Monday, April 18, 2011

The Tigers GM Answers His Mail

Dave Dombrowski has answered the questions you sent in. I would like to thank everyone that took part in this. I'm still in shock that the GM chose THIS forum to address the fans.

I warn you, though.  He's kind of a prick. No offense, Dave.

Good day, you time clock punching nobodies.

I have read your questions. And though I should have expected nothing insightful, I was still disappointed. I thought you would use this opportunity to really pick the mind of greatness. Instead, you chose to mock me and my decisions. It has made me quite sad. If your question did not get answered, it simply did not make the cut. I would apologize, but that would be admitting I did something wrong. And the word “wrong” is not in my vocabulary.

On to your questions. I must apologize.  Some of these seem to go on forever.

Q: Mr. Dombrowski, is it true that it's your wish to rid the team of all African-American players and field a team made up of Venezulans and crappy white guys?

A: I sense sarcasm in your question, good sir. Austin Jackson remains on the team, does he not? Although Clete Thomas might be a better choice now that you mention it.

And I would hardly call Will Rhymes and Brad Thomas “crappy”. Anyone that would, just does not understand baseball like Jim Leyland and myself do.

Q: Can you explain your and Mr. Leyland's love of the partially retarded OF/IF/C named Don Kelly? Specifically....why he would ever start, or be anywhere in the lineup besides the 9 hole?

A: Insults are not necessary. “Retarded” is a slur, and I take offense to it. Don Kelly is “special”. And he starts and often bats 6th because he is just that: special. I’m amazed he hasn’t received a Sports Illustrated cover story by now. The man can do anything. Again, just ask Jim Leyland.

Q: Let me preface this by saying my mind is filled with potential questions to be answered by your unique mind. However, first and foremost, I must settle a bet between my wife and I on one particular matter. Prior to your involvement with the Marlins, did you in fact star as the character Rex Manning in the film Empire Records?

As for my other questions:

1. If I demonstrate my ability to avoid the strike zone with the precision of Dontrelle Willis, will you give me a multi-million dollar contract to take up roster space with no discernible upside?
2. With the economy in its current uncertain state, would you be interested in purchasing some swampland in Florida with me at a bargain rate? It is in a region of Florida called Brad Penny.
3. I have never smelled you, but I imagine you smell divine. Do you have certain colognes you recommend as parings with polo shirts? I have a black polo shirt with thin white stripes and I would love to know what you would wear with it.

A: For those unfamiliar with Rex Manning, here is a picture.
No, that was not me. But thank you. That man is quite handsome. I may consider pleasuring myself to it in the near future. But if you look closely on his chin, this man does not possess what I call my "love button".  Close, but no cigar, my friend.

As for your other questions,

1. Of course not. We have plenty of guys that cannot find the strike zone. Yet they have something you do not. They have “intangibles” that I will not attempt to explain. They cannot be explained. At least that is what our scouting department tells me. You actually may be familiar with our head of scouting: Richard Bernstein. Good man, that Bernstein.

2. In every swampland that others wish to cast aside, I see life. And there is life in Brad Penny, too, my friend. He was a Marlin, for crying out loud.

3. I smell like a winner. I wish it was something I could explain, but it is just something you are born with. And I have a ring to prove it, pal. As for your black and white polo, that upsets me. Polos should be a statement of your mood that day. Today I have a lovely lavender polo with crimson stripes. The lavender suggests my overall jovial mood. But the more questions I take from you ungrateful peons, the anger begins to show more and more. Thus the crimson. Does that make sense? Of course not. You could never understand. If you want a nice polo, try this one. It’s not something I would wear, but it may be more in your price range.

Q:  Mr. Dombrowski, is it true that former Marlins are just better people than the rest?

A:  Ah, a rare good question. You would think that. But there was something about guys like Reggie Abercrombie, Charles Johnson, Bobby Bonilla, Derrek Lee, Darren Oliver, Tim Raines and a few others that rubbed me the wrong way. I’m not sure what it was.

Q:  Please explain to me what in the thunder that you were thinking when you did any or all of the following:

1) Signed Chris (oops,, I mean Adam) Everett to play shortstop
2) Actually allowed Chris to play the position
3) Signed him again!
4) Acted like nothing was wrong - thought that he might have been the next Phil Ruzzuto the way you acted - even though the man had no range to the left, no range to the right, not sure handed at things hit right at him, and COULD NOT HIT A LICK!!!!!!!

Honest Dave - what were you thinking???

A:  Sigh.  Rough subject here.
1. I was thinking about how great my life was, as I always do. And “Chris”. I see what you did there. Ha.
2. If you sign someone to play, you let them play. Like Nate Robertson.
3. He gave me hair tips.
4. I eventually came to the conclusion that we should release him. I died a little inside that day. Adam, if you’re reading this horrid excuse for a blog, I miss you. The Cleveland series cannot come soon enough. I miss your musk. It almost smells like my aroma of being a winner. And I speak not of that Charlie Sheen nonsense. That man stole my idea.

Q: Why, oh why, do you allow Rod Allen to get within 50 feet of a live mic for any purpose when one considers the following:

1) He is dumber than a doornail
2) He can't speak English
3) He does not know his elbow from a hole in the ground
4) He consistently utters such useless tidbits as "He made a good major league play on that one. He went all the way from 1st to 2nd as soon as the batter received a walk. That's good heads-up baseball" (O.K., perhaps a slight exaggeraton, but not by much!). Unfortunately, he offers these types of tidbits as his great insights to the game of baseball - it is the best that he has in his bag!

I listen to the radio with Dan and Jim while watching the TV with the sound down. There is a about a 10-second difference between two and it is frustrating, but nearly as bad as Ol' Rod. SERIOUSLY, GET RID OF THIS CLOWN NOW!

So, back to my question, Dave, why do you keep him? This ought to be good!

A: It's quite simple, really. Rod gives Mario street cred. That’s what my P.R. people tell me, anyway.

Q: Why the hell do you keep drafting bullpen arms?

A: It just works out that way. I mean…oh, what the heck. I’m going to let you in on a little secret when it comes to draft day. 

There is no science to the MLB Draft. For every Joe Mauer there is an Albert Pujols. You never know what some kid is going to turn into. So, we don’t even prepare for the draft anymore. Sure, we outline which family members of Tiger personnel we plan on selecting, but for the rest of it, we just throw darts at a wall. 

Whomever the dart hits, that’s who we draft. I still remember in 2006 when I was aiming for Tim Lincecum and I ended up hitting Andrew Miller instead. Oh well. There are no do-overs. That’s life.

Q: My wife and I are considering hiring a new babysitter. Any suggestions on what we should look for?

A: When in doubt, hire a Venezuelan. There isn’t anything those people cannot do.

This is all I can bare. I attempted to do some good by putting myself out on this blog. But I see this was futile. I shall return to my duties for the time being. Though I think he should be the one thanking me, I would like to thank Mr. Rogowski for this chance at addressing the masses. Perhaps I shall return later in the season. For now, though, I am through with the lot of you.

Don't forget to stop by the official Tigers shop at and do something positive in your lives for once. Support your team.
Good day.

David Dombrowski

Thank you, good sir. I'll never forget this.


Zzz said...

Do the Tigers have any say over whether Rod Allen keeps his job? I would think he works for Fox Sports Detroit, not the Tigers.

JacksTigers said...

Someone likes Dan and Jim on the radio? I cant stand them. Rod and Mario might be my favorite duo in the league. If you want bad, listen to a Reds game on the radio.

Kevin L. said...

"Love Button". Ha.

Dan said...

Dan and Jim are great radio host man I think you might have lost it Jacks.....

SRogo said...

I'm split on the Dan/Jim duo, myself. I think Dan's great and would rather listen to him than Mario anyday. Jim Price, however, makes my ears bleed.

Kevin said...

during the yankee series rod was going on and on about a particular baserunner (I dont remember who) and how good his baserunning instincts were, because he ran early and got a good jump. However Rod Allen didnt realize that the count was 3-2 with 2 outs.

Jon said...

Jim Price is light years worse than Rod Allen. Everytime I hear him say "The art of pitching" I want to get up and drive to Comerica and punch Jim in the face.

Kev-O said...

The best way to get through a Tigers Telecast is to play "The Rod Allen Drinking Game" if you havn't heard of it look it up on Facebook, even if you're not a drinker it's fun to listen for the crap that comes out of Rods mouth. God Bless you Rod!

Kev-O said...

Here is the link to "The Rod Allen Drinking Game" if you click info on the left it gives you the rules.!/pages/The-Rod-Allen-Drinking-Game/117462998267879

Kev-O said...

I Agree I like Mario and Rod. Try listening to some of the others out there like "Hawk" Harrelson. I can't stand "homers"like him and that douche from the Yankees. If I ever hear "put it on the board!" Or "it is high it is far" our anything related to an "A-Bomb" again it'll be too soon. I also hate when announcers use first names and nick names like Harrelson does like they and us are best friends with the players. So for those reasons I'm greatful for Mario and Rod.

JacksTigers said...

Whenever i hear "you can put it on the board" i scream "you can shove it up you ass" in the same beat.

JacksTigers said...

Wait, your name is Dan... Do we have Mr. Dickerson among us!!!!