Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Difference Between Don Kelly and Shinola

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It isn’t easy to do this blog. Finding ways to make fun of one baseball team isn’t always simple, despite the massive amount of material they seem to crank out for me to lampoon. Sometimes you get stretches like last week when I had nothing. Two weeks ago, I couldn’t stop writing with all the idiotic Cabrera-bashing going on. This week, it’s better again. It’s hot and cold, I tell you.

Then, sometimes you come across an article by Steve Kornacki at mLive titled “Don Kelly Earns a Roster Spot with Detroit Tigers”.

I wish you all could see my erection right now.

Let’s get to it...the article, you sickos.

LAKELAND, Fla. -- Last year, the final roster spot came down to utility man Don Kelly and outfielder Clete Thomas.

Like deciding between a brain tumor or AIDS.

Coming off a strong 2010 showing,

*.244 batting average
*.272 on base percentage
*.374 slugging percentage
*.646 OPS
*74 OPS+ (100 is average)
*Only 8 walks in 251 plate appearances

If this is your idea of a “strong showing”, I do not want you covering my baseball team anymore because you are a mental patient. That’s like saying Charlie Sheen is making a strong showing in his struggles with his addictions.

/topical humor’d

Like Rick Reilly and sh-t…

Kelly doesn’t have to sweat it this time.

If we have no one to even push Kelly for a spot, we deserve to finish in last.

“Kelly’s a part of it,” Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland said Tuesday. “He’s going to be on this team.”

Excuse me a moment.

/ties noose
//writes note apologizing to family
///hangs self

Kelly was pleased to hear that,

I bet.

Imagine being horrible at your job. Also, your job has statistics that measure how well you do your assigned tasks. The stats say you are way, WAY below average. However, you have the ability to fill in for anyone at your job, from the secretary to the salesman to the tech support. You don’t do any of these jobs well, but you’re the only guy or gal around that knows how to do them all, just in case.

How depressing. Welcome to Don Kelly’s existence in baseball.

but said, “I’m not going to approach anything differently.

Dammit. I was hoping he would actually try to learn to hit.

I have a lot of work to get in to be ready for the season.

“Another carton of Marlboros, extra tar, Mr. Leyland? I’m on it!”

Whether you are on the team or not, you can’t approach it differently than when you are fighting for a job.”

Untrue. Also stupid.

That’s what Spring Training is for, if you’re guaranteed a job. You just try to get in shape, work on new things, and do whatever it takes to be ready for opening day. I doubt Miguel Cabrera is looking over his shoulder at Ryan Strieby, unless Strieby’s chasing him making police siren sounds.

Kelly, 31, spent his first full season in the majors last year and has 865 minor league games to his credit.

Career Numbers: .237/.280/.349, 68 OPS+

I think he has peaked.

He batted .244 with nine home runs and 27 RBIs in 238 at-bats over 119 games.

What a “strong” year. Strong like a 3 month old arm wrestler.

“There’s something to be said for Kelly,” Leyland said.

“He sucks a c-ck like no ballplayer I’ve seen in twenty years.”

“He’s a real valuable guy and a really good fit for our team.

Oh. Sigh. Mine was better.

“He played really well as a defensive replacement. He made some pretty good plays.”

My favorite is still the ball he lost in the Metrodome roof in 2009 costing us an appearance in the playoffs.

/still so bitter

Kelly spent the majority of his time in the three outfield positions, but also played every infield position. And Leyland said he will serve as an emergency catcher this season.

/makes Leyland voodoo doll
//pours gasoline all over it
///figure out the rest

“I love playing center field,” Kelly said,

LOOK OUT, AUSTIN! He’s coming for you!

“but I love bouncing around and playing all the positions.”

Why isn’t this man still bouncing around from minor league team to minor league team? I’m convinced that every year, the Tigers keep one guy around just to make me angry. It’s a bloody conspiracy, I tell you!

Kelly had not hit a homer in 83 major league at-bats before last season. He got his first April 21 off Los Angeles Angels All-Star Jered Weaver, but didn’t really find the long ball stroke until hitting eight in 53 games after the All-Star break.

Pop quiz!

“Don Kelly” is to “long ball stroke” as

A) “Miguel Cabrera” is to “responsible”
B) “Justin Verlander” is to “efficient with pitches”
C) “Will Rhymes” is to “tall”
D) “Brennan Boesch” is to “consistent”
E) All of the above

(Hint: The answer is “E”, asshole.)

“I was being more aggressive on pitches I can handle,” Kelly said. “You can’t miss those pitches in the big leagues.”

Brandon Inge begs to differ.

Whatever. Point is, I know it can be hard to come up with something to write on a regular basis. But, Don Kelly is what he is. Don’t waste everyone’s time trying to tell us otherwise unless you have some actual facts to back it up, Steve.  Geez.

Don Kelly is a utility man, and a bad one at that. Please stop trying to convince me that that a sack of sh-t is a sack of shinola. Luckily, Navin Johnson’s daddy taught me the difference years ago in "The Jerk".

1 comment:

Ed Tigertracks said...

This is one of those moments where this be funnier if it was not so true...Kelly?...ugh....good line with Inge...lol...