Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Know Thy Enemy: Cleveland Indians

For a series in mid-June, this is about as big as it can get.

The Tigers and Indians start a series on Tuesday to decide who’s going to end the week in first place. The Tribe’s coming off a narrow victory over the Yankees by a score of 1-0, injuring Derek Jeter in the process. I tip my hat to you for that, my racist logo having friends. Meanwhile the Tigers got the best kind of walkoff victory possible…a walkoff given up by the evil Kyle Farnsworth of Tampa Bay. Glorious wins for both teams.

With the exception of the Red Sox, the Tigers have been the hottest team in baseball lately. Meanwhile, the Indians have been struggling and have wasted their once big lead in the AL Central. As the Tribe enters the CoPa, it’s time that we examine exactly what the Indians will be bringing to the table since I missed them the first time around.

So…I give you the surprising Cleveland Indians of 2011.


Established in 1901, the Indians have won two World Series championships (1920 & 1948). Their 62 years and counting mark since the last one is the longest in baseball, other than that of the Chicago Cubs. During that first season in 1901 as a MLB team, they were known as the “Bluebirds”. The players didn’t like this name, so the media shortened it to the “Blues”. However, in starting a long tradition of Clevleland athletes being pricks, the players didn’t like that name either. They wanted to be known as the “Bronchos”, but that never caught on, probably because it was too stupid and spelled wrong.

Nap Lajoie would join the team and would be the first selfish “LeBron” type in Cleveland, as the team was renamed the “Naps”. Lajoie would leave the team in 1915 and the racist Cleveland newspapers came up with the “Indians” name that has stuck ever since. The Chief Wahoo character would be introduced in 1945 to make sure everyone got the idea that Cleveland was a racist shithole. Think that’s silly and a bit too much? What if Boston fans got their way and had a team called the “Sambos” with a blackface character? Well, that’s what Cleveland has been doing to Native Americans for a long time now.

Meanwhile, being half-Polish, no one cares about the atrocities that my people face with the constant jokes that we’re too stupid to understand. Excuse me while I compose myself…


Anyway, over the years the Indians could always be counted on to be terrible until a horrible thing happened in the mid-90’s. They got good. With stars like Roberto Alomar, Albert Belle, Manny Ramirez, Jim Thome and Eddie Murray, the Tribe would make the World Series in 1995 and have five straight playoff appearances. In true Cleveland fashion, they wasted those good teams, got shitty again, and now have surprised everyone with their hot start this season. It was only a matter of time before they fell apart again.

There are 27 players in the Hall of Fame that spent time in Cleveland, however only 10 of them went in as Indians. They are Earl Averill, Lou Boudreau, Early Wynn, Tris Speaker, Larry Doby, Stan Coveleski, Joe Sewell, Al Lopez, Bob Lemon, and the great Bob Feller. If Jim Thome ever makes it, expect him to enter the Hall as an Indian, too.

Finally, if you were going to give the United States of America an enema, I'm pretty sure it's well known information that you would stick the hose in Cleveland, Ohio.

Face of the Franchise
In one of the most one-sided trades of all time, the Indians traded Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew to the Expos in 2002 for a bunch of youngsters named Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips, Lee Stevens, and Mr. Grady Sizemore. Three outta four ain’t bad. Sizemore emerged in 2005 with the Tribe when former Tiger asshole, Juan Gonzalez, got hurt, allowing Grady to take his spot on the team. He would hit .289 with 22 HR, 81 RBI, and steal 22 bases.

Since then, he’s made 3 All-Star teams and inspired a group of tramps in Cleveland to dub themselves “Grady’s Ladies”. I’m not sure if it’s a requirement for these woman to have had Sizemore’s abortion at some point, but I like to imagine it is. Since 2009, Grady has struggled to stay healthy and was rumored to be trade bait this year before the Tribe started playing so well. Guess they’re stuck with him now, which is probably good since he’s one of about three Indians that Cleveland fans can pick out of a police lineup.

Against the Tigers, Sizemore has played 98 games and hit .267 with 12 homers and 42 RBI. Luckily, 4 of those homers came against ex-Tiger Armando Galarraga. As for the current Tiger hurlers, he’s 12 for 51 with 2 homers against Justin Verlander and 3 for 12 against Rick Porcello. There isn’t anyone else he’s seen over 6 times. He also misses our Patron Saint, as he batted .412 (14 for 34) with 1 homer and 4 RBI against Nate Robertson.

And as you see above, Sizemore is one of those douchebags that takes naked pics of himself and acts surprised when they end up on the internet on dumb sites like mine. Also, as you can see below, he looks like that annoying kid from the “Rookie of the Year” movie.
Old Friends

Chad Durbin pitched for the Tigers in 2006 and 2007 before winning a World Series with the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies.

Adam Everett has taken his weak bat, good glove, and awesome hair to Cleveland this year where he’s hitting .240, which is 55 points higher than he hit with the Tigers before being released last year.

Jack Hannahan went 0 for 9 with the Tigers in 2006. Since then, he’s bounced around the Oakland, Seattle, Boston, and now Cleveland organizations.

Tim Belcher is the Indians pitching coach and led the AL in losses with 15 during his lone Tiger season in 1994. He also led the league in games started that year with 25 and had an ERA of 5.89. This is why I’m so bitter today, kids. I had to sit through all these 1990’s seasons in Detroit. Be glad if you got to the party late.

Other Superstar Players

Fausto Carmona
Asdrubal Cabrera
Shin-Soo Choo
Travis Hafner (who once pissed at a urinal next to me…no I didn’t see his Pronk)

Most Hated Indian
I’m not sure why I dislike Shelley Duncan so much. Maybe it’s because he was with the Yankees when he first came up. Maybe it’s because he goes by the name “Shelley” (it’s his middle name, first is David). Maybe it’s because he looks like Sloth from The Goonies. But whatever it is, I just don’t like him. I hope we bean him in his big, stupid head.

Against the Tigers, Duncan is 9 for 42 in 16 games. He’s just another odd free agent signing the Tribe made in the offseason that is somehow paying off for them.

*Lebron Envy
*Enjoys Busch Light
*Fair weathered
*Owns Dawg Pound mask

…that about covers it.


This should be a fun week as the Tigers look to avenge being swept by Cleveland earlier in the season. Both teams look completely different from then. And living where I do, I’m surrounded by asshole Tribe fans, so this week is going to be EXTRA interesting for Your Party Host.

I hope I don’t end up cranky by the end of it.


Rob Benneian said...

This probably should have come with a NSFW disclaimer, just saying :P

I'd like a little warning when I'm about to see Grady 98% nude

h2opolopunk said...

Rogo, I love your incoherent ramblings, and you have the cojones to say what 99.9% of bloggers won't say. But is that HORRIBLE lime-green font on your logo really necessary? It's like a cross between a post-Cuervo hork and a premature baby's stool. 

Just a friendly suggestion: at least go with something a little more Tiger friendly.

Sincerely yours,
The Water Polo Punk

SRogo said...

Oddly enough, Cuervo hork was what I was going for.  And since when am I ever Tiger friendly?  Sometimes I think no one is even paying attention...

h2opolopunk said...


Marques Thomey said...

Love it Rogo.  Hate the Indians.  HATE.

Profbuzzcutt said...

you should just everything you write in your blogs into a book and call it Rogo's Mind. People would read it and it WOULD change people's lives. I can't say in a good way but it would change them. However Cleveland sucks, football, baseball oh and yes of course basketball.