Sunday, April 25, 2010

Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)


I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, Rogo. You’ve got a fun little blog here that must be read by ZILLIONS of people all over the country! I bet you’re beating the women off with a stick, receive thousands of emails a day praising your hard work that you do, and have cash falling out of your ass every time you fart.” Well, sure. Of course I do.

But there is a drawback to this. I have to deal with people like you. No, not you. You either. You’re cool. THAT guy! And THAT chick! Yeah, you people and those of your ilk. You assclowns that take EVERY F-CKING THING I WRITE SO SERIOUSLY! My God, you people are trying to give me a stroke, aren’t you?

What more, please tell me, what more do I have to do around here to let you people know that I am screwing around and do not necessarily believe it when I wish some sort of penis cancer on a player for striking out? What do I have to do to make you understand that baseball is a game played by millionaires and should not be taken as seriously as you psychotic bastards take it?

For example, I wrote a bit recently listing 25 reasons why I hate Don Kelly. It’s right here. I thought it was a cute way to vent after Kelly struck out, yet again, to help lose a ballgame. But, no. Kelly’s Angels are so angry…they could spit! Spit, I tell you! Here’s just one of the responses I got.

Wow! Seriously? Too bad Don, or "Donnie", is the nicest guy in the whole world. Not only can he teach your kids how to play the game of baseball, he can teach them how to be the kind of person anyone would feel privledged to have in their lives. Since you managed to insult my high school, my college and one of my best friends all in one article, needless to say I could come up with 25 reasons why I hate you. Too bad I'm way classier than you and won't waste my time!

No, not seriously. That is the whole point of this blog. F-cking pay attention, jackass.

And I’m sure Don, Donnie, D-Money, D-Bag, whatever…I’m sure he’s a nice guy. Great for him. You know who else is nice? The Dalai Lama is nice. George Clooney seems nice. My mom is nice. Jessica Alba has a nice ass. Ernie Harwell might be the nicest person to ever live on our planet. But you know what? I don’t want any of them playing on the Detroit Tigers, either. Odds are, they all suck at baseball almost as bad as Don Kelly does.

Please keep Don Kelly away from my kid. The boy already throws like Johnny Damon if he had a broken arm. I don’t need Kelly bringing him down any more.

You went to Kelly’s hippie college with him? Is that why you are unable to spell “privileged”? Apparently, these “liberal arts” colleges do not have time to teach proper spelling. Perhaps they did not cover “satire” there, either. Or baseball skills.

And I encourage you to come up with 25 reasons why you hate me. No one hates me more than I do, kid. I can give you around 500 good ones to start. But one of them is not this blog. Asshat.

Finally, as for being classy and not wasting time, well you already did. Congrats. Die in a grease fire.

Ah, hell. Here’s another one.

This article is so absurd. It's truly sad that anyone agrees with this mess in any capacity and/or thinks you're funny, Scott. As someone who has spent time in the clubhouse, let me say that your 'hatred' is misplaced. It's clear that you've never met Don Kelly. Don is a GREAT human being. Not just a great baseball guy, but a great human being. Period. Launching a personal character attack on him and his family is out of line. And I get it, you're just being funny! I hope no one ever writes something like this about you or your son. Don't you have anyone else to hate on? Perhaps someone who deserves it?

Your face is absurd. Ha! Zing! Rogo scores again. Sigh. Anyway...

As someone that has spent time in a clubhouse, I would expect a better argument. I mean, you have been INSIDE the clubhouse. I’m willing to bet that Jim Leyland has you on speed dial when he’s considering making a pitching change. I’ll bet that Dave Dombrowski consults you before he signs free agents. I mean, wow. You’ve been IN THE CLUBHOUSE! Tell me, is Gerald Laird as unimpressive naked as he is at the plate? Do you thank the players when you are done sniffing their jockstraps? In the clubhouse…Christ, you’re practically Peter Gammons.

I do not give two tugs of a dead dog’s dick how nice of a guy Don Kelly is. He sucks at baseball, not just at hitting, but fielding, too. Period. That is all I care about. There’s at least a half dozen guys on the Mud Hens that would be better choices to be on the big club. He can spend all his free time reading to the blind and helping kitty cats out of trees, but it doesn’t change the fact that he makes an out almost every time I see him bat. His urine might cure cancer (has anyone checked?!?!), but it doesn’t change the fact that he is mediocre at best no matter where you put him in the field.

And no. You do not get it. You are a f-cking idiot that should be sterilized. Anyone can write a straight baseball blog that covers each game and gives their useless opinion. And don’t get me wrong, some do it very well. But, I find it much more entertaining, interesting, and personally challenging to try to write something different, off the beaten path, and hopefully funny 2-3 times a week instead. If you don’t like it, f-ck off. Some people don’t like and/or understand my humor. I can respect that. But don’t cry to me about it. Makes me want to stab you in the temple with a screwdriver.

And finally, yes. There are many others to hate on, other than your Sweet Donnie Boy. Jim Leyland, Brandon Inge, Clete Thomas, Gerald Laird, Ozzie Guillen, AJ Pierzinski, Joe Mauer, Luke Scott, Jason Grilli, Matt Treanor, Fernando Rodney, Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, Joe Morgan, Larry The Cable Guy, Dane Cook, Steeler fans, Glenn Beck, Peter King, Tony Romo, Jen Cosey (ha)…the list goes on and on. But I like hating on Don Kelly. So does my son. When Kelly struck out the other day (again), the boy called him a “doodiehead”. Priceless.

Thanks for asking about him, by the way. He turns six next week. Help me out and buy the little jerk a new DS. He already broke his.

People, look. I met Don Kelly back in 2004. You know what? He was a nice guy. He even offered up an autograph, even though I had no idea who he was. That’s great. I wish him nothing but the best in his personal life. I even wish his sister well, even though she does spell her name “Ashlee”. Yikes.

That’s enough. I’ve wasted enough time here feeding trolls. It won’t happen again, I promise you. I just wanted to vent a bit and share this with the five of you that get me and are IN ON THE F-CKING JOKE. To the rest of you, please stay away. Go read Rick Reilly. Read Lynn Henning. My God, go read Jamie Samuelsen. He says he enjoys receiving hate mail. But, I would rather have fun and be read by a dozen intelligent readers that can take a joke than be read by ten thousand frigging morons with the collective IQ of a houseplant.

If I end up hearing from Don Kelly’s mom, everybody dies.

Have a nice day!

3 comments:

keith said...

Brilliant Scott. Keep making me laugh buddy

Anonymous said...

You're on my regular list of reads. Always funny. Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

As I was reading that post, and the comments that you had received, i was thinking to myself.. did anyone consider that his mom might have wrote these comments? but you summed it up for me at the end. priceless!