Monday, February 28, 2011

Way-Too-Early AL Central Preview

 Predictions time!

Yeah, these things can change. Surprise releases, injuries, trades, late free agent signings, someone new steps up…all that is possible. But I’m impatient and have nothing better to write about.

So I thought I’d rank each team at each position based on the projected starters. These rankings are based on my uninformed opinion on how I think each guy will perform this season, plus some thought put into recent performances by the players.  Each position's player comes from the depth charts on each team's official web site.

I should also have a goofy points system, too, I guess. We’ll go 10 pts for 1st place, 7 for 2nd, 5 for 3rd, 3 pts for 4th, and 1 point for 5th. Then we’ll add them all up and see how the Tigers stack up against the rest of the AL Central. Make sense? No? I hate you…

We’ll figure it out. Jump with me…

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Final Cabrera-gate Article: Jeff Passan is Awful

Yahoo’s Jeff Passan should be taken outside and shot in the testicles.

I know that I said I was done with Cabrera-gate. Twice now, I think. But I received multiple emails asking me to take Passan to task for his article after Mig’s press conference. I replied to a couple saying I had nothing more to say. I don’t want to keep repeating myself. But then I read it again. And it just pissed me off to no end. You wanted it, kids? You got it.

I’m not the only one, either. Fire Gerald Laird took this same article to task FJM style, too. But FGL’s piece, while a great job, wasn’t hateful enough for my taste.

Bring it, Passan. You f-ck.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Meanwhile...At The Other AL Central Spring Camps

Miguel Cabrera reported to Tiger camp today and addressed the media. He expressed regret over his actions and vowed to try and be a better person. How nice.

But Mig’s going to be fine. We need to keep a lookout on those other dastardly teams in the AL Central. Have any of you been keeping an eye on those bastards? Didn’t think so! Luckily, as usual, Your Party Host has spies everywhere to make sure we know what’s going on the in clubhouses of the enemy. Journey with me as we take a quick peek at what the Twins, Royals, Indians, and White Sox are up to.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What Really Happened To Miguel Cabrera

I wasn’t going to do this…but eff it.

So, DNR has received a top secret report from my imagination a reliable source on what really happened last week to Tiger slugger, Miguel Cabrera, in his alleged DUI arrest. I feel it is my duty to share that with you at this time.
(Driving on a highway in Fort Pierce, FL)
MIGUEL CABRERA: What a day. Spent the morning at the dentist. Man, my mouth still hurts and my speech is slurred. Then I anonymously donated a million bucks to those autistic children. Hope they can put it to good use. Saved that kitty-cat from a tree. That little girl was so happy! And I can’t believe I picked up that hitchhiker. Its unbelievable how much he reeked of booze...and then he spilled beer on me! At least he’s safe in the hotel I graciously paid for. Now I’ve just gotta stay awake, make it to Lakeland, and get ready to help win us a World Series. No Josh Hamilton’s going to be better than me this year!

/changes radio station

CABRERA: Hooray! I love Lady Gaga! I want your love and all your love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance! Ohhhhh ohh ohhhhhh oh oh oh oh, caught in a bad romance…

/loud explosion under hood

CABRERA: Oh no. This can’t be happening.

/pulls over as engine smokes.

CABRERA: Man…how can this get any worse?

2011 Bizarro Tigers By Age

In response to the last piece where I used to get the similar player for the 2011 roster, a reader suggested that I should use the similar player by age instead.

And to that I say:
Uh…okay. That might be cool.

I aim to please. Let’s see if this comes out better for us.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Your 2011 Bizarro Tigers Team?

So, I took a break from self-loathing and internet porn to screw around at for a while. It’s a really fun site to mess around on if you’re a baseball nerd like Your Party Host is. In fact, if you go to Clete Thomas’ page, you’ll see that it’s sponsored by DNR. That’s Jen Cosey from Old English D’s weak attempt at humor. She’s a gas, I tell you…

/rolls eyes

//shakes head

///listens to crickets chirp

Anyway, since I’m exhausted over the whole Cabrera-gate situation and was looking for something else to post, check this out.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Catfight: Scott Sizemore vs Will Rhymes

With Carlos Guillen nursing his sprained fingernail (or whatever), the battle to be the Tigers opening day second baseman will be decided this spring. This has been described as a three-way race between last year’s opening day starter, Scott Sizemore, late season surprise Will Rhymes, and defensive specialist Danny Worth. Danny Worth is terrible, so we’ll do what any intelligent person would do and leave him out of the discussion and focus on the other two.

Sizemore has more power and experts project him having a better upside, despite his injury problems slowing him down so far. Rhymes hit .300 in his limited time in the show and has won over a surprising amount of the Tiger faithful, despite his limited power and much smaller upside (no pun intended).

How can one logically decide who the better man is? Elementary, my dear reader. Through a Catfight.

Ten categories. Sizemore vs. Rhymes head-to-head. Who will come out on top?

Follow a brother after the jump to find out.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Cabrera-gate: Drew Sharp, The Last Scavenger

I know I said I was done with Cabrera-gate, but I forgot about one guy that was bound to get into the action. His name is Drew Sharp and he is a gigantic tool.

Will Drew have the balls to take a realistic view of this situation? Or will he fall in line with the rest of the sheep and speak without knowing what he’s talking about?

Follow the jump to find out.

Friday, February 18, 2011

More Cabrera-gate: Sharks Smelling Blood

First off, it’s not all bad out there. Props to Brian Packey at SB Nation and Kurt Mensching at BYB for their sensible, well written thoughts on the Miguel Cabrera situation.

Also, my hat is off to my fellow bloggers today.  99% of the pieces I've seen written by members of the Tigersphere have been accurate and fair without jumping to conclusions.  One of you, that I'm not going to mention, needs to get some facts straight before you post them, though.  You get a pass this time.  But consider yourself on notice.  Ha.

Again, my initial piece is here. My first reaction bit to the ridiculous media is here.

Also before beginning, I’d like to shake Jim Leyland’s hand for this comment:

“It has no effect. It might make some dramatic reading material. It’s not going to do sh-t. Believe me. Nothing.”

Jim, we’ve had our differences in the past. But bravo, good sir.

Onto the idiotic articles.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Cabrera-gate: Attacking the Vultures

First off, I cannot thank you all enough for your early responses to my initial piece on Miguel Cabrera. If you haven’t read that yet, please do so before proceeding with this one. It’s sad when me, of all people, is being called the “mature” one. How pathetic has media become when that happens?

But I’m done being mature. Now I’m getting pissed.

A Personal Look at Miguel Cabrera's DUI Arrest

NOTE TO LOYAL READERS: Judging by my email inbox, comments left on the site, text messages I’ve received, and my reputation as a jerk, many of you are probably expecting me to make fun of Miguel Cabrera and his current situation. I’m sorry to report that this isn’t the case right now. I just can’t find humor in today’s news, I’m sorry. Read on to find out why. Otherwise, come back this weekend when DesigNate Robertson will resume its normal duties of making fun of Detroit Tigers baseball in the profane, immature way that you all know and love. Thank you.

I was just about ready to leave the house this morning for work when I received the following text message from my friend Derek:

FWD: ESPN MLB – Tigers 1B Miguel Cabrera arrested Wednesday on charges of DUI, resisting an officer without violence.

Like many of you, I’m sure, my first reaction was, “F-------------------ck!”

Since then, I’ve read the reports of what happened and have been waiting for the entire story to come out. Worse, I’ve read the reactions of many online and it’s making me sick. “Trade that idiot!” “He’s an alcoholic!” “Our season’s ruined!”

Two words for those of you jumping the gun with all this nonsense. F-CK and YOU.

I’m a firm believer that you can’t seriously judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes.

Well, I’ve walked that mile. Twice.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Your Guide To DesigNate Robertson

Well, with the combination of spring training starting and recent plugs from larger sites like MLB Trade Rumors and Bless You Boys (thanks, guys), there’s been a lot of new readers to this silly blog. I’ve received several responses and emails from these people, most of which are positive, but there are still many that just aren’t quite sure to make of DesigNate Robertson. That’s the purpose of this little post.

For those of you that have been reading me for a while, as always, I’m grateful for you stopping by and “getting” me and what I’m doing. You guys rule.

For those of you that DON’T know me, well, let me introduce myself. My name is Scott, aka Rogo, aka Your Party Host and I’ll be your demented tour guide for this ridiculous little blog. Let’s try to explain what you’re looking at, shall we?  Jump with me to continue...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Lynn Henning Has Guzzled Dombrowski's Kool Aid

This offseason, one of the things Your Party Host has been begging for is a quality bat to be acquired to come off the bench. Marcus Thames is the name I had in mind as none of the terrible-hitting clones from Dave Dombrowski’s “generic white guy” machine (Clete, Kelly, Casper, Rhymes, Worth, etc) is a guy I feel comfortable pinch-hitting or stepping up in case someone gets hurt. Instead, we have the same group of light-hitting “nice guys” that you all love so much.

Lynn Henning loves them, too. Ladies and germs, I present this gem from the Detroit News site.  Please follow me after the jump.

2011 Tiger Staff Appears to Have More Questions Than Answers

I hate to keep bringing up Lynn Henning’s name lately, but as the most prominent Tiger columnist around, it’s inevitable. In what seams like every story he writes lately, he keeps saying how great the Tiger pitching staff appears to be heading into the 2011 campaign. And as much as I want to believe that and would be willing to strangle a litter of kittens for it to be true, the fact remains that most of this staff has more question marks than exclamation points, in Your Party Host’s opinion.

Take a journey with me through Rick Knapp’s cupboard and I hope you’ll see what I mean.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Top 10 Things For Tiger Fans To Look Forward To In 2011

This picture was taken outside of my front door early Saturday evening. As I took it, I couldn’t help but smile and think to myself, “Man…Mother Nature sure is a filthy, evil whore sometimes.”

But alas, the end of the miserable existence that is winter in the Midwest is almost over. Pitchers and catchers report to Lakeland in a week. It’s our first glimmer of hope that the baseball season is near. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the idiotic babbling of Lynn Henning and Jamie Samuelsen…it’s all just around the corner. And though Your Party Host tends to focus on the negative stuff at DNR for comedic purposes, I can’t help but think positive thoughts as we near the 2011 season.

After the jump, here are the top ten things I’m most looking forward to this year in Detroit, in no particular order.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My 2011 Dream Season

Happy Black History Month, party people! With all due respect to the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, I also have a dream. It is called my Dream Season. And here it is.

March 31-Tigers crush the Yankees 22-0 on Opening Day in New York on ESPN. The Worldwide Leader is left in a such a state of shock and despair, the first ten minutes of Sportscenter is nothing but an uncomfortable silence between whichever two idiotic talking heads are hosting that evening.

April 1-Defensive replacement Don Kelly is struck by lightning in the 8th inning of the Tigers/Yankees game. Kelly misses the entirety of the season and is replaced on the roster by outfielder Timo Perez.

April 3-Rick Porcello hits Derek Jeter in the face with a pitch. Jeter loses an eye and is quickly replaced by Curtis Granderson as the face of the Yankees organization. No one wants a pirate as the face of the franchise. Jeter quietly retires, boards an ocean liner with Brett Favre, and neither is ever heard from again.

April 7-Tigers drop a heartbreaker to Baltimore, 2-1. However, Luke Scott goes 0-12 in the three game series proving that this could, in fact, be a miracle season in the making.

April 8-Opening Day in Detroit. Out of nowhere, it is 75 degrees and sunny. Max Scherzer throws a perfect game against Kansas City with Jim Joyce as the home plate umpire. They immediately begin writing a book about the game.

April 14-I find someone dumb enough to pay me to write this crap and can quit my job and live above the poverty level for once in my rotten life.

April 15-Joe Mauer diagnosed with sideburn cancer and forced to retire.

April 22-Brad Penny beats the White Sox to go 4-0 with a 0.00 ERA to start the season. AJ Pierzynski strikes out in all four of his plate appearances. He is then released by Chicago after the game and gets hit by a train shortly afterwards.

April 27-In a battle of the lefties, Phil Coke out-duels Nate Robertson as the Tigers top Seattle 42-1 at Comerica Park. Nate’s line: 0.2 IP, 38 ER, 32 H, 7 BB, 0 K. When asked after the game why Robertson was left in the game so long, Mariners manager Daren Brown shrugs and then laughs for ten minutes.

Jump breaks...even in my dreams...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Offseason Sucks

Wow.  It's been a week since I've posted anything.  You know why?  Because nothing is going on.  January/February sucks donkey schlong when you're a baseball fan.

I'm working on something that should be done in a couple days that should make you chuckle.  It would be done sooner, but between work and sitting in the dark listening to emo music, I haven't had much time to work on it.  So, until then, here's some silly pictures of tigers.

Ha...couldn't resist.  God bless google search...