Monday, June 6, 2011

Lynn Henning is the Father of Lies

Lynn Henning has outdone himself this time. I mean, come on. When I see a headline that says “Don Kelly fills in nicely for Brandon Inge at third”, I…I…I don’t know what to think.

Is it because Inge had been so dreadful at the plate this year that Kelly is a nice replacement because he’s bad, too? Does it mean that Brandon’s defensive skills have diminished so much that Kelly is now his equal?

I mean, Lynn, you can’t POSSIBLY be saying you think Don’s a good player that’s worthy of starting, can you? I mean, really…you watch Tiger games, right?

Apparently not.

It isn't only that he (Kelly) swings a fairly handy bat.

2011 Avg: .236
Lifetime Avg: .237
2011 OBP: .286
Lifetime OBP: .281
2011 OPS: .591
Lifetime OPS: ..622
2011 OPS+: 67
Lifetime OPS+: 69
2011 WAR: -0.2
Lifetime WAR: -0.2

Don Kelly may “swing” a handy bat, but he doesn’t get any hits with it. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people in the “legit” media? Just because a guy is nice and grants you interviews whenever you want, does this means you have to blatantly fucking lie to your readers? Go to hell, Lynn.

Or that he can play the outfield nimbly.

Don be nimble, Don be quick. Don lost the ball in the roof, that untalented prick.

Or that he can run.

In 206 career games, Kelly has 6 stolen bases. In 2009, Miguel "Man Boobs" Cabrera stole 6 bases.

Don Kelly can also play any spot in the infield that isn't called shortstop.

Well, Ramon Santiago CAN play shortstop. And any other position. And play it well. And hit better than Kelly. But I’m sorry. He speaks Spanish. Lynn Henning won’t be writing any puff pieces on Ramon Santiago, I guess.

Third base has been his home of late, in the aftermath of Brandon Inge's mononucleosis diagnosis.

Yes, the dreaded kissing disease. Who knew you could get mono from kissing the ass of management? Oh, I pray that Brandon slipped Donnie a little tongue before leaving…

For all the hand-wringing about Inge's absence and what it might do to the Tigers' left-side defense,

Who was wringing their hands over losing Brandon's subpar D this year?  Were the fat girls in the crowd squealing with angst as they wrung their sausage fingers over losing their dear hero? Inge has been little more than a matador most of the season at third.

Kelly has been a splendid fill-in.

Obviously you weren’t watching yesterday when he had a brain fart and missed an easy grounder because he was watching the runner advancing to second. Or in the Boston series when he forgot to cover third and a runner advanced. Sure, he makes the occasional good stop, but he makes numerous mental errors.

Hey, just like Inge!

He even made a from-the-knees putout on Alexei Ramirez in the fifth inning of Sunday's 7-3 Tigers victory over the White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field.

Don Kelly on his knees. You said it, not me.

"Made a great play," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said. "He threw a bullet over there."

Rod Allen would call it a “seed”.  I call it a routine throw that 90% of MLB third basemen make with ease.

Kelly, of course, has a place on the Tigers roster precisely because he's so doggoned flexible.

If only Scott Sizemore could’ve done a cartwheel into a round off. Damn. Oops, I mean doggonnit.

"I just like to play," said Kelly, who conceded that taking extra ground balls along with his other pregame tasks has made the shift to third fairly comfortable.

Other pregame tasks of Don Kelly:

-Kiss Jim Leyland’s ass
-Kiss beat writers’ asses
-Kiss teammates’ asses
-Get on knees

"At third, it's just straight reaction," he said, soft-pedaling any presumed skills there.

Or maybe Kelly realizes that he has limited skills. Just like everyone else in the world except Jim Leyland and Detroit beat writers.

Leyland, though, has been more than happy with Kelly's play.

And JL wonders why everyone second guesses him.

The Tigers manager has watched Kelly sprint and grab bunts for necessary put-outs. He has seen him chase and grab tough pop-ups.

No one else in baseball does this. It’s a fact. Ask Lynn Henning. He wouldn’t lie to you.

And, while the ball Carlos Quentin hit in the White Sox's two-run first might have been vacuumed by Inge, the position hasn't exactly fallen apart during Inge's convalescence.

Hey, you DID see that play! You just ignored it. And by the way, it’s only been a couple days since Brandon went bye-bye. And Worth and Santiago have started there, too. What’s Kelly started since Inge has been gone? 2 or 3 games? Do we really need to start comparing him to Brooks Robinson already? Christ…

"He's one of those guys with a good concentration level," Leyland said. "He's alert for everything. And he's got an outstanding arm."

I bet he’d make a hellova manager someday, too.

Oh, but Lynn wasn’t done. Next, we get THIS sub-heading.

Raburn revived

Oh, boy…

June is a month that means different things to different people. For Ryan Raburn , it's his signal to toss aside a traditional cool-weather slump and begin ripping the baseball.

"Derp. Guess I better stop sucking so they keep re-signing me. H’yuck. Git 'r' dun..."

/mindlessly sticks tongue out

"I'm still battling," Raburn said after he clubbed a grand slam in the fourth inning that was the major damage in a six-run inning that got the Tigers going against White Sox starter Jake Peavy . "But I feel like I'm getting closer to getting some consistency."

Dude creamed a meatball pitch with the bases loaded. I don’t know about any of you, but I’m not quite ready to forget over two months of abysmal play because of one hit.

Raburn is batting .201 for the Tigers. But he has five home runs, and his third career slam gave him 19 RBIs for the season.

How is this man not leading the All-Star voting?

He could have added to his bonanza of a day in the eighth when the Tigers had runners at second and third with one out. But, as if to remind everyone that shedding a slump so severe isn't a one-day event, Raburn's bid ended on a two-strike, checked-swing lineout.

That’s because he’s awful, Lynn. Like Kelly. The only difference is that Ryno occasionally gets hot with the bat for a couple weeks during the season making his numbers look better in the long run. Is a couple weeks per year of hot hitting worth months of ineptitude and abortion-level defense?

Hint: The answer to that is fuck and no.

His work at second base has been fairly steady, particularly when it involves a throw.

Translation: Raburn couldn’t catch the clap from a crack-addicted hooker with scabby thighs if he tried.

Raburn's powerful outfield arm is no less wicked at second base.

If only he knew where the ball was going when he released it.

"It helps me," he said, conceding that "a lot of guys have better hands than me.

Edward Scissorhands has better hands than Ryan Raburn. So did Captain James T. Hook and Jim Abbott.

But I don't have to rush as much."

Raburn takes his time to be the worst defensive player I’ve ever seen. Imagine if he rushed!

He can take his time, as well, at the plate. All because it's June. It's Raburn's month, as history — and Sunday — again seem poised to make clear.

Take your time, Ryan. No rush. I mean, if August still rolls around and you’re still hitting .200, nothing bad will happen.

Trust Lynn Henning. Why wouldn’t you?

8 comments:

Bacon Dan said...

I may have a warped and/or morbid sense of humor but I'm sure most readers of this blog do. That Jim Abbott comment about made me pee my pants!

JacksTigers said...

I hate Don Kelly as much as the next guy but the play he made yesterday was very impressive.

h2opolopunk said...

The Jim Abbott comment might have been a little harsh. But Henning is a total douche.

Schwangfoo1972 said...

Harsh? Kelly is terrible. If you want to read crappy pap go elsewhere....

Schwangfoo1972 said...

But at least Captain Hooks family wont be upset.

SRogo said...

2 Har$h is my street name.  I'm just glad people still remember who Jim Abbott is...I loved that guy.  And believe it or not, one of the best fielding pitchers I've ever seen.

Spockmaster said...

I feel like i could read the Raburn section, replace all mentions of his name with "Boesch", and it will still be true.  The guy cant field and is lucky to be hitting .270.  He's like the anti-Raburn, his hot streak comes in May/June and then hits .220 the rest of the way.

Jay Hathaway said...

That grand slam came directly after a Raburn heckle-fest put on by myself and a buddy as we watched, on the television, Peavy walk (forget who) to get to Raburn.  First pitch comes in, ball leaves park, and we laugh hysterically.  I'd like to think that Ryno was thinking, "Fuck you, Jay Hathaway, fuck you very much" as he swung the bat.  The following at-bats marked a return of the Raburn we are more familiar with.  So, thanks for the runs, Ryan, and fuck you very much, too.