Thursday, March 24, 2011

Feeding the Troll that is T.J. Simers

T.J. Simers must be happier than a pig rolling around in its own excrement. Everyone is talking about him today. His treatment of ex-Tiger Marcus Thames has drawn the ire of columnists all over the country, especially in the Detroit area where Marcus spent so many seasons. Marcus’ old Tiger and Yankee teammate, Curtis Granderson, as well as legendary baseball writer Peter Gammons have defended Thames on Twitter due to Simers’ awful recent piece. People are emailing him and giving him the attention that the shameless whore was trying to get all along by attacking the unsuspecting new Dodger. You can tell he’s happy, too, because he’s already at it again.

Don’t bother clicking on that link. I’ll get to that in a minute. First, I want to urge readers to not email Simers or his boss anymore about this. That is what he wants and angry Detroit-area fans have fed this troll enough the way it is. Controversy creates cash, people. I had never heard of the man before yesterday, but I’ve done some checking up on him since writing the first piece.

The man is a gimmick. He treats players like garbage, tries to goad them into saying something unkind, and then he blasts them for it. He’s been doing it for years on the west coast. From Kobe Bryant to Manny Ramirez, no one has escaped his juvenile nonsense. He has goaded ex-pitcher Kevin Brown into throwing things in the clubhouse. Ex-Bear and Charger quarterback Jim McMahon once blew his nose on Simers after one snide question too many. And if a player in Simers’ sights remains silent like Marcus Thames did, he’ll repeatedly insult them and try and make himself sound like a tough guy.

He’s a bully. Like the big, insecure kid on the playground hassling the quiet kids that can’t defend themselves, TJ Simers stalks his prey at the Dodgers spring camp. He has a forum in the LA Times and he picks on the rich athletes that he is obviously insanely jealous of. He is a joke and a fraud. And much like shock jocks on the radio getting ratings, the controversy he creates leads to page clicks. TJ Simers is the nasty pimple on the ass that American sportswriting is turning into. What else is he going to do at this point in his career?

Oh yeah. That’s another thing I didn’t realize about this sack of piss. He’s a middle aged man, not some punk kid like I had assumed. Here’s a picture of him.
I was in shock. I expected this clown to be some smug prick in his thirties trying to make a name for himself. I was thinking of Jim Rome all those years ago goading Rams quarterback Jim Everett into attacking him for calling him “Chris” over and over. I was picturing a guy that was ambitious and using his smart mouth to get noticed, covering for his lack of actual writing talent. I wasn’t expecting this to be coming from a paunchy, graying, bitter old man that’s obviously gotten to this point in his career by smearing the names of the men he’s paid to cover. What a lucky paper the LA Times is to have such a creature lurking in its halls.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. And I don’t have to ignore his work.

Marcus Thames is way too nice of a man to take Simers’ bait. Thames is too classy to respond to Simers the way this prick wants him to.

Luckily for this blog and its readers, I am not nice. And I am not classy.

The gloves come off after the jump.

I mentioned that he’s at again with Marcus Thames. Here’s his latest...don't worry, it's not as long this time.

MARCUS THAMES, pronounced "Tims/Tems,"

Yes. You are so clever. You didn’t know his name and this is now a running gag. I mean it never gets old! Haha…LOLZ! How dare Marcus not have such an easily identified name like say…T.J.

Say…what does T.J. stand for anyway? Tongue Job? Twat Juice? Taint Jammer? Perhaps Testicle Juggler?

Seriously. The stoner fry cook at Wendy’s is wittier than you, you fucking hack.

ran past me carrying a first baseman's glove. I guess the Dodgers don't want him to hurt himself, so they took away his outfield glove.

Because someone told TJ that Marcus wasn’t a good fielder. He, of course, does not know this as T.J. the Great had apparently never heard of him before the other day. Crack reporting at its finest in LA. Or is it reporting on crack?

For the record, if you believe things like, oh I don’t know, STATS, Marcus has a career defensive WAR of -0.2 for his career. That means he’s about an average left fielder. He’s not a gold glover by any means. But he’s no Manny Ramierez-type abortion out there either.

Why couldn’t Mama Simers have had an abortion?

"Come on and help me out," he says with a laugh.

Poor Marcus. Trying to be friendly to a scum-sucking, piece of monkey shit. Bless him.

He caught the first eight out of 10 ground balls at first, the next 11 straight and I guess the Dodgers will be moving James Loney to left field.

Oh, the wit. Do you think he really sat there counting the ground balls? Do you think this man has a shred of integrity and could believed if he told you the sun were coming up tomorrow? I would pay good money to hear that Marcus cornered him in an alley and sodomized him with a broken broom handle.

"So go ahead and ask me the question you wanted to ask," says Thames, as friendly as his teammates had described him before walking off in a snit a day earlier.

Snit, in this case, meaning that he was shell shocked that a middle-aged man who he had never seen before could be such a condescending douchelick for no apparent reason. Poor, sweet, ignorant Marcus.

"Are you that horrible on defense that teams don't think it's worth playing such a home run threat?"

"No, I'm not that bad of a defensive player," he says, and that wasn't so tough, now was it?

Would it have been “so tough” for you to look up his career defensive numbers, you arrogant parasite?

"When I first got to the big leagues I was labeled a DH," he says, so why would the Dodgers hire a DH?

Are you a child? Thames said he was labeled a DH when he first got to the big leagues. That was in 2002, almost a decade ago. Of course, again that would have required you to do some research for the article you are paid to write. Also, it would require you to actually LISTEN to the answer that the man gave you. Sadly, that would take time away from you listening to yourself babble on like tough guy you are.

I bet if Thames hit him once, his fat head would explode like a melon. What a great day that would be.

"They're not getting a DH," he says. "If I can get out there on a more consistent basis, I can prove myself."

Again. Poor Marcus is trying to reason with and make the peace with the troll that wants war. How can anyone hate Marcus Thames?

Anyone with a soul, that is.

The Dodgers are going to platoon Thames in left field with a cast of rejects because he also has the reputation for not being able to hit right-handed pitchers.

"Certain righties," he says. "I'm a better hitter against right-handers than people think."

True. Again, if you did simple research, you could have figured this out for yourself. But I understand. A man like T.J. Simers is too busy for such things. A man like T.J. Simers must have no interruptions when he’s farting in the bathtub and biting at the bubbles.

Last year against righties, Marcus hit a respectable .268 with 7 homers and 19 RBI in 82 at bats. For his career, he’s hit 68 round trippers in 1011 at bats against right handers. That’s 1 homer every 14.87 at bats. Over, let’s say, 400 at bats in a season, that would translate into 27 home runs. Add in the way he creams left handers, maybe we should have kept him instead of Ryan Raburn. Damn.

He’s not going to hit .300. But he’s going to do some damage.

Now as for running away from the obvious question a day earlier,


Thames says, "I didn't handle it well because I've never been approached the way I was approached. It shocked the hell out of me."

I found it odd that over the last nine years that no one had asked him about his poor defense keeping him from becoming an everyday player.

Yeah, T.J. That’s what shocked him. It had nothing to do with your childish, amateur, unprofessional ambush. Die of AIDS, you cuntflap.

"I heard talk, but no one had ever said it directly to me," he says, understandably thrilled now to have it said to his face rather than behind his back.

I’m sure Marcus will be “thrilled” to see T.J.’s bitter, wrinkled, angry face for the rest of the season. Poor guy. And he must have thought the New York media was terrible.

Just took him 24 hours to be thrilled. That's all.

LOOGIT ME! I got the best of him! Simers: 2, TIMS: 0! Haha!

/watches 60 Minutes

//tells kids to get off lawn

///goes to bed at 8:00pm

Fuck you in the face, Simers. You are not funny. I smiled more at a funeral last week than I did reading your pathetic attempts at getting attention.

You are not edgy. Christ, you make Justin Bieber’s music seem edgy. You come off as sad, bitter, tired, and mean. If that’s what you’re after…congrats. You’re a success and I salute you. With both middle fingers.

Remember when I was trying to figure out what T.J. stood for? I think in a just world, it would stand for “Terminated Job”. You are a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to cover the franchise that has a treasure like Vin Scully calling its games.

Enjoy your fame, Mr. Simers. You’re a household name right now.

Then again, so is garbage. And just like you, it stinks when it gets old.


Dan said...

Sorry Rogo I already emailed the editor yesterday before you call for a lockdown, my bad. I just can't fathom someone liking themselves such as in Mrs. TJ hookers case.

I feel bad for Marcus, I wish the dodgers would come to Comerica park this year and maybe a random citizen could I don't know run over Simers? Better yet the guy that holds the door open for the parking garage, maybe he could slowly run over Simers wind pipe again and again with his wheel chair.

Baroque said...

This is fantastic.

And mainstream media wonders why it is struggling for readership compared to blogs. It's because someone who writes on the internet as a hobby in his or her free time is better than people who are paid to do it.

Simers is a total waste of the oxygen used to power the metabolism of that malignant lump of carbon.