Friday, May 14, 2010

I Apologize in Advance for this Post...

Sorry there hasn’t been much content here lately. In the past 10 days, I have worked close to 100 hours. My only day off was spent in Detroit with the world’s biggest Brandon Inge fan, so it wasn’t much of a break. And I work another 9-10 hour shift tomorrow. Now, some of you may not think that 110 hours in 11 days is that big of a deal, but in the redneck bar I run, each hour I’m there seems like three. Every day is like Groundhog Day. Same ignorant people, same ignorant conversations. I’m currently wrecked, both physically and mentally. I need to vent. I need to take out frustration on somebody. I need…

...Don Kelly. The Donbot is currently hitting a robust .182 with 1 homer and 3 RBI in 34 plate appearances. His OBP is .206, his OPS is .479, and his OPS+ is 29. (100 is an average big league player) Yes, I don’t like Don Kelly being on my baseball team. And as I said, I’m in a poor mental state. So with a tip of the cap to the late, great George Carlin, here are 30 ways I would like to see Don Kelly die. Now would be a good time for Don’s friends and family to quit reading.

(Note: Idon’treallywantDonKellytodie. Heisaniceguy,justabadbaseballplayer. Getasenseofhumoryoustupidasshats.)

1. Grease fire.

2. Hanging.

3. Via firing squad.

4. Run over by a bus.

5. Beat to death with a mace.

6. Stabbed repeatedly with a pitchfork.

7. Stoned to death by angry mob.

8. Put poison and/or acid in his Gatorade.

9. Shoot him out of a cannon directly into a brick wall.

10. Tie him to train tracks and stand there twirling mustache in an evil way as the train approaches.

11. AIDS (and preferably found with his hand in Clete Thomas’ pants).

12. Buried up to his neck, pour honey on his head, dump fire ants on top.

13. Mauled by a lion (not a Detroit Lion…I want the job to get done).

14. Buried up to his neck and run over with a lawn mower. Back up lawn mower. Do it again.

15. Pushed into spinning helicopter blades.

16. Lock him in a closet with a wolverine on angeldust.

17. Drop an anvil on his head.

18. Drop a piano on his head.

19. Give him a stick of dynamite, tell him it’s a cigar. Run away laughing.

20. Paint a tunnel on the outfield wall at Comerica and convince him to run through it at full speed, breaking his neck.

21. Push him off a cliff. Imagine him holding up a “help” sign before he falls.
(Okay, that’s enough cartoon ones…)

22. Convince him to talk to Justin Verlander on a day that JV starts. Enjoy watching Justin beat him to death with a hammer.

23. Eaten by a T-Rex. (shut up, it’s my list)

24. Lung cancer. He’s had to have taken in enough second-hand smoke from
Leyland at this point.

25. Tie him to a conveyor belt with a spinning band saw at the end. Press the start button on the belt. Laugh maniacally.

26. Catapult into a wall of spikes.

27. Force him to watch a video of Brandon Inge swinging at curveballs. He’ll kill himself within 20 minutes.

28. Dress him as a rainbow colored donkey. Hang him from a rope. Hand baseball bats to Mexican children and tell them that there’s candy inside the donkey.

29. Infected anal warts.

30. Take to an abandoned building. Super glue his testicles to the floor. Set building on fire. Hand him a knife. Make him choose between his nuts or his life. Wait outside. If he chooses to remove his family jewels, shoot him in the face with a shotgun when he gets outside.

Sigh. I need a new job. Sorry for all of this. Stay in school, kids.

Seeya in a couple days when I make another attempt at Keeping Score.

2 comments:

schgwangfoo said...

31. Smashed by a steamroller.
32. Drawn and quartered.
33. Burned at the stake.
34. Decompression chamber head-pop.
35. Electrocuted while fiddling with Brandon Inge's vibrator.

schgwangfoo said...

31. Smashed by a steamroller.
32. Drawn and quartered.
33. Burned at the stake.
34. Decompression chamber head-pop.
35. Electrocuted while fiddling with Brandon Inge's vibrator.