Monday, April 18, 2011

Know Thy Enemy: Seattle Mariners

Through 8 games with Toledo, Scott Sizemore is hitting .407 with 2 doubles, 1 home run, 4 RBI, 5 walks, and a .500 OBP.

Through 11 games with Detroit, Will Rhymes is hitting .220 with 0 extra base hits in 46 plate appearances and has an OBP of .289 and an OPS+ of 47.

Tinkerbell must die.

We’re awful right now. Luckily one of the few teams playing worse than us is the Seattle Mariners. Winning this series is a must to keep me from going on a killing spree.


The "Mariners" name originates from the prominence of marine culture in the city of Seattle. The team was founded in 1977 and did not have a winning season until 1991. In fact, they are one of only two MLB franchises (and the only AL team) never to have gained a berth in a World Series; the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals of the NL are the other team.

The M’s are owned by Nintendo of America. The only other two MLB teams owned by corporations are the Atlanta Braves (Liberty Media) and the Toronto Blue Jays (Rogers Communications). 2001 was their best season, tying the MLB record with 116 wins, beating Cleveland in the ALDS, but getting beat up 4 games to 1 by the Yankees in the ALCS.

Five Hall of Famers have been associated with the Mariners at one point or another: Gaylord Perry, Pat Gillick, Rickey Henderson, Goose Gossage, and Dick Williams. Ken Griffey Jr. will probably be their next, and first TRUE Mariner representative as he was the face of the franchise in the early 90’s. That is, unless Edgar Martinez somehow gets in. Randy Johnson and Alex Rodriguez also got their starts there.

Face of the Franchise
Despite being 37 years old, a singles hitter, and Japanese, Ichiro Suzuki remains an icon in Seattle. The man spent nine years playing for the Orix Blue Wave in Japan before defecting to MLB and the M’s in 2001 and winning the MVP and Rookie of the Year while leading the AL in stolen bases and batting average. Ichiro had his best offensive season to date in 2004, highlighted by his breaking of George Sisler's 84-year-old record for most hits in a season.

For his career against the Tigers in 87 games, Suzuki has hit .317 with 3 homers, 23 RBI, 14 doubles, 4 triples, and 17 stolen bases. Joaquin Benoit has handled him well, as Ichiro’s only 6 for 34 (.176) lifetime against him. Expect Jim Leyland to ignore that and have Brad Thomas face him instead…Ichiro is 2 for 3 against the koala fucker.

Suzuki hits JV pretty well, going 15 for 41 (.366) with a homer against him. He’s 4 for 9 against Rick Porcello, 1 for 5 against Phil Coke, and 1 for 6 against Max Scherzer, FYI, too.

Old Friends

Luke French is still in the system after the great trade that brought us Jarrod Washburn. Oddly enough, French grew up a Mariners fan as a kid. Glad that worked out for him.

Carl Willis is the Mariner pitching coach and was a member of the famous 1984 Tigers team. He also got a ring from the 1991 Minnesota Twins.

Our Hero, Nate Robertson, is taking up space on the Seattle DL with an elbow owie. Can’t wait until he gets better because this blog isn’t the same without him in the league.

Other Superstar Players

Felix Hernandez

…that’s it. This team blows.

Most Hated Mariner
I can’t stand “The Game”, Milton Bradley. Bradley is named after his father, Milton Bradley, Sr., who filled out the birth certificate form without his wife's permission. That’s classy, folks.

I don’t like Bradley because he commits the one sin I cannot stand about professional athletes. I don’t care if they’re jerks. I don’t care if they’re selfish. I could give two shits if they smile and sign autographs.

No, I dislike Bradley because he has wasted his talent in his eleven year career for eight teams. He has fought with managers, been hurt a lot, and made a number of incredibly stupid mistakes on the field. In 2007, he tore his ACL while arguing with an umpire. He went after a Royals broadcaster in 2008. The Cubs suspended him in 2009 for talking trash about the team to the media. And even this year, on January 18, Bradley was arrested and charged with making criminal threats to a woman.

He is a moron beyond all belief. The guy has talent. I mean he led the AL in OPS in 2008 at 1.036. But he’s an idiot and one thing I can’t stand is stupidity.  It also doesn't hurt that for his career against the Tigers, he's hit .323 with 5 homers and 19 RBI in 42 games.  Yeah...fuck him.



-Starbucks employees

-Leftovers from the grunge movement

In Summary

So, who sucks more, Detroit or Seattle? Only one way to find out.

If we get swept, I will be instructing my friend Dave Dombrowski to fire Jim Leyland immediately and then hang himself.

But before that, see my previous post and send Dave your letters!


JacksTigers said...


Blake VandeBunte said...

I agree. I think this is a pretty big series. If the Tigers go out and lay an egg, I think some sort of change needs to take place. It could be Leyland, but at the very least, I think a roster shake up would be in order.

Chuck Chessor said...

Another thing about Milton Bradley.....he is one of the only major leaguers I've ever seen to respond to hecklers....he loves to turn around and talk back or gesture to the crowd. Probably another reason he is a talent wasting clown....paying too much attention to the crowd and not enough on the game.

momotigers said...

Carl Willis...seriously. How do some of these clowns (I see ya, Rod Allen) get a championship ring or two while Ty Cobb, Ted Williams, and Ernie Banks are "hardware challenged".

Julian said...

Joaquin Benoit has handled him well, as Ichiro’s only 6 for 34 (.176) lifetime against him. Expect Jim Leyland to ignore that and have Brad Thomas face him instead

Julian said...

Dammit, hit enter too early. For some reason, that might be the funniest thing I've ever read on this site.