Friday, June 10, 2011

The Final "I Hate Don Kelly" Post

Tigers Headquarters: Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Excellent. We’re only a game out of first place. Everything is working out perfectly. But we’re still not meeting our attendance needs to cover our costs. I can’t believe that report got out that we’re so over budget. This can’t be good for my contract extension talks. We NEED more people coming to the ballpark. I’ve already put out feelers that we need yet another lefty reliever on the team. Everyone loves lefty relievers. But I can’t do the rest on my own. Dammit, where is my slave? I can’t do this without his help!

/buzzer on desk goes off

RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Dombrowski, sir? Your guest has arrived. Shall I send him in?

DOMBROWSKI: Indeed. I’ve been expecting him.

/door gingerly opens



LYNN HENNING: Greetings, oh great one. You have summoned me, my master?

DOMBROWSKI: Yes, pathetic underling. I seek your assistance once again. If you wish to be “in the know” on all matters with the team, you shall continue to write what I instruct you to. Is that a problem?

HENNING: Of course not, great leader. What is your bidding today?

DOMBROWSKI: Attendance is not where we need it. The franchise is bleeding money. We need to get more people into the ballpark supporting this fine group of players I have put together.

/lights cigar with $100 bill

HENNING: Um, sire, if I may. To save money, perhaps you could use just the lighter for your cigars? Is the money really necessa…

DOMBROWSKI: Silence! Do not question me, Henning! Ever! You sniveling coward! You are paid handsomely to keep your trap shut! My word, you collect almost as much cash from this team as an Ohio State football player receives! So, zip it!

HENNING: A thousand apologies, Mr. Dombrowski. Forgive my stupidity.

DOMBROWSKI: I always do, you twit. Now here’s your assignment. For your silly paper, I need you to sing the praises of Don Kelly once again. The public’s hero, Mr. Inge, will not be back for quite a while. We need to make this Kelly fellow the New Inge in the eyes of the Detroit people.

HENNING: But your amazingness, I just DID a piece the other day heaping unwarranted praise on Don Kelly. Wouldn’t another one so soon be transparent overkill?

DOMBROWSKI: Do NOT question my will, do you understand? Don Kelly MUST become the next great Tiger hero! The people will listen to you, for they are stupid and feeble minded. Their heads are clouded by the Detroit smog and your daily smug. They shall believe whatever I tell you to tell THEM! Now be gone with you and do not rest until this article is done!

HENNING: Yes, my master.

DOMBROWSKI: But before you go, will you please give me a hand full of that toilet paper on the table? That idiot Ilitch fed us all Little Caesars once again and I’m afraid it has given me the runs.

HENNING: You mean this bowl of fifty dollar bills, sire?

DOMBROWSKI: Yes! The toilet paper! Give it to me!

/a few hours later on the News site

Headline: Tigers fill-in Don Kelly making most of his at-bats
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I’m sorry, everyone. Again? The above imagined scenario is the ONLY reason I can come up with for Henning to be beating this sorry drum again. I think he’s trolling me at this point.

Someone make him stop. Has a below-average baseball player EVER received so much press coverage? I don’t want to write about Don Kelly anymore. I’m begging one of you, ANY of you, MAKE THESE WRITERS STOP!

Either way, I’m done picking apart Kelly articles after this one. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Sigh…let’s do this, ONE LAST TIME. I'm sick of fighting a losing battle.

Don Kelly looks about as menacing as the guy who wants to sell you raffle tickets at the church picnic.

Sure. But even the church picnic guy could probably put up a slugging percentage over Kelly’s .349.

But try and throw a sinker past him with a man on third base and two out and, more often than not it seems,

Kelly pops out? Strikes out? Grounds out weakly to second?

Kelly delivers,

Jesus Tapdancing Christ, based on what? His 6 RBI that he now has in 92 plate appearances this year? The 36 he has in his career in 437 plate appearances?

I do know that with a runner on third and LESS than 2 outs when it’s easier to bring in the run, he’s come up to bat 4 times. The runner has scored 2 of those times. That’s 50% which is NOT more often than not. I can’t find the man on third, two out data. My apologies, but I severely doubt Henning even attempted to find such data.

Also, Kelly’s come up with runners on base 55 times this year. Only 7 times have one of those runners come around to score (13%). This isn’t all Kelly’s fault, and I have no point to any of this, but I just liked the stat. Baseball-reference.com rules. Too bad they want $35 to sponsor Kelly’s page. I practically live there the way it is…

as he did Thursday night in driving home a colossal run in a game the Tigers won, 4-1, over the Mariners at Comerica Park.

Colossal run. Not just a regular run like Miguel Cabrera drives in almost ever day. Colossal. WORSHIP THIS MAN, PEOPLE!

"Don Kelly — what an at-bat," said Justin Verlander, who was a main beneficiary of Kelly's hit, which drove home Alex Avila with the go-ahead run.

No one on the Tigers was more surprised that Kelly delivered than JV, I’ll wager.

Kelly's single was followed by Brennan Boesch's two-run homer

Not a colossal homer? Sorry, Brennan. We’re not trying to build you up right now. Be nicer to the lowly press and your next homer will be MAJESTIC!

inside the right-field foul pole that finished off the Mariners and helped manager Jim Leyland's team pull to within one game of first-place Cleveland.

Nice mention of Leyland there, Lynn. Get some support for the skipper, too. I see ya, big fella. Keep that bread buttered.

"Just tried to get a pitch on the plate and go the other way, because his sinker is so good," Kelly said of his liner to left-center, his second hit of the night against Mariners starter Doug Fister, who nearly matched Verlander's artistry Thursday.

Verlander: 8 IP, 5 H, 1 ER, 1 BB, 10 K
Fister: 8 IP, 7 H, 4 ER, 2 BB, 3 K

Yeah, those are similar. Like apples and elephants.

Kelly started at third base and hit second. For the season, he's batting .253.

Let’s go back to that original headline: Tigers fill-in Don Kelly making most of his at-bats.

No. Don Kelly is making the most of 1 out of 4 of his at bats.

But hell, that’s better than Inge was doing. Even I will admit that.

3 comments:

Julian Miller said...

I wish Inge and Kelly would just make out already, so Donald would go down for a month.

Chris said...

Dombrowski's headquarters should be in that weird castle in Ypsilanti that Ford's strongman built.

Goosyun said...

Maybe that's how Inge got it... diabolical Kelly!