Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What Really Happened To Miguel Cabrera

I wasn’t going to do this…but eff it.

So, DNR has received a top secret report from my imagination a reliable source on what really happened last week to Tiger slugger, Miguel Cabrera, in his alleged DUI arrest. I feel it is my duty to share that with you at this time.
(Driving on a highway in Fort Pierce, FL)
MIGUEL CABRERA: What a day. Spent the morning at the dentist. Man, my mouth still hurts and my speech is slurred. Then I anonymously donated a million bucks to those autistic children. Hope they can put it to good use. Saved that kitty-cat from a tree. That little girl was so happy! And I can’t believe I picked up that hitchhiker. Its unbelievable how much he reeked of booze...and then he spilled beer on me! At least he’s safe in the hotel I graciously paid for. Now I’ve just gotta stay awake, make it to Lakeland, and get ready to help win us a World Series. No Josh Hamilton’s going to be better than me this year!

/changes radio station

CABRERA: Hooray! I love Lady Gaga! I want your love and all your love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance! Ohhhhh ohh ohhhhhh oh oh oh oh, caught in a bad romance…

/loud explosion under hood

CABRERA: Oh no. This can’t be happening.

/pulls over as engine smokes.

CABRERA: Man…how can this get any worse?

 /cop car pulls up

CABRERA: Oh, good. The police. I’m sure they can help me. After all, I’m a nice man just trying to get to work. Hello, officer!

/gets out, puts hands up and waves

CABRERA: Hope he sees me! I need help!

/runs in street with hands up

CABRERA: Whoa! Calm down, officer. My car…

COP: I said freeze, ese! You understand English, you Cuban prick?

CABRERA: What? I’m not Cuban. Don’t you know who I am? I’m…

COP: I don’t care of you’re Justin Bieber himself, boy. Shut up and keep your hands high!

CABRERA: But I didn’t do anything…

COP: Quiet! You’re slurring your speech, Pedro. And I can smell the booze from here!

CABRERA: You don’t understand! My mouth, the hitchhiker, ugh. You don’t know anything about my problems! I just need help…

COP: Stay there until my backup gets here, Julio. I know you’ve gotta have weapons on you. All you people do!

CABRERA: My people? What? Don’t you know who I am? I used to play ball in Florida. I’m Miguel Cabrera and I’m on my way…

COP: Quiet, Chico! You’re not fat enough to be Miguel Cabrera, you lying prick! You could’ve at least said Asdrubel…or Melky.

CABRERA: Man, my throat is parched. I need a drink. Maybe he’ll understand me better. Where’s that root beer I packed?

/takes drink

CABRERA: What the? Oh no…

/tears fake label off bottle

CABRERA: No! Who would’ve replaced my root beer with scotch? I gave up alcohol! Great…

/another cop car pulls up

COP: Bout time you got here! He, uhh, pulled a gun and is swigging booze over there!

COP #2: Quiet, illegal! Got some ID?

/takes passport

COP #2: Jose Cabrera, huh?

COP: I knew it! He said he was MIGUEL Cabrera!

CABRERA: I am! I go by Miguel…it’s my middle name. Look at me! Don’t you know who I am?

COP #2: Yeah. You’re a dangerous criminal and a drunk, from the looks of it. We got a call from a concerned citizen that said a man fitting your description was driving a car matching THIS description and that he was reckless and drunk out of his mind! He also said you were probably here illegally.

CABRERA: That’s crazy! Who would say that?

COP #2: Pretty sure his name was Don. Don Kelly.

/cut to Lakeland
DON KELLY: Hahahahahahahaha…first base is mine. The circle is now complete.

/back to Fort Pierce

CABRERA: I am going to f-cking kill him.

COP: Sounds like a threat. Let’s go, Jose. You’re going back WHEREVER you came from!

CABRERA: Please! I didn’t do anything wrong!

/cops begin beating him in leg with billy clubs

CABRERA: Owww! Okay, okay! I can’t believe this is happening.

COP: Should I sprinkle some crack on him?

COP #2: What?  Don't be stupid. Does he look black to you? We only sprinkle the black suspects!

COP:  Sorry...

/two hours later at police station

COP: Time for your mugshot. Hey…I just got a text that we’re going to let you go free! No charges!
CABRERA: Really?

/takes picture

COP: Nope. Dumbass. Hahahahaha…now you really look bad. Make your phone call while we have some fun with this police report.

/phone rings at swank Lakeland hotel


OPERATOR: Collect call from prisoner #53339201, Miguel Cabrera.



Danny Bautista said...

haha this was awesome, pure gold. The picture of lieutenant Dangle killed me.

Chuck said...

The story is all coming together now.....I'm glad we have the top notch reporting at DNR to thank!

Dan said...

People at work are going to think I have mental issues. That was freakin hysterical dude!

Rob Benneian said...

I knew this was all Don Kelly's fault....

Ed Tigertracks said...

Ah...the truth is out!...lmao!

Anonymous said...

It's good, but I think you need to add Fu-Te Ni somehow. Miguer Cablela-son never gets old.

April in the D said...

Knew it.

Anonymous said...

That can't be the whole picture. I'm sure Ozzie fits into this somehow. Maybe he's the one who arranged for the Land Rover to be sabotaged.

Anonymous said...

I blame Jim Joyce!

Julie said...

You're writing keeps getting better and better.

Anonymous said...

screw don kelly and ozzie, I blame this all on Gary Knotts

Anonymous said...

It's the Sheff, getting revenge on Cabrera for not getting Dombrowski to sign him and making him retire!

Anonymous said...

It's the Sheff, getting revenge on Cabrera for not getting Dombrowski to sign him and making him retire!

Julie said...

You're writing keeps getting better and better.