Sunday, December 5, 2010

Old People Hate Everything...Especially Change


This isn’t on the Tigers, but it is taken from the Detroit News site. I hate old white people. Jerry Green is very old. And very white. And he hates Bud Selig and changes to his “pure” sport. Prepare yourself to be muttered incoherently at.

Baseball’s purity stained thanks to Bud Selig

My dad loved baseball as a boy.

How unique.  So did my dad.  So did everyone's dad.  Nowadays, my dad loves getting drunk and telling me that I'm a f-cking loser.  I look forward to doing the same to my son one day.

When I was a kid, he told me about how he played hooky one day to watch a playoff game the year the Giants and the Cubs tied for the pennant. 

He was about 13 at the time -- it was 1908 -- and he found a vantage point amid the boulders of Coogans Bluff. From there he could peer into the Polo Grounds in upper Manhattan.

Your dad was 13 in 1908? That means…

/does math

Holy sh-t…you really are old.

Next he babbles on and on about old times and players that were probably dead 20 years before you were born. Instead of boring you with that, I give you this. It’s basically the same thing…

Anyway, about my washtub...I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball." 

There was none of this nonsensical wild-card stuff back then. It would be nearly another century before commissioner Bud Selig could contaminate the game with such impurities.

Yes. The wild card has contaminated the game of baseball. I f-cking hate old people. The wild card has given us four World Series champions: ’97 Marlins, ’02 Angels, ’03 Marlins, ’04 Red Sox. That 2004 postseason was the greatest the sport has seen perhaps ever. Even Bob Costas has said that he was wrong about the wildcard being bad for the game.

And without the Wild Card, baseball in Detroit wouldn’t have been reborn in 2006. I wouldn’t have been in the third row to witness Magglio taking Street deep and experiencing the greatest moment of my life as a sports fan. Stupid wildcard.

We continue after the jump...




Listening to my dad's story about baseball piqued my interest in the sport. And from age 8 onward, I, like my father, have loved baseball.

Then why do I feel like you’re going to start bitching about how you hate baseball?

I love it so much that it annoys me to observe the changes that have been made to what I continue to regard as America's sport.

You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run out of the house with a big washtub and--Where are you going?

Once baseball was a game of passion and purity, a game of tradition and history.

It was? The passion and purity of making sure minorities couldn’t play the game? When the top athletes were all drunks, gamblers, and racists? Quit glorifying the “good old days”. This is why baseball is losing popularity. Despite the small changes that you claim are ruining the sport, it’s still looked at as the sport of old white men. Baseball is the opposite of football, the most popular sport, which embraces change and thrives because of it.

I know you’re old, but grow up, man.

It was the game of Babe Ruth

A drunk that cheated on his wife so much that Tiger Woods would say, “slow down, dude.”

and Cobb,

The most horrible man who ever lived not named Hitler. Hell of a hitter, though...Cobb, I mean.

of Mathewson and Walter Johnson, of Tris Speaker and Rogers Hornsby.

Who faced the same hitters and pitchers all the time. And they were all white. And all of these guys were underpaid and slaves to their owners. I bet you anything they’d all prefer to been playing in today’s game. Except that all of them are dead…like you will be soon.

And later the game of Ted Williams and Bob Feller, and Joe DiMaggio and Hank Greenberg; Mickey Mantle, Al Kaline, Jackie Robinson, Sandy Koufax, Henry Aaron.

All honorable men, I’m sure. Unlike the ruffians of today’s game. I hear they even let Mexicans play nowadays. Oh, the humanity!

Congrats on finally mentioning a couple black guys, though. Didn’t think you’d be able to. You could’ve thrown Clemente a bone, though.

All of them part of the tradition of Major League Baseball, essential to its purity.

Purity. God dammit. Here is your “pure” game, as far as I can see it.

Leadoff infield single. Next guy bunts him to second. Runner slides with spikes up into shortstop. One down. Next guy bunts him to third. Two down. Time out as catcher punches a fan and spits on a minority. Next guy pops out to end the inning.

/old white men stand and cheer…possibly break hip while standing

My father's baseball and my baseball consisted of two eight-team leagues competing in races for two pennants. Then the winners -- only the two winners -- met in the World Series.

What a time it was. Women couldn’t vote. The coloreds knew their place. The “talkies” only costed a nickel to go see and penny candy was just a penny! The gall to charge me two bits nowadays for a piece of taffy!

It was history.

No, it was just the way is used to be. Everything evolves and changes over time. Everything new is not necessarily bad. Seriously, folks, I’m scared. As a white guy, I’m terrified that this is going to happen to me one day.

Now the sport's modern history has become:

*A World Series that was never played; canceled, the non-climax to a regular season left unfinished, scrubbed by a commissioner's decision.

In 1904, during your GLORY YEARS, the World Series was cancelled when the New York Giants owner refused to play Boston. And to put blame one the cancellation of the ’94 World Series solely on Selig is ridiculous.

*An All-Star Game that was not won nor lost. A commissioner declaring the All-Star Game a tie between the National and American Leagues.

Oh noes! Who the f-ck cares about the All-Star Game? Well, no one did until Selig made it mean something after the tie game.  Was baseball really that much better when Pete Rose tried to kill Ray Fosse in a meaningless game?

Again, to the NFL, the nations undisputed #1 sport, the Pro Bowl is only watched by three drunk guys in New Jersey and Ron Jaworski. That’s it.

*One Major League franchise blithely jumping from the American League to the National League. The Milwaukee Brewers, a parody of a serving commissioner, orchestrating the switch by the club of which his family was the actual owner. A classic example of a conflict of interest. 

Yes. The Brewers have won every NL pennant since the switch. Brilliant move. Wait, this did not happen. This move has not affected baseball in any way.

*A glorified home-run battle designed to restore baseball's popularity enacted by two juiced-up sluggers.

No one in baseball before 1995 ever touched illegal drugs. Look it up. My dad told me.

*Other home-run records by another juiced-up slugger -- a commissioner so futile he could not get agreement from the Players Association for steroids testing.

MLB currently has the toughest drug testing of any major sport. You will not read that in this article.

*Separate rules -- key rule differences -- a designated hitter in the American League, pitchers batting in the National League. 

I like the DH. Some don’t. Some people like Coke. Others like Pepsi. Tom-ay-to. Tom-ah-to. Some think old white men are interesting to listen to. I think everyone over the age of 75 should be shot in the temple by the president. Or Bud Selig.

*Postseason playoffs that include teams that are not required to win -- those so-called wild card teams -- the best of the second-place teams in each league -- mixed among the first-place winners. Wild cards: Translation, first losers.

Did you know that the 2006 Tigers did not win ONE game during the season and still SOMEHOW won the Wild Card? What is this Selig monster’s deal?

*Seasons that opens in March with World Series that end in November.

If you love baseball so much, you’d think you’d want to see it stretch out longer. Just saying.

All of the above remain impurities to this lifelong baseball purist.

Indeed. Bring back the gambling. Bring back the severe alcoholism, racism, and fights in the stands. Bring back the pot bellies, greenies, and the old baseball mitts that were as thin as paper. And batting helmets are for pussies.

And all of them have occurred or have been condoned during the commissionership of Bud Selig. The same Bud Selig, once owner of the Milwaukee Brewers -- the franchise that switched leagues.

Seriously, who in the blue hell cares that the Brewers switched leagues?  They're not the first team in history to do so.  Jeez...nothing bad ever happened before Bud Selig became commish! Selig is a witch! Burn him!

Selig's excuse for all these impurities is simple. His job is to serve the best interests of baseball. The best interest of Major League Baseball is to operate as a cash cow. Selig champions the dollar sign. He has boasted, recently, that the revenue of Major League Baseball this past season hit $7 billion.

He should try to lose money like the NHL probably does. That would be better. Sigh.

Actually, it sounds like he’s doing a hellova job. Good job, Bud.

And now it is Selig's scheme to enlarge the most egregious of his baseball impurities. It is his plan to double from two to four the number of wildcard qualifiers for the playoffs leading to the two pennants for the World Series.

How many teams would that let in? My little mind can’t figure it out…

That would be two wildcard teams in each league.

Phew. Thanks.

Now the best of the first and second losers.

Boo! More excitement for fans other than the Yankees! That’s not pure baseball!

Theoretically, in this brainstorm of Selig's, a team that finished third in its division during the regular 162-game could wind up as champion of the World Series.

Baseball was so much more interesting when most of the teams were eliminated from the playoffs by August, wasn’t it?

Ya know, I’m praying that this happens. I want hundreds of white-haired “purists” to have a heart attack at the same time. I’m getting an erection just thinking about it…sorry.

It is a dangerous plan, as viewed by this baseball purist.

Jeebus. Dangerous? Calm down, gramps.  Take your pills.  It’s Bud’s way to try to improve a sport losing popularity with America’s youth. Kids today, especially minorities, are more and more attracted to football and basketball. For baseball’s future, something needs to be done to attract the kids back to the game in a world where attention spans are shorter than any time in history. You bitch and bitch, but can you come up with a better idea? Other than eliminate all players not named “Eckstein” and go back to the days before electricity?

And the danger is that Selig seems to have enough support to drum it through baseball's ownership during the annual Winter Meetings this coming week in Florida. 

So the majority of people that own teams like the idea. It must be bad.

It looks like a deal for 2012, at least, once Selig manages to get the Players Association to rubberstamp it during next year's labor negotiations.

Hey, the players like it, too. And the fans of the extra teams would like it more. Sounds like a good idea, I guess. Unless you’re 80+.

"When I instituted the wildcard it was controversial," Selig said as quoted by the Wall State Journal last year. 

"Some were saying, 'He's going to ruin baseball.' But what a great history."

Balderdash!

Poppycock!

Rubbish!

Malarkey!

Selig has served as either commissioner pro tem or actual commissioner since 1992. His latest extended contract -- worth above $18 million per year, according to Sports Business Journal -- is due to expire in 2012.

"Merkle's Boner" remains part of baseball's ancient history. Selig's mistakes have ruined the purity of baseball forever.

Via his Wikipedia page, Bud Selig helped introduce the following changes to Major League Baseball:

• Realignment of teams into three divisions per league, and the introduction of playoff wild card teams (1994)
• Interleague play (1997)
• Two additional franchises: the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (1998)
• Transfer of the Milwaukee Brewers from the American League to the National League (1998)
• Abolition of the National and American League offices and presidencies, and inclusion of all umpiring crews into a common pool for AL and NL games, instead of having separate pools per league
• Home field advantage in the World Series granted to the winner of the All Star Game in the same season (2003)
• Transfer of Montreal Expos franchise to Washington, D.C., becoming the Washington Nationals (2004)
• Dedicating April 15 as Jackie Robinson Day (2004)
• Stricter Major League Baseball performance-enhancing drug testing policy (2005)
• World Baseball Classic (2006)
• Introduction of instant replay in the event of a disputed home run call (2008)

During Selig's terms as Executive Council Chairman (from 1992–1998) and Commissioner, new stadiums have opened in Arizona, Atlanta, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Colorado, Detroit, Houston, Milwaukee, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Arlington, St. Louis, Washington, D.C., Queens, The Bronx and Minneapolis, with a ballpark in Miami coming in future years.

Take your purity and shove it up your wrinkled ass.  Selig's gotten a lot done.  And all everyone does is crap all over him.

It was his well-used quote, relayed in an article on realsports.com, that summarizes Selig's legacy as commissioner of Major League Baseball: 

"By the time I leave you won't recognize the sport."

Thank goodness for Bud Selig.

Baseball is not perfect. Neither is Bud Selig. But if baseball was still played the way it was in 1910, no one would be watching. Except for the few fossils that were still alive back then. People that talk like this…

One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…

Yup.

I say thank you, Bud Selig. Someone has to.

3 comments:

Big Al Beaton said...

Best be careful, Rogo. Jerry Green may come after you! He doesn't like we bloggers.

I once posted that all Jerry Green wrote about is dead people. He emailed me personally just to call me an idiot.

It's one of my proudest moments as a blogger!

Dan said...

Balderdash! Poppycock, dude that stuff is comedy gold I almost fell out of my chair!

Greg Eno said...

All I will say is this: the AL East race between the Yankees and the Rays SHOULD have been one of the best in recent years, but it was rendered absolutely moot.

Why? Because of the f***ing Wild Card.

No drama. Both teams were going to the playoffs, no matter what.

THAT'S why the Wild Card can kiss my ass.

I don't care that the Tigers made it in 2006. They shouldn't have, for going 19-31 down the stretch.

They backed into the playoffs and you should know that.

I don't care that they made it into the WS.

They shouldn't have been there.