Sunday, May 15, 2011

Who Wants to See My Head Explode?

Last week at Bless You Boys, Kurt posted that Steve Kornacki was leaving the Detroit Tigers beat and his job as the featured MLive reporter to move to Florida. Not really knowing Steve or his work, I clicked over to his farewell post and thought it was a great reflection piece on things and people he has covered over the years. I could only dream of seeing the things he’s witnessed over time and meeting some of the all-time Tiger greats while getting PAID for it! Talk about your dream job.

Sure he appears to have affection for players I don’t care for, but Steve seems to be a nice man and I’m sure that Brandon Inge and Don Kelly really are sweet guys in person, despite being so irritatingly horrible 90% of the time on the baseball field.

What I didn’t notice until my most recent trip over to the MLive site, is that 21 minutes after Steve’s farewell piece, he had another article of his posted there. That’s odd, I thought. Then I read the title. It’s called “Detroit Tigers’ Utility Man Don Kelly is a Manager in the Making”.

/cracks knuckles

//pops neck

///licks lips

I swear, it’s almost as if Detroit Tigers writers WANT to make my head explode.

Steve, consider this your farewell present.

Detroit Tigers utility man Don Kelly has made quite an impression on third baseman Brandon Inge, the club’s longest-tenured player.

“Golly! I didn’t think it was possible for ANYONE to be worse on offense than me! Wowzers!”

“Don Kelly is always prepared more than anyone else on the team,” Inge said. “He’s ready to go into the game at any point and at any position. He’s like a chess player — always two steps ahead in the game.

If only Don Kelly were more like a baseball player, perhaps I wouldn’t hate him so much.

“Watch him during games.

No. God…no.

He’s always on the top step of the dugout, observing everything and looking for an edge.

No shit. Don Kelly watches the baseball games that his team is playing. Unlike that jerk Ramon Santiago, who spends most game days in the clubhouse betting on dog races in Miami.

He’ll make a great manager one day. He’s good around everyone and genuinely excited for others.”

Hear that, kids? Want to be a manager someday? Be nice and get excited when other people do well.

According to Brandon Inge, my mom could’ve been the next Sparky Anderson. What a wasted opportunity. I’m gonna have to remember to yell at her next time I annoy her with a visit.

“Who’s the disappointment NOW, Mom?”

/takes swig of brown liquor

After Detroit pulled out a win in Oakland last month against the Athletics, Kelly burst out of the clubhouse absolutely glowing.

Glowing? Donnie’s pregnant? Congratulations!

“That was a BIG win for us!” Kelly proclaimed.

And he didn’t even get into the game.

Thus, the victory.

Does Kelly, 31, want to manage when his playing career is done?

I’m pretty sure that could be any day now…

“I’m not ready for that yet because I want to play for a long time,” Kelly said.

I want to eat gummi bears out of Jessica Alba’s ass. Pretty sure we’re both shit outta luck, Don.


“I love the game. Yeah, but when the time comes, I definitely wouldn’t rule it out.”

Most managers that played were terrible, too. I wouldn’t rule it out, either.

Outfielder Casper Wells, who has learned about playing as a reserve for the first time from Kelly,

Thus explaining Casper’s slow start…

agrees with Inge’s evaluation.

“For sure he could manage,” Wells said. “He has a good relationship with everyone and knows everything that’s going on.

“As opposed to Jhonny Peralta. He’s a prick to the middle relievers, hasn’t heard about Bin Laden yet, and is convinced that the regular season hasn’t started yet for some reason.”

Seriously, kids.  This article is about how Don Kelly may make a good manager one day.  And the best reasons people can come up with are that he's nice, he'd make a good cheerleader, and he's usually awake.  This is sports writing at its finest.

A lot of utility players become managers because it’s almost like they’ve been managing their whole careers.”

Chain smoking and making bad decisions? Oh…that’s just our manager.

During one tough loss this season, Kelly sat between outfielders Brennan Boesch and Austin Jackson and discussed how they had been pitched to in the game. They talked about adjustments that needed to be made in their approach and in facing that pitcher again. It’s something veteran Johnny Damon often did after games last season, and talking baseball and being a great teammate are essential to clubs hoping to improve and contend.

Johnny Damon: Two time All-Star, two time World Series champion, over 2600 career hits, baseball icon.

Don Kelly: Nice guy.

Yeah. Same thing.

“There’s no question he’ll be a candidate to manage some day,” Detroit manager Jim Leyland said.

Technically, Manny Ramirez is a managerial candidate, too. Just sayin’.

“If you are talking about being a big league manager, he’d have to go to the minors and be like a prospect is as a player.

Not true. Plenty of big league managers didn’t manage in the minors. 0 for 2, Jim.

You never know how it works out. But he’s sharp; he’s definitely sharp.”

Stephen Hawking: Your next Tiger manager.

Kelly has adopted utility infielder Ramon Santiago’s approach of coming to the ballpark each day and preparing as if he is in the starting lineup.

Nice AND ready to play? Holy crap. It’s almost like he’s a professional that’s paid to play the game.

There’s more to this…but I can’t take any more. Don Kelly is a pleasant person. WE GET IT! Holy shit, stop the presses.

Is it too much to ask for decent media coverage of my favorite baseball team? Is it? The Detroit News, the Freep…they’re awful most of the time. Now, to be fair, MLive isn’t as bad as the two newspaper sites, as they have Ian and a couple other good guys there, but I can’t let them completely off the hook. Puff pieces and nonsense all of the time from our main news sites are the norm most days. To his credit, and though I often mock him, Lynn Henning is the only guy at the two major papers that will occasionally write something worth reading. Trouble is, that’s only about 25% of the time and when he’s not spitting Dave Dombrowski’s company line.

I’m not saying I want New York coverage. I don’t want to know (and I don’t need to know) if Rick Porcello is banging half of the Motor City. I don’t need dirt and locker room squabbles. I’m not really that concerned with Alex Avila’s new haircut when he gets one. The New York press is written by assholes FOR assholes.

What I would like to see once in a while is a thought provoking article. Take a stand on something and back it up with stats and well thought out points. Think outside the box for once. Take a chance. Go a day without stating the obvious. Quit playing it safe with this horseshit, Detroit media. Give me something with substance. Why must we continue to be subjected to articles that could easily be written in two sentences, yet instead drag out longer than Porky Pig attempting to sing “Hey Jude”?

Why do I have to go to Bless You Boys or Motor City Bengals to get news, reports, and actual researched opinions on the Tigers? I love BYB, MCB, and the other great Tiger blogs out there, but shouldn’t I be able to go to one of the actual Tiger NEWS sites and not want to bang my head into the fucking wall after five seconds of reading on a daily basis? This is big, bad-ass Detroit we’re talking about! One of the toughest cities in the world! And our hard-hitting local sports coverage is about as interesting and daring as watching one of the women from “Sex in the City” talk about painting her nails on “The View”.

Will one of you pricks with access to the team ask Jim Leyland why he continues to put Don Kelly in a position to fail batting 3rd or 6th all the time? Ask what took so long to make the obvious Sizemore/Rhymes swap that anyone with a brain should have seen coming before the team broke camp. Ask Leyland what he has against Casper Wells and why he bothered to even take the kid north with the team? What exactly does Brad Thomas bring to the table for this ballclub? Ask why it took so long to move Magglio down in the lineup and eventually to the DL when he’s obviously been hurting all year. What, if anything, is Miguel Cabrera doing as far as the alcohol treatment we heard so much about in the spring? Does anyone on the team care that they represent a U.S. city with one of the largest African-American populations and meanwhile have, unless I’m mistaken, exactly ONE black guy on the MLB and AAA roster combined?

There are REAL questions out there to be asked, but no. The mainstream Tiger media wants to ask Max Scherzer what his fucking favorite color is. Fuck and you.

Is this really how you end your Detroit writing career, Steve? With a Don Kelly puff piece? Good lord. Here’s the biggest problem I have…I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF THE TIGERS ARE NICE GUYS OR NOT! Are they any good? Can they produce if needed in games? That is all I give a damn about!

Fuck how “scrappy” they are. I don’t care if they work at soup kitchens when they’re not at the park. I don’t care if their wives aren’t sure how to spend their husbands’ money when they’re out of town. I don’t care if they like to play “Chutes and Ladders” together before a big road trip. And I sure as hell don’t care if someday they might…MIGHT make a good manager!


I’m sorry, Steve. You didn’t deserve any of this. The team is playing well. I should be happy. I wish I could. I’m just tired of this. So tired. Enjoy Florida and your life, Steve. Godspeed.

And take Don Kelly with you.

Where’s the Tylenol? I may have had a stroke…


Casey said...

Yes. Yes to all of it Rogo.

Justin said...

 Thank you.  My head also explodes every time I see Kelly bat higher than 7th.  It implodes whenever I see Kelly in the lineup in the outfield while Casper Wells is on the bench.  I have quit reading the newspaper coverage of the Tigers because it is piss-poor.  Keep on keepin' it real, Rogo.

Uncle Omar said...

Don Kelly is baseball's answer to the Scott Hastings types in the NBA--the seven foot tall white guy who couldn't play dead in a cowboy movie who sits at the end of the bench and pats the other guys on the ass when they come off the floor.  Of course they're great teammates, if it weren't for this they'd have to get a job selling insurance at 30K a year.  Of course they pay attention to the game, people normally pay good money to sit courtside.  Of course they're enthusiastic, pay me a million dollars a year to sit courtside and ogle the hookers, whoops, cheerleaders, and I'd be enthusiastic as all hell.  But, Steve could be worse, he might be T. J. Simers.