Monday, April 4, 2011

Sports Talk Radio Hosts Are Terrible Writers

Over at Bless You Boys, reader “The Eric” posted a link to a piece at mLive by Bill Simonson. I’ve never heard of Bill, but it seems he hosts some radio show in Michigan that other BYB readers are describing as horrible. This makes sense as the local sports talk guys in the Toledo area, where I live, are ignorant simpletons that leave me screaming at my radio like a lunatic any time I’m dumb enough to turn them on. I can only assume that the local Michigan guys would be awful, too. Somehow, websites out there keep letting these guys that like hearing their own voice, no matter what’s coming out, have a forum to write their stupidity, too. This piece appears to be one of them.

The Eric went on to say that even I, Your Party Host, would not go after this article because it would be as easy as punching a kindergartener.

Well, The Eric, you are underestimating me, my friend. First off, I’m incredibly lazy and the easier a target, the more I’m willing to engage it. And secondly, have you ever met a kindergarten-age child? Good lord, they are horrible creatures. They’re loud, smelly, dirty, selfish little monsters that make you want to commit unspeakable crimes to shut them up. Who WOULDN’T want to punch a five year old if was socially acceptable?

My kid’s six and I love him to death, but yikes. At least three times a month I’m sitting in McDonald’s Playland with my head in my hands while he’s off leading some “Lord of the Flies” revolution at the top of the plastic play set and screaming out orders to his new minions of destruction. I often fanaticize about how wonderful it would be if I choked to death on my quarter pounder with cheese so it will all be over. Let’s just say I understand why some animals eat their young.

Sorry about that. Anyway, back to Simonson’s piece. If you look in the upper right corner of my blog, it says “Do not take this blog too seriously”. I put that there because I had wrongfully assumed that people would have a good idea when I was being silly and when I was speaking what I really felt. I was wrong. But I don’t see this anywhere on mLive’s page, so I can only assume that Simonson is a mental patient that has never watched baseball in his life. You’ll see what I mean. I’ll just hit the main points of the piece for you.

Why Brennan Boesch didn’t play in every game in New York after how he tore up spring training pitching is what drives me nuts about Leyland.

Really? THAT is what drives you nuts about Leyland? You haven’t been watching Jimbo for very long, have you?

And as for Boesch’s spring, sure it was nice. But by your logic, Matt Wieters should be out of a starting job in Baltimore because Jake Fox somehow hit 10 home runs in meaningless March games against a lot of AAA pitching. Maybe in the early 2000’s, the Tigers missed the boat by not giving journeyman Ernie Young a job since I believe he used to lead the team in spring dingers every year. Or perhaps, spring means little to a majority of the players and you shouldn’t read anything into it.

Naw. That would be sane.

Bump Ordonez to sixth and let a true home run threat sit in front of Miguel Cabrera.

That’s what we need…Miguel coming up with no runners on base. I like your style.

/rolls eyes

I’m good with Boesch sitting if he isn’t hitting.

After three games in 2011 you want him taking Magglio’s spot in the lineup. So, if he three bad games in a row you want him gone? This isn’t the NFL, bucko. There’s 162 games, you know. Albert Pujols hit into three double plays on Opening Day. He’s hit into FOUR on the young season, leading the major leagues! Think the Cards should release him?

Right now the kid looks like he can hit a home run every time he steps to the plate.

One home run in eight at bats entering today’s game. Sure, it’s a small sample size but it is 12.5% of the time. I LIKE THOSE ODDS!

Uh oh, we just lost to the Orioles. Boesch didn’t go yard in four at bats. He’s down to a homer 8.3% of the time. THIS IS LEYLAND’S FAULT!

To take advantage of the best lineup Detroit can put out there, Victor Martinez should be behind the plate as the everyday catcher. Alex Avila doesn’t have the arm or bat to be a fulltime player.

This is my favorite thing said in the whole article. Yes, Martinez should be starting every game because Avila doesn’t have the ARM. Have you ever seen V-Mart throw a ball? Stephen Hawking can throw a ball farther and with more zip than Victor Martinez.

Ryan Rayburn’s bat deserves to be in the lineup.

Raburn. There is no “Y” in Raburn. I propose that any prick that can’t learn how to spell Ryno’s name is no longer allowed to speak about him. I mean, it’s only written on the back of his fucking uniform.

Part of me thinks Ramon Santiago will deliver more offense than Will Ryhmes can because Ryhmes has no power and the Yankees looked like they had him figured out.

/deep breath

1. It’s “Rhymes”, not “Ryhmes”. You did it twice, so I assume it wasn’t a typo…you’re just a fuckhead.

2. Santiago has more power than Rhymes like an eleven year old has more power than a seven year old. Power isn’t their game.

3. The Yankees looked like they had Rhymes figured out because Rhymes sucks. Also, he did get robbed of a hit or two. Will wasn’t the problem in New York even though he shouldn’t have been starting against Sabathia.

4. Santiago has proven that he won’t play well if you overwork him. Rhymes hit over .300 as the starter at the end of last season. I prefer Sizemore over Tinkerbell personally, but Will is an okay choice against righties until Guillen comes back. Let Ramon play against lefties and occasionally give Peralta a rest.

5. You are a dipshit.

Boesch is better hitting third in the order rather than batting sixth.

And this is based on what? Your encyclopedic Detroit Tigers knowledge? You know, the same knowledge that has you not knowing how to spell “Raburn” or “Rhymes”?

The Tigers' bats in the first three games point to a lot of potential run production this season if Leyland runs his best out there every game.

Actually, I think the Tigers’ bats in the first three games point to jack and shit.  It was three games.  We scored a decent amount of runs.  Yay.

Today we scored one against Baltimore.  And they suck.  You know what that means?  Again, nothing.  It's April 4th, not August 4th.

Leyland lost me again when he made Phil Coke his left-handed starter. Watching Coke come out of the bullpen twice and struggle to get any left-hand hitter out in the Yankees' lineup was painful. Coke has shown enough in one weekend to not pitch again this season.

Ouch. My jaw just hit the floor. That hurt.

Coke pitched 2 1/3 innings in New York. He gave up 2 earned runs on 3 hits. Not wonderful. But really…he showed enough to not pitch THE REST OF THE SEASON?

Do me a favor, bro. Go outside and locate a busy intersection. Wait for a bus to come by and walk in front of it. Jackoff.

Shaky is a nice word about the Tigers' middle relief arms three game into the season.

Early into the season, I’m trying to think of nice words to describe your Detroit Tiger analysis. The best ones I’ve come up with so far are “idiotic”, “brainless”, and “ludicrous”. That or we can just go with “really fucking stupid”.

Starter Max Scherzer couldn’t get his fastball by any hitter the last outing in spring training or Sunday in New York.

Scherzer had six strikeouts in five innings. Eat a bag of dicks.

You put your fifth best starter, Brad Penny, in the second game of the season to face the powerful Yankees lineup? Where was the Tigers' No. 2 starter, Porcello, on Saturday?

1. Porcello is the #3/#4 starter.

2. You already said Coke shouldn’t pitch anymore and if Penny is worse than Coke…does that mean we should go to a three man rotation? My head hurts…

How do you not play your second-best arm against the Yankees' No. 2 starter? You had all spring to set your rotation for the start of the regular season.

They want Scherzer to start the Home Opener. It’s been covered. Also, they’ve hit AJ Burnett okay in the past. And again, if you're referring to Porcello as the #2, I have no clue where you got that info.  Where has Kid Rick been called the #2 starter other than in your obviously confused little head?

Yes, I know there is a 162-game schedule in baseball and that you can’t judge a team three games in.

So you admit that this entire piece was bullshit and a waste of time for everyone involved? Sweet.

The first three games tell me (Leyland) hasn’t changed.

Oh. Maybe not.

The Eric, you were right after all. My brain feels raped. I should have left this one alone.

I close with this quick letter to Detroit area columnists…

Dear serious media, whether it be blogs or on newspaper sites:

If you insist on covering the Tigers, can you see it in your heart to quit having the most moronic, mouth-breathing embarrassments to sports writing be the ones to do it? You are giving me and the majority of decent Tiger fans out there brain cancer with the utter nonsense you all keep churning out.

Please stop. Or I will be forced to track you all down and fucking kill you.



The_Eric said...

Bravo Rogo, Bravo!

Guest said...

No surprise coming from this guy. I think he got fired from his pre-michigan job for saying something racist on the radio, and then followed it up by questioning the patriotism of Caleb Campbell after he was going to try and play for the Lions and not serve overseas.

Pass over if you value your sanity.

Justin said...

lol nice dissection. the media is 50% talent, 50% morons. i hopelessly yearn for the return of the days when sportscenter showed mostly game highlights.

remember when you could watch an hour edition of sportscenter and could see all the HR from that day, see most of the runs scored in each game, see the top 10 plays, etc?

now we are stuck with morons that want to analyze the AROD being fed popcorn, and jabronis like The_Eric who wants to act like he is smarter than Leyland, when the points in your article prove he has not followed the Tigers a lick the whole offseason. Hell, he could have read the yahoo team summary and known more in three minutes than he displayed in his article.

viva la Rogo.

Justin said...

I have to apologize for mention The_Eric when I meant to reference Bill Simonson.

Chuck Chessor said...

I feel really bad for the people on the west side and northern part of the state of Michigan that have to deal with his "Huge" BS on a daily basis. This guy is the worst of the worst in the sports radio game.

Mike said...

"Huge" is a complete douche. Way to take him down

Tyler Bullock said...

I have MLive Tiger's News on my RSS Feed, and yeah none of those authors know jack shit about baseball. They just write random crap based on the at-bat or two they saw of the game. Whatever though, designaterobertson, BYB and MotorCityBengals are the only Tiger's sources I need.

Matt said...

Thank you so much, Rogo, for taking on this piece of shit. He has a terrible radio show, and he writes a column for the Grand Rapids Press every Monday. It would make my year if you bookmarked his column and gave him the FJM treatment every week. Trust me, it'll be the easiest material you've ever written.

verlander said...

//Starter Max Scherzer couldn’t get his fastball by any hitter the last outing in spring training or Sunday in New York.

Scherzer had six strikeouts in five innings. Eat a bag of dicks.//

I lol'd. Succinct.

Also, as a huge Phil Coke apologist, this guy's comments on Phil Coke are ridiculous. Those two runs came off Granderson's bat in game one. He was better in his second appearance. Eat a bag of dicks, indeed.