Friday, July 9, 2010

I Refuse to Bow Down to Our Overlords in Minnesota

More drivel from The Detroit News…

Here’s why Twins will top Tigers in AL Central

Sigh. You ever notice this? In Detroit and Cleveland, you have two cities that have been ravaged economically the past few years. They are both cities that are viewed by the majority of the country as depressing places to live. And in such times, people will often look to sports as a distraction. The difference is, in Cleveland the sports figures tend to be more depressing than said economy. See Art Modell, the Indians constantly letting their stars walk, LeBron James being a jackoff, etc. In Detroit, (other than the Lions) most of the doom and gloom seems to come from the legit media and their constant “sky is falling” journalism. But at least it’s not Lynn Henning this time.

(by) Josh Katzenstein

Katzenstein? Isn’t that where Borat’s from?

Living in Minnesota for the past 14 years,

/story loses all credibility

I've had a close look at the how the Twins play baseball

A. Rely on bad umpiring.
B. Slap ball onto concrete playing surface…wait for dumb luck to happen.
C. Rub catcher’s sideburns for luck.

and how their fans react to the only franchise in town with a championship.


Before embarking for a summer in Detroit,

Worst summer vacation spot ever.

I saw fans go crazy for a team that returned two recent MVPs

Not relevant to 2010.

as well as the majority of the same roster that won the 2009 American League Central Division title.

Ditto. Much changes in baseball in a year’s time.

Unfortunately Tigers fans, I've seen enough to think the Twins have a squad strong enough to retain the title in 2010. Here's why:

I’m a douche that is writing this article at least a month too early. The trade deadline and injuries could make everything I say here pointless.

Home field:

Detroit: 30-12 at home.
Minnesota: 26-17 at home.

You’re not off to a good start.

Recently, good teams have shown they can improve in the first year of a new ballpark. Last year's World Series champion Yankees are the first team to come to mind.

Good gawd. No. Good teams play well because they are good teams, not because they are in a new ballpark. You really think the Yankees won because they had a new yard and not because they are constructed like a fantasy team is?

I don't think the Twins are good enough to win the World Series, but the 2006 Cardinals also won it in Busch Stadium's first year,

Yep. It was the new stadium that pushed the Cards over the top. If it were old Busch, Detroit pitchers would have remembered how to play defense and every hitter not named Sean Casey would have remembered how to hit. Didn’t the Tigers also have like two weeks off waiting for a NL winner? Nah…it was the new ballpark.

which most Tigers fans probably already know.

Die in a church fire.

Twins fans have gone absolutely crazy for Target Field, claiming it's the best park of all time.

Well, hell, if Twins fans say it, sh-t. It must be true. Oddly enough, most people that have visited Pittsburgh’s recently new stadium tell me that it’s the nicest they’ve ever seen. HOW DO THE PIRATES LOSE IN SUCH A NICE BALLPARK?

While this probably is not true, they stand behind it as well as their team, which currently sits 1 ½ games behind the Tigers.

How is this possible? Comerica Park’s like ten years old. Detroit should be ten games back.

The Twins drew 40,328 fans for their July 4 game at Target Field, a 7-4 loss to the Rays. On the same day, only 24,899 showed up a Comerica Park.

One park’s been open three months. The other for ten years. One city is doing well financially. The other has been ravaged and unemployment is at ludicrous levels.

I've heard attendance was down because people celebrate the Fourth by going up north. Guess what? Minnesotans do the same thing.

I’ve heard that businesses get a tax write-off by hiring the mentally handicapped. Guess what? The Detroit News does the same thing.

Bullpens even:

When Joe Nathan went down for the season with a torn ligament in his throwing arm, the Twins' division title defense hopes took a big hit.

Not in the AL Central. We made the World Series with Todd Jones closing.

Jon Rauch doesn't approach Nathan's level among elite MLB closers, but he has been a formidable replacement, posting a 2.45 ERA and 19 saves to this point.

Jose Valverde: 0.97 ERA and 18 saves. Blow me.

Also, Jon Rauch looks like he drives a white, windowless van and hangs out outside of junior high schools. He is the creepiest mamma jamma I have ever seen.

The Tigers had a bullpen edge for most of the first half. But now with Joel Zumaya out, it's an even matchup.

Unless The Farns comes home! You can forget about it then.

Miguel Cabrera matches Justin Morneau but ...

Mig: .347 Avg, 21 HR, 73 RBI, 1.070 OPS
Justin: .345 Avg, 18 HR, 56 RBI, 1.055 OPS

I think Mr. Cabrera has more than matched your Canadian hero. Dick.

The Twins' second-best player is the reigning AL MVP.

Again, 2009 does not impact 2010. Quit living in the past. Remember your new stadium? Live in the now, brother!

A .301 average for Joe Mauer is a slump,

A three month slump? You sound like a Tiger fan defending Brandon Inge. Can you explain why he only has four homers this year? Methinks Mr. Mauer might not be Superman after all…

but I can guarantee no team wants to face him in the waning weeks of a playoff race.

Personally, I’m more scared of Thome, Morneau, and Span.

Both lineups are impressive, but down the stretch, Morneau and Mauer are just too strong a force for most teams to deal with.

Miguel Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, and Brennan Boesch do not fear your M&M pricks.

A growing year for Young:

I miss Dmitri.

When I heard Delmon Young

Oh. That Young.

was among five players vying for the AL's 2010 All-Star Final Vote, I laughed.

Me, too. It's complete bullsh-t.

Delmon Young: .306, 10, 57, .846 OPS
Brennan Boesch: .341, 12, 47, .991 OPS
Magglio Ordonez: .308, 10, 52, .858 OPS

Our boys got hosed. But you don’t mention that.

I truly enjoyed giving my friends a hard time about effectively trading an ace in Matt Garza to the Rays for someone who had not proven his talent in Young.

You did? But I thought you were a Twins guy? Color me confused.

Also, let’s not forget that the Twins also foolishly included Jason Bartlett in that deal. Wait. You did forget.

Since I left, though, Young has been on fire, hitting .320 in June. He already has 57 RBIs, too, just three shy of his 2009 total of 60.

Boesch kills Young in most catagories. But if you truly want to keep living the past, how about Magglio? He has already surpassed his 2009 home run total and is just TWO RBI short of last year’s mark. So there.

Cliff Lee would seal it:

Cliff Lee would play once every five days. He wouldn’t seal sh-t.

I would be surprised to see the Twins land Cliff Lee,

The thought does give me nightmares, though.

but the only place the Tigers currently have an unquestioned edge is at the top of the rotation.

JV is the only Tiger you’re willing to give props to. Well, Justin is quite intimidating.

If the Twins had to identify an ace today, it would have to be Francisco Liriano. And although he has 116 strikeouts and a 3.32 ERA, he's just 6-6.

Motherf-cker…again with this bull. Let’s do a simple comparison.

Fictional Pitcher A is 6-6 with a 3.32 ERA.
Fictional Pitcher B is 11-4 with a 5.13 ERA.

Pitcher A is not a worse pitcher because of his W-L record. Maybe he’s had some bad defense behind him. Maybe the team can’t score runs. Maybe I shouldn’t have to explain this to anyone over the age of six.

Dammit, you just made me defend Francisco Liriano. I feel dirty.

Give me Justin Verlander's experience, 99-mph fastball and 10-5 record to this point every day of the week.

Ditto, except for the experience part. He's not Andy Pettitte, you nimrod. But I also like Cabrera over Morneau, Boesch/Ordonez, over Young, and Valverde over any closer in the game right now.

I am willing to give you Mauer over Laird, though. You're welcome.

Lee, though, would give the Twins a true ace (8-3, 2.34 ERA) and move everyone in their rotation down. In a heated division race, a three-game matchup of Lee-Verlander, Liriano-Jeremy Bonderman and Scott Baker-Max Scherzer looks like at least two wins for the Twins.

Lee/JV would be a toss-up depending on the day. Scherzer is pitching better than anyone on the Twins right now. But Bondo, I’ll give you that one. He sucks. So, it looks 1-1 with a toss-up. Plus don’t count Detroit out of adding another starter. Dave Dombrowski is a crafty bastard.

I hear Jarrod Washburn is available.

And if the Tigers can't beat the Twins down the stretch, it could be a disappointing 2010 season for Tigers fans.

And if the Twins can’t beat the Tigers down the stretch…Brett Favre!

I hate Minnesota.


Rob said...

You, sir, are a poet.

jorge said...

That was miraculous. Start adding more advanced stats and you'll be at Fire Joe Morgan levels of greatness. One minor quibble, though: there's a typo towards the end. You accidentally included "crafty" before the word bastard.

Anonymous said...

There seems to be a team missing from this discussion. You know, the one that has surpassed the Twins in the standings and is 1/2 game behind Los Tigres. Yeah, the White Sox. They're about to make the entire Twins vs Tigers argument an exercise in predicting 2nd and 3rd place.

Anonymous said...

hahaha how cute. like the sox are going to keep that up, especially after Peavy is lost for the season.

Jerold said...

Awesome. You are a new and refreshing voice on the scene.

I especially enjoy the info on the right margin. I have never heard of this Nate Robertson, and I am still puzzled as to why one team would pay a guy $10 million to pitch for another team. But then I realized that it's because they might face each other in the World Series.

allthewine said...

why was this in the detroit rags????? thank you for exposing it for what it was.

Anonymous said...

That piece reads like it was written by a summer intern for free. Turns out it was! Dude was at University of Minnesota this time last year.