Is it really him? How can it NOT be? I mean, who would be so hard up for comedy material to do a dumb gimmick like the GM of their favorite baseball team insulting and shilling to fans? Only a complete idiot, that’s who. Geez.
Anyway, on to Dave’s latest…
Greetings, ungrateful mouth-breathers.
I hope you’ve all quit panicking now. Two incredible walkoff wins in a row for your Detroit Tigers. What more could you ask for?
First Miguel Cabrera wins a ballgame with a dramatic bases loaded single. Now you see why I keep bailing him out of prison, no? And the walkoff home run by Brandon Inge…now that was a thing of beauty. You know Brandon is now the all-time leader in Comerica Park history for walkoffs, do you not? That is why he is the face of the franchise, people. You’re welcome for re-signing him this past offseason to play third base for several million dollars more than anyone else would have given him.
And speaking of third base, by clicking here you have the opportunity to purchase an official MLB base signed by the one-time All Star, Brandon Inge himself, for only $249.99 at the official online Tigers shop! Certainly you can skip just one of your trailer park payments to have your own piece of Major League history.
But let us get to the purpose of today’s address to you all. As you know, I am a busy man. But I’m also a giving man. Everything I do and every move that I make is done to please you, the Detroit Tiger baseball fan. Do you appreciate it? Of course not.
You are all ignorant, know-it-all, cretins. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Put down the Twinkie, ascend your mother’s basement stairs, and take a look in the bathroom mirror. You’ll see that I’m right. But I’m not going to let that stop me from helping to improve your depressing, sad, little lives.
This idea came to me over the weekend in Detroit. I was taking a stroll outside Comerica Park before Saturday’s game against the Royals. I was lost in my thoughts about how amazing a job I have been doing, when a middle aged man of color approached me. Of course, I naturally assumed that my life was in danger when he confronted me and began verbally assaulting me with what, at first, sounded like clicks and whistles to my untrained ear.
Now, I usually don’t have much contact with people like this other than those who pump my gas, water my lawn, and play center field for us, but I was finally able to understand his ramblings. He was saying “Eat ‘em up Tiger, eat ‘em up” over and over again. I know…I’m impressed with my ability to translate his language, too.
So as this smelly thing was shaking his cup and badgering me with his nonsense, I realized that he must be seeking financial assistance from me. Imagine that, someone in Detroit looking for a handout. But being the giving man that I am, I reached for my wallet and was somewhat amazed that it was still in my pocket. I was walking on a Detroit street, after all.
Anyway, sadly for this man, I only had hundreds in my possession. And obviously, I’m not going to give this man a hundred dollars. He’d only end up spending it on booze or would end up eating the marijuana…whatever these people do.
Instead, I decided to make an unprecedented move. I gave this man the shirt off my back…literally. I removed my $500 striped polo that I had picked out for that day (cornflower blue with maroon stripes), and handed it to him as a gift. I’m sure he had never even seen a polo of that quality, let alone owned one. But sadly, the man just took my gracious gift and kept wandering down the street chattering his same nonsense to others unfortunate to pass him on the street. And it made me sad.
Much like all of you, this man did not appreciate what a selfless, great man that I am. And I truly want others to realize how amazing David Dombrowski is. Though this ruffian did not appreciate my help, I am hoping that someone reading this infernal blog will do so. That is why I am prepared to make an offer to ANY and ALL those literate enough to make out what is appearing on their computer screen right now. Please pay attention.
I am offering my genius mind to each of you. I want you to ask me anything, anything at all, and I will respond in a week or so with another post sent here to this site. Ask me about baseball. Ask me for advice. Ask me the meaning of life, if that is what you wish. Even ask me to solve your trivial love life problems, it matters not to me. But I am prepared to take time out of my incredibly busy schedule of watching baseball games and drafting the relatives of our employees to be there for you. I care about the fans of the Detroit Tigers, even though few, if any, have had the courtesy to even say “thank you” to me over the years.
So if you have a question for me, David Dombrowski, send it to Mr. Rogowski’s email address at firstname.lastname@example.org. I apologize, I refuse to address him as “Rogo” for I am not speaking to a dog or a clown of some sort. At least I do not think so. Title your email “Question for Dave” or something to that effect. If you are too lazy for that, and I fear you may be, I will make an attempt to scan the comments section of this post to field some questions. But emails would be preferred for Mr. Rogowski to forward them to me. And no, I will not be revealing my personal email to any of you lowlifes. And if Mr. Rogowski does, my lawyers will be in contact with him.
So there. You are welcome. Please continue to support this baseball team I have slaved away to put together against Oakland and Seattle as they suffer though a trip to the West Coast this week. Be sure to visit Comerica Park next weekend as our rivals, the Chicago White Sox, come to town. Great deals are available to you via the Tigers website. And after Sunday's game, your snot-nosed little rugrats can run their fat little legs around the bases after the game. I look forward to seeing you all there.
But don’t ask me for money. I have learned my lesson in that matter.
I look forward to being amused by your, no doubt, fascinating questions. Good day.
Ho. Lee. Shitballs.
I know many of you just lurk and come for the “f” bombs and Don Kelly jokes. But this is YOUR chance to contribute and pick this great man’s mind! Shoot me an email for Dave at email@example.com and I’ll be sure to give it to him and won’t give your email to anyone else. Scouts honor. Help out, kids…this could be fun.
And THANK YOU DAVE! You’re the best GM ever! I am the luckiest blogger alive…