are out west visiting the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (brought to you by Disney). It’s a 10:00 eastern start, so this may actually be useful to one of you for once, as it may be too late for some of you suckers with early starting jobs. Also, Justin Verlander is pitching tonight, thank Satan. Sadly, Dan Haren’s pitching for the Angels, so we’ll probably be lucky to get a hit tonight.
1. Vote Victor!
2. If Rod and/or Mario mention Derek Jeter tonight, I’m going to burn down a preschool. My goodness, sports personalities…there are other stories out there, you know. If Jeter played his whole career anywhere else, he’d be Michael Young. Yes I’ve said that before…just so irritated by it all.
3. Finally, tonight’s episode of Keeping Score is brought to you by the letter “V”. V as in Vicodin. Toothache? What toothache? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…bring on the typos!
TOP OF THE FIRST
-Rod says that Dan Haren’s a “quality pitcher”. Perhaps later, we’ll all get lucky and Rod will inform us that water is wet and the sky is occasionally blue.
-Does Haren have a mullet? Sweet.
-Austin Jackson leads it off for the Tigers. He’s looked like shit again lately. Meanwhile, Granderson has 58 homers already. I can’t believe mLive hasn’t exploded over this yet. Thank goodness Raburn has the psycho crowd over there (you know who I mean) distracted.
-AJax pops out to the first baseman. One down.
-Brennan Boesch is next. I’m amazed. Kelly’s starting and isn’t second? Did Brookens make out the lineup card tonight?
-Quickly 0-2…Brennan looks lost against Haren.
-He K’s, but the catcher loses it and Boesch is safe at first. Oops.
-That brings Magglio up. Remember Magglio? The guy who all you pricks wanted to give up on? Huh? Everyone except ME? I’m awesome.
-Maggs lines out to center. CUT HIS ASS!
-Two down for Miguel Cabrera. He’s DHing today while VMart plays first. Mig’s not getting paid by the hour and flies out on the first pitch. Inning over.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-Maicer Izturis is leading off for LAoA. Really, you have nine months to come up with a name and you pick "Maicer"?
-A word of warning…if memory serves, JV usually hits 100 pitches by the fourth inning when I do these recaps on his starts. If that happens again, sorry. Blame Raburn. Everyone else does.
-Izturis flies out to AJax. JV HAS ANOTHER NO HITTER GOING! OMG!
-Torii Hunter is second? Really? Grounder DEEP in the hole…Peralta GOT HIM! Remember when everyone said he had no range? Everyone is fucking dumb. Nice play and a great throw.
-Bobby Abreu is quickly down 0-2 after a sweet changeup by JV. He gets the count back full, but Verlander gets him looking on another nice off speed pitch. Abreu doesn’t like that. Abreu can eat a cock.
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Apparently, Abreu got ejected for arguing the strike three call. Thank you Angel Campos, the first umpire this year to not try to screw the Tigers over by any means necessary.
-Victor Martinez, my choice for Tigers first-half MVP (I’ll explain in a week or so) is up. He grounds out to second. See Victor? That’s why Konerko’s beating you so far in the All-Star vote!
-Jhonny Peralta swings at the first pitch…AND FUCK. Vernon Wells robs him of a double with a great running catch.
-Rod says the Angels outfield has saved them 26 runs this year. There’s no way he looked that up on his own.
-Ha…Rod just said he has no idea where that stat came from.
-Alex Avila is up and hopefully he’ll take a fucking pitch, unlike everyone else. He’s as close to clean shaven as he can get tonight. Kinda looks like a scary lesbian that way. Not as much as Armando Galarraga did, but yeah. Grow the beard back Alex…I’m sure it’ll be there by the fifth inning.
-Avila strikes out. Shit.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Vernon Wells is up. Wow…Hunter, Abreu, and Wells. That’d be a great 2-3-4 combo…six years ago. Vernon eventually gets done counting Toronto’s money and steps into the box.
-Rod said Wells has been “pull happy” this year. Better than “push sad”, I guess.
-Fuck you, I’m in pain, okay? They can’t all be good ones.
-Long drive…FOUL? I think the Angels got screwed there. Replay shows it WAS fair. Or close. Thanks, Angel Hernandez, nice umpire #2.
-Wait…two umps named Angel? In an Angels game? And they’re fucking over the Angels? These pills are AWESOME!
-Wells strikes out swinging. Wells looks unhappy. TOSS HIM, BLUE!
-Howie Kendrick is next. The first time I ever heard of him, Reggie Willits was also on the Angels. I just assumed that Howie was white and Reggie was black. Wrong on both counts. You see? You can’t judge a book by its cover, kids. Next time you see your team has signed a guy named D’Brickashaw? You never know…he might be Asian. When you assume...
-Kendrick hits a Willy “Mays” Hayes “oops” grounder to Peralta…called safe! Infield hit…but the replay shows he was out. Fuck you, Country Joe! We need a guy named Angel umping at first!
-If JV ends up throwing a one-hitter, he’d better win a fucking ESPY. Just don’t write a book with Joe, okay, JV?
-Erick Aybar is next. Want to read a good book about baseball? Read “Odd Man Out”, by former Angels farmhand Matt McCarthy. You’ll never look at Erick Aybar the same way again.
-Base hit to right on a hit and run…Magglio throws to second and Kendrick ends up scoring. Aybar takes second. What a clusterfuck. Once again, fuck you, Country Joe West. Asshat.
Angels: 1, Tigers: 0
-Great job by the Angels third base coach. If that were us with Lamont over there, the runner would have held at second.
-Runner on second, one out for some big-ass goofy white guy. He’s Mark Trumbo and he grounds out to short. Runner to third.
-Peter Bourjos is next. He kinda resembles Tim Salmon, I think, if Tim Salmon were 12 years old. Wasn’t Salmon supposed to be the next Mickey Mantle at one point?
-Bourjos flies out to Magglio.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-Ryan “BEST NINE” Raburn leads off for Detroit. They still have yet to get him a mouthpiece to keep his stupid tongue in his mouth. I need to write the team a letter about that, I think.
-Chopper to third…BAREHANDED by Izturis and he tosses Ryan out. Hell of a play.
-Don Kelly is hitting ninth today and playing third. You see? I can deal with Mr. Kelly in the ninth spot.
-He strikes out on three pitches. Jesus fuck…
-Two down for AJax. And two seconds after I text “we’re gonna get no hit tonight” to a couple of my fellow Tiger bloggers, Jackson smacks one to the wall for a triple! Nice!
-Boesch fouls an 0-2 pitch off his knee and collapses. Oh, shit.
-If Carlos Guillen did that, his leg would fall off and shatter on the ground.
-As Leyland and Kevin Rand check on him, Magglio stands there holding Boesch’s bat for him. What a nice guy. AND YOU FUCKERS ALL ABANDONED HIM AGAIN! Magglio’s a great player and a humanitarian.
-Good news, Boesch isn’t dead and resumes the at bat. Bad news, Boesch taps out to Haren for the third out.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-Holy shit, I was just looking over the Angels roster to see who might replace Abreu and saw that Russell Branyon’s on the team? Remember when he was relevant?
-Andy Dirks is in left, taking over for Boesch. Just great. Kid better be okay…
-The catcher, Jeff Mathis, leads off for the Angels. He’s hitting .194. This is the guy they let Mike Napoli go for? He strikes out.
-Izturis then quickly grounds out after they show highlights of Granderson homering for the Yankees. Thankfully, no mention of that washed-up cocksucker Jeter is made.
-Torii Hunter’s up with two down. He hits a high fly ball…Dirks has no idea where it is! Fuck…luckily, Austin Jackson is awesome and tracks it down for the third out. I just had a Don Kelly Metrodome flashback…
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-Ordonez leads off and flies out to Hunter.
-For guys that use Twitter so much, I still don’t think Rod and Mario could sound any older and more clueless about it when they mention it.
-Big Mig steps in. Haren’s got a funky windup. He hesitates before throwing the ball…it’s almost like how some of the Japanese pitchers pitch. It’s annoying.
-Screamer up the middle, but Kendrick had him played perfect. Easy out. Two down.
-VMart is up now. 3-0 count quickly becomes 3-2. Long drive…caught at the warning track. We’re not going to score off of Haren tonight. If one of Dombrowski’s people happens to read this in a bathroom stall somewhere, do me a favor. Tell him to forget the shitty Japanese Dodger pitcher and get us another bat. Trade Oliver if you have to. We need another bat or we’re not gonna win shit. We can’t hit above average pitching at all.
-Notice how I didn’t offer any possible solutions? When in Rome…
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-Speaking of Russell Branyon, he IS the replacement for Wells! I seriously thought he was selling cars in South Dakota somewhere.
-He’s hitting .186. Right now, some LA radio asshole is yelling BEST NINE over and over again. They’re all the same, you know, no matter what the city.
-Russell’s homered for ten different teams. Wow. JV K’s him, though.
-Vernon Wells is next. Grounder to Kelly’s right, nice grab, bad throw…still got him! Nice stretch by Martinez saved an error.
-OH, you’ve gotta hear this. Today, some dickwad on sports talk radio in Toledo suggested that Don Kelly should have been considered for the All-Star game, like Infante was last year, for being such a good utility player. I shit you not. If I would have been driving over a bridge, I would have driven off and killed myself. We are surrounded by stupid people, my friends. Really…stupid…people.
-Two down for Kendrick. He strikes out. All Star, my ass.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-Random Commercial Note: Wow…there were black folks in a Little Caesars commercial just now. Does Mr. Ilitch know this? Every stupid commercial of theirs is the same. Goofy, but lovable white dad. Nice looking white mom shaking her head at Dad. One smiling boy and one grinning girl. Also white. The wholesome family. Fuck you, Little Caesars. It isn’t 1955 anymore.
-LETZ SKOR RUNZ PLZ!!!
-Peralta leads off with a line drive single to right. Amazing year by Jhonny. Too bad that old fuck Jeter is representing the AL at short, huh? Christ, I think Raburn has better numbers than Jeter.
-Avila’s up…beard hasn’t grown in yet. Maybe he shaved after the fourth. Grounder to first, but luckily Peralta was running. Alex is out, Jhonny to second.
-Raburn’s up and bunts. Sigh. He’s out and Jhonny to third. FUCK YOU, SMALL BALL! QUIT WASTING OUTS! A fucking single scores him from second anyway…why waste the out? If there were zero outs, maybe. But not with one. Now we have two down with fucking Kelly up.
-SIMONSON WAS RIGHT! FUCK YOU, LEYLAND!
-Kelly weakly pops out to short. Big fucking surprise. Smallball is fucking stupid. I hate this team.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-I’m not done. A sac bunt with one out and a runner on second? AAAARRRRGHHHH! Bunts should be made illegal. I mean…
-Oh…it’s FSD Girl Lauren to calm me down during the commercial break. How YOU doin’?
-Whore. You know Porcello’s given her the “shocker” by now.
-Ayabar flies to right…but Magglio can’t run. It drops in for a cheap single. Shit.
-Trumbo’s up. Hopefully JV doesn’t throw another one away trying to pick Ayabar off.
-Grounder to third, DIVING grab by Kelly….and he AIR MAILS the throw! Fuck me. I hate Kelly. Will THIS convince you assholes that he sucks on defense, too? He makes diving catches, sure. But he has the accuracy throwing a ball like I have accuracy hitting the toilet while taking a piss when drunk. My gawd, I can’t stand Don Kelly.
-Second and third, zero outs, and Not Tim Salmon’s up. And Bourjos walks to load the bases.
-FIRE JEFF JONES! HE RUINED VERLANDER!
-Seriously, make Kenny Rogers the pitching coach. That would rule.
-Jeff Mathis is up. We need a K. Or a triple play.
-Rod says JV’s throwing “easy gas”. Drink. And don’t stop, the way this inning’s going.
-Mathis strikes out. Sweet.
-Izturis is up and another K is needed. I can’t see us doubling him up.
-Or a pop up will work! Peralta puts it away! Two down! Justin Verlander is God!
-Torii Hunter is all that’s left. Justin throws two pitches at 100 mph, but they’re both balls. Calm down, JV.
-The next is 97 and it’s a strike. See? I’m so smart from my couch.
-At least I know not to FUCKING BUNT WITH ONE OUT, A RUNNER ON SECOND, AND DON KELLY ON DECK!
-I need to up my pill dosage.
-Full count to Hunter. Every pitch has been 97 mph or higher. Line drive…CAUGHT BY JACKSON! Justin Verlander is amazing! After the game, I wouldn’t be surprised if he took a stroll to the Pacific Ocean and began walking on water.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-Austin’s up first for Detroit this inning. We need some runs…don’t fuck JV over today, guys. Third time through the order, they should know what to expect by Haren by now.
-AJax grounds out to third. Dammit.
-Andy Dirks has an abnormally large neck. It’s creepy. He pops out lazily to Kendrick. It’s the sixth inning and I think Haren’s thrown maybe 20 pitches so far.
-Maggs is up with two down. He quickly strikes out. We have two fucking hits through six innings.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-Russell the Love Muscle leads it off for Anaheim. Apparently he began the year with the D-Backs. They released him pretty quickly. I wonder what he did to piss Gibby off?
-Branyon strikes out again. I bet that’s what he did to piss Gibby off.
-Vernon Wells lines one to left and is almost thrown out at second, but has a double, nonetheless. My goodness, he’s running like a Molina out there. Rod says he’s not healthy.
-Runner on second, one out, and Howie Kendrick’s up. JV’s up to 88 pitches, Mario says. Kendrick lines to first…and Wells’ lazy ass is doubled off second! Sweet. Inning over.
-Nice throw by Cabrera. Kelly would have thrown it into left field.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-Ha…another ejection during the commercial break. This time, it’s Jim Leyland. Joe West was over at the dugout yelling at Leyland and ejected him. What the fuck?
-MLB umpires are awful. They never get fired or even reviewed. Half of ‘em are show offs. They all have egos. Do you ever see NFL refs or NBA refs arguing? Fuck and no you don’t. Selig needs to do something about these assholes. Except the ones named “Angel”. I’m cool with them tonight.
-Lloyd McClendon’s in charge of the team now.
-Country Joe West is a cunt.
-Cabrera is up first. Hopefully he hits one 500 feet. Nope, he strikes out. Damn.
-Vote Victor is next. Liner caught by Trumbo. Dick. He steps on first for the second out.
-SAVE US JHONNY!
-He strikes out.
-The Tigers have 7 hits combined in the past 16 innings. Think they’ll fire the hitting coach?
-Right…poor Rick Knapp.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-Random Commerical Note: If you put a wig on Mark Bernstein, you have his sister. What a creepy family. Brilliant, no doubt. But creepy looking.
-People in the crowd shown with a sign saying hi to relatives in the U.P. Weird folks up there. They like soccer. And hate good second basemen. Harf…
-Aybar leads it off for these assholes. JV gets him to ground out to VMart at first. One down.
-Trumbo’s up. What’s the LA version of mLive? I bet they call him “Dumbo” over there when he struggles. I hate baseball fans.
-Verlander’s 99th pitch of the game strikes out Trumbo. Two down.
-Peter Bourjos steps in for the Angels now. He works the count full and fouls off 40 more pitches before hitting it DEEP in the hole a short…Jhonny catches it but has no play at first. Hey, Don Kelly, TAKE NOTE. Peralta didn’t throw it because he knew he didn’t have a play. Don’t be a hero, asshole.
-Hey, Cleveland and Chicago lost. That’s probably the only good news we’re gonna get tonight.
-Mathis is up again. The LA crowd isn’t watching the game, they’re doing the wave. I hope a plane crashes into the crowd.
-Mathis grounds out to third. Time to score, you pricks. Justin’s gotta be about done.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Haren’s first pitch to Avila is his 100th. Verlander’s at 112. Shit, Alex still looks lost up there against Haren. Dude has a hell of a cutter, I’ll give him that.
-He strikes out. 7 K’s for Haren.
-Speaking of K’s, Raburn’s up now. PUT YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH, ASSHOLE! Why do I bother defending him…sigh…
-Ryno strikes out on four pitches.
-Two down for Kelly. At least we’ll have the top of the order up in the 9th.
-Mario asks if Haren will come back out for the 9th. Rod’s response? “Well, they have a closer.” That’s why he’s the best color man in the business, people!
-Kelly pops out. Big surprise there.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-Holy shit, someone wake McClendon up! JV went back out there…they’re gonna kill him, you know. That arm’s eventually gonna snap.
-Leadoff single for Izturis to right field. Benoit’s throwing in the bullpen.
-Torii Hunter’s next and I’m praying to my Dark Lord Satan for a double play. I’m also praying that Joe West gets hit by lightning sometime soon. Call the game, asshole. Don’t make yourself part of it.
-JV’s 120th pitch is grounded to short…DOUBLE PLAY! Thank you, Satan! You complete me!
-Branyon’s up with two down. He’s K’d twice, I see no reason why he won’t get the hat trick here. He hasn’t come close to a fastball yet…and JV knows it. He gets him down 0-2, but starts getting cute with breaking pitches. What the heck? He walks him.
-Uh oh, Lloyd woke up. After 129 pitches, JV’s night is over. Benoit’s coming in and JV IS CUSSING OUT ALL THE UMPS! They eject him even though he’s been pulled, WTF? Joe West is an asshole and so is Hernandez, too, after all. I can’t wait to read later what really happened out there other than these umpires being awful. Mario thinks someone else in the Tiger dugout’s been thrown out, too. But he’s not sure who.
-I sure picked a fucked up game to Keep Score on, huh?
-Vernon Wells pops out on the first pitch. To the ninth we go!
TOP OF THE NINTH
-Fuck. I was hoping Rodney would pitch. Instead, Haren’s back and going for the shutout. He’ll have to get through the top of the lineup again to do so. Dude’s been amazing tonight. That, or we really suck.
-Twins and Royals won today. Ho hum.
-AJax leads it off. Another triple would be nice. Nope…he flies out to right.
-Captain Thickneck is next. Slutty girl in the crowd has a sign saying “Having Dirks is a Perk”. Sigh.
-Dirks strikes out. He’s awful.
-It’s up to Magglio. He takes it deep…but it’s caught by the center fielder. Game over.
Final Score: Angels: 1, Tigers: 0
Well, that was interesting. These umpires were fucking pathetic tonight, but Dan Haren wasn’t going to get beat no matter who was calling the game tonight. The Tigers were overmatched and poor Justin Verlander took the loss.
Day game tomorrow and Brad Penny needs a good outing. I guess stranger things have happened.
Have a good one, kids. Sorry if I didn't make sense tonight. Tooth's getting pulled Thursday. Then I should be back to normal...if you can call it that.