Wednesday, April 6, 2011
OMG, Dave Dombrowski Joins the DNR Team!
But I never thought something like THIS would happen. I recently heard from the man himself, Mr. Dave Dombrowski, GM of the Detroit Tigers! And he wants to contribute to this blog! Now come on, why would Mr. Dombrowski contact a schmuck like me when there’s so many other better and more widely read Tiger outlets out there if he wants to speak to the fans? I guess I’ll let him explain that himself, as I'm sure he can do a better job of it than I can. Do I know for sure that it’s him? I mean, now that I think about it, his voice really did sound like the one inside my head when I spoke to him. But eff that, it’s Dave Dombrowski, people! Who am I to argue with him? Like I’m gonna turn THIS down! Here is the first of what I hope is MANY letters sent to my email from the head honcho himself.
This is such an honor…
Good day to you, my ignorant little cash registers.
Perhaps I should begin by explaining to why I, David Dombrowski, President, CEO, and General Manager of the Detroit Tigers baseball organization have chosen this forum to address you all. I mean, it’s widely known that I have a perfectly capable puppet named Lynn Henning at the Detroit News that is happy as a clam to write whatever nonsense I tell him to. But to be quite frank with you all, that has become boring to me. I don’t feel that my thoughts are being expressed clearly enough through Lynn’s words. I’ve grown tired pulling his strings and feel more a direct approach will be more satisfying to a man such as I. And having my words published on such a minor platform as this, through the immature simpleton known as this “Rogo” fellow, well, I dare any of you to actually get me to admit that these words are my own. I will deny it until the day I die. But, alas, it is truly me and I have much to say in the coming baseball season. Take note.
You have no idea the pressures that go along with my profession. I work every day in Detroit, Michigan…one of the most drab and depressing cities in the free world. The only way my job could be more depressing is if I were to wake up in say, Cleveland. Or perhaps, Mexico. But I am paid handsomely and have a high profile position in Major League Baseball. Things could be worse. I could be one of you, for example.
I sense that the team’s 1-3 start has upset many of you. Take it from me, no one is more upset than I. This, as you may know, is my contract year, and I have done everything in my power to put a team on the field that has a chance at taking home the American League pennant. But do you realize how difficult it is to convince a free agent to come play in Detroit, for God’s sake? Why do you think we have so much foreign talent? These non-English speaking men hear the name “Detroit” and their minds are flooded with images of finely made automobiles, Motown music, and legends like Al Kaline and Willie Horton. American born players think of unemployed hooligans, burning cars, and polluted air. You try convincing Carl Crawford or Cliff Lee to give this wretched city a second look. You mouth-breathers have destroyed this once proud city.
The reason I bring this up is because every day my secretary opens up the interweb for me and I read nothing but ignorance that appalls me. You, John or Jane Q. Sixpack, have the nerve to sit there in your parents’ basement, type up scathing criticisms with your fat little Cheeto stained fingers, and pretend that you could do my job or Jim Leyland’s job better than we can. You act as if you, with your dimpled posteriors and complete lack of hand-eye coordination know what goes through the mind of a talent like Brandon Inge or Jhonny Peralta when they are at the plate. The mere notion that you would offer advice to success stories such as myself or these men floor me, to be quite honest.
What I aim to accomplish with this first letter on this ridiculous blog is simple. I want you all to relax. We are less than a week into the 2011 MLB campaign. There are wonderful human beings on this team such as Alex Avila, Don Kelly, Will Rhymes, and the previously mentioned Brandon Inge that leave their hearts out there on the field every day for you people. Success is sure to translate from these men. If the moron forwarding these words to you for me can supply a link correctly, I urge you to please support these players by purchasing one of their jerseys here for a low, low price, only at the official Tigers online shop. They, and their bank accounts, appreciate it, I promise you.
This weekend, we open the illustrious gates of Comerica Park back in Detroit with the Kansas City Royals coming to town and hope that you all turn out to welcome us back. It may be cold, so be sure to come prepared. These official Tiger team jackets are bound to keep Jack Frost at bay. There are also several unbelievable ticket deals at Comerica Park early in the season for your enjoyment, as well. Who else but the Detroit Tigers would offer you such a deal?
I close with the following thought. Stop complaining. Before I got here, this franchise was the laughingstock of Major League Baseball. Former GM Randy Smith had turned this once proud franchise into the American League’s equivalent of what the Pittsburgh Pirates are today. At least nowadays, the Detroit Tigers are talked about as an early favorite to win their division. You ungrateful peons should be writing Mr. Ilitch on a daily basis, demanding that I be retained in the coming years. Would you really prefer to go back to the days of the 1990’s where your hopes and dreams rode on the backs of men like Mike Moore, Steve Sparks, and Dean Palmer?
I think not. Never forget what I have done for you, Mr. or Mrs. Sixpack. You people owe me. I shall speak to you again, soon, assuming this moronic blogger has not altered my words.
President, CEO, and General Manager
WOW! This is the greatest day of my life. Thank you, Mr. Dombrowski, for choosing MY SITE to address the fans. I am truly humbled.
Until next time…