Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Secret Manager Search: Volume 3

 Detroit Tigers Headquarters, Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Happy New Year, Mr. I. Glad to be back in the office. I trust you had a good New Years?
 MIKE ILITCH: Indeed. Marion and I had a couple hundred of our closest friends over for champagne and baby seal eye pizza. It was delightful. I’m surprised you didn’t attend.

DOMBROWSKI: I wasn’t invited, sir.

ILITCH: Of course not, Dan. You’re the help. If I could find your Venezuelan equivalent, he would have taken your job months ago. I was kidding.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s Dave, sir.

ILITCH: Whatever. On to business. Has the man arrived that I requested you set up an interview with?

DOMBROWSKI: Um, he has. But I have to ask you…are you serious? You can’t possibly be considering replacing Jim Leyland with this…

ILITCH: I know what I’m doing. People said I was crazy by opening a pizza franchise using only rat meat and the cheese from diseased goats. People said I was crazy when I kept Randy Smith employed for so long.

DOMBROWSKI: I’ve been meaning to ask you about that…

ILITCH: The man gave a hellova massage, my friend. A hellova massage. Point is, I know what I’m doing. Send him in!

/door flies open

 RICH RODRIGUEZ: Hello. Pleased to meet you. I was delighted and surprised to receive your call, and I’m really…

ILITCH: Okay, that’s enough.

/pulls out shotgun

/shoots Rodriguez in the face


ILITCH: Yep. That should’ve been done a couple years ago. My bad. Oh, and there seems to be blood spatter on your colorful sweater there.


ILITCH: Sigh. Call the janitor to clean this sh-t up. And give Randy Smith a call. Daddy’s feeling tense…

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