THE TEAM takes a look into the lives of the Detroit Tigers baseball players. My favorite episode can be found here. THE (new) TEAM follows our hero, Curtis Granderson, as he adjusts to life as a New York Yankee. The previous episode can be found here. This is the newest installment. Warning, strong language and stupidity follows.
(In the visiting clubhouse at Fenway Park, three hours after the Yankees’ 6-4 victory over the Red Sox.)
CURTIS GRANDERSON: Boy, Marcus, I don’t know about you, but it feels great to get our first Yankee victory under our belts! And in Boston of all places!
MARCUS THAMES: Yup.
GRANDERSON: I mean, we are playing for the World Champion Yankees! Can you believe how intense it is against the Sox? I can’t imagine what it must be like toward the end of the season in a pennant race. I can’t wait!
THAMES: Yup. Pretty cool.
GRANDERSON: You said it. Plus, the Tigers won their first game. Polly had a grand slam and 6 Ribbies in his Philly debut, Pudge started well for the Nats…everything’s looking up for us and our guys.
THAMES: Word. But why do you think Skip asked us to stick around tonight?
GRANDERSON: Yeah, that is kind of weird. Hey, we won, right? It can’t be too bad.
/door opens quietly
JOE GIRARDI: (whispering) Hey, guys. Thanks for sticking around. I just wanted to go over a couple things with you both.
GRANDERSON: Why are you whispering, Skip? I mean…
GIRARDI: Quiet, you fool! He’ll hear you, if he’s still around.
GIRARDI: Don’t worry. We don’t have much time. Just listen to me. There’s still a few things you guys need to know about being “True Yankees”. The Captain likes things to go a certain way…
GRANDERSON: You mean Derek?
GIRARDI: Are you mad? Always refer to him as “The Cap…”
/door flies open
DEREK JETER: Are there any media members here?
GIRARDI: No, Captain. They all left.
JETER: Well, that’s fan-f-cking-tastic! Listen up, you two dipsh-ts. We’re two games in and I’m already sick and f-cking tired of you guys trying to f-ck up my team!
GRANDERSON: What do you mean, Derek? We just beat the Red Sox! What did we do?
JETER: It’s more like what DIDN’T you do, you stupid, ignorant f-ck! Joe?
/Girardi slaps Granderson
GRANDERSON: Oww! Dude!
JETER: Shut up! We are one and one this year! .500! Do you believe that? The New York f-cking Yankees playing .500 ball. You two f-ggots aren’t going to last another week on this team if you don’t pay the f-ck attention to what I’m telling you! First off, you…what’s your name?
THAMES: Marcus. Marcus Thames.
JETER: Whatever. You’re "Ruben Sierra #2" until I tell you different. You look as clumsy as you do stupid. Do you even have a f-cking hit this year?
THAMES: Um, I’ve only had two at bats, man. I walked in one of them.
JETER: So, that’s a no, isn’t it? You worthless sh-t. Two games in and you don’t have a hit. That’s not how you become a “True Yankee” you lazy c-cksucker. I should have Cash release your ass, Ruben #2. And you, who are you?
GRANDERSON: Come on, Derek. This is silly. We did an interview together just…
JETER: You don’t understand sh-t, do you, boy? The media gets the man they want to see. But that man doesn’t win championships. “The Captain” does! Now I’m gonna call you “Melky Cabrera #2” until you smarten up a bit, okay Melky #2?
JETER: Shut up, Melky #2! Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly? What the f-ck have YOU done to help the Yankees win so far?
GRANDERSON: C’mon, Derek. I homered in my first Yankee at bat. I had another hit today and scored a run. I’ve done my best in the outfi…
JETER: I, I, I…it’s all about YOU, isn’t it, Melky #2? I’m already sick of you and your selfish bullsh-t! Yeah, you homered. But we lost. A solo homerun, you worthless assh-le. Why didn’t you get on base for “The Captain” to drive you in, huh? That is team play! That is rallying around your captain! That wins championships! That is being a “True Yankee”, right, Joe?
GIRARDI: You are correct, Captain.
JETER: You bet your hairy ass, Joe. Now look, boys. (holds up hand) You see that? Those are five World Championship rings. How many do you guys have?
JETER: How many, you disrespectful f-ck? None! That’s how many! Look, if you don’t want to win a championship, you can go back to Chicago, Cincinnati, or wherever the f-ck you two clowns came from.
THAMES: Detroit, man.
JETER: Sh-t. That figures. The team with all the Dominicans on it.
JETER: Do you EVER shut up, Melky #2? We win championships in New York, son. And to do that, you are going to have to become “True Yankees”. Guys like Scott Brosius, Aaron Boone, Luis Sojo, and Bernie Williams. Those are “True Yankees”! Don’t you want to be a winner like them?
GRANDERSON: Well, Bernie was okay…
JETER: They ALL are winners, and you are nothing but a f-cking showoff! You follow “The Captain” and his foot soldiers: Rivera, Pettitte, Posada, Matsui…
GRANDERSON: Isn’t he in LA now?
JETER: Silence! He’s a spy. I have people everywhere in LA. There are no limits to “The Captain’s” resources. I endorse Gatorade, Nike, Discover, Visa, Ford, and MLB 2K video games. I have personally f-cked Mariah Carey, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and six Miss Universes. You can smell under the rings if you don’t believe me. I could bang Miley Cyrus tomorrow and the media wouldn’t blink an eye. You know why? Because I am the f-cking “Captain” and I do what I want wherever I want because I am a winner! Right, Joe?
GIRARDI: Hail, Jeter!
JETER: F-cking A. Now are you two f-cksticks on board with me, or do I have to have you killed like I did Shelley Duncan, Shane Spencer, and Johnny Damon?
GRANDERSON: Wait a minute…
THAMES: We just want to win, man.
JETER: Then quit pissing me off and follow my lead. I even turned that no-talent, son of a whore, A-Rod into a winner, though it damn near killed me. I’ll make you a deal. You become my foot soldiers, you do what I say when I say it, and you become “True Yankees”, and I will lead you to a championship. Deal?
GRANDERSON: What are you…
THAMES: Deal, Captain. We got your back.
(Jeter puts on helmet.)
JETER: Good. Pray that I don’t alter the deal further. You gentlemen are dismissed. Joe, let’s go. The hookers of Boston will make a fine sacrifice to “The Captain” tonight.
GIRARDI: Yes, Lord Jeter. Seeya, guys. I hope you learned something today.
(Jeter and Girardi exit.)
GRANDERSON: Marcus, what the hell did you just agree to?
THAMES: I dunno. But that dude is messed up. Just had to get him outta here. I miss Detroit, man.
GRANDERSON: Me, too. I hate this place…