The Detroit Tigers have started their season at 5-1. Not bad, huh? With all the crazy ranting and raving in the offseason over the trades of Granderson, Jackson, and Robertson mixed in with the departures of Rodney, Polanco, and Lyon, you would think that someone out there would have seen a silver lining in it all. You would think that someone would have kept a level head and saw the bigger picture of what GM David Dombrowski was doing. You would think that someone saw the merits of signing Johnny Damon and Jose Valverde. You would think.
Oh, wait. There was someone out there. Me! Me, you ungrateful slobs! Me, me, me!
I hate you all.
What’s that, you say? It’s only six games? We’ve been playing the Royals and Indians? Jerks. Can’t let me enjoy my moment for a minute, can you?
Welcome to the first edition of “Keeping Score” for the 2010 season. If you’re new to this, it is basically what is going through my head throughout the ballgame along with a recap of the action. Hopefully it will turn out fun. Most likely, however, it will be a bunch of pointless babbling mixed in with screams of horror if Don Kelly makes it into the game.
Today, the Tigers have spooky-eyed pitcher Max Scherzer making his second start of the season against the Royals and their guy, Luke Hochevar. Perhaps if we’re lucky, we’ll score off this kid today. If not, the KC bullpen is always good for some fun.
/crosses fingers for a Farnsworth appearance today
TOP OF THE FIRST
-Arby’s changed it to a free small curly fries if the Tigers hit three homers in the game? Why, you cheap bastards.
-Rod says Scherzer had a “dandy debut” against the Royals. Really, Rod? Is this how we are going to start off the season together? And we were getting along so well.
-Jen Cosey’s favorite player, David DeJesus leads off for the Royals. Hopefully, Max is careful with him. You don’t want to f-ck with DeJesus.
-Crap, there goes the no-hitter as DeJesus singles past Ryan Raburn at second.
-Scott Podsednik is up. Mario always gushes about this guy. I think he’s terrible. And his arm in left field makes Johnny Damon look like Al Kaline.
-Hit to Ramon Santiago at short who turns a 6-3 double play. So much for Scotty Pods and his speed early in the game.
-Alberto Callaspo, the worst #3 hitter in major league baseball since Clete Thomas, is up with two outs. He fouls out to Brandon Inge to end the inning. Nice start for Scherzer. Take note, JV.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-Austin Jackson starts it off for Detroit and promptly singles to left to start the game. Just give him Rookie of the Year already.
-Johnny Damon is up. His beard is coming in nicely. Alex Avila approves, I’m sure. A shot of Gene Lamont giving signals from the coaching box reveals that Gene did not miss many meals in the offseason. Holy hell, Gene.
-Damon pops out. Asshat.
-Comeback Player of the Year, Magglio Ordonez and his .462 batting average is up. Let’s hit and run, Jim.
-Jim doesn’t listen and Magglio hits into a 5-4-3 double play. Dammit, let Jackson run a bit.
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Wow, they just ran a commercial for where I work. How depressing.
-Billy Butler leads it off. He appears to be counting the days down already until he can become a free agent and leave KC.
-He strikes out. Get ‘em, Mad Max. Rod is gushing about the late life on his fastball. I tend to agree.
-Ex-nutcase Rick Ankiel is up next. I wonder if he and Dontrelle have talked. You’d think that would be a natural conversation.
-Uh oh…someone told Mario about Scherzer’s eyes. We cut to Max giving an interview saying that his goofy peepers are a good conversation piece. Well, duh.
-Rod sounds disgusted with Max’s deformed face. Jerk. I think he’s the coolest looking pitcher ever, next to JV.
-Jose Guillen is up. He homered twice yesterday. He still sucks.
-Nice block by Avila. He takes his mask off to show Damon what a real beard looks like. Oddly enough, he was clean shaven at the beginning of the game. The kid is magic.
-Rod says that Leyland used Coke during the game yesterday. Only I find this funny. Ron Washington is certainly not amused.
-Guillen keeps fouling off pitches. I think we’re up to about 30 of them now.
-Oooh. Ankiel almost got picked off at first. Scherzer’s move is a good one.
-Guillen fouls the 10th pitch of the at bat off of his knee. That looked bad. Trainers are out to see if he’s out for the year again.
-Mario doesn’t care for his well being and starts talking about other famous people with different colored eyes. Rod has no idea who any of them are. Rod is quite the pop culture expert.
-Guillen is still alive and hits another pitch foul. If he were Carlos Guillen, he would be out for a month.
-Diving catch by Brandon and he doubles the runner off at first! What a showoff.
-I kid. Nice play, Brandon.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Miguel Cabrera leads off. He kills Hochevar, as he is 8 for 12 lifetime. He’s also hitting .522 right now. I’d like to buy him a drink…or maybe not.
-Grounded up the middle, but Chris Getz throws Mig out.
-Carlos Guillen is next. Has he always looked like he’s 50 years old?
-Wikipedia says that Hochevar was the prom king in high school. Douchebag.
-Carlos strikes out.
-Two down for Special Little Guy. Inge is hitting .320 this year. I just wanted to write that while I still could.
-Long drive by Brandon! It would have been out of most parks, but Inge only gets a double. Comerica National Park, indeed.
-Alex Avila steps up. I’m not as big on this kid as the folks over at BYB seem to be, but I do like him so far.
-He flies out to left.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-Jason Kendall’s corpse leads it off and bunts it foul. It was clearly going foul, but Rod says that Inge is a genius by letting it roll out of bounds. Rod is in love, methinks.
-By the way, Jamie Samuelsen wrote a good piece on Scherzer and the Tigers last week. Seriously. Hey, I’m fair.
-Kendall grounds out.
-Yuniesky Betancourt lines it down the left field line for a double. Why can’t we get a decent scouting report on this clown?
-Chris Getz is next. He’s another guy that sucks and we can’t get him out.
-Rod overlooks the fact that Scotty Pods and Chris Getz are terrible and wonders why the White Sox let them go.
-Getz lines into a double play! That’s three already for the Tigers. We’re off to a lucky start. Hopefully we can stop treating Scherzer like he’s Edwin Jackson and maybe score a run for him now.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-Double D interview is shown talking about the Tigers quick start this year. He’s wearing a suit! No Cosby sweater, Dave? I don’t even know you anymore.
-Ryan Raburn is up. He’s hitless this year. Didn’t he start something like 0 for 24 last year, too?
-Ryan quickly walks. If we hit into a double play, I’m going to kill a hooker tonight.
-Little Ramon Santiago is next. Is he going to bunt?
-Rod says that Jim Leyland has a good feel for managing. Well, I hope so for crissakes. He’s been doing it long enough.
-Ramon strikes out. Much better than bunting, Jim. You have quite the feel for managing.
-Back to the top of the order and Austin Jackson. AJax lines a single to right field. My man-crush continues to develop…AND NONE OF YOU WANTED HIM! Jerks.
-Damon up with runners at first and second, one out. Rod says not to worry about Johnny’s slow start. Says he’s a proven winner. Yes, Rod. Those Red Sox and Yankee teams would have finished in last without Damon. Like the Royals…when Damon was there. Ugh.
-Johnny gets hit by a pitch loading the bases for Maggs. Sweet.
-Double play ball…sh-t. Ha, Butler drops the throw to first and two runs score!
Tigers: 2, Royals: 0
-Chris Getz gets the error on the play. I told you that he sucks. Butler should have scooped it, though.
-Cabrera is up with Magglio on first and two down. He flies out to right. Drunk bastard. Well, there are ex-White Sox players on the Royals. Just saying.
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-AT&T trivia question? What the hell happened to the stupid duck?
-DeJesus leads off by flying out to Guillen in left. Good job, Carlito. Didn’t even hurt himself.
-Scotty Pods is next. He half-swings a bunt to shortstop and beats it out. Ramon didn’t look ready for that one. Come on, guys. What do you expect Podsednik to do?
-Callaspo is up and Podsednik steals second. Avila took a long time to get the ball out of his glove. Pods is 5-5 in steals this year.
-Rod tells us that Brandon is still in pain when he runs. This does not bode well for the second half of the year again. Get ready, Jeff Larish!
-Full count to Callaspo. Ball four. First and second, one out. Another double play, anyone?
-Billy Butler doubles to left. Dammit.
Tigers: 2, Royals: 1
-Carlos threw to the wrong base allowing Butler to take second. Moron.
-Ankiel grounds out to short scoring another run. That would have been a double play if Guillen wasn’t stupid.
Tigers: 2, Royals: 2
-Jose Guillen is up with a man on third, two out. Max is due to strike someone out.
-Scherzer is up to 65 pitches, they tell us. A couple more later, and Cabrera drops what would have been the third out on a foul pop fly. That’s an error. Fat bastard.
-We should have been out of this inning twice by now. If they keep…
-Guillen homers. Thanks a lot, Miguel.
Royals: 4, Tigers: 2
-Jason Kendall singles to left on the first pitch. Someone needs to talk to Scherzer.
-Finally, someone in Tiger management listens to me and Rick Knapp comes out to apologize to Scherzer for the Tigers acquiring him and not informing him that he needs to get 5 outs per inning because the defense sucks.
-Betancourt is up again. Wonderful. Hit and run is on and it’s a single to right. First and third.
-Chris Getz lines out to center on the 34th pitch of the inning. I need a cigarette.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-Carlos leads it off and bunts the first pitch foul. Rod says “not a bad idea”. If it were up to Rod, every Tiger would bunt in every at bat. Has he ever called a bunt attempt a bad idea?
-Next pitch, Carlos homers to left! Bunt THAT, Rod.
Royals: 4, Tigers: 3
-First half superstar, Brandon Inge, is next. He pops out to short. Thousands of fat girls immediately text in that Brandon should be the player of the game.
-Superbeard grounds out to first. Two down.
-Ryan Raburn is up and has his tongue out. How this still amuses me a year later, I don’t know.
-Rod claims that Randy Johnson never threw 100 mph. Rod is a liar. Ask the seagull population how hard Randy threw the ball.
-Raburn hits one down the line for a double. Sweet.
-Little Ramon is up with two down and a chance to tie it. He hits Gene Lamont with a line drive foul. Well, it’s hard to miss him.
-Ramon strikes out looking. Adam Everett is not amused on the bench.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-Scherzer comes back out to start with DeJesus again. Uh oh, there’s a leadoff double to right. Max isn’t fooling the Royals with his breaking ball.
-Podsednik bunts. Scherzer throws the ball into right field, the run scores, and Pods ends up on third.
Royals: 5, Tigers 3
-I hate baseball.
-I hope Scott Podsednik gets super-AIDS.
-Callaspo is up as Brad Thomas gets going in the bullpen. Great. Gasoline for the fire.
-Fat Billy Butler comes up and the Tigers move the infield in. Scherzer’s 97th pitch of the game is hit to short and Little Ramon throws out Scotty Pods at home. Nice play. Two out.
-Rick Ankiel strikes out looking to end the inning. Max is probably done. He deserved better today.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-Action Jackson is 2 for 2 today and leads off the inning. We need to get to KC’s bullpen, as AJax strikes out on three pitches.
-Luke’s only thrown 68 pitches to this point. Sigh. Eff you, prom king.
-Damon pops out in foul territory. Two quick outs.
-Ordonez strikes out.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-Brad Thomas is in to probably give up a homer to Jose Guillen. Sorry, I’m still not sold on this guy yet.
-Nope, Guillen grounds out to Inge. One down.
-Rod says Eddie Bonine did a tremendous job yesterday. I say Rod may have a meth problem. We are both wrong, I think.
-Lineout to Cabrera. Nice catch. Would’ve been better to catch the foul ball last inning, though. Sigh.
-Betancourt is up. What would make his parents say,”let’s name him Yuniesky”?
-Ball four to Betancourt.
-Chris Getz has a 2-0 count on him as Rick Knapp comes out to talk to Thomas. Hopefully, he’s telling him that Getz is terrible and to just throw it underhand to him.
-Nope, he walks him on four pitches. Avila comes out to the mound, but sadly doesn’t punch Thomas in the face.
-First and second, two down, for DeJesus. Fu-Te Ni is up in the pen and DeJesus singles to left. Carlos threw to the wrong base again allowing DeJesus to take second. I need a drink. We are the worst coached team in baseball.
-Somewhere, Andy Van Slyke is crying.
Royals: 6, Tigers 3
-Podsednik with a two run single. Dammit.
Royals: 8, Tigers 3
-This is getting out of hand.
-Callaspo grounds out to third to end this abortion of an inning. Screw you, Brad Thomas. And Clete Thomas, too, while I’m at it. I’m sure he must have done something stupid at Toledo by now.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-Miguel draws a walk to lead it off. It’s only the second of the game for the Tigers. Bring Cleveland back to town.
-Carlos the defensive dolt comes up next. He draws a walk, too. You guys better not be teasing me…
-John Parrish is up in the KC bullpen. F’n sweet.
-Hochevar is not Zack Grienke. Why must we make him look like he is?
-Brandon…FAIR BALL! Two run double! I love you, Brandon! I always have, don’t listen to what anyone else tells you!
Royals: 8, Tigers: 5
-Pitching change. I’m still holding out hope for an appearance by The Farns at some point.
-The Boss’ Kid comes up to face the lefty, Parrish. He does his Gerald Laird impression and quickly stikes out.
-Raburn flies out to left. Two down.
-Santiago grounds out to the pitcher. Three outs. At least we still have three chances left with the KC pen.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-Brad Thomas is still in the game to face Billy Butler. Jim Leyland: Manager of the Year.
-Butler grounds out to short. I’m amazed.
-Rick Ankiel is next up. He grounds out to Cabrera. Two down.
-Hey, Dontrelle Willis pitches tomorrow. That should be…interesting.
-Jose Guillen singles up the middle. Too bad it didn’t hit Thomas in the head.
-Kendall flies out to Jackson in right center to end the inning. Top of the order coming up for Detroit.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-Jackson leads off and flies out to right.
-THE FARNS IS UP IN THE PEN! Please, please, please, please, please, please, please…
-Captain Caveman flies out to left. John Parrish does not fit in well with the rest of the KC bullpen.
-Magglio flies out to center. Two innings to go. If Brad Thomas is still in the game, I’m going to punch a baby.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Really? Thomas is still in the game? Get me a baby…stat!
-Betancourt grounds out deep to short. Nice play by Ramon.
-Getz comes up again. Rod finally starts being insightful explaining how the “unwritten rules” of baseball are different in the Dominican Republic and Japan compared to the US. This is the Rod Allen that I like.
-Thomas walks Getz. I throw a bottle at my roommate’s cat.
-Jim’s stumbling out and bringing in Made In Taiwan. About flipping time.
-Ni faces DeJesus with one out. DeJesus and Podsednik are 15 for 33 against the Tigers this year already. Come the f-ck on.
-Wild pitch by Ni. Getz to second. Urge to kill rises up to yellow alert.
-DeJesus strikes out. Two down for that little bastard, Podsednik.
-Ni almost hits Scotty Pods. I almost laugh my ass off.
-Podsednik singles to center. Are you fist f-cking me?
Royals: 9, Tigers 5
-Mario is amazed that the Sox let Podsednik go because he was so good for Chicago at the top of their lineup. His OBP the past three years? .299, .322, and .353. Not exactly Rickey Henderson, there.
-Callaspo fouls off about seventy pitches. KC hits more foul balls than any team I’ve ever seen. Why can’t they just swing and miss like our guys do?
-Raburn boots an easy ground ball. Ho. Lee. Sh-t. That was ridiculous.
-Three Tiger errors in this game. Plus, Guillen had the two boneheaded plays in left. Not pretty.
-Billy Butler adds insult to injury by singling to left.
Royals: 10, Tigers: 5
-I take it all back. You were right. I was wrong. We suck. Fire Dombrowski.
-Runners are on first and second for Rick Ankiel. He taps it in front of the plate. Avila throws it wide and Cabrera comes off the bag. Bases loaded. Error given to Avila.
-If Guillen homers here, I’m done.
-Ni strikes him out. Thank God…or whoever Fu prays to.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-To think, I was originally supposed to go to this game. I probably would have ended up in jail. Again.
-Kyle Farnsworth is in. I can’t even enjoy The Farns today.
-First pitch and Cabrera rifles a single to left. Thanks, Farns. Keep it up.
-Guillen lines a single off of Butler’s glove. First and second, no one out. Rod correctly points out that if Butler was positioned properly, that would have been a double play.
-Speaking of hitting into double plays, here’s Brandon. Harf.
-Who would you like to see the Tigers trade to get Farnsworth this year? Email me with your choice. We’re due to get him again.
-Inge lines out to Farnsworth’s crotch. Nice aim. He goes for the DP, but Butler sucks and drops it.
-Avila is up as Soria and Hughes get ready in the bullpen for the Royals. Avila pops out to left.
-Two down for Raburn. Farnsworth drills him in the wrist. Don’t charge the mound, Ryan! The Farns is crazy!
-Bases loaded for Little Ramon. Kyle’s getting serious and is up to 98 mph. Santiago pops out. Must they toy with me like this?
TOP OF THE NINTH
-Did you know that it’s April in the D? I hate FSD.
-Ni is still in the game to face Jason Kendall. Predictably, Kendall hits the first pitch into the left field corner for a double.
-Fifteen hits for the Royals today. Really?
-Ni doesn’t look sharp at all this year so far. Get us some more lefties, Dave!
-Betancourt lines out to Santiago. One down.
-Getz is next for the Royals. If we walk him again, I’m going to burn down an orphanage in protest.
-Getz takes two strikes after starting out 3-0. He and the umpire argue for a while about it. Whiner. Then he strikes out after Avila takes forever to ask for help on a checked swing third strike. That was odd.
-DeJesus pops out.
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
-Sam Bernstein’s kid should not be on TV. I’m sure he’s brilliant, but yikes.
-Dusty Hughes is the new pitcher in to face Jackson. He looks like he is 14 years old.
-Jackson grounds out to third.
-Mario and Rod are talking about food. Well, it’s about time.
-Damon walks, bringing up Maggs.
-Magglio flies out to Ankiel in center. Two down.
-They show Farnsworth in the dugout. He’s so weird looking nowadays, almost like something I drew with my left hand.
-Cabrera steps in to end our misery today. He flies out to right. Game over.
FINAL SCORE- Royals: 10, Tigers: 5
Well, that sucked in about every possible way. Next time we do this, hopefully they don’t play like it’s their first time out there.