So, Scotty Sizemore and Mad Max are off to Toledo and Armando and Danny Worth are on the big club? Armando, I get. Scherzer needs to figure himself out in the minors. He’s been an abortion so far in Detroit after a decent start to the year. And Sizemore is sucking more than people thought he would at the dish. But bringing up Danny Worth? Worth-less is more like it. (Zing.) That’s the best we have down there? We already have Little Ramon and my bff, Don Kelly, as infield backups. Why can’t my man, Jeff Larish, get some love? At least that way we’d have a power bat off the bench.
I swear, Double D must have some secret cloning device where he takes bland white guys that can’t hit and just keeps cloning them over and over. Clete, Kelly, Worth, Rhymes, Wells…where does it end?
And when Mr. Glass gets off the DL, he’s the new second baseman. Believe it or not, I like this idea. He can’t be any worse on D than Sizemore was. And we know Carlos will hit better than him. Best of all, The Mighty Boesch gets to keep his job.
On to today’s game. I’m kind of scared to do this one. Boston always seems to kill us. Last night was a miracle. And it’s mega-millionaire John Lackey on the mound for the Sawx against our returning bull lesbian-looking starter, Armando Galarraga. If Armando lasts three innings, I’m claiming moral victory.
Let’s play the Feud!
TOP OF THE FIRST
-Have you texted in and voted for Brandon Inge to be player of the game? Well, why not? Who needs to watch the game to vote for Brandon? Geez.
-Already, Rod is saying that Armando’s troubles are about confidence and getting his swagger back. I think actually having a speck of pitching ability might help him, too.
-Marco Scutaro is up first for the Sawx. He walked on four pitches. Is it too early to start drinking?
-Jeremy Hermida is next. He flies out to center fielder…Don Kelly? ARRRRGH! Jim! Kelly’s the center fielder? You’re killing me…
-JD Drew is up with one down. Snap throw to fist by Avila just misses Scutaro. Bad throw…he should have had him. But we’re used to defensive uh-ohs, aren’t we, kids?
-Rod: “For those of you that don’t remember Galarraga…” Really, Rod?
-Full count to Drew. Ball four, way outside. I don’t feel well.
-Rick Porcello’s arch enemy, Kevin Youkilis, steps up licking his chops. He slices one to right and The Mighty Boesch makes a sliding catch. Two down. Strange outfield lineup for the Tigers, today.
-David Ortiz’s corpse steps in with two down. Armando strikes him out looking. Amazing.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-Damon’s our leadoff hitter today in Leyland’s weird lineup. I’m surprised it’s not Kelly. JD draws a walk on five pitches. He might end up leading the league in walks this year.
-Little Ramon is batting second. I thought Magglio was going to kill him last night when he didn’t head to first after the game-winning walk. And now I consider killing Ramon as he strikes out looking.
-Today’s DH, Magglio Ordonez, steps up. He has good career numbers against Lackey. Maggs lines into a double play. Sigh.
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Holy thunder! Mike Lowell’s still alive and leading off for the BoSawx. He smacks a 2-2 pitch to Special Little Guy for the fist out.
-Speaking of guys that I thought were dead, Jason Varitek is up. It’s a free agent year again for him, so he’s hitting well. Did Leyland and Francona both get together today and agree to start their “B” lineups?
-Tek flies out to right. Two down.
-Bill Hall is up. Wonder if he hates playing in racist Boston yet? Armando strikes him out. “WHY IS THIS DAHKIE STAHTING FAH PEDROIAH! PEDROIAH IS AH-WA NEW NO-MAHH! FAHK YOU, TITO! CAN’T BELECHIK COACH DA SAWX?” I hate Boston fans more than Yankee fans at this point.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Big Mig leads it off. He gets to a full count and draws a walk.
-Brennan Boesch is up. Think he’ll take a pitch? Nope…flies out to right on the first pitch. Don’t get predictable, kid.
-Binge is up, hitting .229. What’s the excuse this year, Brandon fans? Text me your answer. I know you guys love to text.
-Brandon has swung and missed on two pitches where it doesn’t even look like he’s watching the ball. Holy crap…Miguel takes off for second? Jim, you never learn. At least Brandon fouled it off.
-Full count and Miguel takes off again! Inge pops up to second.
-Two down for our #7 masher, Don Kelly. Just to spite me, he singles to left field. Rod immediately starts gushing about how smart Kelly is. Stephen Hawking is smart. Let him hit 7th.
-A shaved ape in a Tiger uniform is next. Oh, nope, it’s Avila. He’s 0 for his last 13. When does this experiment end? I bet Scott Sizemore wishes his dad was in the front office.
-Another full count for Lackey. At least they’re making him throw pitches. Crowd seems very dead in Detroit for a standing room only one. Ball four. Nice at bat for the kid.
-Bases loaded for the major league debut of Danny Worth. C’mon, cookie cutter untalented white guy!
-He hits an “oops” grounder to first. Ump screws up the call and Worth gets an infield RBI single. Congrats, kid. Oh, replay shows the Lackey missed the base covering. You got lucky, son.
TIGERS: 1 SAWX: 0
-Johnny Damon’s up with them loaded. Lackey’s up to 48 pitches already. Justin Verlander nods his head in understanding.
-Now, the crowd perks up for a full count. Ball four! Johnny’s eye is amazing. And none of you dicks wanted him.
TIGERS: 2 SAWX: 0
-Francona’s out arguing the call for some reason. The ball was a foot outside. Lackey’s upset, too. Morons.
-Santiago pops out on the first pitch. Way to pay attention and work the count, Ramon.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-Johnathan Van Every leads off. Really? That’s his name? Imagine an annoying Boston accent yelling that name.
-Van Every breaks up the no-no by singling to left. Damon sucks at defense and falls down. Van Every takes second. Guess it’s a double.
-Scutaro is up. Rod says he plays baseball the “right way” and will look to advance the runner. That is, as opposed to Don Kelly, who plays baseball the horrible way.
-Marco makes a liar out of Rod and grounds out to third. Ha.
-One out for Hermida. He gets to a full count and…crap. RBI double for Hermida.
TIGERS: 2 SAWX: 1
-JD Drew is up and quickly strikes out. I have to give it to Armando. He’s doing better than I thought he would.
-Yankees are currently beating Minnesota 2-1. Go Yankees!
-Two down for Youk. Hit him, Armando! Do it for Kid Rick!
-Pop up to right. End of inning.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-We begin with the guy that EVERYONE (except me) said was done, Magglio Ordonez. He currently has more hits than any other #3 hitter in baseball. Eat it, a-holes.
-Single to right. See?
-Cabrera fouls out on the first pitch. Boesch had better take a pitch this time.
-Nope. Brennan doesn’t get paid by the hour, but he gets it past Youkilis for a single and Maggs takes third. If Inge hits into a double play…everybody dies.
-Geez, he swings at the first pitch, too, and fouls it off.
-54% of the time, Boesch has swung at the first pitch so far. Yikes. Well, it’s working, I guess. Still, I think Johnny Damon needs to sit these guys down and give a lecture on the art of taking a pitch or two.
-Diving catch by Scutaro. To second for one, to first…called safe! RBI fielder’s choice. INGE FOR PLAYER OF THE GAME! START TEXTING!
TIGERS: 3 SAWX: 1
-Inge looked out on the replay. I’m not gonna complain, though…this time.
-Kelly quickly flies out to left because he’s terrible. End of inning.
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-Big Papi lumbers up to the dish to start it off. This guy, along with Manny Ramirez, were the biggest parts in turning this epic losing franchise around. And the Sawx nation has turned on both of them. Reason #2034 why I hate Sawx fans.
-Speaking on guys that Sawx fans turned on, Ortiz flies out to Damon. Think Tiger fans will boo Granderson or Polanco if they ever come back to town? Screw your “rivalry”, Sawx fans. They brought you your first championship in close to 100 years. Dicks. Chew your Copenhagen, flex your arms when girls walk by, play P.O.D. on the jukebox, order your grape bombs, and don’t tip your bartender. Classy group, you guys are.
-Mike Lowell grounds out to second on the first pitch. Armando’s cruising…you go, girl.
-Varitek strikes out.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-Avila flies out on the first pitch. Sigh.
-So does Danny Worth. TAKE A F-CKING PITCH, GUYS! You had Lackey on the ropes!
-Thank Buddah, Damon’s up. The count quickly gets to 2-0. See? Make him work, morons. Someone wake Lloyd McClendon up and have him talk to his young hitters.
-Damon singles just over the head of Bill Hall.
-“FACK! PEDROIAHHHH WUD HAVE HAD DAT! NO ONE DENIES THIS! FACK YOU, TITO!”
-Santiago steps up and Damon steals second by a mile. Keep hating on him, Tiger fans.
/shakes head in disgust with my brethren
-Little Ramon takes a BIG swing…GONE! Awesome!
TIGERS: 5 SAWX: 1
-I love Little Ramon. I hope Everett never plays again.
-Magglio singles to center. And you, yes, YOU wanted to release him.
-Who would have called Lackey getting smacked around today and Armando pitching well? Not this guy.
-They show Santiago talking with Damon in the dugout. See? Ramon’s the only smart one on the team. Take note, you can learn from Johnny D.
-Cabrera strikes out to end the inning.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-One pitch and one out. Next.
-Van Every then strikes out. Is it 2008? Armando’s making the most out of his opportunity today.
-Rod says “home court advantage” instead of “home field advantage”. He always does this. I forgot it on my Rod Allen to English list a couple weeks back. Oh, how it annoys me. This isn’t basketball.
-Scutaro pops out to Avila. Nice job.
-Wow, with Armando pitching well today and Zumaya being awesome this year, somewhere in Connecticut, lots of cheap booze is being downed by an unhappy camper named Blake.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-Boesch leads off and…takes a strike? The second pitch is a foot inside, but taking one pitch was too much for the kid and he swings anyway. He pops out to first.
-Inge is up. Today is Brandon Inge replica glove day at the CoPa. It’s probably for the best that I stayed home. I would have got arrested for yelling at the kids with the gloves to kill themselves.
-Inge pops out.
-Two down for Kelly. Grounder to the right side, Youk and Hall play Keystone Cops on the play and Kelly is safe at first. If Verlander were on the mound, he would have killed both of them and their families for screwing up that play. Kelly gets a single? Geez…he’s 2-3 today just to piss me off.
-Avila’s up and Kelly steals second. The Boston catchers are terrible at throwing out runners. We need to run every time on them.
-Another full count to Alex. I think half of Lackey’s pitch count is to Avila and Damon today.
-Lackey strikes him out on his 100th pitch of the game.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-Jeremy Hermida is up first. Rod can’t get over the fact that Ted Williams was good at baseball. Rod’s having a bad day in the booth.
-Hermida flies out to Damon.
-Drew flies out to Kelly. Who is this burly woman pitching for us? I like her.
-Youk singles to left on the next pitch. There’s the Galarraga I know. I kid, as that’s only Boston’s third hit today.
-Two down for Papi. Ni and Bonderman are up in the bullpen? So, Bondo’s demoted?
/does the math
-And Willis is still in the rotation?
/pours rum and Coke
-Hopefully it’s just because the bullpen’s tired. JV, Rick, Willis, Bondo, Armando…must be. Unless I’ve missed someone.
-Armando’s up to 100 pitches. This is probably his last inning. Jim will want to get him out on a good note.
-Ortiz walks. First and second, two down, and here comes Leyland. They’re bringing in Bonderman? Oh, no.
-Good game, Armando. Good job proving me wrong…this time.
-Rod says it’s Bondo’s “throw day” and with the tired pen, that’s why he’s in there.
-He faces Lowell and pops him up! Avila catches it, inning over. Nice job, guys.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-Worth pops out on the first pitch. Dammit. Make Lackey throw and get him out of there! He’s over 100 pitches! I hate the coaching on this team. Can we send Leyland down and bring Parrish up for a while?
-Damon singles to right. He’s been on all four times today. Eat it, jerks.
-Ramon thinks he’s Cecil Fielder now and flies out deep to right. Nice try.
-Two down for Maggs. Damon takes off and steals…he’s out? Come on! Even Rod and Mario saw that Damon was clearly safe. Did ESPN get to the umps? Can’t have this pesky Tiger team beating up on the Yanks and the Sawx! Bad for ratings!
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-Replay shows that Johnny was safe. Rod says he was out based on the replay. Rod is on meth.
-Tek starts off against Bondo. Must be weird for Jeremy to be pitching in the 7th.
-Groundout to third. One down.
-Bill Hall strikes out.
-Yes, I’m starting to mail it in a bit. Bite me.
-That’s it for Bondo. Enter Made in Taiwan.
-Oops…went to take a leak and a runner is on first now. Don’t eff it up, Fu.
-Marco singles and it’s first and third. Perry’s warming up now.
-Hermida comes up draws a walk. Bases loaded for Drew. Ugh.
-This has not been a good series for lefty Asian relievers for either team.
-Ni tries to throw a wild pitch, but Avila jumps on it. Get him out of there, Jim. When’s Bobby Seay coming back?
-1 and 2 count. Crowd’s sitting on their hands. WTF? C’mon, people!
-STRIKE THREE! Nice recovery, Fu. Take a seat, JD. “OW-AH HAWTS ARE BROKEN! NO-MAH WUDDAH GOT A HIT! YOU FAWKIN FAHGET!”
-I wish I could do a shot consisting of nothing but the tears of Red Sox fans.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-Maggs, Mig, and The Mighty Boesch coming up. We need at least one more run to settle my ulcer.
-Wow. Lackey’s still in there. Maggs (sigh) swings at the first pitch and flies out 415 feet away to center. Do these guys have somewhere else to be today?
-Pitch #117 from Lackey is hit to short by Cabrera for the second out.
-Lackey bounces the first pitch to Boesch and he almost swung at it.
-Boesch idolized Shawn Green growing up? Really? That’s worse than idolizing Bobby Higginson.
-Even Jim Leyland thinks Lackey’s thrown too many pitches at this point. Francona must really hate his bullpen.
-The kid strikes out swinging on a pitch way out of the zone. Discipline, son. Learn that and you’re going to be a good one.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Ryan Perry’s on the mound. Kelly, Austin Jackson, and Casper Wells are your new outfield. Holy crap, who’s left in Toledo?
-Youkilis is the leadoff man this inning. I hope Perry hits him in the head. Youk hits it, diving grab by Inge. Throws from his knee and almost throws it away. Cabrera saved him there as the throw was four feet from the bag. Rod says it’s a nice play by Inge.
-Rod is amazed that Perry can throw a changeup. Jeremy Bonderman is even more perplexed by it.
-Ryan strikes Papi out for the first out.
-Rod is still babbling about Perry throwing a changeup. I don’t get it…
-Mike Lowell hasn’t been sent back to the home yet and comes up to bat. Hit to third, SWEET play by Brandon, and they turn the 5-4-3 double play! Inge actually backhanded it to second…I’ve never seen a third baseman do that. Wow.
-Hey, I may be a jerk, but I’m fair. Hell of a play by Brandon Inge.
-PLAYER OF THE GAME! WHERE’S MY PHONE?
/texting Galarraga’s number
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-Rod calls Inge a “human highlight film”. I call Rod a dolt.
-Scott Schoenweis is your new pitcher. Lackey’s arm must have finally fallen off.
-Inge grounds out on the first pitch. Add that to the highlight film.
-Don Kelly grounds out to first. Why even do the at bats after Boesch is done? Can’t we concede the outs to save some time?
-Avila’s up as we see Valverde throwing in the bullpen. If it’s true that Jose talked the rest of the bullpen into the mohawks and then himself refused to do it after they did…that would make him my favorite relief pitcher of all time. What a dick. Glorious.
-Avila strikes out. Bring Diaz up. Onto the ninth, kids. We’re almost done.
TOP OF THE NINTH
-Papa Grande has entered the game. 0.54 ERA thus far. AND NONE OF YOU WANTED HIM! ONLY I DID! Have I mentioned this yet? Worship my brilliance!
-Jason Varitek is first. He brings Valverde to a full count before drawing the walk. Dammit.
-Inge is first in the player of the game voting. Worth is second. Galarraga is third. Tiger fans are f-cking stupid.
/Ramon Santiago sobs to himself
-Bill Hall strikes out. One down. Nasty splitter by Jose.
-Darnell McDonald is up. He’s the guy that singled off of Ni while I took a pit stop earlier. He hits it to left, but Kelly’s too much of a pussy to dive and it falls in. First and second, one out.
-Marco Scutaro is up again. Rod says Valverde hasn’t allowed a run in his last 16 outings. Don’t curse him, dude.
-Marco pops it up to Cabrera. That’s two. Let’s see if this lame crowd actually gets up for the third one.
-They’re actually on their feet after being quiet all day. Hermida is the Sawx’s last hope.
-Ground ball…THIRD OUT! Dance, you fat bastard! Dance! Tigers win!
FINAL SCORE: TIGERS: 5 RED SOX: 1
Your player of the game is Armando Galarraga. He wasn’t awesome, but he did better than I think anyone expected and got the job done.
3 out of 4 from the Yanks and 2 out of 3 from the Sawx? That’s a good week of baseball, my friends.