Monday, July 4, 2011

Bill Simonson: King of the Trolls

Want to know why I don’t watch news programs, especially on the cable channels?

/gonna tell you anyway

Because they’re all nonsense. In today’s America, just presenting the news in an unbiased way is boring. No, you have to take a side and stick to it, no matter what common sense tells you. Left or right, not wrong or right. That’s why you have liars like Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, and Rush Limbaugh defending anything the conservatives say, no matter how stupid it may be. It’s also why you have biased mouthpieces like Al Franken, Michael Moore, and Keith Olbermann doing the same thing for the liberals. Common sense is dead in this country.

And it’s the same for sports nowadays. Skip Bayless can’t possibly believe half of what he says. He does it to get people talking and get ratings. The same applies to Stephen A. Smith, Colin Cowherd, and on down the line.

And if you follow sports on the internet, you must be familiar with trolls. These are the ignorant fans out there, whom many of which could not pass a 2nd grade spelling bee, that spam any article written with their idiotic thoughts that make about as much sense as a drunken Miguel Cabrera on the side of the road. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

It was only a matter of time before someone in Tiger-land decided to cater specifically to these troll-beasts. And that man is Bill Simonson, of the HUGE show. Bill has another offering this week at mLive that is beyond silly. It seems this may be a weekly thing here at DNR if Bill insists on keeping this b.s. going. Whatever, I’ve got nothing better happening on Mondays.

I give to you, Bill Simonson…The Troll King.

Thank you, Brandon Inge. Your two-run triple in the eighth inning Sunday helped save the Detroit Tigers from getting swept by the San Francisco Giants.

Indeed, nice hit Brandon. About fucking time.

Odd that you’d congratulate Brandon, though, Bill. Why not give a shout-out to Ryan Raburn, whose diving catch in left is what REALLY saved the game for the Tigers. Or maybe point out how Inge is batting .197 and is now 4 for 30 since returning from the DL.

No, it’s not odd. The trolls don’t hate Brandon Inge, they hate Ryan Raburn. And Raburn is who the king must focus his glare on.

I have baseball scientists at NASA working to figure out how Ryan Raburn gets to start more games than the big bats in the Tigers' lineup.

It doesn’t take a scientist to realize that this statement is fucking ridiculous.

Raburn has started 61 games. Let’s compare that to Miguel Cabrera (84), Alex Avila (66), Victor Martinez (69), Brennan Boesch (75), Jhonny Peralta (73), and Austin Jackson (78). Oh, I see. It’s the complete opposite of what you just said.

In the real world, Raburn is seventh on the team in games started behind Martinez’s 69, who spent 15 days on the disabled list. He’d be behind Inge, too, but Brandon was kissing dirty girls and had to take a break, too.

I also have baseball doctors trying to examine Detroit manager Jim Leyland’s brain to figure out how he can pinch hit for Brennan Boesch on Sunday after he had homered and doubled in the game.

I guess Jimbo just wanted to give him some rest after he ran around the bases so much.

I admit, I didn’t see the whole game on Sunday and I missed this. Therefore, I’ll give you a point here? I assume a tough lefty was on the mound and Boesch was going to be lifted for a defensive replacement anyway, but whatever. You win this round.

Oh, but wait. According to the box score, Casper Wells hit for Boesch and got hit by a pitch from side-arm lefty reliever Javier Lopez. Lopez, this season, has held lefties to a .123 batting average, while righties have hit .260 against him. For his career, righties have hit .293 off of Javier, while lefties have only nit .223. So, no, you get no point. Leyland did the right thing there. Eat shit and die.

After Sunday's win, which included the usual boneheaded Leyland lineup, Detroit only is a half-game out of first place in the American League Central.

Fucking Leyland and his BONEHEADED lineups. Why doesn’t he try this lineup for ONCE?

Rickey Henderson, LF
Placido Polanco, 2B
Albert Pujols, 1B
Babe Ruth, RF
Johnny Bench, C
Mickey Mantle, CF
Alan Trammell, SS
Brooks Robinson, 3B
Don Kelly, DH

Oh, that’s right. Because none of those guys are on his team, except for Kelly. Leyland is doing what he can with what has been given to him. Grow up, Bill.

And this after some of worst pitching performances in Tigers history in the past week. And after losing three out of their past four series, including the past two at home. It shows how weak the AL Central is.

Okay. No harm, no foul? Please, tell me, for the love of Kaline…WHAT DO YOU WANT HIM TO DO!?! If Leyland had some sort of Jedi Mind Trick that would allow every position player to hit .400, I’m pretty sure he’d do it by now!

Why Leyland doesn’t ride his hottest nine hitters every game is why this team is a half-game out rather than six games up.
No. No. No. A thousand times, no. Your answer is incorrect.

We would have taken inconsistent starting pitching, other than Verlander, as an answer.

We would have taken injuries to key playerss like Ordonez, Martinez, Inge, Zumaya, and Guillen as an answer.

We would have taken an underperforming bullpen as an answer.

What we would NOT fucking take is Jim Leyland not using his nine hottest hitters. Because it is complete and total motherfucking nonsense!

The bench has Andy Dirks, Ramon Santiago, Don Kelly, and Casper Wells on it. Dirks and Wells cannot play second or third base. Who are these mythological “hot” players that you keep blathering on about? Please tell me so I can quit banging my head against the fucking wall at your nonsense!

The hell week Tigers fans just witnessed doesn’t create as much anxiety if you have that cushion.

They had a bad week. There’s 162 games in a season. It happens. Again, grow up, asshole. Act like you’ve watched a full season of baseball before.

Leyland always has managed for tomorrow and that is why his teams always have second-half problems and have a tough time being consistent.

For the hundredth time, why do you continue to overlook injuries, other teams going on amazing hot streaks, and other factors other than your odd hatred for Jim Leyland?

Is Jim Leyland running out to the mound and suggesting to Max Scherzer that he should forget how to locate 90% of his pitches? Is Leyland the guy that removed the part of Phil Coke’s brain that allows him to throw strikes? Was it Leyland that convinced Joaquin Benoit to suck a dick on the mound for half his appearances the first couple months?

Fuck and no it wasn’t. Joe Torre, Sparky Anderson, and/or Casey Stengal do not magically turn this group of players into the ’27 Yankees.

How he can’t see who his best nine players are shows senility may be knocking on his door. His stubborn, old-man act gets old when fans watch the lineup cards he turns in most nights.

If Leyland is senile, what is your excuse? At what point in your rambling, false, diarrhea-style of writing are you going to offer a solution? This mythical “best nine” line of thinking loses all steam when you are unable to say exactly who this “best nine” could be!

The only lineup I can come up with that you could be referring to is playing Santiago and Kelly over Raburn and Inge. While we could debate on whether they might do a better job, do you really think that would give the Tigers a 6 game lead if they were on the field?

Fuck, man. I’m amazed that even the mLive trolls are buying this crap.

Leyland back to his old tricks

JIM LEYLAND: Okay, Casper, is THIS your card?

CASPER WELLS: Dude, you’ve done this trick fifty times now.

LEYLAND: Fuck you.

Is there some reason Leyland still is not playing his best lineup every day?

Is there some reason you keep asking this question despite it not being true, offering a solution, or offering anything other than lies about playing time?

Leyland said he would play the players that give him the best chance to win. That is what got them back in this pennant race.

Whoa, whoa, whoa…Miss Lippy. Leyland is playing the exact same guys now than he was then. The only guy missing is Scott Sizemore, who I am told by certain people is a terrible major leaguer, an awful human being, and possibly the anti-Christ.

Once they were back in it, Leyland went back to his old tricks and finds room for Raburn again and sits Peralta.

Ryan Raburn: Second Baseman

Jhonny Peralta: Shortstop

Ryan Raburn & Jhonny Peralta: Do not have anything to fucking do with each other.

And Peralta has started more games this year than anyone except Cabrera, Boesch, and Jackson. Also, Raburn was playing plenty during the team’s hot streak. Are you sure you’re not accidently watching Royals games this year and are just really confused? That guy out there is Billy Butler, not Miguel Cabrera. Turn the channel.

Raburn is not an every day major leaguer. He is a role player and nothing more. Leyland’s continued love affair with Raburn borders on psychotic behavior.

Your obsession with incorrect statements and crying about Jim Leyland for the wrong reasons seems more “psychotic” than starting a guy that’s shown that he can produce at the big league level in the past.

In 2009, Raburn hit .291 with 16 homers and a .891 OPS.

In 2010, Ryno hit .280 with 15 homers and a .814 OPS.

In 2011, he’s had a rough start. He’s got a new baby at home and I’m sure it can’t be easy on him being away from his new family at such a time. Magglio Ordonez showed in 2009 that a player’s home life can have a direct effect on his on-field performance.

Tough shit for Ryan, I agree, but it still doesn’t change the fact that, and please PAY ATTENTION HERE, the Tigers have NO ONE ELSE BETTER ON THE CURRENT FUCKING ROSTER to play second base since the trade of Sizemore. Rhymes, Santiago, and Worth might be better defenders, but those ’09 and ’10 numbers show that Ryan Raburn can be a game-changer when his head’s on straight. Will, Ramon, and Danny take moral victories when the can get the ball out of the infield.

Jim Leyland knows this. And Jim Leyland’s job is on the line this year. He’s stubborn, but he’s not stupid. He’s going with what is the best chance to help the Tigers win.

So for the final time, take your “best nine” argument and shove it up your HUGE ass.

When he plays Raburn more than his stars, it validates why Leyland is only an average major league manager.

Again, you’re a liar and a fuckhead. Quit making shit up, you extremely well below average columnist.

The old man tries to tell us other players need rest, but not Raburn? The guy plays second base like he has no glove on. His swing right now is one big hit a week sandwiched around a .200 average.

.206, actually. It’s climbed 7 points in the last 7 days. Gotta start somewhere…

Thankfully, Carlos Guillen is almost ready and he can send Raburn to the bench for good.

Guillen left yesterday’s Mud Hens game with an injury already. Richard Bernstein and Stevie Wonder even saw that one coming.

Guillen will be a huge boost to the lineup if Leyland doesn’t platoon him with his boy Raburn.

Good idea! If and when the most brittle major leaguer ever comes back, DO NOT REST HIM!  Also, Guillen is no Omar Vizquel with the glove himself.  And who knows if he can hit anymore, either?  They guy hasn't been healthy since Dmitri Young was a Tiger, for crissakes.

Pitchers need help

If the starting pitching doesn’t get well in a hurry, the Tigers' annual second-half freefall already may be under way.


We can complain all we want about Leyland’s lineup cards but if the starters keep pitching batting practice like they have in the early innings, Detroit will be out of the race in two weeks.

Impossible in this divison. Even you pointed that out. And word is, Dombrowski, as we speak, is searching for a starter.

It was a huge relief to see Rick Porcello battle Sunday and keep the team in the game until it could rally for the win.

Max Scherzer, Brad Penny and now Charlie Furbush need to start dealing this week on an important road trip before the All-Star break.

The starting pitching kept the Tigers in the AL Central race in the first half. Now the pitchers need to keep the rest of the team in the game.

Max Scherzer: 4.90 ERA

Brad Penny: 4.43 ERA

Rick Porcello: 4.96 ERA

Phil Coke: 4.91 ERA

The starting pitching has kept the Tigers in the race about as much as Lady Gaga, FSD Girl Lauren, and my big toe have. Just ask Rick Knapp about that.

Get the Tigers on track

This is why playing your best nine right now is so important.

My fucking head hurts, man.

Give your team a chance to win every time out. Try to have the best team in the division, not the most rested when your 10 games out in August.

Seriously, dude, who are these Tiger players who are getting weeks off at a time so guys like Raburn can play? I’m begging you to tell me. Am I incorrect in thinking Tony Phillips is retired? Is he actually just on a really long rest given to him by Jim Leyland?

I do worship the Tigers. I long for them to be world champions again. I grew up with them and still love them more than any team in my life.

Join the club, brother. So do I and I’m betting many people reading this. So do us all a favor and have the slightest clue what you’re talking about before typing up a piece for mLive which is read by lots of impressionable, apparently simple-minded, people out there.

Seriously, I just went outside and asked my neighbor’s dog what he thinks about the Tigers right now. He stared at me a second and proceeded to start licking his balls. And that still made more sense than your repetitive, ignorant bullshit.

I find a way to tune them in on the radio or on TV every time they play. Six months out of every year they are a part of my life. I live and breathe them.

And you still seem to know jack and shit about them. Go figure.

This is why Leyland drives me nuts. I can’t stand the way he manages a season.

Is Jim Leyland perfect? Of course not. But, you’re angry at the wrong man. If you’re pissed at the quality of players on the field, get made at Davd Dombrowski, who you have mentioned exactly zero times in this piece.

Dombrowski gave Raburn the two-year deal in the offseason. Dombrowski assembled this pitching staff. Dombrowski let Polanco and Sizemore go. Dave’s your guy to bitch about.

Leyland is a man doing his fucking job to the best of his ability while being attacked from all sides from an idiotic fanbase that don’t seem to understand baseball. Fox News doesn’t bitch about Obama as much as Tiger fans bitch about Leyland.

Outside of the incredible playoff run in 2006 -- which still bothers me because the Tigers were a better team than the St. Louis Cardinals -- Leyland has done nothing to make the Tigers a better team at the end of any year since he has been in Detroit.

Again, that’s Dombrowski’s job, not Leyland’s. And adding guys like Cabrera, Sheffield, Martinez, Scherzer, Peralta, Jackson, Coke, Valverde, Damon, and others is a lot more than many teams have done, especially when you consider how shitty the Detroit economy is. All of those moves haven’t worked to perfection, but they are trying. Even my cynical ass will give them that.

With the All-Star talent the Tigers have, they should be six games up in the division instead of a half-game back.

Based on your complicated mathematical formula of (nonsense+stupidity)/(ignorance*bullshit).

Let’s get the starting pitching back on track and play the best nine the Tigers clubhouse offers each game and see what this team can do in the second half.

Better yet, do me a favor. Put on a blindfold, light up a cigarette, and walk in front of oncoming traffic.

Ladies and germs, the King of the Trolls! No one personifies the ignorant Tiger fan screaming just to hear the sound of his own HUGE, loud, annoying voice more than Mr. Bill Simonson.

Bravo, sir. You dumb fuck.


Russell White said...

I'm a huge Tiger fan, and I just came upon your site and BYB in the past year or so.  And it's fucking amazing the difference between the Mlivers and DNR/BYB people.  And this pile of monkey shit just loves to write directly to those ignorant fucks.

Kurt Mensching said...

definitely the anti christ.

Rob Benneian said...

It boggles my mind that he can so frequently refer to this 'best 9' without once naming names. And the fact that he has 0 stats to back him up in a game where statistics mean more than any other pro sport is insane

Old17 said...

Mr. DNR, to borrow my favorite line from Homer Simpson, your ideas intrigue me and I would like to purchase your newsletter. Bravo on the HUGE rippage. He is a pile of suck who should not be employed.

Blake VandeBunte said...

+1 for the Bernstein joke.  Top notch.

Also, I knew Simonson did radio, I hade NO IDEA he was writing as well.  He is absolutely on the radio and is one of the main reasons I just don't listen to that shit. 

This is also just a terribly written article. What a joke.

Jay Hathaway said...

I nearly shat pants when I saw "DH - Don Kelly"

Jay Hathaway said...

Yeah, that site definitely has a troll infestation problem.

Jen said...

This is why I stopped reading mlive, SI, and all sports columns in Detroit years ago. I watch the games and that's about it. I form my own opinions because I know these turd nuggets don't know more about baseball than I do. I just wish I could figure out a way to get paid pretending to be an expert and spouting bullshit. Sports "journalism" is the greatest con ever.

Bravo, Rogo - another fun read.

Billdean1978 said...

Great post. I can't stand listening to this guy everyday say the same crap over and over. Even his guest hosts feed into it!! He even rips on the guy for smoking and chewing sunflower seeds! Give me a break...I wish he would just go away as he is just driving people from the radio.