Friday, September 17, 2010

Catfight: DJ vs JD


Two things about this Derek Jeter fooling the umpire nonsense:

First, no one would care if it weren’t Derek Jeter or the Yankees being involved. The Tigers get screwed by umpires every third game and ESPN can’t be bothered to even show highlights of the game.

Two, if it were A-Rod that did it, the talking heads would be having a field day calling him names. Instead, they’re defending Jeter as if he were their own child. Jamie Samuelsen of the Freep actually beat me to that one. Good job, Jamie. See? I’m fair and balanced.

And seriously, who cares? Jeter’s right. His job is to get on base. If I learned anything from watching wrestling as a kid, it was when Jesse “The Body” Ventura would tell me that you should “win if you can, lose if you must, but ALWAYS cheat”. Wise words, “Body”. They got you elected Governor, in fact.

Anyhoo, today while driving home from work and suffering through what constitutes as sports talk radio, they were babbling about the Jeter crap and one guy , for some reason, brought up Johnny Damon and how similar his stats are to Derek’s for their careers. I’ve seen FSN do the same in the past. So, I thought what better way to see who really is the better player by playing America’s favorite pastime, “Catfight”.

Johnny, Derek…COME ON DOWN! Ten catagories, ten battles. Let’s see who the better man is after the jump.





1.  162 Game Average Stats via Baseball-Reference.com

Jeter: .314 Avg, 17 HR, 80 RBI, 33 doubles, 4 triples, .384 OBP, .837 OPS, 23 SB.
Damon: .288 Avg, 15 HR, 75 RBI, 35 doubles, 7 triples, .355 OBP, .792 OPS, 27 SB.

Advantage: At first glance, slightly Jeter, but I’m going push. True, JD had eight years in loaded Boston and New York lineups, but Johnny has also done lots of time in crappy KC, Oakland, and Detroit ones. In fact, Jeter has never known what it’s like to not be surrounded by other millionaires with obscene talent over his 16 seasons. In fact, I really should give it to Johnny here. But push. I’m fair, remember?

2.  Defense

Jeter: The most overrated defender in Major League history.
Damon: What was the old saying about him? Looks like Jesus, acts like Judas, throws like Mary? Yeah, he’s never really been good on D.

Advantage: Jeter. He’s not bad. But he deserves four Gold Gloves almost as much as I do.

3.  Captain-ship

Jeter: THE Captain
Damon: Ex-Captain Caveman

Advantage: Jeter. Only Captain Crunch is a more recognizable “Captain”.

4.  Book

Jeter: His little black book
Damon: “Idiot”, now available, brand new, from Amazon for only $6.64!

Advantage: Jeter. I’d give your left nut (or ovary) to get a peek in that mofo.

5.  Championship Rings

Jeter: 5
Damon: 2

Advantage: Damon. “But Rogo, five is more than two!” Normally, yes. But the 2004 ring is worth 7 normal rings. Although I have come to despise supporters of “Sawx Nation”, that was the most memorable postseason of all time and destroyed the so-called “Curse of the Bambino”.

6.  Top 3 Similar Batters at Baseball-Reference.com

Jeter: Barry Larkin, Roberto Alomar, Alan Trammell
Damon: Cesar Cedeno, Kenny Lofton, Marquis Grissom

Advantage: Jeter, by a mile. Alan Trammell, as you may remember, is a guy that Hall of Fame voters have never heard of.

7.  Hated By

Jeter: Red Sox fans
Damon: Red Sox fans

Advantage: Push. Red Sox fans should all be sterilized. Nowadays, they hate everyone unless they’re Dustin Pedroia, Nomar, or Wes Welker.

8.  ESPN

Jeter: Would rename their network the Derek Jeter/Brett Favre Variety Channel if they could.
Damon: Thinks he retired after leaving the Yanks in ’09.

Advantage: Damon. The Worldwide Leader sucks donkey schlong.


9.  Career Earnings

Jeter: $205,430,000
Damon: $105,189,000

Advantage: Damon. At least $150,000,000 of Jeter’s cash has HAD to have gone to lawyers, agents, abortion clinics, and hush money. No one is that squeaky clean in New York.

10.  Strippers

Jeter: Forbids them to make eye contact.
Damon: Marries them.

Advantage: Jeter. Johnny…what were you thinking?

Overall, by a score of 5-3 with 2 pushes, Derek Jeter gets the nod. Even here at DNR, Jeter and the Yanks can’t be beat. Pricks.

I still love ya, though, Johnny. Good luck wherever you end up next year.

No comments: