Thursday, June 2, 2011

Know Thy Enemy: Chicago White Sox

Dig it out, Danks.  No one's watching.

Our bipolar Detroit Tigers currently sit at 29-26, 5 games behind the racist-logo’d Cleveland Indians. Considering that Magglio Ordonez, Ryan Raburn, Brandon Inge, most of the bullpen, and the musical chairs situation at second base have all been useless this year, it’s a miracle we’re this close. If you add in Jim Leyland’s wacky lineups drawn out Lloyd McClendon’s hat, it becomes even more mind-boggling.

Up next on the schedule is the team that many, including Your Party Host, figured would win the AL Central this year, the Chicago White Sox. And look out, they’re only 3 ½ games behind us now, thanks to some improved play lately.

Let’s check them out. And make lame jokes at their expense, naturally.


The White Sox are one of the American League's eight charter franchises. They were established in 1900 and were originally called the Chicago White Stockings, after the nickname was abandoned by the Cubs. That’s awesome. They got the name that the Chicago team that people actually care about didn’t want. Brilliant. The name was soon abbreviated to the Chicago White Sox, as legend has it that the paper would shorten it to Sox in the headlines instead of spelling out “Stockings”. Imagine that…the press was lazy. Good thing this doesn’t happen today.

/rolls eyes

After winning the World Series in 1906 and 1917, Chicago players would disgrace baseball with the famous “Black Sox” World Series gambling scandal in 1919, where several prominent members of the team were accused of conspiring with gamblers to purposefully lose games. Baseball's commissioner at the time, Kenesaw Mountain Landis (cooler name than "Bud"), took decisive action by banning the tainted players from Major League Baseball for life. They wouldn’t win another World Series until 2005 when manager Ozzie Guillen sold his soul to Satan in exchange for his crappy team getting rings. In Ozzie’s defense, it was a ballsy move that I wish Jim Leyland would consider. Batting Don Kelly leadoff isn’t going to get it done.

Thirty members of the Hall of Fame were with the White Sox at one time or another, but only eleven were inducted as Pale Hose personnel. They are Luis Aparicio, Luke Appling, Eddie Collins, Charles Comiskey, George Davis, Red Faber, Nellie Foxx, Ted Lyons, Ray Schalk, Bill Veeck, and Ed Walsh. I can see Frank Thomas joining that list some day.

Oh, I almost forgot. Before I move on, I can’t talk about the Chicago White Sox baseball team without mentioning one of the most revolting piles of shit in baseball today. He is, perhaps, the most annoying, unprofessional broadcaster in sports history, in my opinion. His “homer-dom” knows no bounds as he repeats his tired catchphrases while cheerleading his White Sox in every game while ignoring facts and what is actually happening on the field. He is Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, the only color analyst in baseball history worse than Tim McCarver.

I think I speak for AL Central fans everywhere that have ever suffered through even one inning of Harrelson calling a game when I say, “Cram it, Hawk.” And die of ball cancer.

Face of the Franchise
Wow. I never realized that Paul Konerko was this good looking. Yowza.

In reality, the captain of the White Sox has been with the team since 1999. The former high school catcher was given up on by two NL teams before his arrival, as the Dodgers traded him (and Dennys Reyes) to Cincinnati for Jeff Shaw, and the Reds would send him to Chicago for Mike Cameron. Since then, Paul’s made four All-Star teams, won the 2004 Comeback Player of the Year, hit 370 homers (377 total in his career), and have an OPS+ of 122. This year, he’s hitting .310, with 12 homers and 44 RBI at the age of 35.

Against Detroit, Konerko’s faced us 193 times and had 818 plate appearances. In that time, he’s hit .289 with 39 homers, 129 RBI, 29 doubles, and an .866 OPS. Of those 39 homers, though, only two have come off of guys on the current Tigers roster (1 each off Porcello and Verlander). He used to drill Jeremy Bonderman, hitting 5 HR off of him. As for Our Hero, Nate Robertson, Konerko faced him 58 times, hit 5 HR, and had 13 RBI. Oh, Nate. You are not missed.

Oh, and one final little known fact: Paul Konerko was the last opposing player to hit a home run at old Yankee Stadium. I live to inform.
Old Friends

Edwin Jackson, sadly, is still with the White Sox. EJax was solid in his time in Detroit before being dealt in the Granderson/Jackson/Scherzer/Coke/Schlereth deal. From Arizona he bounced to Chicago where he has been inconsistent. He seems to pitch well against us, as most returning guys tend to do. There’s rumors of him being moved to the bullpen if his struggles continue.

Sox bullpen catcher Mark Salas was a Tiger in 1990 and 1991, playing 107 games, hitting a robust .195, and hitting 10 homers and 31 RBI. Eh, better than Gerald Laird, I guess.

Other Superstar Players

The Artist Formerly Known as Adam Dunn
Jake Peavy
Mark Buehrle
Carlos Quentin
Alex Rios

Most Hated White Sock (?)
Was there any doubt? AJ Pierzynski’s a cock, hated by nearly every fan in Major League Baseball. AJ (Anthony John, BTW) was a high school teammate of Johnny Damon in Orlando, Florida. Sadly as Johnny is a classy guy that most people adore, Pierzynski’s a piece of shit that his own manager, Ozzie Guillen, once described in the following way:

"If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less.”

To AJ’s credit, he knows that he comes off as a dick and has kind of embraced the “villain” role over the years. I can respect that, but I still want to beat him to death with a nine iron every time I see his fat fucking face. In his career against Detroit, AJ’s faced us 138 times, hitting .296, with 13 HR and 62 RBI. Three of those homers have come off of JV, so keep an eye on that this series. As for Nate, the lefty-lefty matchup didn’t help Our Hero as Pierzynski hit .379 against Robertson in 29 at bats with a homer and five RBI.

White Sox fans are the unwanted, bastard sons of Chicago. They’ll never be as fun, loved, or celebrated as the Cub fans. Sox fans will most likely be fat, have a mustache, tons of body hair, a family history of heart problems, and smell like an odd combination of grease and failure.

In fact, I’ve never actually met a female White Sox fan. The closest I ever came was meeting the girlfriend of a Sox fan who only rooted for them for his benefit. Well, that and she though then-Sox pitcher Jon Garland was cute. She’s dating a Blue Jays fan now and rooting for them, so whatever, I guess. I can only assume the female Chicago fans look much like the male ones.

The real reason that I can’t stand these fucks, though, is that they continue to boo Magglio Ordonez like he stabbed them in the back. The White Sox were the ones that didn’t want Maggs anymore, thinking he was done. Instead, he went on to thrill us in Detroit all these years. So, eat a bag of cocks, Pale Hose twat-licks. Thanks for one of the most awesome Tigers ever.

/ignores asshole Tiger fans constantly talking shit about Magglio currently

Haha...I loved when he did that to Indian fans.  I wish Ozzie was our manager.  Can you imagine how much more fun this site would be with Ozzie heading the Tigers?  Oh, well.

Much like against the Twins, the Tigers are on a roll against the White Sox, as of late. If we can continue this trend and the Indians continue to fall back to Earth, we could be in for an interesting upcoming week.

And when Magglio come back next week and starts hitting again…I’m gonna let you fair-weather shits have it.

Big time.

/fingers crossed


Jais1997 said...

I was in Chicago just a while ago, for a few days. You can tell the White Sox part of town from the Cubs part of town, being the Sox part of town is absolute hood and the Cubs part of town is actually quite nice. In truth, I don't think a saw more than 2 white folks out of the uncountable number of Sox fans. And I think I saw Dontrelle Willis wearing a White Sox hat at the bus stop. I swear, perfect resemblance. That, and I coulda swore Craig Monroe was working at the Amtrak station. At this point he might be.

Jay Hathaway said...

I agree about AJ.  If he were a tennis player, he'd be Andre Douchebagassi.  If he were a mystery writer, he would be Douchebagatha Christie.  Ok, I'm done.  Hawk Harrellson is also a POS.  I watch MLB network before hitting the hay each night, and I hit the mute button when the Sox highlights come on, because I cringe when I hear his whole "You can put it on the boooaaard. . .YEEAAS!"  It just hits a nerve with me, the same nerve that is struck when people say "pop" instead of "soda" (I'm from Philly area).

Jay Hathaway said...

Oh, and I also occasionally fantasize about how wacky Ozzie would be in Detroit.

sinicalypse said...

i happen to live in chicago, so i've come to add on a few things to your glorious analysis here.  first off, there are indeed female white sox fans, but as much as i hate to buy into northsider/cubs-fan stereotypes, a good amount of them are pasty white girls with bleached blonde hair fake fingernails and sketchers shoes.

i must confess that once i was @ comiskey and i saw a really good looking chick in a shirt that said "i'd neal for cotts" and people were taking pictures with/of her in that shirt.  her musclebound-and-showing-it BF didn't seem to mind, which i found odd because 1) your woman is wearing a shirt that basically says she wants to  blow neil cotts and 2) of all of the white sox guys she wants to advertise her willingness to blow on a t-shirt, she picked NEAL COTTS?!!? ok then.

put it this way, i grew up in chicago and when i got into baseball i ended up becoming a montreal expos fan.  i saw vladimir guerrero bat once in his prime and i had one of those aliens-movie "game over man, game over" moments and that was that... so when i attend my ~35-50+ games per season between wrigley, comiskey, and miller park (milwaukee), i have the chance to soak in a lot of baseball and things about fandom, and i can tell you that if i had a gun to my head and was forced to pick a chicago team, i'd obviously pick the sox.

i can understand the hawk harrelson hate, as he's long been the butt of many a joke from out-of-towners.  my favorite moment was an audio clip of the blue jays radio team calling a game, and after teh white sox scored a go-ahead run while they're making their call you can hear a "YES!!!!!!" emanating in the background of their call... hawk is indeed that loud and obnoxious.

i'm amazed you didn't go and mention that big fight between the white sox and tigers during the 2000 season, as i remember the white sox / media pointing to that fight (which i want to say was in mid-late may or maybe even as late as early june of that season) as the "turning point" in a majestic 2000 season that saw the white sox slug their way to a playoff berth on the backs of such pitching greats as james baldwin (staff ace?), cal eldred, jim parque, and maybe even wilson alvarez?  well the first three were definitely there, and it was no surprise to see them sonned out of the playoffs rather quickly by the mariners, who then had a mighty lineup featuring griffey jr, alex rodriguez, edgar martinez, and the diminishing hulk of mass that is jay buhner.  i'm sure randy johnson didn't hurt either.

nice job reporting on the white sox, but hey, don't forget to mention that tehre's always plenty of room at the ballpark should anyone want to venture down from the D for a ~2-3 game roadtrip weekend.  you can walk up and buy tickets and usually move down to where you want, but another thing you forgot to mention was that back in the early -2000s a couple of glorious white trash white sox fan stereotypes stormed the field and attacked a royals first base coach, so ever since then they lock down the lower deck to only include people who have tickets for the 100 level, seeing as some 500 level scum had managed to wander down into teh empty seats (which any real baseball fan knows is what you do in a half-empty ballpark) so you'll have to stay in your #-hundreds-level-tier, otherwise, you can attend a game and find plenty of space to move around and the best part is there's no way in hell you can hear hawk harrelson, and of course, when your team strings together two or more people getting on base you can blurt out "DON'T STOP NOW BOYS!" to draw the ire of teh white sox faithful, all ~15000 of them per game =D