Wednesday, August 11, 2010

THE TEAM: Seeking Help

MAX SCHERZER: All right, guys. I know this is tough for each of us to be here. I mean, we all love playing in Detroit. The fans are great, the media isn’t all over us every day like other cities, and we’re in a winnable division. But it’s getting ridiculous out there. We’re pitching our butts off out there and the team they’re putting behind us? I’ve seen Little League clubs with more pop in the lineup. Am I right?

JUSTIN VERLANDER: /stares straight ahead

SCHERZER: Yeah, I know, man. You’ve been dealing with this a lot longer than I have. How about you, dude? You’ve been here longer than either of us.


SCHERZER: Me, too, man. But first, we’ve got to take care of business. It’s just not fair. We’re in the primes of our careers, but this team does nothing but make errors and score no runs behind us. Jim’s a nice fella and all, but I don’t think he’s got the balls to make this work anymore! And Dave seems more concerned with putting “nice guys” out there instead of quality ballplayers. Am I right?

VERLANDER: /stares straight ahead


SCHERZER: (sigh) Okay. I hope these guys can help. Their commercials sure are convincing.

/checks watch

SCHERZER: Man, what’s going on? Our appointment was for twenty minutes ago…

/door flies open

More after the jump…


/trips over coffee table

SCHERZER: Whoa! You okay, man?

BERNSTEIN: Oh, I’m fine. Happens all the time, haha. Let me get situated and we’ll begin, cool?

/spends ten minutes trying to find chair

SCHERZER: Um…do you need help, sir?

BERNSTEIN: Haha…no. Silly cleaning lady moves things around from time to time. It’s hard to find good help nowadays, you know?

/finds chair

/falls down

/eases into chair

BERNSTEIN: There we go. I’m sorry my father couldn’t be here today. As you may know, we mostly deal with personal injury cases and it’s the busy time of the year for him. A Mr. Guillen, that I believe you gentlemen are familiar with, takes up 90% of his time during the summer months. Now, he’s briefed me on the details, but why don’t you summarize things for me yourselves, okay?

SCHERZER: Well, Mr. Bernstein, my associates and I are major league baseball players. We play on a team with one of the highest payrolls in baseball. We’re all in our 20’s and busting our rear ends out there, but management is letting us down when it comes to defense and offense behind us. There are rookies playing everywhere. Don Kelly is on the roster. Heck, in the past couple weeks alone they’ve had a midget playing second base, one of the boss’ inept kids catching, and (gulp) Ryan Raburn playing in the outfield.

BERNSTIEN: Good lord.

SCHERZER: I know. We don’t want to be bad teammates, but we’re wasting our primes on a team that seems to be run by a bunch of chimps in some sort of bizarre science experiment.

BERNSTEIN: I see. Are you all being paid accordingly?

SCHERZER: Well, he just signed a new blockbuster deal. Right?

VERLANDER: /stares straight ahead

SCHERZER: And this guy…he can’t complain.


SCHERZER: And me…well, I haven’t been around enough to cash in quite yet. But the team’s paying two guys, Nate and Dontrelle, more than the three of us combined this season and they’re playing in the minors for other teams! Can you believe that?

BERNSTEIN: Amazing. I think we’ll be able to help you here. My father has taken the liberty to put together some charts outlining your case. Let’s see…

/fumbles around desk

/holds up chart

BERNSTEIN: Ahh. As you can see here, this one outlines what the average major league pitcher’s output is and the run support he should expect behind him.

SCHERZER: Um, actually, sir, that is a picture of a kitten hanging from a tree branch.


BERNSTEIN: Oh. I’m sorry. That’s one of our motivational posters…hang in there, heh heh. Give me a second.

/fumbles around desk for five minutes

/holds up chart

BERNSTEIN: There we go!

SCHERZER: Um, same kitty picture, sir.


BERNSTEIN: Sorry. Forget the charts for now. The point is, you gentlemen are definitely not receiving the run support than any non Pittsburgh Pirate pitcher should be entitled to. We think you may have a case and are ready to go to bat for you, so to speak.

SCHERZER: That’s great to hear, sir. Right guys?

VERLANDER: /stares straight ahead


BERNSTEIN: Oh, are you thirsty? I have some coffee here. Let me pour you some.

/dumps coffee into Verlander’s lap

SCHERZER: Oh my goodness!

VERLANDER: /begins sharpening knives

BERNSTEIN: There you go. Anyone else?

SCHERZER: No thanks, man. Look…when will your father be back again?

BERNSTEIN: Tough to say. As I said, Mr. Guillen seems to have a new personal injury case every couple weeks. He also has several associates. There’s a Mr. Zumaya, Mr. Ordonez, Mr. Inge. He’s quite the character. Then, there’s Mr. Seay…Mr. Bonderman’s name actually sounds familiar now that I think about it…


SCHERZER: Well, perhaps we should reschedule when he has more time. No offense, sir. We’re just quite frustrated with this team and we need things to be taken care of by next season by an expert. Ownership seems to think that things are fine the way they are and we might need to force our ways onto other teams somehow. I feel bad about it, but enough’s enough.

BERNSTEIN: That’s quite all right. I understand. Let me get the door for you.

/opens fifth story window

SCHERZER: Uh, that’s okay, sir. We can show ourselves out. Right guys?


VERLANDER: (whispering) Everyone here is going to die.

SCHERZER: Oh boy. Thanks for your time…c’mon guys. We gotta pick Porcello up from daycare. Thanks again, Mr. Bernstein. Talk to you later.

BERNSTEIN: No problem, guys. Take care.

/picks up banana and holds it to ear

BERNSTEIN: Janice, hold my calls. I’m going to take a quick nap.


rob t said...

dude, I stumbled upon your stuff right before the season started, showed some friends and had to convince them it wasn't me writing it. I have a dandy of a picture of Inge for you too if you can tell me how to get it to you. Thanks for your work.

Big Al said...

Thanks for making me laugh in this time of crisis, Rogo!

As bad as the Tigers are playing, I'm on the verge of making an uh oh in my pants too.

Rogo said...


Thanks. You are a sick human being. You can email me at

I can never get enough goofy pics of Brandon Inge.

rob t said...

dude, I stumbled upon your stuff right before the season started, showed some friends and had to convince them it wasn't me writing it. I have a dandy of a picture of Inge for you too if you can tell me how to get it to you. Thanks for your work.