Friday, May 13, 2011

The Secret Manager Search: Volume 4

Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Thanks for meeting me on such short notice, sir. I’m glad you could join me for this managerial interview.
MIKE ILITCH: Sure thing, Daniel.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s “Dave”, sir.

ILITCH: Huh? Right. Why are we continuing these secret meetings with potential managers, anyway? I’m a very busy man, as you know, and the team is doing better, I’m told. The pool boy mentioned to my darling Marion that we’ve been winning lately. That’s wonderful. Are we in the World Series yet?

DOMBROWSKI: No, but yes, sir. We have been winning. But you haven’t committed to me or Jim Leyland beyond this season and I just wanted you to know that I refuse to be satisfied with not being the best. In case things fall apart again, we MUST be prepared…

ILITCH: That’s quite enough, Don. No one likes a kiss ass. Wait…yes I do.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s Dave, sir. But still, our candidate should be here any second. I can’t wait to meet her.

ILITCH: Wait…”her”? A woman? Great Little Caesar’s Ghost, Dan, they can’t even vote and you want one managing the Tigers?

DOMBROWSKI: Actually, sir, women have been able to vote since 1920 or so. The 19th Amendment was created…

ILITCH: I’m hungry.

DOMBROWSKI: This shouldn’t take long sir. This woman has come highly recommended by the network our games are shown on. They are big fans of her work.

ILITCH: If you say so. Now where is she? I have lives to ruin, you know.

/thump heard at door

SECRETARY’S VOICE: You have to pull, honey, not push. That’s why it says pull on the door. Is your head okay? There you go, sweetie.

/door flies open

FSD GIRL LAUREN: Hi-ee! Is Brandon Inge here? My friends and I just LOVE him!

DOMBROWSKI: Hello, Lauren. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Thanks for coming in for this meeting and keeping it a secret.

LAUREN: Uh oh. I’m bad at secrets. Lemmie delete my Facebook status real quick.

/spends 30 minutes messing with iPhone

ILITCH: Jesus Christ. Dylan, you’re fired.

DOMBROWSKI: (whispering) Please, sir. Give her a chance. And it's Dave, not Dylan. The Fox Sports people can’t stop raving about her. Appearances aren’t everything. Suzy Kolber probably knows more about football than half the coaches in the NFL. Linda Cohn has probably forgotten more about sports than most coaches and managers will ever know. This is no time to be sexist.

ILITCH: She’s a moron.

DOMBROWSKI: That hasn’t stopped us before, sir.

ILITCH: Good point. Proceed.

LAUREN: Done! Sorry. What are we talking about now? Is there a bar opening up you need me to appear at? Do I have to cut a ribbon somewhere? I never knew how HARD this Foxy Sports thingy would be.

DOMBROWSKI: Well, Gary at FSN told me you were quite knowledgeable about the game and that we should speak to you about a possible management position with the team. Er, you are a baseball fan, aren’t you?

LAUREN: Oh, yes. I’ve been to like FIVE games now! I got SUCH a great tan! See?

ILITCH: Yes. That is wonderful.

LAUREN: I KNOWWWW! And I just LOVE Ricky Por…something. It’s hard to say. You know, the guy that throws the ball to the batter guy? He is SOOOO hot!

DOMBROWSKI: Do you have any management experience, Lauren?

LAUREN: Well, I was assistant manager at Victoria’s Secret for like a month once. But I didn’t like it there. The other girls were SOOOOOOOO catty. They were horrible and always starting fights with each other. Now, I’m not like that but…

/complains about ex co-workers for 20 minutes

LAUREN: …and then she fucked my boyfriend. So then, I fucked her brother two days later and we were finally even. But I didn’t want to be around people like that so I quit. I’m a nice girl. Do either of you have any gum?

DOMBROWSKI: I see. Excuse me a moment. I need to place a phone call to Gary real quick.

ILITCH: Now, my dear, how did you get your job working on the television box, is it?

LAUREN: You’re funny. I saw an ad on a modeling site saying Foxy Sports needed a model. And um, well I had to wait for like a WHOLE hour before I met with some guys. Then, I accidently dropped my purse, bent over to pick it up, and before I could say anything, they hired me! It was so awesome!

ILITCH: I see. That’s kind of how I met my Marion. And Randy Smith, now that I think about it.


ILITCH:  It's not important, dear. 

/tosses $100 bill on floor

ILITCH:  Lookie there, darling.  It seems you have dropped something.

LAUREN:  Oh my gawd!  I didn't even realize I had a hundred bucks!  Lucky me!

/bends over and picks up bill

ILITCH:  We're both lucky people, my dear.

DOMBROWSKI: Um, excuse me. I just spoke to Gary and I’m afraid there’s been a mistake. Lauren, I’m sorry we wasted your time. Good luck with your position at Fox Sports Detroit. You are a lovely young woman and it was wonderful meeting you.

LARUEN: Bummer. Okay, no prob! Seeya later, I guess. Tell Ricky to call me if you see him!

/bumps into door

DOMBROWSKI: Um, you have to push on this side, Lauren.

LAUREN: Hee hee…


DOMBROWSKI: Gary was playing a practical joke, sir. He’s a dick.

ILITCH: On the contrary, that’s the best interview we’ve done. I wonder if she has any general manager experience. I like her moxy.

DOMBROWSKI: May I say that you look quite handsome today, sir. And powerful.

ILITCH: I hate you, Darrell.

DOMBROWSKI: Dave, sir.

ILITCH: Whatever.

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