Detroit Tiger Headquarters, Detroit, MI
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, it’s good to be back in the office. I know you’ve had a lot going on with attempting to buy the Pistons, your three-a-day blood transfusions, and the bitter separation with Johnny Damon…
MIKE ILITCH: Oh, Johnny. (single tear rolls down cheek) Please, Dave. Too soon. I miss him so…
DOMBROWSKI: Of course, sir. My apologies. But we really need to continue with these interviews. I mean bringing back the same-old, same-old with Peralta and Inge…
ILITCH: Man of the YEAR, Brandon Inge, thank you.
DOMBROWSKI: Sigh. Of course. Well, as, er, brilliant as those decisions were, we need to prepare for the worst. If things don’t work next year, Tiger fans are going to want heads to roll. And we need to have a guy ready.
ILITCH: Sure thing, Dan.
DOMBROWSKI: Dave, sir.
ILITCH: Right. Well, who’s our interview with today?
DOMBROWSKI: As you know, we haven’t been the best team on defense. And this gentleman’s specialty is defense. Actually, he should be here any moment…
/door flies open
WADE PHILLIPS: (trips and falls) Aw, gosh darnit, Wade. Keep it together. Hello, sirs. Sorry ‘bout that.
DOMBROWSKI: That’s okay, Mr. Phillips. Welcome to Detroit. (extends hand)
PHILLIPS: (cowers) DON’T HIT ME, SIR!
DOMBROWSKI: Whoa! Wade, calm down. I was just trying to shake your hand.
PHILLIPS: Oh. Um, of course. Sorry ‘bout that, ‘ol Wade’s had a tough couple of years in Dallas.
ILITCH: Yes. You were employed by my friend Jerry Jones, right?
PHILLIPS: Argh! Where? He’s not here, is he? Oh, hamburgers…I can’t deal…
DOMBROWSKI: Mr. Phillips, please. It’s just us here. We just want to have a friendly chat about the Tigers and what you think you could do to help the team if we’re ready to make a move.
PHILLIPS: Shucks. (wipes brow) Well, sirs, I’m glad you called. I think I can be a great asset to your organization. In fact, ‘ol Wade’s about burned out on football. And I am friends with Ron Washington, you know.
DOMBROWSKI: Manager of the Texas Rangers, sir. They were in the World Series?
DOMBROWSKI: Matt Treanor’s team, sir.
ILITCH: Ahh, yes. Fine wife that boy has. Why didn’t we keep him, Dave? That’s right…Al’s boy needed a spot on the team. I’m sorry, Wade. Please continue.
PHILLIPS: Well, sir, I think my defensive approach to football can be easily transferred to the ‘ol baseball diamond. It’s all about discipline and fundamentals, in ‘ol Wade’s opinion. A good defense can go a long way for a team.
ILITCH: I seem to recall my gardener complaining that the Cowboys have given up around 40 points a game lately. Isn’t that right, Dave?
DOMBROWSKI: Yes, sir. Mr. Phillips was fired for that by Mr. Jones.
PHILLIPS: Argh! Where? Aww, Wade, you need to scuttle your butt outta here. If that old coot Jerry Jones calls me fat, lazy, stupid, worthless, chubby…aww, heck. I’m cryin’ again, aren’t I?
DOMBROWSKI: Perhaps you’re just not ready for another coaching position, Mr. Phillips. Why don’t you take some time off and maybe we can talk again in the future.
PHILLIPS: You ain’t foolin’, are ya? I’m sorry, guys. I do appreciate you takin’ the time to listen to me, though. I thought I’d be ready for all this, but…heck. That’s ‘ol Wade’s problem. Y’all take care. I need me a nice nap. And some Funyuns. And maybe a Yoo Hoo...
ILITCH: No more football coaches, Dave. There’s something not right about those folks, you hear?
DOMBROWSKI: Of course, sir.
ILITCH: Great. Well, who's next? I know! What’s Sparky Anderson up to these days? Now that would be something fans could get excited about!
DOMBROWSKI: Oh boy. Well, you see, sir…