Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Your 2010 Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

You are all mindless little cash registers to the Detroit Tigers.

Well, realistically, Major League Baseball, but I have to put some blame on our beloved Tiger franchise.  Don’t believe me? Spend some time on in the official online Tigers shop. Good lord, there’s a lot of overpriced, useless crap on there. I would love to meet some of the people that buy this stuff and beat them to death with a bag full of nickels.

Here’s a few things that made me chuckle in this year’s DNR Holiday Shopping Guide. I’ve included the items, the Tiger Shop price, and what they should reasonably be priced at, in my opinion. As always, keep in mind that I’m an idiot.

Game Used Second Base
Tiger Shop Price: $199.99
Reasonable Price: $99.99

There is no shortage of game used merchandise on the site available for you to buy. From grossly overpriced baseballs to supposedly used batting gloves, the Tigers have cleaned out the dumpster of Comerica Park to pry your hard earned money from you to help pay the remaining years of Gary Sheffield’s deferred payments. I chose this piece because you are all in love with Will Rhymes and you might be lucky enough to find his tiny, elf-sized footprint on the base you purchase. Good luck!

Youth Personalized Will Rhymes T-Shirt
Tiger Shop Price: $31.99
Reasonable Price: $9.99

While I’m picking on Tinkerbell, here’s a youth small sized Rhymes jersey t-shirt. Believe it or not, youth small is Will’s actual size. He outgrew toddler clothing when he was playing in Erie. They grow up so fast…

Many more after the jump.



Wool Champions Leather Jacket
Tiger Shop Price: $249.99
Reasonable Price: $79.99

That is one ugly looking jacket. But check out the douchebag they have modeling it! Holy Fabio! Ladies, never say Your Party Host doesn’t bring the occasional eye candy out for you! Moving along…

Logo Bandz
Tiger Shop Price: $9.99
Reasonable Price: $1.99

These are the stupidest things on the planet. My six year old loves them for some reason, though, and it took everything in me to not crush his little skull with a hammer when he started whining that he wanted these exact same “bandz” when we came across them at the local grocery store. See?
Lucky for me, they were three packs for $10 bucks there. The Tiger Shop people have no souls.

Coasters With Comerica Park Dirt Inside
Tiger Shop Price: $39.99
Reasonable Price: $9.99

Come on, people. Forty bucks for dirt? If this interests you, go inside your closet and hang yourself with a belt.

“Not on the coffee table, Jethro! Put your Busch Light on this coaster…I think Don Kelly spit on this dirt once. Yep.”

Unused Justin Verlander No-Hitter Game Ticket
Tiger Shop Price: $49.99
Reasonable Price: Nothing

Do you know any assholes that claim to be at events that they weren’t really at? Oh, I want to run these people through a wood chipper while whistling “Oh Holy Night” to myself. This is catered to those people and it annoys me to no end. Also, Nate Robertson is pictured on the ticket. That immediately should lower the value of any object by two thousand dollars, so asking $50 for a worthless ticket is mind boggling to me.

Woman’s Personalized Brandon Inge Replica Jersey, Size XXL
Tiger Shop Price: $89.99
Reasonable Price: Shoot Yourself

Sadly, XXL is the biggest female sized Inge jersey available. Judging by the “Inge girls” I saw at Comerica this year, that’s going to be cutting it close.

Tiger Stadium Box Seat
Tiger Shop Price: $399.99
Reasonable Price: I dunno…$20?

Save your “it’s a piece of history” nonsense. It’s a crappy, uncomfortable chair from a crappy, uncomfortable old ballpark. Imagine the number of beer farts this thing captured over the years from Detroit’s finest. Look. I admit to having a soft spot in my black, little heart for Tiger Stadium, but I wouldn’t want this if someone gave it to me for free.

My boss is a Bulls fan and proudly shows off a brick he has from the old Chicago Stadium that he paid something like $20 for. I just want to beat him to death with it whenever he pulls that thing out…and I’m a Bulls fan! Place is gone, man…move on with your life.

Detroit Tigers Scrabble
Tiger Shop Price: $34.99
Reasonable Price: $9.99

Take a board game, put an Old English D on it, and triple the price. Eat me, Tigers. BTW, if you’re looking for a gift for Jen Cosey to thank her for her tireless(?) work, get her this. Lady is obsessed with Scrabble. So annoying. I am kind of curious how many points you get for a triple word score with "Walewander", though…

Autographed Zach Miner Rookie Card
Tiger Shop Price: $49.99
Reasonable Price: $1.00

Kiss my ass. Zach Miner? Good lord…if I was a kid and my parents gave me this for Christmas, I would call a lawyer and immediately file a motion to be emancipated from them. Then I would burn the house down while they were sleeping. Zach Miner? At least attempt to try, people.

Glass Tiger Baseball
Tiger Shop Price: $699.99
Reasonable Price: No clue…it’s stupid.

Hey! Let’s make a baseball out of glass!

/hits crack pipe

Yeah, that’s a great idea! I bet people would pay $700 for one of those!

/eats ten vicodins

Now let’s trade for Jarrod Washburn! Woo hoo…

Ugly Tiger Hats
Tiger Shop Price (in order): $22.99, $24.99, $19.97 (on sale!)
Reasonable Price: Ugh…five bucks each?

I hate ugly hats. These are the worst ones I could find in this year’s selection. If you wear these, you are telling people that you are either a drug dealer or a date rapist. Perhaps both. Just avoid them at all costs.

Please, folks. Care enough about your friends and family to not give them any of this junk for the holidays this year. The would is ugly enough, don’t you think?

Have a happy and safe holiday from all of us me at DesigNate Robertson. See you soon.

3 comments:

Dan said...

LOL Dude you continue to put the funniest posts on the net out there in regards to the Tigers and the daily sagas. I'd rate this one up there with that link you gave a few months back for the Jets with coach ryan going off.

Kimberly said...

This post cracked me up. I wonder if that means I'm a grinch. Either way, Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Anonymous said...

I'll sell someone my USED Verlander no-hitter ticket for $20. Condition: Fine, several wallet folds however.