Monday, September 6, 2010

Who Wants To Bid On Don Kelly's Kettle Corn?


This Wednesday, September 8th, you…yes, YOU can bid in an auction on Fox Sports Detroit and purchase gift baskets hand-picked by the wives of your Detroit Tigers and filled with their husband/boyfriend’s favorite things! Holy sh-t! Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Miguel Cabrera’s favorite flask (not used in nearly a year)? Tickets to see a Suns game with G-Money's family?  Will Rhymes’ footie pajamas (size 3T)? Maybe get your grubby little hands on the crayons that Brandon Inge uses to draw on his arms?

Sadly, there’s nothing THAT good in there. Go here to see the whole list. But thankfully, I’m here to go over some of what I think are the highlights of each package...after the jump.




Auction Package #1
Armando Galarraga, Alex Avila, Rod Allen

Some things picked by Armando’s wife:

-Doritos (What…no Cool Ranch?)
-Caramel Twix (I prefer peanut butter.)
-Aromas de Turis Sangria (Ooh…a $6 bottle of wine.)
-Card Magic-Professional Card Tricks (cough…DOUCHEBAG…cough.)
-$20 gift card to The Wunderworld Magic Shop (Hey, he made my perfect game disappear!)
-$25 gift card to Wendy’s (Do they still Biggie-Size?)
-$25 gift card to AMC Theaters (That’ll get you a ticket, a small pop, and maybe some Goobers.)
-Autographed 16x20 photo from the imperfect game signed by Armando (With authentic teardrop smudges in the ink!)

Picked by Avila’s fiancĂ©:

-Junior Mints and Raisinets (Someone likes movie candy.)
-Reduced Fat Cheese-Its (Avila’s a fatty!)
-Mountain Dew (Avila couldn’t come up with some boxed wine? Geez.)
-First season of “Entourage” DVD (Never seen it…no interest, either.)
-Apples to Apples-The Game of Hilarious Comparisons (Such as Alex Avila and a competent major league catcher? Hilarious!)
-$10 gift certificate to AMC Theaters with coupons for four free sodas and four free popcorns (If you go to the movies with all of those gift certs, you are a f-cking low rent and they will make fun of you.)
-Detroit Tigers keychain (Yes, I’m sure that that’s one of Alex’s favorite things. Did she even try?)

And finally in this one, things picked by Rod’s wife:

-Golf balls and golf tees (For hittin’ seeds!)
-8 pack of root beer (Um…what?)
-Chocolate covered raisins (No cotton candy?)
-Snickers, Butterfinger, Peanut M&M’s (Anyone else here thinking that Mrs. Allen just stopped at the closest Speedway and filled up her basket?)
-Men’s Health Magazine (Yup…she did.)
-’84 Tigers replica road jersey signed by Rod (Replica and road? C’mon, Rod. C’mon, Paht-nah.)

Auction Package #2
Johnny Damon, Max Scherzer, Mario Impemba

Picked by the lovely Michelle Damon:

-Jack Daniels (Hahahaha…I love Damon.)
-CD-“Cold Day Memory” by Sevendust (Anyone but Nickelback’s cool with me.)
-Made in Detroit T-Shirt and hat (Give it up, Johnny…you’re not coming back next year.)
-2010 Tigers magazine, Issue 2 (What…no Cosmopolitan?)
-Unique game used and autographed memorabilia (Unique? Like a jock strap?)

From Max Max’s girlfriend:

-Jack Links Beef Jerky (I wanna see Max mess with Sasquach!)
-DVD of “Swordfish” (Is that the one with Halle Berry’s boobs? I’m in.)
-PS3 version of “Call of Duty” (PEW PEW!)
-Mizuno shirt (That’ll teach Max to leave his dirty laundry laying around.)
-$50 gift card to Chipoltle (Holy crap…that’s like 7 or 8 burritos…and a lot of blood in your stool.)
-$50 gift card to Tom’s Oyster Bar (Why Max…how dirty.)

And from Mrs. Mario (Princess Peach?):

-Two MSU/Notre Dame football tickets (Let’s go Irish!)
-OU Basketball items (That’s kinda vague…)
-Three gift cards (Mario’s wife is as boring as Mario is.)

Auction Package #3
Justin Verlander, Don Kelly, John Keating
(as seen in the picture at the top)

Packed by JV’s hottie GF, Emily:

-Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips (My favorite!)
-Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (My favorite candy, too! I knew me and JV were boyz!)
-August 2010 issue of “European Car” magazine (Probably not the best gift for someone from DETROIT, you know, the “Motor City”?)
-Three golf balls (I’d lose those before finishing the first hole.)
-DVD: “For Love of the Game” (“You ever gotten your heart broken?” “Yeah, when we lost the pennant in ’87.” Great line.)
-Like 5 different autographed JV items…this package rules.
-Use of JV’s personal luxury suite including 18 tickets and 3 parking passes to a 2010 home game (Good gawd…Emily, you win the coolest Tiger significant other contest.)

Don Kelly’s wife, Carrie, sends along the following favorite things of Don:

-Terrazas de los Andres Reserva Malbec, 2006 (It’s a $19 bottle of wine. He has better taste than Armando, I’ll give him that.)
-Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn (Yuck.)
-Grape Propel drink mix (Grape Drank?)
-CD: “Speaking Louder Than Before” by Jeremy Camp (Um…lemmie check google. Oy, it’s Christian music. I’m guessing that he and JD don’t share CD’s much.)
-Game used bat and gloves signed by Kelly. (One can only imagine how many weak grounders to second came out of those bad boys!)

Keating’s stuff:

-Hairspray (From Keating? Is this a joke?  If it were Ryan Field, I'd be with you.)
-Tigers/Royals tickets (Plenty of good seats still available, folks!)

Well, those are the highlights. There's plenty more in there, too. I make fun, but all proceeds benefit the Detroit Tigers Foundation to support Tiny Tigers, a t-ball and junior baseball program funded by the Foundation in partnership with the Boys & Girls Clubs of Southeastern Michigan. So bid away, my friends.

And if you win, send me the JV stuff. I’m sick of trying to entertain you clowns for free.

1 comment:

Belkys said...

Robertson designated again