So, DNR has received a top secret report from
(Driving on a highway in Fort Pierce, FL)
/changes radio station
CABRERA: Hooray! I love Lady Gaga! I want your love and all your love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance! Ohhhhh ohh ohhhhhh oh oh oh oh, caught in a bad romance…
/loud explosion under hood
CABRERA: Oh no. This can’t be happening.
/pulls over as engine smokes.
CABRERA: Man…how can this get any worse?
/cop car pulls up
CABRERA: Oh, good. The police. I’m sure they can help me. After all, I’m a nice man just trying to get to work. Hello, officer!
/gets out, puts hands up and waves
CABRERA: Hope he sees me! I need help!
/runs in street with hands up
CABRERA: Whoa! Calm down, officer. My car…
COP: I said freeze, ese! You understand English, you Cuban prick?
CABRERA: What? I’m not Cuban. Don’t you know who I am? I’m…
COP: I don’t care of you’re Justin Bieber himself, boy. Shut up and keep your hands high!
CABRERA: But I didn’t do anything…
COP: Quiet! You’re slurring your speech, Pedro. And I can smell the booze from here!
CABRERA: You don’t understand! My mouth, the hitchhiker, ugh. You don’t know anything about my problems! I just need help…
COP: Stay there until my backup gets here, Julio. I know you’ve gotta have weapons on you. All you people do!
CABRERA: My people? What? Don’t you know who I am? I used to play ball in Florida. I’m Miguel Cabrera and I’m on my way…
COP: Quiet, Chico! You’re not fat enough to be Miguel Cabrera, you lying prick! You could’ve at least said Asdrubel…or Melky.
CABRERA: Man, my throat is parched. I need a drink. Maybe he’ll understand me better. Where’s that root beer I packed?
CABRERA: What the? Oh no…
/tears fake label off bottle
CABRERA: No! Who would’ve replaced my root beer with scotch? I gave up alcohol! Great…
/another cop car pulls up
COP: Bout time you got here! He, uhh, pulled a gun and is swigging booze over there!
COP #2: Jose Cabrera, huh?
COP: I knew it! He said he was MIGUEL Cabrera!
CABRERA: I am! I go by Miguel…it’s my middle name. Look at me! Don’t you know who I am?
COP #2: Yeah. You’re a dangerous criminal and a drunk, from the looks of it. We got a call from a concerned citizen that said a man fitting your description was driving a car matching THIS description and that he was reckless and drunk out of his mind! He also said you were probably here illegally.
CABRERA: That’s crazy! Who would say that?
COP #2: Pretty sure his name was Don. Don Kelly.
/cut to Lakeland
/back to Fort Pierce
CABRERA: I am going to f-cking kill him.
COP: Sounds like a threat. Let’s go, Jose. You’re going back WHEREVER you came from!
CABRERA: Please! I didn’t do anything wrong!
/cops begin beating him in leg with billy clubs
CABRERA: Owww! Okay, okay! I can’t believe this is happening.
COP: Should I sprinkle some crack on him?
COP #2: What? Don't be stupid. Does he look black to you? We only sprinkle the black suspects!
/two hours later at police station
COP: Time for your mugshot. Hey…I just got a text that we’re going to let you go free! No charges!
COP: Nope. Dumbass. Hahahahaha…now you really look bad. Make your phone call while we have some fun with this police report.
/phone rings at swank Lakeland hotel
OPERATOR: Collect call from prisoner #53339201, Miguel Cabrera.