Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Picking Favorites

Good lord, she's hot.  And no, there's no particular reason for her picture here.

First off, RIP Bill LaJoie. Thanks for 1984.

After that…wow. Could this off-season be any more boring right now? Nothing much going on with the team. The Freep hasn’t written anything horrible for me to make fun of. Gerald Laird isn’t around anymore to get into fights at basketball games.

So, for my last post of 2010, I’m going to go through the Tigers current 40 Man Roster and rank them in my order of preference. I haven’t done this since May 21st, so it might be interesting to see what kind of changes have been made to the team and my bandwagoning of certain players.

Or not. But eat me, I’m out of ideas again until the New Year. So here you go. Your Detroit Tigers listed in order of my preference and where they ranked last time. “NR” stands for “not ranked” if you weren’t able to figure that out on your own. Dummy.

So, click for further brilliant insight, okay?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

THE TEAM: The Christmas Album

(Fade in to a cheesy set where you see two men in ugly holiday sweaters. One is hanging stockings in front of a fireplace while the other is putting ornaments onto a Christmas tree. The first man turns to the camera.)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Let me be the first to wish you a very Merry Christmas this fine holiday season! I’m David Dombrowski, President, CEO, and General Manager of the Detroit Tigers. And I think you all know my co-host here.
BRANDON INGE: Hey there, everybody! Brandon Inge, one-time All-Star third baseman here! Gosh, it’s wonderful to see you. And boy, do we have a swell treat for everyone today. Right Mister D?

DOMBROWSKI: That’s right, Brandon. Today, we’re here to tell everyone about the release of our own Christmas album, “A Very Tiger Christmas”, where you will hear all of your favorite Christmas carols sung by your favorite Detroit Tiger players!

INGE: That’s amazing, Mister D!

DOMBROWSKI: Oh, I know. What Tiger fan wouldn’t burst with joy when they find this wonderful collection in their stocking Christmas morning?

INGE: I know I would!

DOMBROWSKI: Me, too, Brandon.

/both laugh for 30 seconds

(contunued after the jump)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Your 2010 Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

You are all mindless little cash registers to the Detroit Tigers.

Well, realistically, Major League Baseball, but I have to put some blame on our beloved Tiger franchise.  Don’t believe me? Spend some time on in the official online Tigers shop. Good lord, there’s a lot of overpriced, useless crap on there. I would love to meet some of the people that buy this stuff and beat them to death with a bag full of nickels.

Here’s a few things that made me chuckle in this year’s DNR Holiday Shopping Guide. I’ve included the items, the Tiger Shop price, and what they should reasonably be priced at, in my opinion. As always, keep in mind that I’m an idiot.

Game Used Second Base
Tiger Shop Price: $199.99
Reasonable Price: $99.99

There is no shortage of game used merchandise on the site available for you to buy. From grossly overpriced baseballs to supposedly used batting gloves, the Tigers have cleaned out the dumpster of Comerica Park to pry your hard earned money from you to help pay the remaining years of Gary Sheffield’s deferred payments. I chose this piece because you are all in love with Will Rhymes and you might be lucky enough to find his tiny, elf-sized footprint on the base you purchase. Good luck!

Youth Personalized Will Rhymes T-Shirt
Tiger Shop Price: $31.99
Reasonable Price: $9.99

While I’m picking on Tinkerbell, here’s a youth small sized Rhymes jersey t-shirt. Believe it or not, youth small is Will’s actual size. He outgrew toddler clothing when he was playing in Erie. They grow up so fast…

Many more after the jump.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Tiger Droppings: Viva Team Venezuela Edition

Hey, party people. Hope your holiday season is going well. As for me, I consider this time of year the worst. It’s f-cking freezing outside. Traffic’s worse than normal. Any money I’ve managed to save up during the year is being spent on crap that people won’t appreciate. (I’m looking at you six-year old son!)  Seriously…Christmastime is the devil’s afterbirth.

/going to hell

Sorry I haven’t been around. So busy in Rogoland. But I’m not going to bore you with that. We’ve got a lot to cover in this edition of the Droppings. I’ll bore you with that, instead. Let’s quit wasting time.

There Are Now Officially More Venezuelans Working in Detroit Than Americans

He’s back.
"Whaddya mean only one year?"
My favorite Detroit Tiger ever (not named Higgy, Tram, or Gibby), Magglio Ordonez, re-signed with the team for one year, $10 million. Thank Allah for that one, otherwise we’d have been stuck with the enigma known as Brennan Boesch, or maybe Jose Guillen, in right field this year. Scary thought.

This sets up the 2011 Tiger lineup as follows:

1.  Austin Jackson, CF
2.  Sizemore/Guillen/Tinkerbell, 2B
3.  Magglio Ordonez, RF
4.  Miguel Cabrera, 1B
5.  Victor Martinez, DH
6.  Ryan Raburn/Boesch, LF
7.  Jhonny Peralta, SS
8.  Brandon Inge, 3B
9.  Alex Avila, C

Not bad…I’ve definitely lived through worse with this team. I’d still like to see them add another hitter to come off the bench and DH when V-Mart attempts to catch. I understand that it would violate Dave Dombrowski’s “only one black guy on the team” rule, but I’d really like to see Marcus Thames back in the D.

But this is about Magglio. He reportedly turned down a multi-year deal from at least one other team (eff you, Texas) to stay in the D. He said he chose to come back to Detroit due to his relationship with the Tigers front office, team owner Mike Ilitch, and his familiarity with the city. I’m sure the presence of fifty of his countrymen on the team didn’t hurt, either. He also said that he would like to finish his career as a Tiger and that 2011 will not be his last season. Magglio’s been amazing in his tenure with us and it’s awesome that we get at least one more season of The Tilde in Detroit. I’m looking forward to it.

The pitching rotation is still a mess though…but we'll get to that and more after the jump.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Another Visit With the Great One From the East

Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time for a visit from the great stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers and Jose Valverde’s personal dance coach…I give you Rogo-nac, the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage.

Are you okay, oh great sage?

Wonderful, you twit. Let’s do this before I decide to quit the blog again.

Of course, good sir. I hold in my hand a pile of envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within a stack of “Don Kelly’s Greatest Moments” DVDs, where no one would possibly look for them. We now ask you, oh great Rogo-nac, to use your divine powers to give the answer before opening the envelope and reading the question. Are you ready?

I guess so.

Hermetically sealed…


Within a stick of “Don Kelly’s Greatest Moments” DVDs.

Where no sane man would look. Please, give me the first envelope.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have complete silence.

Most times, Rogo-nac receives nothing but complete silence.

May Phil Coke be your team’s secret weapon in the rotation.

Ho, ho, ho…

/puts envelope to forehead

Bambi and a free agent’s reaction when Detroit makes an offer.


Name a fawn and a yawn.

Haha…no non-Venezuelans are dumb enough to come here, sir. Haha…

/puts envelope to forehead




How many times has Carlos Guillen gotten hurt since coming to Detroit?

Hooo…the walking wounded. Yes, sir.  Haha...

/puts envelope to forehead

Donald, an Egyption king, and Johnny Damon’s wife.

Oh no…not her again…


Name a duck, Tut, and a slut.

Hoho…you never stop with that poor woman.

May your current #3 hitter be named “Casper”.

Yikes. Next one, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

Tomas Holmstrom and Jeremy Bonderman.

Holmstrom and Bonderman…


Name a hockey player and a hockey puck.

Hohoho…let’s pray Bondo’s finally gone, Great One.

/puts envelope to forehead

A Klan meeting, the Republican party, and the Detroit Tigers roster.


Name three places you’re not likely to see many black folks.

Hi-yooooooooooo! So tasteless, Mighty One!

May your friends constantly make fun of your girlfriend’s age.


Never mind. Moving along…

Continued after the jump...if you dare.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Old People Hate Everything...Especially Change

This isn’t on the Tigers, but it is taken from the Detroit News site. I hate old white people. Jerry Green is very old. And very white. And he hates Bud Selig and changes to his “pure” sport. Prepare yourself to be muttered incoherently at.

Baseball’s purity stained thanks to Bud Selig

My dad loved baseball as a boy.

How unique.  So did my dad.  So did everyone's dad.  Nowadays, my dad loves getting drunk and telling me that I'm a f-cking loser.  I look forward to doing the same to my son one day.

When I was a kid, he told me about how he played hooky one day to watch a playoff game the year the Giants and the Cubs tied for the pennant. 

He was about 13 at the time -- it was 1908 -- and he found a vantage point amid the boulders of Coogans Bluff. From there he could peer into the Polo Grounds in upper Manhattan.

Your dad was 13 in 1908? That means…

/does math

Holy sh-t…you really are old.

Next he babbles on and on about old times and players that were probably dead 20 years before you were born. Instead of boring you with that, I give you this. It’s basically the same thing…

Anyway, about my washtub...I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball." 

There was none of this nonsensical wild-card stuff back then. It would be nearly another century before commissioner Bud Selig could contaminate the game with such impurities.

Yes. The wild card has contaminated the game of baseball. I f-cking hate old people. The wild card has given us four World Series champions: ’97 Marlins, ’02 Angels, ’03 Marlins, ’04 Red Sox. That 2004 postseason was the greatest the sport has seen perhaps ever. Even Bob Costas has said that he was wrong about the wildcard being bad for the game.

And without the Wild Card, baseball in Detroit wouldn’t have been reborn in 2006. I wouldn’t have been in the third row to witness Magglio taking Street deep and experiencing the greatest moment of my life as a sports fan. Stupid wildcard.

We continue after the jump...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bobby Higginson For MLB Hall of Fame!

The voting will begin soon for the next group to enter the Hall of Fame. Certainly Mr. Bert Blyleven will FINALLY get in this year, or else I’ll have to snap someone’s neck. But who else? WHO CARES!

Bobby F’n Higginson, the greatest Tiger that ever was, is in his first year of eligibility! And when he gets voted in, I want his HOF plaque to look like the picture above!  Wait…what do you mean Bobby doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame? Are you fist-f-cking me?  Asshats!

Forgive me. Sometimes I forget that Bobby only had around four good years in the bigs. Go eat a bag of dicks.

Here’s a quick look at this year’s nominees. I’m sure when we get a bit more close, I’ll go into them in more detail. For now, I’ll separate them into three categories for you, based on my initial thoughts when reading their names. Don’t hold me to anything here…I haven’t done any research yet. (Do I ever?)

F-ck and Yes
Roberto Alomar (greatest 2nd baseman I’ve ever seen)
Bert Blyleven (pictured here in the greatest photo ever)
(Seriously, he should get in just for wearing that shirt...)

Mark McGwire (shut up, they were all on roids)
Jack Morris (10 inning World Series shutout among countless other moments)

Could Make an Argument
Jeff Bagwell (my 2nd favorite non-Tiger of all time after Craig Biggio)
Barry Larkin (overrated)
Edgar Martinez (wish he could field)
Don Mattingly (back ouchie ruined it all)
Fred McGriff (Crime Dog!)
Dale Murphy (nice guys finish last?)
Rafael Palmeiro (who you pointing at?)
Tim Raines (Rickey made him look mortal)
Lee Smith (saves overrated?)
Alan Trammell (homer choice, obviously)
Larry Walker (great numbers, hurt a lot)

Hell No
Carlos Baerga (meh)
Harold Baines (solid, not great)
Bret Boone (like one good year?)
Kevin Brown (psycho)
John Franco (saves suck)
Juan Gonzalez (diediediedie)
Marquis Grissom (thought he’d be great as a rookie)
Lenny Harris (really?)
Bobby Higginson (sniffle)
Charles Johnson (original Marlin alert!)
Al Leiter (good commentator)
Tino Martinez (I hate Tino)
Raul Mondesi (what a waste of talent)
John Olerud (nice helmet)
Dave Parker (he’s STILL on the list?)
Kirk Rueter (who?)
Benito Santiago (forgot he existed)
BJ Surhoff (heh heh…BJ)

Seriously, though. If Bert gets screwed again, everybody dies.