Wednesday, March 16, 2011

St. Patrick's Day in Lakeland

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: (talking into phone) I know you don’t like this. But we feel that it’s the best thing for the organization that you have someone with you today. I mean, it’s St. Patrick’s Day. I know that might not mean a lot to you and the people from your country, but in the United States, most people associate this day with drinking to excess. I’m confident in you and the fact that you have things under control, but you have to understand that the Detroit Tigers baseball organization needs to show its fans that we are serious about you and your well being. Understand?
MIGUEL CABRERA: (talking into phone) Hermano. Hermano. You don’t understand my problems. I no need this. I fine. I just want get in shape for season. I work out today. No drink. Promise.

DOMBROWSKI: That’s wonderful, Miguel. But what’s done is done. We love you as a player, but we love you even more as a person. Luckily, several of your teammates have volunteered to spend the day with you and keep you company and help you out in any way. Call me if there are any problems and I’ll even drop by in a little bit myself.  We're here for you.

CABRERA: Whatever, man. I go now.

DOMBROWSKI: Thanks, pal. You’re the man.

/hangs up

CABRERA: Hijo de puta estúpido. Voy a ejercer ahora.

/begins lifting weights

CABRERA: Feels good. I win MVP this year.

/commotion in hallway

CABRERA: ¿Quién está ahí? Who there?

/door flies open

FU-TE NI: Herro, Cablella-san!


NI: Happy Saint Patlick Day! I so velly happy to spend day rifting weights with arr stall filst baseman! You muscres get biggel evely day, Cablella-san!  Rike Alnord Schwaltzeneggel!

CABRERA: Gracias, Fu. Anyone else coming? No offense.

NI: Of coulse. I see lear rife replechaun in harrway!

CABRERA: A leprechaun?

NI: Oh yes. You know replechaun. He pray fol us, too.  Heel he come now!

/door flies open
WILL RHYMES: I hate St. Patrick’s Day.

NI: Herro, Rucky Chalms replechaun! You have pot of gord?

RHYMES: Very funny. Like I haven’t heard that a hundred times today. Sigh…hello, Miguel. Mind if I put on Twitter how hard we’re working out today?

CABRERA: Whatever. Look. I no need you guys here. I lift weights and go home. You can leave, por favor.

RHYMES: Don’t be silly. We’re happy to help. We’ll do anything to help out and make this team!

NI: Yes. No moll clappy hoterrs in Toredo. I want stay in Detloit this yeal.

CABRERA: Fine. Keep it down. I doing serious work.

/loud crash in hallway

CABRERA: ¿Qué fue eso?

NI: Fu? That me, Cablella-san!

CABRERA: No, idiota. What was that noise?

/door flies open
JOEL ZUMAYA: Ooooh…I fell down. Think my arm’s worse, dude.

RHYMES: Hey, Joel.

ZUMAYA: Hey, it’s Wee Man! Oh, my bad, Will.


NI: Herro, Joer. You herping Cablella-san today, too?

ZUMAYA: Sure. If I can’t pitch, I’ll do whatever I can to help. ‘Sup, big man?

CABRERA: Nada. Lifting weights. Surprised to see you.


CABRERA: St. Patrick Day.

ZUMAYA: Motherf-cking Dombrowski told me it was last week!  Stupid sonofa...

/pulls out cell phone

ZUMAYA: Yeah. I need a delivery!

/one hour later
ZUMAYA: Wooooo! St. Patty’s rules!

NI: Firr up my cup again, Joer! I is prastelled!

RHYMES: Me first, dude! I’m the f-cking leprechaun, remember? Haha!

ZUMAYA: Chill! There’s plenty for all of us, man! The strippers will be here any second with another keg, too!

/door flies open
DOMBROWSKI: Oh my! What’s going on here?

ZUMAYA: Double D! Re-do my contract again, sucker! Hahahahah…

/falls down, fractures wrist

ZUMAYA: Oww! Add another 60 days to the DL, I guess!


NI: Domblowski-san! You want beel?

DOMBROWSKI: No! Where the heck is Miguel?

RHYMES: He left twenty minutes ago. Mumbled that he hates us or something. Well, not me. Called me a “pendejo poco”. I think that means I’m awesome. Who wants shots?

NI: Ooh! Ooh! Jagelmeistel, prease! Oll maybe Lumplemintz?

DOMBROWSKI: I should’ve stayed with the Marlins…


allison marie said...

the bat boys at the game on st patrick's day were dressed as leprechauns. I wish I was kidding. I have proof.

Marques723 said...

"The only thing I love more than the Detroit Tigers is making fun of them." Cheers Rogo, again nice work man!