Monday, March 7, 2011

DNR Crashes The Detroit News' Debate

The Detroit News gave Tom Gage and Lynn Henning 10 topics to discuss and debate. WHY WAS I NOT INVITED? Why does no one respect how BRILLIANT and LEVEL-HEADED I am?

This is a ridiculous oversight, I think. Eff it. I’m inviting myself. Let’s get to it. From the News site…

Friends, colleagues, countrymen. Indeed they are, and while Tom Gage and Lynn Henning have covered the Tigers together for years, baseball is about all they agree on — and that only occasionally.

If only they could get their own sitcom. It would be like “The Odd Couple”, except even more boring and white.

Don't get them started on politics, movies or what's the ideal Saturday night with their wives.

Tom’s a democrat, enjoys bondage porn, and prefers to keep the wife pilled up and incoherent in front of the television. Lynn’s a republican, won’t be caught watching anything that isn’t a snuff film, and enjoys putting on a gimp outfit for Mrs. Henning while Pat Boone croons away in the background...

Henning prefers dinner and dancing. Less of a night-lifer, and cheaper, Gage prefers spaghetti and Hockey Night in Canada.

Can’t believe I wasn’t invited to this. Ahem, Rogo likes drinking alone in dive bars and cursing at anyone that doesn’t agree with him while leering at any 21 year old dumb enough to walk past his table at the bar.

This is going to be 10 topics, Lynn — 140 characters or less on each one — like a tweet. That's characters, not inches.

What? Really? Leave the dick jokes to me, guys. Yikes. Have some dignity. We begin after the jump.


1. First up, best player in camp so far? 

Tom: I don't know about best, but Clete Thomas has helped himself as much as anyone.

Rogo: Tom, you’re a moron. Miguel Cabrera is the best. How do you not know that? And f-ck Clete. He has a good arm. Other than that, he’s awful.

Lynn: Here's a surprise: Robbie Weinhardt. That sinker is better than ever, and now he's added a solid slider.

Rogo: Your topic was best player. You both managed to screw it up on the first question. I’m glad I wasn’t invited now.

2. Best pitcher so far?

Tom: Thanks for taking my answer. Weinhardt is making a strong bid for that last spot.

Rogo: Best pitcher…and you go with a guy bidding for the last spot. Sigh, you are making this too hard, Tom.

Lynn: Justin Verlander looks like Denny McLain looked in '68. He's put the whole package together.

Rogo: Of course it’s JV. And did Lynn say Justin looks like a drug trafficker, gambler, and embezzler?

3. How many games will Verlander win?

Tom: I'm saying 21. This could be his first Cy Young Award season

Lynn: I buy that entirely. This is going to be his 20-win season, and if that happens, he and one of the Red Sox pitchers will be 1-2 for the Cy Young.

Rogo: I’m going 18 until he proves he can win in April. And which Sox pitcher, Lynn? Beckett? Lester? Tim Wakefield?

4. Who'll burst upon the scene this year?

Tom: I'll defer to you on that one, Lynn, but this guy Avisail Garcia looks like a future burster.

Lynn: Garcia is a year or so away, but he could shake up Comerica Park in a hurry. He made a throw Thursday that was out of Al Kaline's archives.

Rogo: Neither guy answered. Lynn compared Garcia to an immortal Tiger legend already. F-ck you both. I’ll say Porcello finally makes his mark as a legit starter.

5. Will manager Jim Leyland get a contract extension?

Tom: Yes, no matter what. Well, maybe not "no matter what."

Lynn: Yes, am guessing he gets a two-year deal ahead of Memorial Day.

Rogo: Sadly, he will early in the season. And then the team will lose 20 straight after the all-star break.

6. Will the Tigers make a trade before the end of camp?

Tom: For a relief pitcher who can work three-four innings at a time, yes.

Lynn: That's a good bet. If they get any position help — and this is a long shot — it could still be a speedy, left-fielder who can bat second.

Rogo: Like who? Tom wants Chad Durbin and Lynn wants Johnny Damon back. Doubtful. I say not yet. But I’m dumb.

7. Who will be the flop team in the American League this year?

Tom: I'm saying the Twins. One of these years, they won't play like the Twins. This is that year.

Lynn: Looks to me like the Yankees are going to crash-land in the East. Can't believe how diminished they've become.

Rogo: Twins are still good, Tom. Your logic sucks. I’ll agree on the Yanks…they have no non-CC-pitching and the position starters are getting older.

8. What do you like best about Lakeland?

Tom: I see that high on your pre-spring list you put shopping at Publix. That's going to make the Winn-Dixie people angry.

Lynn: It would make the Kroger people angrier — if they had a store here. I worked at Kroger's during college. Still shop there religiously.

Rogo: That I don’t live there. Lakeland’s a dump. And again, neither of you a-holes answered the question. Is this so hard for you guys to comprehend?

(Also:  Pet Peeve Alert.  It is NOT Kroger's.  It's Kroger.  Just like there is not a Meijer's.  Or K-Marts.  It's Meijer and K-Mart.  F-CKF-CKF-CK!!!)

9. Number of games the Tiger will win? 

Tom: That's very interesting where you worked, zzzz. I'll go with more than 91 but less than 93. That narrows it down.

Lynn: I've got them at a conservative 89. They'll win the division unless some key people go down for the season.

Rogo: 91. It’ll be close. Winning this division with 89 wins will be hard, Lynn. Twins and Sox are good, too.

10. Best baseball movie? You go first, so I can disagree.

Lynn: "Bull Durham," and not even a close second. Susan Sarandon makes me all the sorrier I never spent a day in the minor leagues.

Rogo: I just threw up in my mouth. Eww. Even when she was 30, Sarandon looked 60.

Tom: You're absolutely right, "Bull Durham" isn't even a close second to "The Natural." By the way, I knew you couldn't keep it to 140 characters. 

Rogo: F-ck “The Natural”. “Major League” by a landslide. I hate both of you…

Please invite me next time, guys.  I guarantee that while I'm not an "expert", I will liven up the conversation a bit.

3 comments:

April in the D said...

Once again, hilarious!

Ed Trigertracks said...

Rogo..you are a riot!...lmao...

StealthMuscles said...

Clete and Weinhardt both optioned today. Spot on as always...

And I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thinks Major League is incredibly underrated.