Sunday, June 6, 2010

Your 2010 Detroit Tigers Summer Shopping Guide

Quick Site News Note: On the right, I've added a "Search" function, as well as a list of what dumb tags I have used in the past (after the links and such). This way, you can relive my brilliance a bit easier if you get bored or were perhaps a bit late to the party. Warning: if you think I suck now, some of the stuff from early on is even more brutal. I'll attempt to clean it up a bit over time, but I am quite lazy/busy. As always, thanks for reading. Anyhoo...

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of stupid Detroit Tigers junk there is available for purchase on the internet. Today, Your Party Host has spent hours (about two) scouring the web for stuff that I can't imagine anyone ever buying. If you own ANY of this nonsense, do me a favor: walk in front of a bus. Your priorities are not in order and you may be a danger to society.

Here we go.
Fender Flair Purse: $317.00 from It is embellished with hundreds of Swarovski crystals, is velvet lined, and comes with a 21 inch crystal embellished leather handle. I don't know what any of that means, either. Guys, if your girlfriend or wife asks you for this, you have made a very poor choice in a life-partner and should start running now. A $300 Tigers purse...sigh, and it's one of the more sensible items on today's list.

More after the jump...

Team Watch-Pro Trainer Series: $114.99 from This looks like one of the $10 watches I had as a kid, to be honest with you. They actually list the fact that it keeps the time, date, and day of week as a function. Holy sh-t! But it's a stopwatch, too! For $115. Yikes. But this isn't anything...

Legend Series Watch: $1549.00 from In the description, they say "stainless steel" four different times. The price of steel has apparently gone up, my friends.

SOLD OUT Team Logo On Ass Jeans from I really hope they get these back in stock so I can see what girls with low self-esteem and a Brandon Inge fetish are paying for these jeans that compliment their two-sizes-too-small Tigers tank top.

Autographed Nate jersey: $200.00 from What better way to say "Ya know, I really appreciate overpaid, mediocre athletes" than by having this beauty mounted on your living room wall? Sigh...I do miss Nate a bit, though. I had more to write about when he was in town. (Still waiting for a Nate post, Blake.)

Tigers Bikini: $39.99 from I actually have no problem with this one whatsoever. I only added this one for two reasons. One, to point out that if I ever see a halfway decent looking girl wearing this, I would probably immediately hand over my wallet, testicles, and control of my life, and two, I wanted Mr. Cosey to see what the wife is going to be asking for on Christmas this year. Ha.

Graphic Tee: $39.99 from When exactly is the "Affliction" type shirt fad going to end? Ten years from now, the next generation of date rapists are going to be laughing at the go-to outfit of the douchebags of 2010. Or maybe I'm just getting old...

Next, I'm going to show you a series of the ugliest hats I've ever seen. Keep in mind, there are dozens of these things out there that if caught wearing, I'd have to beat my own ass. These are just a few of the worst offenders.

Those babies range from $25.99-$37.99 at I wish you well in your drug dealing career if you own any of them.

Pool Table: $2249.99 from Oh, and in the fine print, they charge you $700.00 for delivery. Ha...sucker. I wish I had the kind of money where I'm just searching for dumb crap to blow it on.

And that leads me to the final item on today's list. This is by far the weirdest, most expensive, moronic purchase I can imagine.

Glass regulation bat: $9499.99 from If you have the gall to spend $10,000 on a glass baseball bat, please break it for me and stab yourself in the neck with one of the pieces.

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