Thursday, September 2, 2010

Tiger Droppings: "Waving the White Flag" Edition

Sorry, Max. You deserved better out there. We traded Edwin Jackson to get you, but sadly, we forgot to get rid of the horrid run support that we always gave him.

Exactly at what point did he replace Verlander as the ace of this staff? Dude is unbelievable lately.

Oh well, onto the Droppings.  Today, I've put together a dazzling half-assed column where I throw in the towel on the 2010 Tigers, make fun of Will Rhymes some more, namedrop Timo Perez again, admit which Tiger frightens me, and actually promote other writers' good work.  Jump with me.

It’s Over

If you haven’t realized it by now, the 2010 Detroit Tigers season is finished. I admit, during the recent stretch against Cleveland and Kansas City, I flirted with delusions that we could somehow get back into the AL Central race. Idiotic, I know, as I forgot that they are the only two teams in baseball worse than we are right now. But I’ve finally come to terms with it, and the late inning blowups this series against the dreaded Twinkies of South Canada didn’t even phase me. I expected it. You should’ve, too.

A certain fellow blogger, who shall remain nameless, and I exchange texts during every Tiger game. And every day, judging by her texts, I expect to see her picture on the evening news after slaughtering her family and everyone in a two block radius after yet another Tiger Game Fail. But I think after the latest epic nonsense of our Mud Tigers, even she has come to terms that this season is over.

For crissakes, Will Rhymes, Don Kelly, and Casper Wells are on the current roster. Max St. Pierre just got a call up after 14 years in the minors. All of these guys, and possibly Alex Avila, are no better than 25th men on most major league teams. (KC, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh are not legit major league teams, btw.) If we were going to go with this kind of AAA backup “talent”, couldn’t Timo Perez, Mike Hessman, and Jeff Larish been kept around? At least they could hit.

Rhymes and Wells were our #2 and #3 hitters against the Twins yesterday. I mean, really? Max Scherzer should take a dump on Dave Dombrowski’s desk when the team returns to Detroit.

And while I’m on the subject, Casper Wells is a scary looking dude. See?

He looks like a serial killer or something. Creepy, I tell you. I haven’t been this scared of a Tiger player since I was convinced that Juan Encarnacion was going to steal my car in the late 90’s.

But again, know when to give up, kids. When Jim Leyland lights his last cigarette with the still burning butt of the previous one, he knows he’s done. Then, he sends Don Kelly out to get him a new carton.

When Derek Jeter has finally choked the life out of whatever hooker he has picked up on the way to the stadium, he knows he’s done. He then immediately has the Yankee clubhouse attendant dump the body in the East River with Marcus Thames’ DNA planted on her, just in case.

And when the best guy the Tigers can call up on September 1st is Max St. Pierre, you know it’s time to start dreaming about 2011. Call it a “feel good” story all you want…I call it the official waving of the white flag.

And if you listen closely enough…somewhere…you can hear Dusty Ryan weeping.

Thank you Miguel Cabrera, Justin Verlander, Austin Jackson, Jose Valverde, Brennan Boesch, Max Scherzer, Magglio Ordonez, and Phil Coke. It was fun for a while. Seeya next year (Maggs, I hope)…and hopefully you’ll all get some help from the office.

A Little Help at Second

The tireless masters of Tiger blogging over at Bless You Boys featured a story and poll on who people thought should be manning second base for the Tigers next year. My immediate thought was “anyone but Will Rhymes”. Of course, the winner of the poll was none other than Tinkerbell himself.

Out of the 503 votes cast, Wee Man got 44% of the voting from delusional Tiger fans. (Have You Seen) Scott Sizemore finished second with 25%, Carlos Guillen was third with 16%, Mystery Man was fourth with 10%, and Little Ramon finished last with 2%.

I voted for Guillen for the basic fact that we’ve got a Dontrelle-sized load of money that’s guaranteed to him next year. Plus, he can hit better than the rest of them. And if/when he gets hurt, you throw Sizemore in there to see if he has what it takes before we end up going after a free agent in 2012. Second base isn’t going to make or break us next year. But Rhymes, people?

I’m convinced that in a majority of the Tiger community, their dream baseball lineup would look like this:

C: Alex Avila
1B: Don Kelly
2B: Will Rhymes
3B: Brandon Inge
SS: Danny Worth
LF: Clete Thomas
CF: Curtis Granderson
RF: Casper Wells
DH: Ryan Strieby

Cabrera misses the cut because he got drunk once. Magglio is old and makes more than minimum wage. Granderson never would have been traded because he leads the league in smiles.

This team would go 20-142 if they’re lucky. Of course, I’m exaggerating a bit (I think), but come on, people. Demand a little better out of your team once in a while, okay?

Rhymes is hitting .320. Good for him. But if you take out his 11/27 performance against the AA pitching staffs of KC and Cleveland, he’s down to .288, most of which barely made it out of the infield. He has 100 official at bats and only 5 walks, despite having a strike zone size of a DVD case. He has no extra base power. He’ll be 28 years old by the time Opening Day hits next year. Oh, and he has an identical twin brother according to this. Here’s a picture of them together.

Will Rhymes sucks.  He fits in your pocket!  I get it!  But the novelty's over.  I want to win.

The Continued Adventures of Our Hero

The wealthiest of all Iron Pigs in Lehigh Valley, Nate Robertson, has made two starts for the AAA team of the Phillies. He’s managed to go 1-1 with a 3.38 ERA in 10.2 innings pitched. He’s only walked two (one intentionally…in AAA, Nate?) and given up 10 hits.

Will Nate get the last laugh in 2010 and get a call up with the Fightin’ Phils, who are only three back of Atlanta? Stay tuned!

And It Feels So Empty Without Me

Eminem has a concert at Comerica Park tonight. If you will be attending, send me a picture. Depending on the size of Em’s posse, it could be the most black guys from Detroit on the field since Comerica opened in 2000. Does Grand Dragon Dombrowski know about this?

But, Plugs

-Despite her love of Will Rhymes, Brandon Inge, and the Boston Red Sox, I remain a big fan of Sam over at Roar of the Tigers.  Today she struggles on whom to blame more for wasting Scherzer's brilliant effort:  Ryan Perry or the inept offense.

-The always brilliant Lee Panas at Tiger Tales takes a deeper look at Mad Max and compares him to the other current dominant pitchers in baseball.  Lee also talks about what Scherzer needs to do to continue his progress in becoming one of the best pitchers in baseball.

-If you have a minute, head over here and tell Blake to quit drinking cheap whiskey in dive bars all over Connecticut and start writing about the Tigers again.  Lazy sumbitch...

-Want to re-live Kirk Gibson's 1988 Game One dramatic homer with the Dodgers, complete with Vin Scully's play-by-play...but in NINTENDO RBI BASEBALL FORM?  Damn right, you do!  Check this's awesome.  Shut up...I'm old and I'm a nerd.

-Finally, the NFL Season is right around the corner.  I'm assuming that most of you clowns are fans of the filthy Lions.  If so, don't forget to check out Big Al's always entertaining work at The Wayne Fontes Experience.  I'm not a Lions fan, but even I get a kick out Al's passion and sense of humor when it comes to his team.

And if you feel like keeping tabs on a real team, go here.  And send insulin.  It's gonna be a long year...


Anonymous said...

Don't worry, you're not the only one who had delusional thoughts about getting back into the race. I was sitting around on Tuesday thinking, "10 back with 31 left. Probably not going to happen. But hey, my Rockies pulled off the amazing in 2007. If we can sweep the Twins this week..." Then I was so excited when we were up 3-0 and actually looking pretty good. I had to take off and missed the rest. I should have known not to get my hopes up.

I'm actually not too frustrated with the amount that Rhymes is playing right now. I'm not happy that he's batting 2nd so consistently, but I'm not completely mad about it. The guys that I'm mad about are guys like Peralta (why the hell did we trade for him? he's played decently, but if we're going to trade we need to trade for someone who actually makes a big difference, and if you take away his first game he really hasn't done much) and Don Kelly, who sits on the roster doing nothing. Avila and Laird frustrate me too. I don't expect them to hit .300, but if they were even hitting .250 it would make a huge difference. I appreciate what Boesch was doing to start, but him falling off the table when we needed him the most hurt a lot too. They're about as effective as a pitcher hitting. I don't even know what to say. I had some hope for this year, and when we were still in the thick of it as late as we were, I thought we might actually pull it off. I would just like to see them do something in my lifetime (still haven't even seen them win the division in my lifetime).

Thanks for entertaining me for yet another season. Thanks for recognizing the guys who actually do great things for this team and not jizzing your pants when Don Kelly or Ryan Raburn makes one good play. I look forward to see what jokes you can give me for this last month and hopefully we can do something good next year.

Julie said...

Um, I didn't mind Will Rhymes... until it was pointed out that he has a twitter. Sigh. Careful, Will, you are crossing into Grilli-esque bleh-ness with that.