Friday, June 24, 2011

Return of a Hero: Behind the Scenes

Friday night, Brandon Inge returned to the Tigers lineup, going 1 for 4 with a single and a strikeout. He raised his batting average to a lofty .212 while receiving applause for even the outs he made from the loving Detroit crowd. It’s amazing that he was even there, considering how serious mono is and how it can put a person on the sidelines for months. But not Brandon. Maybe he only had 24-hour mono.

But how did this all come about? How did he and Tiger GM David Dombrowski decide that he was ready to return to the team? I mean Danny Worth and Don Kelly, while not quite A-Rod over there, were doing fine in Inge’s absence. Well, fine for them, I guess.

Luckily, DNR has spies and connections everywhere. And I managed to get my hands on DD’s personal cell phone records and have a transcript of the texting that went on between him and Inge regarding Brandon’s return. I am happy to share this exclusive with all of you now.


INGE: Hello, David. Do u have a moment to spare?

DOMBROWSKI: hi :) how r u ingy?

INGE: I’m doing quite well, thank you. Feeling super!!!

DOMBROWSKI: rilly? herd ur dying lol

INGE: Haha. Hardly, fella. It’s going to take more than mono to keep me away! Golly, I miss Detroit. I think I’m ready to come back. I miss the team and the fans so much.

DOMBROWSKI: lol whatev

INGE: No, I’m serious, sir.

DOMBROWSKI: omg, I thought ur kidding :P surry

INGE: Sure thing, pal. Can I come back Friday?

DOMBROWSKI: yer #s in toledo suk lol. u sure?

INGE: That’s not fair, David. Mono is very serious. I was quite weak for a while. But I’m feeling better. Working hard! Hustling on every play! Hit 2 HRs, too...

DOMBROWSKI: yeah vs aaa pitching rotfl j/k…u gettin layd there???

INGE: Sir! I’m a married man.

DOMBROWSKY: k…my bad. :/ yer not as kewl as sardinha I guess…

INGE: What? Anyway, I’m ready to come back, Dave. Better than ever.

DOMBROWSKI: im sure u r. how r they treeting u???

INGE: Swell. I missed a lot of these fellas. But It’s troubling. Me, Clete, and Will keep getting letters threatening our lives with the letters individually cut out from newspapers. All signed “Bogo” or something. They don't make much sense.

DOMBROWSKI: :( that sux. how r da boyz there?

INGE: They’re great! They miss their buddy Raburn though.

DOMBROWSKI: give it a week or so

INGE: Huh?

DOMBROWSKI: nothin lol.

INGE: Does the Skipper miss me? I bet he does!

DOMBROWSKI: not rilly

INGE: What? Why?

DOMBROWSKI: u no he luvs kelly. thinx hez hawt lol. donnys playin evry day. jim sez hes gr8. better than u lolz

INGE: C’mon, David. I’m ready. Detroit needs me.

DOMBROWSKI: get moar SWEET tattoos????? rotflmao!

INGE: Perhaps I should call Mr. Ilitch…

DOMBROWSKI: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ummmmm ok its kewl we will send danny down. jerk :( i wuz just fuckin wit u. :/

INGE: Thank you, sir. You won’t regret it. I assure you. We’ll make the playoffs THIS year, dog gonnit!

DOMBROWSKI: u better or im fukd

INGE: You can count on me, sir! Tell the Skipper I’m coming! Woo hoo!

DOMBROWSKI: yup gotta go. ttyl. team jacob 4eva!

INGE: Huh?

2 comments:

Jay Hathaway said...

lol, omg, stfu!

h2opolopunk said...

Genius, dude. Well done, again.