Weren’t we in first place like a month ago? Baseball is quite frustrating. At least we’re not Pirates fans. Keep reminding yourself of that. Eff it…let’s do this.
/takes two hits of acid
And I’m ready. Let’s go.
PREGAME/TOP OF THE FIRST
-Mario and Rod are rocking the red polo shirts today. Rod pulls it off well. Mario looks more uncomfortable than Jim Joyce at the eye doctor.
-Rod says it’s been an up and down season for Porcello. Did I miss the “up” part when I was away?
-Don Kelly and Will Rhymes are starting today for Detroit. Jim Leyland hates me. And you. I take back that 96-1 prediction. It’ll be a miracle if we get a run off of Hughes today unless they’re dumb enough to throw Cabrera a strike.
-Austin Jackson leads it off for Detroit. He quickly flies out to one of the DNR’s most hated, Nick Swisher, in right field.
-Holy hell…why’s the bat boy up at the plate? Oh, crap…it’s just Rhymes. Why not Sizemore? Have they explained that yet? They should fine Rhymes every time he swings the bat.
-Rhymes singles to left. Well, suck me sideways. He’s still terrible.
-Ryan Raburn is the #3 hitter today. And he tries to bunt. My gawd. Anyway, it goes foul.
-Raburn strikes out. Do a shot every time a Tiger K’s today. Hopefully you’ll pass out before the game’s over.
-Big Mig’s up. How does he have 98 RBI with nothing but dogsh-t around him in the lineup? Oh yeah, he’s amazing. And you know he’s going to get screwed out of the MVP because they insist on giving it to a guy that makes the playoffs. Stupid.
-GONE! M V F-CKING P! To right center, even. I love that man.
TIGERS: 2, YANKEES: 0
-Why does anyone pitch to him? That’s 100 RBI for Cabrera. Unbelievable.
-Johnny Damon’s batting 5th? Whatever. He strikes out looking to end the inning. Hey, we scored! I’m claiming moral victory!
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-Brett Gardner leads it off for the Yanks. Porcello is starting for the first time in his career in his hometown. He looks nervous. That should be expected. He is, after all, still only 14 years old.
-Gardner grounds out to Kid Rick. Good start.
-Derek Jeter is up. I wish I had HD so I could see his halo and wings.
-Line drive…caught by Mig. Two quick outs.
-Rick has friends and family in the crowd. His high school baseball coach is there, too. That’s adorable.
-Crazy to think that he was still on that high school team just a couple years ago.
-Mark Teixiera lines out to the midget at second base. A quick first inning out of a Tiger starter? I may have pooped a little, I’m so happy.
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Jhonny Peralta leads it off and promptly singles to right. Him or Inge at third base next year? My answer? Adrian Beltre.
-Speaking of the little bastard, Inge is next up. Mario points out that he’s clean shaven for the Yankee series. Sucking up to Yankee management, Brandon?
-Full count pitch is popped out to right. One down.
-Alex Avila’s next and is also clean shaven. Well, as much as he can be. I expect a full beard by the 7th inning stretch.
-How fast is Peralta? Jorge Posada has a worse arm than Johnny Damon. We should be running every chance we get today. Then again, Jim Leyland hates winning baseball games.
-Hughes is up to 40 pitches already. Another good sign for us?
-Avila hits a double play ball, but Cano and Jeter both bobble it. Somehow, they still got Peralta at second. I guess that answers my speed question.
-Don f’n Kelly is up. He homered yesterday. No word on if hell froze over just yet.
-He grounds out to first. End of inning.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Wait…now they tell us that Rick was actually born in New Jersey. Why do Jersey folks always claim to be New Yorkers?
-Robbie Cano grounds out to start the inning.
-Nick Swisher’s up. Wow…he’s having quite the year in the Yankee lineup. Can you imagine what Cabrera’s numbers would be in New York? Good gawd.
-Swisher grounds out to Rhymes at second. He dove for the ball when he didn’t really have to. Showoff.
-Posada’s up with two down. Full count and Jorge draws the walk.
-That brings up a guy named Curtis Granderson. Name sounds familiar.
-Nothing like Tiger pitching to wake up CJ’s bat, huh? Sigh…I can’t hate on Granderson. Him, I get the crazy Tiger fan love for. Inge…not so much.
-Three pitch strikeout. Awesome. Rick has good stuff so far.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-AJax leads it off and flies out to Swisher again. Dammit…work the count on Hughes, guys.
-Holy crap…I thought Gary Coleman was dead! Wait, it’s just Rhymes.
-Ha…he singles to right. My tough love is working on the guy. “We see ya, Rhymes”, says Rod. Only if you look down, my friend.
-Raburn’s up. Rod says that Leyland feels that Ryan hits better lower in the lineup. He presses too much when batting ahead of Miguel. Good thing he’s hitting third today. Sigh.
-Raburn flies out.
-Cabrera quickly flies out to Granderson. TAKE PITCHES, YOU PRICKS!
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-Austin Kearns is a Yankee? Apparently so, as he leads it off. I think I met him when he was with Cincy during Spring Training years ago. I can’t be sure, though, due to my drinking problem.
-Kearns is called out looking. It was outside, but Avila did a great frame job on the pitch. Rod agrees with me.
-Ramiro Pena is A-Rod’s sub and is up next. Quite the drop off in production there.
-He hits an Armando/Jim Joyce grounder to first…OUT! Wow, that was a close one as Rick almost missed the bag. Pena made the classy move and didn’t run Porcello over…I expect Joe Girardi to fine him for that.
-Gardner’s up with two down. He works the count full and grounds out to second on another close play. Nice job by Rhymes. See? I’m fair. The little dwarf has a good glove.
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-They show a Braves/Nats highlight. There is like NO ONE in the stands in Atlanta…during a pennant race! Amazing. What happened to all those a-holes that used to fill that place and do that annoying chop thing?
-Johnny Damon leads it off. It was nice to see that the Yankee fans gave him a nice welcome back the other day. When did the NY fans become the classy ones and the Boston ones become the pricks? Those two World Series titles turned them people into some horrible folks.
-Johnny fouls out to Tex on a juggling circus-type catch. That was awkward.
-Peralta hits one in the gap…CJ and Gardner almost collide, but Granderson makes a great catch. Gardner wiped out something fierce on the play.
-Inge fouls one into the booth and Mario missed it. Even our announcers suck on defense.
-Brandon strikes out because he’s f-cking terrible. Here’s a picture of him sent in to me where he looks like he has AIDS.
-Happy, Rob? Ha.
-Jeter starts it off. So, what would the reaction in NY be if they don’t re-sign him in the offseason? And what’s the over/under on how many million the Yanks will overpay him with?
-Grounder up the middle, but Peralta takes care of it. One down.
-Teixiera singles up the middle and there goes the no-hitter. Damn. And I was hoping we’d make history with this post.
-Cano singles to right. Uh oh. Runners at the corners with one out.
-I Hate Nick Swisher comes up. 3 balls, 0 strikes. Rick’s falling apart.
-Base hit up the middle. I hate Nick Swisher.
TIGERS: 2, YANKEES: 1
-Rick Knapp heads to the mound. “Rick, you’re making your mother cry up in the stands. Knock it off.”
-The guy that used to be Jorge Posada comes up. We need one of those double plays that Rick was so good at inducing last year.
-Fly ball to Kelly in left. Two down.
-Granderson’s up. Sh-t. Base hit up the middle. I hate him…always have. Lynn Henning was right.
TIGERS: 2, YANKEES: 2
-Austin Kearns is next with runners at first and second again. It feels like Porcello’s thrown 70 pitches this inning.
-Kearns flies out to AJax. Phew.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-Random Commercial Thought: Imagine any of Sam Bernstein’s kids having sex. Ha…I’ll be here when you’re done getting sick.
-Welcome back. Alex Avila’s our leadoff man. Heaven help us.
-Alex’s beard is coming in nicely since his last at bat. Sadly, he’s still terrible at hitting a baseball and he strikes out.
-Speaking of being terrible at hitting a baseball, Don Kelly is next. Does he really need to wear those shades while batting? He has a hard enough time seeing the ball without them.
-He grounds out weakly to Cano.
-Jackson comes up with two outs. I wish I had a dollar for every time that’s happened this year.
-And he strikes out. Wish I had a buck for every time THAT’S happened, too.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-Random Commercial Thought: Putting Armando Galarraga in a Rahmani Eye Institute commercial was an interesting choice. He’s the only guy in the world that could sound more wooden than Ben Gordon.
-Pena grounds out to Wee Man for the first out. Little bastard’s been busy out there today.
-Gardner grounds out to, you guessed it, ‘Lil Will, for out number two.
-Jeter comes up as Rod sings along to Derek’s walk-up music. Yikes.
-Groundout to Miguel. Rick needed a quick inning there. I don’t feel like seeing Brad Thomas today.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-Rhymes swings at the first pitch (GODDAMMITTAKEAPITCHYOUMORONS) and flies out to center.
-Remember when Hughes was at 40 pitches early in the game? It’s the 6th, and I think he’s at around 50 now. I hate to constantly sound like a troll, but what exactly do our coaches do?
-Raburn’s next. Tongue hanging out still. They need to talk to him about that.
-Ryan strikes out. Water is wet. Sky is blue.
-Two down for Cabrera. If he sees a strike, Girardi should be fired.
-Pop out to short. Jeter cures cancer and then makes the play.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-That ugly prick Tex leads it off with a walk. Taking pitches…amazing what happens.
-Cano hits one to the gap. Kelly kicks it around and Teixiera scores from first. Cano gets a double.
YANKEES: 3, TIGERS: 2
-Nick Swisher draws a walk. My head hurts. Time to get a AAAA pitcher up in the pen.
-Oh, the rookies are up. Weinhardt and Schlereth. I’m sure that will turn out well.
-Posada’s corpse is up. How about a double play, Rick?
-3-0 pitch is singled to center. Cano scores, Swisher to third.
YANKEES: 4, TIGERS: 2
-Here comes The Marlboro Man. Seeya, Rick. Way to disappoint your family. They never wanted you, you know.
-Daniel Schlereth is in to probably walk Granderson. Boy, I was such a “glass half full” guy earlier in the season...amazing how quickly things can change.
-Granderson walks. Man, I hate always being right. Schlereth sucks.
-Cue Uncle Jimbo. Enter Robbie Weinhardt with the bases loaded. Someone hit the ominous music.
-Hey, Robbie has an ERA of 7.79. Good gawd. All of our kittens seem to have worms.
-Porcello is shown in the dugout and looks like he’s near tears. Dinner with the folks is gonna suck tonight.
-Kearns blasts one to center, off the wall. It’s a double and two more score.
YANKEES: 6, TIGERS: 2
-There are still no outs. I’m glad that I don’t own a gun.
-Second and third for Pena. He hits it back to Robbie for an out. Finally.
-Brett Gardner and his douchebag face is up next. Eddie Bonine’s throwing in the pen.
-Ball four gets away from Avila. Granderson scores. Mother of Satan…
YANKEES: 7, TIGERS: 2
-Avila should have had that one. First and third, one out, and Darth Vader is up. He’s the 9th batter so far this inning. My fingers are starting to hurt from typing.
-Gardner steals second on a pitch that Avila had to jump for. They must have quit teaching control to the pitchers in Toledo.
-Stealing with a five run lead? Isn’t that an unwritten rule violation? Bean Jeter!
-Jeter fouls off seventy pitches before tripling to center. F-cking sh-t.
YANKEES: 9, TIGERS: 2
-Enter Bonine. There is still only one out. My limit is 12 runs, kids. If they get that many, then I’m done.
-Nine runs on eight hits. Really?
-Teixeira is up. Leyland has the infield pulled in. What’s the point?
-Tex grounds out to Jhonny at short. Runner holds. Well, good move with the infield, Jim. I was wrong. You still suck.
-Cano launches one…gone to dead center. Come the f-ck on.
YANKEES: 11, TIGERS: 2
-Nine runs this inning. And now Swisher singles to right. This is torture.
-Ground ball by Posada to Rhymes…FINALLY the inning ends. Pass the Rolaids.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-11 runs, 10 hits, and only 4 left on base for New York. Sigh.
-Sergio Mitre is the new Yankee pitcher. Good move by Girardi to rest Hughes’ arm with the game in hand. Take notes on that, Jimbo.
-Johnny Damon leads it off wishing he would have taken the Yankees’ initial offer in the offseason. Johnny has a Yankee-like at bat working the count full and fouling off pitches. Then, he finishes with a Tiger-like at bat by striking out.
-Jhonny Peralta is up. The Yanks have retired twelve straight batters.
-Long drive…GONE! Homer to right center for Peralta. At least someone hasn’t quit yet.
YANKEES: 11, TIGERS: 3
-Inge swings at the first pitch, sigh, but manages to single to left.
-Avila comes up. He appears to be deciding between striking out and hitting into a double play. Yes, I’m getting more and more bitter.
-Fly ball to deep center…Grandy can’t catch it and it’s a double. Inge holds at third. Knees still hurting, Brandon? Jeez…I could have even scored on that.
-Two in scoring position for…Don Kelly. F-cking hell.
-Kerry Wood is up in the pen for New York. How the mighty have fallen.
-3-0 count becomes 3-2. Then Kelly swings and misses, not even close. Two down.
-Every day, thousands of people die. Why can’t Kelly be one of them?
-Too far? Sorry…
-AJax singles to center, Inge scores. Avila holds at third. Love ya, Austin.
YANKEES: 11, TIGERS: 4
-Mini-Larish is up. What was the reasoning behind letting Jeff go and holding on to this squirt again?
-Rhymes pops out to short center. Inning over.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-Raburn has moved to left. Boesch is in right. Kelly’s at first. I can only assume that Cabrera’s too embarrassed to play in this game anymore.
-Peralta has moved to third and Santiago’s at short. Hopefully that means that Brandon just got traded to the Cardinals. Knowing Dombrowski, he may have traded him for Nate Robertson.
-Granderson’s up trying not to laugh at his former team’s situation. He shows mercy and flies out to Jackson.
-Austin Kearns isn’t as nice as CJ and singles up the middle. Let the bleeding resume.
-Ramiro Pena comes up as the only Yankee without a hit. If A-Rod and Berkman were healthy today, the Yankees would have 20 runs by now.
-Pena pops out to third. Two down.
-Gardner’s up. They should hit him for stealing earlier. I’m in the mood for a brawl.
-Groundout to short. Inning over.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Raburn starts it off for Detroit. Fly ball to deep center…Grandy misses this one, too. Double for Raburn. That’s two straight that CJ’s missed that AJax would’ve caught. I’ll take my moral victories anywhere I can get them.
-Brennan Boesch makes his first appearance today. Actually, he really hasn’t made an appearance since the fist half.
-Base hit to center! Raburn scores. Nice job, Brennan. It’s a shame you couldn’t have started today, but Jim just HAD to get Donnie another start.
YANKEES: 11, TIGERS: 5
-We only have one less hit than the Yanks do today. Amazing.
-JD is up and flies out to left.
-Peralta likes to homer in pairs for us. Let’s see if he can do it again.
-Boone Logan’s up in the Yankee bullpen. Did Wood hurt himself again?
-Grounder to short…double play. Of course. Jhonny’s fitting in well with the team.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-A live shot of Central Park. Sadly, no drug deals or murders are able to be seen.
-Jose Valverde is in for the Tigers. Jim must feel that the team needs another injury.
-Somebody Nunez is making his major league debut for the Yanks pinch hitting for Jeter. Hey, not many guys get to say that.
-Nunez fouls out. Way to screw up a huge moment, kid.
-Teixiera lumbers up to the plate and flies out to Jackson.
-Valverde has a 8.53 ERA in the second half in 11 games. Yikes.
-Cano strikes out. Valverde does his little dance. We head to the ninth.
TOP OF THE NINTH
-Get out your rally caps! I would, but I already burned it in protest of Rhymes and Kelly starting in the same game.
-Brian Cashman and Joe Girardi would be found floating in the East River if they ever had guys like Rhymes and Kelly starting in the same game, no matter how many injuries the team had.
-Hey, the American government is going after Roger Clemens! That seems like something they should be doing instead of, you know, something that’s important.
-Little Ramon gets his first at bat. He draws a walk.
-It just occurred to me…Mitre’s still pitching. If he finishes this one out, he’ll get a save for this game for pitching the final three innings. Another reason why saves are overrated and stupid.
-Avila hits into a double play. He’s terrible.
-And it comes down to Don Kelly. Of course it does…could it have happened any other way?
-He’s not wearing his shades anymore. That means he’s serious.
-Serious or not, he still sucks. Kelly strikes out to end it. F-ck this season.
FINAL SCORE: YANKEES: 11, TIGERS: 5
If you missed this game, consider yourself lucky. Ugly stuff. Bowling shoe ugly.