Friday, May 6, 2011

The DNR Current Top 40

I haven’t done one of these lists since around Christmas, so what the hell? Since mentally I’m similar to a 9 year old, my opinion on many of the Tigers changes constantly. So every few months, I’ll go through the 40 man roster and rank the players in the order in which I like them. Whatever kills the time, no?

And everyone loves stupid lists, right? Here’s where I am with this team as of today along with where they finished the last time I did one of these. Keep in mind, these are ONLY my personal preferences. There isn’t much rhyme or reason to any of it.


1. (1) Magglio Ordonez
Yeah, he looks old and brittle. But 2006, man. Lifetime pass.

2. (2) Justin Verlander
In April games, he drops to the mid-20’s in my rankings. But the rest of the time, he’s second to only Maggs with me.

3. (3) Miguel Cabrera
Lovable lush is the best hitter I’ve ever seen not named Bonds. It’s an honor to watch him play in Detroit.

4. (6) Phil Coke
He’s a nutjob. I can’t get enough of it. A Tiger with a personality! It’s been SO long!

5. (5) Max Scherzer
The crazy-eyed bastard is very, very good. I hope he realizes his potential in Detroit before his arm explodes.

6. (4) Austin Jackson
I don’t care if he hits .180 and K’s 180 times, too. His defense is a thing of beauty to watch.

7. (9) Jose Valverde
Everyone loves to watch fat guys dancing. And I love it more every time I see Papa Grande pump his fist. And the chest beating he did after the Yankee game? Priceless.

8. (11) Victor Martinez
I know a lot of Indian fans. Smelly, ignorant, sad people, they are. They’ve pretty much come to terms with their players being traded away by now. But V-Mart’s departure still hurts for many of them. He’s a special talent.

9. (16) Jacob Turner
With every start he makes in the minors, I get more excited. But I’m terrified they’re going to rush him like they did Porcello.

10. (22) Scott Sizemore
Free at last…free at last. Thank Cobb almighty, he is free at last. Also, check out his Higgy-esque goutee. Fucker is kissing my ass…and I like it.

11. (8) Ryan Perry
His eye injury was the dumbest Tiger injury I’ve seen in quite some time. But he’s still good for the 7th and has sweet tattoos.

12. (7) Rick Porcello
I still have faith in him. But deep down, I’m still terrified that he’s going to be the next Bonderman, too.

13. (15) Brennan Boesch
Love his start this year, but part of me thinks we should be shopping him while he’s hitting again. But knowing Dave, he’ll deal him for Kyle Farnsworth and a 30 year old AA player.

14. (13) Jhonny Peralta
I’m not sure what Jhonny has to do for Tiger fans to embrace him. I think he’s done a fine job since being acquired from Cleveland. Meanwhile, everyone keeps ignoring and/or shitting on him. Weird.

15. (14) Ramon Santiago
Here’s an old sports cliché for you. Whenever Ramon plays, good things seem to happen. Corny, but true.

16. (30) Charlie Furbush
He is dominating AAA this year. When he comes up, he will be the greatest Tiger name in history. Furbush…haw.

17. (21) Casper Wells
He has produced enough for a shot, but they’d rather play less talented favorites of the manager. Casper rots on the bench. It blows my mind.

18. (12) Ryan Raburn
I’ve given Ryno a pass for a while since his bat is awesome when he’s on a roll. But despite what the defensive ratings say, he is a nightmare to watch play the field on a daily basis and his k’s are getting ridiculous.

19. (10) Joel Zumaya
RIP Zoom. I’ve given up.

20. (18) Joaquin Benoit
He’s never going to be worth what we paid for him. Last year was a fluke. I don’t think he’s really that much better than Perry.

21. (25) Andy Oliver
He’s looked good in Toledo. But like Turner, I don’t want to see him anywhere near Detroit until at least next year.

22. (24) Alex Avila
I still think he’d be a great backup catcher. But as a starter…I remain unconvinced. Sweet start, though…I hope he proves me wrong this year.

23. (NR) Brad Penny
I’d burn down a dozen churches to get drunk with Penny and listen to him tell stories about the dumb famous broads he’s nailed. Yes, I am a filthy pig. And by the way, he’s not as bad as many of you are making him out to be. He’s a solid #4.

24. (33) Al Alburquerque
He’s been the most pleasant surprise for me thus far in the 2011 season. “Wrong Turn” proved me wrong when I said he’d never see the big club. Good for him.

25. (20) Daniel Schlereth
I’m not as confident with him as our pen lefty as I was with Walker, Seay, Coke, or even Ni, but Stink Junior has done okay thus far.

26. (19) Carlos Guillen
Sorry, Carlos. Adios.

27. (26) Robbie Weinhardt
What exactly was the point of his call up this year? God forbid we have a ground ball pitcher stick in our pen.

28. (17) Brandon Inge
I must have been wasted when I ranked him 17th last time. Sorry about that. Inge has killed more rallies in the past ten years than any human could possibly count.

29. (38) Brayan Villarreal
The junior Venezuelan mafia member might have a future with us after all. He’s looked okay this year.

30. (23) Ryan Strieby
I’m surprised he’s still around. They’re never going to use him unless Mig gets loaded and drives off a cliff. And even then, Leyland will probably just make Kelly the starting first baseman to make me hang myself.

31. (34) Clete Thomas
I like Clete a lot better now that I haven’t been forced to watch him play in almost two years.

32. (NR) Omir Santos
One of the warm bodies we call catching depth. Stupid team…

33. (28) Danny Worth
With Zoom dead, Worth becomes Lynn Henning's top crush on the Tiger roster. He’s never going to be anything more than utility help, though.

34. (27) Will Rhymes
Scrappy! Gritty! Terrible.

35. (36) Jose Ortega
Still don’t know who he is.

36. (37) Duane Below
Him, either.

37. (39) Lester Oliveros
Or him. But I can’t root for a “Lester”. No effing way. If JV’s name was Lester Verlander, I would become a Blue Jays fan.

38. (32) Cale Iorg
I never want to hear his name again.

39. (40) Don Kelly
Hey! Look who moved up a spot! The walking survived abortion! Congrats, Don! Who could possibly be more hated in my cold, black heart than Don Kelly?

40. (31) Brad Thomas
Ahh, yes. The dingo rapist. Brad Thomas sucks harder than an airplane toilet. And aren’t all Australians descendents of English convicts? It would make sense since I feel like a horrible crime has been committed every time Thomas enters a game. Free Fu-Te Ni!

Two Players Gone From the List

(29) Armando Galarraga
Was shipped off to Arizona due to DD’s love affair with Penny. Still not a popular move.

(35) Audy Ciriaco
May be dead.

And there you have it.  As of an hour ago, it's my birthday.  I'd like to take this time to thank my mom for not aborting me.  Sucker.  As a result, I'll probably be in a drunken haze for the next couple days.  I'll be back Monday and try to get back in a groove around here.  Laterz...

6 comments:

rea said...

With Magglio, 2007 was the golden year--a season that Cobb, Greenburg or Kaline would have been proud tohave

F*ck Australia said...

Thank you for making Thomas your #40. Worse than Kelly because not only is he total baseball crap, but he made 1million last year and 800K this year. Kelly only bothers me when he gets starts in LF, RF, or 1B, and bats 3rd. A Thomas suck-bomb could drop at any moment in the game, at least we know when Kelly is coming.

Julian said...

You should give Leyland credit for now treating Thomas like Grilli. He only brings him in when the game's out of reach.


Still, for something unwanted, he's an abortion but slower with more regret.

JacksTigers said...

You should have waited until today! I think Verlander might have moved up a bit.

Raburn's Outfield Coach said...

Below, Oliveros and Ortega are all solid pitching prospects. Not Turner or Oliver's level, but the next tier down, guys who peak as #2 and fall out to a #5 or bullpen.

Jay Hathaway said...

Happy birthday, duder. Nice list.