Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dan Shaughnessy is an Idiot

Out of everyone in the Boston media, there is no one more recognizable than Dan Shaughnessy. He’s the originator of the whole “Curse” nonsense, you know. He likes to promote himself and he has really, REALLY bad hair, though he doesn’t seem to realize it. He thinks he’s funny, though he rarely is. He thinks he’s a big deal, though he really isn’t. He is the quintessential modern Red Sox fan, when you think about it. And he can’t BELIEVE that Johnny Damon isn’t foaming at the mouth at the chance to return to the ESPN Boston Red SAWX Nation!

Dan, keep it good and I won’t get medieval on you.

So it’s official: He really is an idiot.

Well, that didn’t take long.

/gloves come off after the jump

I say this with no malice and all due respect.

Of course not. Not you. By the way, you are a c-cksucker. No malice or disrespect meant.

“Idiot,’’ you must remember, was the title of Johnny Damon’s 2005 best-selling autobiography (a work often compared with Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina’’ and Dostoevsky’s “Notes From the Underground’’).

“The Curse of the Bambino” and “Reversing the Curse”, you must remember, were the titles of Dan Shaughnessy’s books where he gave real sports journalists a bad name with his babbling, self-serving nonsense and are often compared to toilet paper and “Mein Kampf”.

After the SAWX’s miracle 2004 comeback and World Series victory, with my Tigers in a constant state of suck, I had become fascinated with the Sox. I felt so happy for their long tortured fanbase, especially after their comeback against the Yankees. I purchased both “Idiot” and “Reversing the Curse”, as well as “Now I Can Die in Peace”, by Bill Simmons, and “Faithful”, by Stephen King and Stewart O’Nan. (I still highly recommend “Faithful” if you happen to see it in a bookstore.)

Then a sad thing happened. Since 2004, Boston fans have turned into bigger classless, loudmouthed, racist, entitled, jerkoff douchebag fans than Yankee fans ever were. Hypocrisy at its finest.

Johnny famously labeled the 2004 Red Sox champions “Idiots.’’ In Johnny’s world, “idiot’’ is a term of endearment.

That was a hell of a lot better than Kevin Millar’s “Cowboy Up” theme from the year before. Millar, unlike Damon, is still loved by Sawx fans despite bolting for division rivals Baltimore and Toronto after the ’04 season. “Anyone but da Yanks!”

Boston fans have incredible penis envy when it comes to New York…

That said, his decision to stay with the Tigers is downright idiotic . . . or there is some larger force at work.

Like…SATAN? Or...A CURSE?  Nooooooo! 

Indeed…why would ANYONE want to be in Detroit? It’s not nearly as cosmopolitan as Beantown! They don’t even show Tiger highlights on ESPN! WTF?

I keep playing this out in my head, and none of it makes any sense.

Other things that don’t make sense to Danny Boy:

Why does Bahbby Ryan have a hold on the premier Boston whor-ahs?

Why won’t Tahmmy Brady let me touch it…just once?

Why does my-ah fahkin’ employer insist that I be nice to the dahkies? Those people can’t read!

Why hasn’t Brian Scalabrine gotten more floor-ah time for the Celtics? He’s the hawrt and soul of the team!

Why isn’t Wes Welkah ranked highah than’a dat dahkie Randy Moss on wide receivah fantasy projections? Welkah is Gawd!

Why would Damon want to stay with the moribund Tigers when he had a chance to join the Red Sox for 5 1/2 weeks of stretch-run fun?

Especially with the, oh-so-wonderful, Boston media! You know…the kind of folks that had the balls to criticize Ted Williams, the greatest hitter ever, every day when he played?

Why try to keep hitting at cavernous Comerica Park when he could return to friendly Fenway?

Owa rats are biggah than your-ah rats!

Why play games that don’t matter when you can play games that still matter?

Sawx are done, dummy. You aren’t catching the Yankees or Rays. The Tigers have a better chance of catching the Twins in the Central. Hell, the Royals have a better chance of making the playoffs than Boston does.

It really makes me wonder how bad things got for him in Boston at the end, when he was negotiating for a new contract after the 2005 season.

You were there, weren’t you, Mr. Inside-dah? No one in their right mind would want to return to your ignorant fanbase the way they treated Damon.

Were the Sox that insulting?

First championship in 250 years. Plenty of cash around. Offer $12 million LESS than the Yankees did to the catalyst of your lineup. That’s pretty insulting.

Did they look Damon in the eye and tell him that they thought Coco Crisp was a better player?

Jahnny, the DAHKIE is-ah bettah than you! No one denies this!

Did John Henry, Tom Werner, and Larry Lucchino tell Damon he was lucky when he hit those two homers in Game 7 of the ALCS at Yankee Stadium? Did Shonda Schilling say something insulting about Michelle Damon’s scarves?

Actually, those c-nts supposedly really don’t like each other, now that you mention it.

Think about it: For the next five weeks, you could live in downtown Boston and your wife could shop on Newbury Street. Or you could live in downtown Detroit, amid the boarded-up buildings and the proverbial skeleton frames of burned-out Chevrolets. Is this really a tough call?

And there you go. What person in there right mind could read this without hoping that Shaughnessy somehow gets stuck with an AIDS-infected needle? What a f-cking asshole.

Really. Why wouldn’t Damon come back to Boston?

You tell me, you f-cking elitist prick.

Could it have been the booing? Let’s hope not, but if it was the booing that turned Damon off to Boston, then childish Sox fans get what they deserve. It was inane to boo a player who played 100 percent every day, delivered key hits in most of the big games at the end, and almost killed himself in service to the Red Sox when he collided with Damian Jackson during the 2003 ALDS.

It’s a shame that you lost me a while ago, because you finally just said something that makes sense.

Dan spends the next eight paragraphs kissing Johnny’s ass. Too little too late. I move on to the end…

Damon’s decision to eschew Boston hurts the Red Sox on and off the field. And we may never know the real reason.

Red Sox fans don’t deserve Johnny Damon. Despite his association with the anti-christ, Scott Boras, JD is known around the league as one of the nicest guys in baseball and an wonderful teammate. Even the jaded New York fans gave him a standing ovation upon his return to Yankee Stadium in a Detroit uniform.

Meanwhile, the Boston mouth-breathers booed him unmercifully after his return in 2005.

"Boo! New shirt! Traitor! Never mind our team’s lowball offer!”

And today, Johnny Damon is a very rich man. Johnny Damon has won multiple World Championships. All he has left is to play where he his happy. In Detroit, he’s looked up to by his young teammates like he’s a God. The fans have come to appreciate his hard play, ability to get on base, and team leadership. He’s playing for the most laid back, “player manager” in baseball today. The media, while annoying at times, are not the elitist pricks that you see in Boston and New York.

Johnny Damon is happy. He’s near the end of his career and after years under the microscope in Yankee-land and Red Sox Nation, he can finally just be himself and have fun. Why in the world would anyone, let alone Johnny Damon, give all of that up if he didn’t have to?

F-ck Boston. And f-ck you, too, Dan.


OldEnglish said...

"Why hasn’t Brian Scalabrine gotten more floor-ah time for the Celtics? He’s the hawrt and soul of the team!"

Ha. Well played.

Freetz said...

As a Tigers fan in Chicago, I'm still surprised when White Sox fans boo Magglio at every at bat even all these years after their cheapskate owner basically told him to take a walk when his contract expired. Fan idiocy on contract matters is not limited to the East Coast.

Dan said...

Man that comment about living in Detroit and burned out Chevy's was way over the line. If he had any he should lose all credibility with stuff like that. I mean seriously...

margaret smithson said...

This was good stuff, man. I sent him an (unprintable) email explaining what a douchebag he has become.

Thanks for the good column.

Thom said...

The lowball point kind of reminds me of Ben Wallace. He was the centerpiece of another '04 title team (and don't say Chauncey was, because our entire D was structured around Big Ben -- who posted the lowest D-rating in NBA history that season), who took a lot more money and went to a division rival. Some people were pissed when he left for Chicago, but how could you possibly blame him? It was the last big contract he was ever going to get, and he ultimately made $12 million more off of it. I feel like Damon -- like Wallace -- would've been accepted when he came back, but because the initial sentiment was SO much worse, he obviously had no desire to.