Tonight, our Jeckyll and Hyde Detroit Tigers are trying to avoid being swept by the red-headed stepchild of New York baseball teams, the Mets. Armando Galarraga’s 15 minutes of fame over his imperfect game is about up as he takes the mound for D-Town. The Mets counter with Hisanori Takahashi. Armando Galarraga vs. Hisanori Takahashi? This may be a major league record for the longest names facing each other as starting pitchers. As Casey Stengel said, “You could look it up.” But I don’t have time for that…I’m Keeping Score.
/apologies for the cheesy intro
TOP OF THE FIRST
-Will someone please tell Rod Allen that his new glasses make him look like Steve Urkel? It’s been bothering me for a week.
-Mario says it’s a “sultry” night in New York. Sexy, Mario. Sexy.
-Takahashi has an ERA under 1.00 against AL teams. We’re either going to beat up on him or get shut out. There never seems to be any in-between.
-Austin Jackson leads off, barely still over .300. The count goes full and AJax draws the walk. Nice start.
-Batting second is Ryan Raburn? Sigh. Oh well, at least he’s not third. F-ck you, Jim Leyland. I kid…I’m still on Raburn’s side. Unlike you jerks that have all jumped ship on him. He started slow last year, too…remember that.
-Raburn singles to left on an 0-2 pitch to make me look good. Good boy, Ryan.
-Future All-Star snub, Magglio Ordonez is up. He strikes out on a pitch in the dirt, but AJax and Raburn pull off a double steal. Second and third, one out.
-And here comes Big Mig. Argh…he’s swinging at crap in the dirt, too. It’s quickly 0-2. But Cabrera recovers to take one to the warning track…AJax and Raburn tag up and Jackson scores.
TIGERS: 1, METS: 0
-Two down for Brennan Boesch, the one-man crime spree. Yes, I’m still working on a nickname that I enjoy for him.
-Boesch pops up to end the inning.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-RANDOM COMMERCIAL NOTE: I hope that whoever is in charge of making the Little Caesars commercials is one day eaten by sharks. So annoying…every damn one of them.
-Oh, no. Armando shaved his stubble. He looks like a lesbian again.
-Jose Reyes leads off. I made the comment yesterday that I would burn down an orphanage if it meant the Tigers somehow acquiring him. I stand by that statement.
-Reyes has cool looking cornrows. Jeff Larish and especially Will Rhymes do not.
-Armando loses this attempt at a perfecto by walking Jose. Blame the ump!
-Jesus Feliciano is up next. Mario said he has spent 12 years in the minors before getting the call up. Leyland would have him hitting cleanup.
-He pops out to Worthless at short. One down.
-David Wright, the Jeter of the Mets, steps in. He leads the NL in RBI, says Mario. Not this time, as he pops out to Raburn who somehow manages not to drop it. Two outs.
-Ike Davis is the cleanup hitter for the Mets. Davis has been more like Ike Turner lately, beating the hell out of the baseball. I’m sorry.
-Fly ball to center…AJax makes it look harder than it should have been, but three are down. 6-7-and 8 are coming up for Detroit. Where are my Rolaids?
More fun ‘n’ games after the jump…
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Special Little Guy is the leadoff man. He’s up to .263 and they tell us that Brandon’s knees still aren’t 100%. I’m sure that’s why the bastard still can’t hit a breaking ball.
-Reyes with a diving catch, the throw…SAFE! Wow…we got a break there. Brandon was out by a step. Armando’s laughing his dick off in the dugout at Takahashi…not really. Class act, that Armando.
-Gerald Laird hasn’t been released yet and steps in. Thank goodness the Gerald Laird, #2 hitter experiment ended after one game.
-Laird pops out to center on a pitch a foot outside. Sigh. One down.
-Danny Worth is up. GET US A F-CKING SHORTSTOP, DAVE!
-Holy crap, Worth takes one to the wall for a double. Brandon and his gimpy knees stop at third.
-Argh, stupid NL rules. Armando is up with two guys in scoring position. He looks Inge-tastic swinging and missing at the first two pitches by a mile. Plus his batting helmet doesn’t fit and keeps falling in his eyes. That’s just too funny.
-Strike three looking. Two down.
-AJax is up in need of a big hit. Instead, he takes a big sh-t and lines out to first. Damon should be starting when we’re in this tight of a race…not Jackson. Again, stupid NL rules. I hate interleague when we’re not playing Pittsburgh or Washington at home.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Jason Bay starts it for the Mets. He’s been quite the waste of cash for NY so far. He flies out to center.
-Jeff Francoeur quickly gets down 0-2. Two pitches, Armando gets his first K. Rogo like.
-Henry Blanco is up with two down. I’m not sure, but I believe Blanco is 75 years old. Oops, Mario says he’s only 38…my bad. Blanco pops out to Worth, inning over.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-They show Justin Verlander in the dugout talking to Don Kelly. No, Justin! Get away! He’ll get some of his suck on you!
-Raburn leads off. Raburn’s tongue is hanging out…can’t we get him a mouthpiece?
-Rod is talking about guys on Leyland’s staffs that have gone on to manage and says that McClendon will get another shot at managing someday. If it’s in Detroit, I’m going to hang myself 10 minutes after the announcement.
-Full count to Ryan….draws the walk. See, people? Ryan’s not as terrible as you say he is.
-Maggs is….HOME RUN! Number ten! MI MAGGLIO! Suck it, New York!
TIGERS: 3, METS: 0
-Cabrera grounds out.
-If Maggs doesn’t get Comeback Player of the Year, I will weep.
-The Mighty Boesch says “enough of this taking pitches bullcrap” and quickly singles to right. Well, if it keeps working, kid.
-Inge is up. He loses his grip and the bat goes flying into the crowd. Hey, Brandon’s letting the old guy that caught it keep the bat. How nice. Brandon walks.
-First and second, one out, but it doesn’t matter. We’re at the Laird, Worth, Galarraga portion of our lineup. So, I’m going to close my eyes and hum “One” by Metallica until the inning is over.
-Laird grounds into a double play. Of course he does. F-CKING RELEASE HIM!
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-Ruben Tejada leads off. Never heard of him. Then again, I watch approximately one NL game per year, if I’m lucky.
-Mario says the Mets have a boatload of good shortstop prospects. That must be nice.
-Tejada flies out to right. One down.
-The Twins lost again! God bless Prince Fielder’s fat ass! How is he so big without eating meat?
-Takahashi is up. He grounds out to Worth…that was close. Luckily, Jim Joyce isn’t working this game. Harf.
-Reyes is up and I imagine we’ll walk him again. It’s safer that way.
-The first four pitches have been balls, but Jose has swung and missed at two of them. He ends up popping out to Worth who calls off Inge at the last second. That almost got ugly.
-Three innings…no hits. Armando couldn’t possibly…naw.
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-Worthless leads off for the Tigers. I may be being too hard on Danny. No, I’m right. He pops out to center.
-Armando’s up. They still haven’t given him a batting helmet that fits. Is this a joke that we’re not in on? Oh well, strike three.
-Two down for Austin. He strikes out looking. Nothing to see here.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-The Mets send Feliciano up to lead off the 4th. Dammit, Boesch completely Raburns up a fly ball hit to him and Feliciano has a feliz navidad and gets a double. Goodbye, no-hitter. Don’t blame me, please.
-David Wright’s up. He singles to left and the runner stops at third. Not a good start to the inning here, to say the least.
-Ike Davis steps in. Ground ball…4-6-3 double play, but the run scores. Two down.
TIGERS: 3, METS: 1
-The Artist Formerly Known as Jason Bay comes up looking depressed. Ugh, Armando walks him.
-Rick Knapp stumbles out to yell at Galarraga. Armando has a look on is face like he just got grounded and can’t go with his friends to the zoo. Or the lesbian bar…whatever.
-Next pitch, the guy that used to be with the Braves grounds out to Inge. Inning over.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-Raburn starts it off and….GONE! Raburn’s getting hot, you pricks! When will you all start listening to me? I’m ALWAYS right!
TIGERS: 4, METS: 1
-Magglio follows with a single. I heart him.
-Cabrera continues to swing at pitches nowhere near the plate the count gets to 3-2. Line drive, base hit to left. Boesch or Inge really needs to get them in.
-The Killer B (still trying) comes up. Rod says he has “mad skills”. Indeed, Urkel. Indeed.
-3-2 count on Boesch. Ball four on a borderline pitch. Bases loaded and the 35 year old rookie from Tokyo will be done for today.
-Elmer Dessens is apparently still alive and enters the game for the Mets.
-There’s a double switch and Chris Carter is in right field. Who the f-ck is Chris Carter?
-Rod tells us that 6 of the 7 runners that Dessens has inherited this year have scored. Good. Bring him in with the bases loaded. Did Leyland make this call?
-Inge has a 3-1 count…sit on the fastball, dummy. Way inside, ball four. Run scores.
TIGERS: 5, METS: 1
-Dammit, Laird’s up. If he hits into a double play, I’m killing a puppy.
-Laird hits a pop up to short right, one down. Too shallow to score the run. I hate him more than childhood cancer.
-Worth is up with Armando on deck. C’mon, Danny. This at bat will decide your fate with me here at the DNR. Will I want you dead like Don Kelly or somehow find excuses for everything you do wrong like I did for Josh Anderson? Make your choice.
-Double play ball…Worth beats the throw! Two down, but an RBI. We’ll call it a stalemate for now, Danny. At least you didn’t K.
TIGERS: 6, METS: 1
-Armando is up to strike out. Make it quick, kid. Yup. Strike three. NL style baseball is stupid.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-Henry Blanco leads off the fifth for NY. He grounds out to Inge to start the inning.
-Tejada’s next. He taps back to Armando for the second out. Excellent.
-Chris Carter is up for his first at bat. He flies out to Boesch to end the inning. Brennan looks so awkward out there, still.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-RANDOM COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: These “kaboom” Arby’s commercials are so f’n annoying , that I think they were come up with by the same jackoff think tank that Ilitch has making his Little Caesars ones.
-Top of the order for Detroit to start it off. AJax quickly grounds out to second.
-Raburn singles to center. Sweet. I’m done gloating.
-Rod says that Boesch’s hot bat has kept Don Kelly out of the lineup. Boesch immediately becomes one of my top five favorite players of all time.
-Magglio hits into a double play. Yeah, he does that from time to time.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-Ramon Santiago takes over at second for Raburn. Obviously, Leyland was worried that we were going to score too many runs today and should get the hot bat out of the game. Is Santiago’s defense really going to be a difference maker in a five run game? Sometimes, I secretly suspect that Jim is on the Twins’ payroll.
-Reyes draws a walk to lead off the inning.
-The White Sox have won nine straight. That makes me sick to my stomach. At least I respect the Twins.
-Feliciano singles to right and Reyes takes third. We’d better get Coke or somebody up.
-David Wright is next. He continues the hit parade with an RBI double to left field.
TIGERS: 6, METS: 2
-Second and third for Davis as Rick Knapp comes out to stall for time. Thomas and Bonine are throwing in the pen. Why hasn’t Thomas been DFA’d yet?
-Ike fouls one off of Laird’s face. Sadly, G-Money is fine.
-Davis somehow takes a ball a foot inside and grounds out to short. Run scores.
TIGERS: 6, METS: 3
-Jason Bay bloops a single to center and AJax almost throws Wright out at home…but he doesn’t. This sucks. Didn’t matter…Laird dropped the throw and wasn’t blocking the plate properly, anyhow. Avila would have caught it.
TIGERS: 6, METS: 4
-Armando skips one up there and Bay has a brain fart. Laird throws him out as he runs into an easy play. Two down.
-Whoever pinch hit for the pitcher flied out to end the inning. Typing in real time isn’t as easy as you think it is, dammit.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-RANDOM COMMERCIAL NOTE: If you’re in my viewing area, you get a local spot for Sidelines Sports Eatery. At the end of the commercial, there’s a blonde with huge fake boobs. I have given her jobs at three places now so I take credit for paying for those bad boys. And yes, they’re magnificent. Ha. Come in and visit.
-Now that I’ve gotten being a pig out of the way, Miggy Smalls will start off the 7th against Bobby Parnell, the new Mets pitcher. He strikes out.
-Das Wonder Boeschen comes up next. Brennan goes the other way (!) and singles to left. Is there anything he can’t do (other than play defense)?
-Binge is up with a single and two walks tonight. What’s up with that? Trying to make it hard to pick on you, little buddy?
-Mario says that Brandon blames his knees for his slow start to the year. It’s always something, isn’t it, Brandon? Whiny prick.
-Inge strikes out. My knees! No!
-Two down for Laird. He strikes out. Didn’t see that one coming. Sigh.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-Fast Eddie Bonine’s in the game for Detroit. He’s continued to have a career year in 2010 and just had a baby boy the other day. Congrats, Eddie! Horrible name choice, though. Braden? Should’ve gone with Brennan.
-Blanco starts off for New York by striking out. Nice.
-Tejada’s next and Bonine hits him. Dammit. Hit Reyes or Wright…not freaking Tejada.
-Runner on first for Carter. Rod brings up Game 163 and Inge’s non hit batter call just to open an old wound. Be quiet, Urkel! Now I know how Laura felt.
-Eddie throws one to the backstop that Laird should have blocked. Runner advances to second. Urge to kill…rising.
-Phil Coke is throwing in the pen now as Carter singles to right and the run scores. F-ck.
TIGERS: 6, METS: 5
-Jose Reyes is up and pops up to left…it falls in! Dammit, why was Boesch playing so deep? Ugh.
-First and second, one out, and it looks like Bonine’s going to be done. Double switch time. Coke’s coming in to pitch…no word on the other change.
-Today’s pain in the ass, Jesus Feliciano, is up. Avila’s catching now to complete the double switch. We really need a double play ball.
-Slow roller…Santiago double pumps, infield single. Good defensive sub, Jim. That should have been an out. Great, Wright is coming up now. And Coke’s staying in?
-Rod says Leyland doesn’t want to watch as the count reaches 2-0. You mean he actually watches the games at other times?
-Coke comes back and gets a BIG strikeout on the NL RBI leader. Welcome back to New York, Phil. Shove it up their ass. One more to go.
-Ike Davis is up for the Mets with two down and the bases loaded. He’s killing lefties, but Jim keeps Coke in. Ike hits it deep…but AJax tracks it down. Phew, inning over. I’m going to have a heart attack.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Ryota Igarashi is the new Met pitcher. Danny Worth leads off for Detroit. If he swings at anything before getting two strikes, I’m going to riot. Igarashi has a lot of walks.
-Worth flies out on what have been the third straight ball and makes me want his head on the end of a spear. One out. It’s called a take sign, Jim. Give it once in a while.
-Avila comes up for his first at bat. Alex swings at 3-1 on what would have been ball four. Grrrr…
-Ball four, anyway. Hooray, a baserunner!
-AJax is up and really needs a hit. Like a fat kid needs cake. But he’s quickly down 0-2 and looks lost up there. This is not good.
-Strike three looking. Sigh.
-Two down for Little Ramon as Joel Zumaya throws in the bullpen. Ramon strikes out on a fastball right down the middle that Raburn probably would have hit 400 feet. End of inning.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-Zoom’s in the game to face Jason Bay. Bay takes one to the warning track, but Magglio pulls it in. One down.
-Fernando Tatis is up to pinch hit for the pitcher. Tatis is another Met that I believe is in his 70’s. Is Julio Franco still around, too? He quickly grounds out to Worth.
-Blanco singles to center to extend Tiger fan suffering a bit more.
-Ruben Tejada flies to left…drops in front of Boesch playing too deep again. Dude! It’s Ruben f’n Tejada! Why are you so deep? First and second, two outs, and I think I have a bleeding ulcer.
-Carter hits a fly ball…to left, of course, but Mr. Boesch pulls this one in to my amazement.
TOP OF THE NINTH
-Fernando Nieve is the new Met pitcher facing Maggs. Ordonez hits a four foot ground ball and the catcher throws him out.
-Big Mig steps up and promptly singles to right.
-A new pitcher will be coming in to face Boesch. Pedro Feliciano is in. Another Feliciano?
-Brennan greets him with a bullet down the left field line! They stop Magglio at third and Boesch has a double! Higgy 2.0 is my hero.
-Second and third and they’re going to intentionally walk Inge to my amusement. Carlos Guillen will hit for Zumaya with the bases loaded, one out.
-Dammit, Carlos…6-4-3 double play. I hate this team, sometimes. Bring on The Big Potato.
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
-Sure enough, Jose Valverde has entered the game to attempt to save the day for the Tigers. He’ll face the top of the Mets order.
-Don Kelly is in there in left. I can’t believe it, but I’m actually relieved to see him for once. Brennan needs some outfield practice before he can be trusted in the ninth out there.
-Valverde had better make the All-Star team. He’s been amazing this year and NONE OF YOU WANTED HIM! Pricks!
-Jose Reyes and his ugly (ha!) cornrows lead off. Fly ball to center and AJax puts it away. One down.
-Feliciano flies out to Kelly who cut in front of Jackson to make the catch. Ball hog. Two down.
-On your feet, people! Oh, wait. Sorry.
-David Wright is the last Met hope. But Papa Grande pisses on the hopes and dreams of Met fans and strikes him out! Dance, fatty! Dance! Tigers win!
FINAL SCORE: TIGERS: 6, METS: 5
Whew, that was a close one. We’re only a ½ game behind the Twins. Bring on the Braves and that annoying chop thing they do.
Do they still do that?