Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Justin Verlander is the Baddest Man Alive

I’ve said this before. I’ll say it again. And I’ll keep saying it.

Justin Verlander is the best pitcher I’ve ever seen in a Tiger uniform. Please, people, appreciate this man and how lucky we are to have him pitching for us every five days. He is a machine.

Tuesday evening against the Indians, JV pitched a complete game shutout and took another no-hitter into the 8th inning before noted horrible human being Orlando Cabrera broke it up with a solid single. Overall, Verlander would allow two hits, walk one, hit one, and strike out twelve.

How good was he? ESPN has even taken a break from their mourning of Derek Jeter’s injury and babbling about LeBron James to talk about it. That is quite the accomplishment.

For the season, Justin is now 8-3 with a 2.66 ERA, 105 K’s, and a WHIP of 0.89.

In honor of JV’s latest awesome effort, I thought I’d share with you some cold, hard facts about the man that you may not have known already. Remember…I live to inform.

You may have heard some of these facts attributed to Chuck Norris in the past. But Justin Verlander, his amazing mastery of a variety of pitches, and his awesome death stare make Chuck Norris look like a bigger pussy than Garfield on steroids. JV would make Norris cry like Richard Simmons at Barbara Streisand’s wedding. Justin Verlander is the biggest badass that ever lived.

Here we go.

*Ghosts sit around the campfire telling Justin Verlander stories.

*There used to be a street named after Justin Verlander, but it was changed because NO ONE crosses Justin Verlander and lives.

*Justin Verlander’s fastball once scared the fur off an Ewok. We now know that Ewok by the name “Snookie”.

*Justin Verlander actually died five years ago. Death just hasn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.

*One time, a police officer pulled Justin Verlander over. The cop got lucky as JV let him leave with just a warning.

*Justin Verlander first grew his famous stubble at the age of 18…seconds.

*Justin Verlander has a grizzly bear rug in his living room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just too scared to move.

*Justin Verlander doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

*When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Justin Verlander.

*A rattlesnake once bit Justin Verlander. After three days of intense pain and agony, the snake finally died.

*When he was in Cub Scouts, Justin Verlander’s lunch was stolen once during a camping trip. No one has seen Bigfoot since.

*Justin Verlander does not read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

*Justin Verlander does not sleep. He waits.

*Justin Verlander is currently suing NBC, claiming that “Law and Order” are the trademarked names for his fastball and curveball.

So, yeah. You get the point. Justin Verlander is awesome.

Don’t forget it.


Jay Hathaway said...

You could also borrow from the newest Dos Equis commercial: "When JV is in Rome, the Romans do as HE does."

Raburn's 2nd Base Coach said...

And the most ridiculous thing is he could only get 60% of the player of the game voting. Who the hell got the other 40%?!

h2opolopunk said...

*Justin Verlander’s fastball once scared the fur off an Ewok. We now know that Ewok by the name “Snookie”.

Silly Rogo, we all know that she's an Oompa-Loompa.

*Justin Verlander doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

OK, you're forgiven.

Brandon Sain said...


Ed Tigertracks said...

Top notch piece of writing here... 

Jdormberg said...

I love the comparison to chuck norris. I made the same observation on roar of the tiger blog today. Great minds think alike

Linkmurray said...

Hay Row Go,

Ewe must luv Vurlandur vary much. He reely is a gud picher. I dew knot think he is vary nise thow. Dew ewe think that the Tigurrs
will maik it two the whirld seerees? Thay will half a hard tyme if knowone utther than vurlander can pich. I reely luv yor riting. It is reely funnie. Will ewe bea mie frend?


Link "the stink" Murray

Pavko1tg said...

I bet Chuck Norris wears a Verlander jersey...