Friday, October 1, 2010

The Free Press is Trying to Give Me Brain Cancer


Exactly what is it that the Free Press looks for when publishing a writer’s work? Do they encourage prospective authors to have the ramblings of a mental patient? Is it now required that the writers of each piece know jack and squat about professional baseball? Is it top priority that the people writing pieces for the Freep have opinions that are the complete opposite of sane logic?

Apparently so. It’s a reader submitted column from a guy named Aaron Traugh. Keep in mind that the Detroit Free Press has apparently felt that this article was good enough for them to feature on their website.  If anyone has access to the editor, please do us all a favor and beat him/her to death with a tire iron.

Here we go again, kids, after the jump.




Is there any common sense in baseball anymore?

Since I began doing these things, I’ve been wondering the same thing. By the way, I’ve already skimmed through your piece here. You are not helping the case for common sense, my friend.

Or do the owners and general managers still believe fans will only stream through their gates to witness hulking figures attempting to launch pitches in the direction of the International Space Station?

Chicks dig the long ball, dude. So do owners and managers. So do I. Here’s a little secret. Teams that hit a lot of home runs tend to score a lot of runs. Teams that score a lot of runs tend to win ballgames. In baseball, the team that scores more runs than the other team wins. Look it up.

This seems to be the Tigers' philosophy since the opening of Comerica Park in 2000.

Really? How many “hulking figures” has the team brought in since 2000? Let me see.

Tony Clark and Dean Palmer were already here by then. And yeah, Randy Smith did make the trade to bring Juan Gonzalez to Detroit. But Dave Dombrowski joined the Tigers in 2001, so I think it’s only fair to start there since you seem to be criticizing the current administration. Fair enough?

2001: Traded Juan Encarnacion and Luis Pineda for Dmitri Young. Now while DY’s a big dude, he was always more of a gap hitter than a power guy.

2002: Traded Jeff Weaver to acquire Carlos Pena, Jeremy Bonderman, and Franklyn German. No one knew what Pena would become at that point. And Bondo and German are (allegedly) pitchers. So nope.

2002: Drafted Curtis Granderson. At the time, he was a speedy line drive hitting guy. It would be seven years later when he got homer happy. And he’s not much of a hulking figure, I guess.

2003: Marcus Thames was signed in October as a free agent. He’s big! Kinda hulking! We finally found one!

2003: Rondell White was signed in December. Another line drive guy. Not a big dude. Dammit.

2004: Traded Juan Gonzalez (no, not THAT one) and Ramon Santiago for Carlos Guillen. Carlos isn’t a hulking figure…more of a tragic figure.

2004: Signed Ivan Rodriguez as a free agent. Gold glove winning catcher that hits line drives. Nope.

2005: Signed Magglio Ordonez as a free agent. .300+ hitting line drive hitter. This isn’t going well.

2005: Signed Todd Jones as a free agent. I know he was a pitcher, but he was fat. Should we count him? No…

2005: Traded a future murderer for Placido Polanco. Another whiff…he’s a singles hitter with a hulking head.

2007: Traded a bunch of garbage for Gary Sheffield. Are you counting him? The guy was looked at as a future Hall of Famer and might still be. He hit a lot of homers, but was known as a guy that got on base and hit line drives everywhere, too. Sorry, but I can’t count him.

2007: Traded a bunch of prospects for Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera. I think this one has worked out well for us. You want to give Mig back?

Really, that’s it. Every other acquisition I can find or remember weren’t for any Adam Dunn-type guys that you seem to be against. Did you perhaps dream all of this? Or make it all up?

Oh. You’re a f-cking moron. My bad.

The park features one of Major League Baseball's most expansive outfields. This green pasture is doubles and triples territory, and yet, how many Tigers not named Curtis Granderson or Austin Jackson have been able to take advantage of the Comerica Park outfield in the past 10 years?

2000: Deivi Cruz hit 46 doubles. 3rd in the AL.

2000: Bobby Higginson hit 44 doubles. 5th in the AL.

2001: Roger Cedeno hit 11 triples. 4th in the AL.

2003: Alex Sanches had 8 triples between Milwaukee and Detroit. 10th in all of MLB.

2004: Carlos Guillen hit 10 triples. 3rd in the AL.

2005: Brandon Inge hit 9 triples. 5th in the AL

2007: Magglio Ordonez hit 54 doubles. 1st in all of MLB.

2007: Carlos Guillen hit 9 triples. 4th in the AL. Granderson was 1st.

2010: Miguel Cabrera has hit 45 doubles. Currently 4th in the AL.

You see, there’s this thing called the internet nowadays. You can look up things like stats and have them in front of you in a moment’s notice. It’s much more effective than just making up nonsense to prove your off-the-wall point that you’re trying to make seem true. Instead, you look like the ignorant f-cking moron that you are.

And by the way, guys like Sean Casey, Johnny Damon, Magglio Ordonez, Aubrey Huff, Miguel Cabrera, and others were on these double and triple leaderboards quite a bit before being acquired by Dave Dombrowski later on. It seems that he was actually doing the exact opposite of what you claim he was doing.

Now why are you complaining again? Oh. Because you’re delusional.

Holes continue to develop throughout the lineup, and yet viable players like Omar Vizquel, Scott Podsednik, Juan Pierre and Luis Castillo are continually passed over in favor of lead-footed options.

My God.



I think I just had a stroke.

Vizquel: 43 years old. Career OPS+ of 83. Great glove back in the day, though.

Podsednik: Career OPS+ of 89.

Pierre: Career OPS+ of 84.

Castillo: Career OPS+ of 92. Hey! It’s your cleanup man! His OPS+ this year is 68, though.

What? Are David Eckstein or Darin Erstad too flashy for you?

Think back to Comerica Park's infancy when Dean Palmer complained about the fences being too far from the plate.

It was 395 feet to left center alone. It WAS ridiculous.

That should have been the organizations first hint that they played in a park that demanded speed and defensive prowess in lieu of the "bash 'till you crash" tactic birthed by the wretched steroid era. Instead, the Tigers caved, moved the fences in, and began stockpiling players big on meals, but short on wheels.

Who? I already went through everyone. Thames and Cabrera? How about f-ck and you?

Your dream team of pinch runners and slap hitters might have been ideal for baseball in 1908. But it’s 2010, ace. Wake up.

Shamefully, the team eventually sat back and allowed even Curtis Granderson, an absolute prototype for this park, to adjust his offensive approach in favor of becoming just another power hitter. Although his home runs increased, the strikeouts began piling up, as well. In addition, both his batting average on base percentage went south quicker than a retiree on Labor Day.

Actually, I recall Jim Leyland and company trying to get Curtis to knock his Willie Mays Hayes in “Major League 2” act off. He didn’t. And what happened? They traded him for a kid that they hoped would be the guy that Granderson used to be. And they were right.

Shamefully, your revisionist history is not fooling anyone except for perhaps the trolls that frequent the comments section of the Freep site. If you were in front of me right now, I would stab you in the genitals with a machete.

The puzzling transformation at the plate even appeared to affect his status as one of the leagues premier defensive talents toward the end of his Tigers tenure. Austin Jackson: Beware!

Sigh. Yes, in your world Grandy became Ryan Raburn defensively in the outfield because he started hitting home runs. Also, AJax is the next Tiger to hit 30 dingers. What’s next? Will Danny Worth be the next man to hit .400?  Stay tuned.

Comerica Park's dimensions call for intelligent, swift hitters and nifty, fundamentally-sound fielders, not the lumberjacks and iron gloves Tigers fans have been continually subjected to recently.

Seriously, WHO THE F-CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Do you wear glasses that act like Fun House mirrors and make Ramon Santiago, Will Rhymes, Danny Worth, Clete Thomas, Don Kelly, Ryan Raburn, Brandon Inge, and Scott Sizemore look like Mark McGwire?

Sure, there's been a Granderson here and a Placido Polanco there, but Detroit lets them walk away in favor of sub-par replacements.

Granderson gone. AJax, Scherzer, Coke, and Schlereth in. Win.

Polanco gone. He turns 35 in a month. OPS+ of 95 this year (90 in his final year in Detroit). Will Rhymes in. 98 OPS+. And come on! From the way you’re talking, Rhymes should be your ideal player! Geez.

Some would argue that so called "small ball" isn't exciting,

Like watching flies f-ck.  (RIP, George Carlin.)

but is strategic composition and a better brand of the game exciting?

No. You don’t have a clue what you are talking about.

If you're still unconvinced, go ask the Yankees fans how they felt about smooth-fielding teams that were a bit short on the long ball during the Joe Torre era.

First off, Yankee fans are retarded. They think Scott Brosius belongs in the Hall of Fame.

Second, you picked the Yankees, of ALL baseball teams, to prove your point about small ball? Jesus Tap Dancing Christ...have you ever even seen a Major League baseball game?

Do you think that Tino Martinez, Ruben Sierra, Cecil Fielder, Darryl Strawberry, Chili Davis, David Justice, Glenallen Hill, and Jose Canseco were acquired during those Torre World Series years to lay down bunts and move runners over? If you could stop masturbating to your memories of Derek Jeter’s dreamy eyes, you’d realize that the Torre Yankees are the very type of team that you are rallying against!

Good gawd, the ’98 Yankees had ten guys on the team with at least 10 home runs! In ’99 they had seven guys with at least 17 homers! In 2000 they had nine guys with at least 15!

You lose! Good day, sir!

The Tigers achieved some success during the Jim Leyland/Dave Dombrowski regime, but a serious student of the game

If we are all “students” of the game, you are most definitely the dunce of the class that's been eating too much paste.

can't help but revert to the realization that this team -- for the most part -- can't hit, run, field or even think.

That or they suffered an unreal amount of injuries when they were a game back of first place and before the starting pitching started clicking.  Then a bunch of rookies manned the field.  But, whatever.

And I'm pretty sure that Bonderman's the only guy on the team that's incapable of thinking, you condescending prick.

And most glaringly, they haven't hoisted the golden pennant in 26 years.

And we're finally done.  They just get worse and worse, don't they?

Look, if you want to crap on Dave Dombrowski, do it for the silly guaranteed contracts that he gave to guys like Dontrelle Willis, Nate Robertson, and Jeremy Bonderman. Cry some more about trading Jair Jurrjens for Edgar Renteria, or maybe the Jarrod Washburn deal. Whatever.

But your entire article and position is just ridiculous.

Do me a favor…

5 comments:

ChrisDTX said...

Fact: this guy keeps a 1985 Cardinals yearbook under his bed. Additional fact: the pages are stuck together. If you know what I mean.

PaulBakosNumberOneFan said...

One more reason NOT to read the Free Press.

madpoopz said...

Machetes aren't effective for stabbing. I suggest a stilleto or a tanto blade.

StealthMuscles said...

"AJax is the next Tiger to hit 30 dingers"

If this statement is true, we're in trouble. In 5 years of pro ball, Jackson has 30 HR total.

If he is really going to replace Granderson, then he will need a Granderson-like jump in production in his second year. Here's hoping that happens, but in the end, we lost our 2nd best power hitter (CJ ended up with the same amount of xtra base hits as Jackson in 20 less games). That title is now owned by Ryan Raburn. Is that encouraging?

StealthMuscles said...

"AJax is the next Tiger to hit 30 dingers"

If this statement is true, we're in trouble. In 5 years of pro ball, Jackson has 30 HR total.

If he is really going to replace Granderson, then he will need a Granderson-like jump in production in his second year. Here's hoping that happens, but in the end, we lost our 2nd best power hitter (CJ ended up with the same amount of xtra base hits as Jackson in 20 less games). That title is now owned by Ryan Raburn. Is that encouraging?