Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Picking Favorites

Good lord, she's hot.  And no, there's no particular reason for her picture here.

First off, RIP Bill LaJoie. Thanks for 1984.

After that…wow. Could this off-season be any more boring right now? Nothing much going on with the team. The Freep hasn’t written anything horrible for me to make fun of. Gerald Laird isn’t around anymore to get into fights at basketball games.

So, for my last post of 2010, I’m going to go through the Tigers current 40 Man Roster and rank them in my order of preference. I haven’t done this since May 21st, so it might be interesting to see what kind of changes have been made to the team and my bandwagoning of certain players.

Or not. But eat me, I’m out of ideas again until the New Year. So here you go. Your Detroit Tigers listed in order of my preference and where they ranked last time. “NR” stands for “not ranked” if you weren’t able to figure that out on your own. Dummy.

So, click for further brilliant insight, okay?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

THE TEAM: The Christmas Album

(Fade in to a cheesy set where you see two men in ugly holiday sweaters. One is hanging stockings in front of a fireplace while the other is putting ornaments onto a Christmas tree. The first man turns to the camera.)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Let me be the first to wish you a very Merry Christmas this fine holiday season! I’m David Dombrowski, President, CEO, and General Manager of the Detroit Tigers. And I think you all know my co-host here.
BRANDON INGE: Hey there, everybody! Brandon Inge, one-time All-Star third baseman here! Gosh, it’s wonderful to see you. And boy, do we have a swell treat for everyone today. Right Mister D?

DOMBROWSKI: That’s right, Brandon. Today, we’re here to tell everyone about the release of our own Christmas album, “A Very Tiger Christmas”, where you will hear all of your favorite Christmas carols sung by your favorite Detroit Tiger players!

INGE: That’s amazing, Mister D!

DOMBROWSKI: Oh, I know. What Tiger fan wouldn’t burst with joy when they find this wonderful collection in their stocking Christmas morning?

INGE: I know I would!

DOMBROWSKI: Me, too, Brandon.

/both laugh for 30 seconds

(contunued after the jump)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Your 2010 Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

You are all mindless little cash registers to the Detroit Tigers.

Well, realistically, Major League Baseball, but I have to put some blame on our beloved Tiger franchise.  Don’t believe me? Spend some time on in the official online Tigers shop. Good lord, there’s a lot of overpriced, useless crap on there. I would love to meet some of the people that buy this stuff and beat them to death with a bag full of nickels.

Here’s a few things that made me chuckle in this year’s DNR Holiday Shopping Guide. I’ve included the items, the Tiger Shop price, and what they should reasonably be priced at, in my opinion. As always, keep in mind that I’m an idiot.

Game Used Second Base
Tiger Shop Price: $199.99
Reasonable Price: $99.99

There is no shortage of game used merchandise on the site available for you to buy. From grossly overpriced baseballs to supposedly used batting gloves, the Tigers have cleaned out the dumpster of Comerica Park to pry your hard earned money from you to help pay the remaining years of Gary Sheffield’s deferred payments. I chose this piece because you are all in love with Will Rhymes and you might be lucky enough to find his tiny, elf-sized footprint on the base you purchase. Good luck!

Youth Personalized Will Rhymes T-Shirt
Tiger Shop Price: $31.99
Reasonable Price: $9.99

While I’m picking on Tinkerbell, here’s a youth small sized Rhymes jersey t-shirt. Believe it or not, youth small is Will’s actual size. He outgrew toddler clothing when he was playing in Erie. They grow up so fast…

Many more after the jump.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Tiger Droppings: Viva Team Venezuela Edition


Hey, party people. Hope your holiday season is going well. As for me, I consider this time of year the worst. It’s f-cking freezing outside. Traffic’s worse than normal. Any money I’ve managed to save up during the year is being spent on crap that people won’t appreciate. (I’m looking at you six-year old son!)  Seriously…Christmastime is the devil’s afterbirth.

/going to hell

Sorry I haven’t been around. So busy in Rogoland. But I’m not going to bore you with that. We’ve got a lot to cover in this edition of the Droppings. I’ll bore you with that, instead. Let’s quit wasting time.

There Are Now Officially More Venezuelans Working in Detroit Than Americans

He’s back.
"Whaddya mean only one year?"
 
My favorite Detroit Tiger ever (not named Higgy, Tram, or Gibby), Magglio Ordonez, re-signed with the team for one year, $10 million. Thank Allah for that one, otherwise we’d have been stuck with the enigma known as Brennan Boesch, or maybe Jose Guillen, in right field this year. Scary thought.

This sets up the 2011 Tiger lineup as follows:

1.  Austin Jackson, CF
2.  Sizemore/Guillen/Tinkerbell, 2B
3.  Magglio Ordonez, RF
4.  Miguel Cabrera, 1B
5.  Victor Martinez, DH
6.  Ryan Raburn/Boesch, LF
7.  Jhonny Peralta, SS
8.  Brandon Inge, 3B
9.  Alex Avila, C

Not bad…I’ve definitely lived through worse with this team. I’d still like to see them add another hitter to come off the bench and DH when V-Mart attempts to catch. I understand that it would violate Dave Dombrowski’s “only one black guy on the team” rule, but I’d really like to see Marcus Thames back in the D.

But this is about Magglio. He reportedly turned down a multi-year deal from at least one other team (eff you, Texas) to stay in the D. He said he chose to come back to Detroit due to his relationship with the Tigers front office, team owner Mike Ilitch, and his familiarity with the city. I’m sure the presence of fifty of his countrymen on the team didn’t hurt, either. He also said that he would like to finish his career as a Tiger and that 2011 will not be his last season. Magglio’s been amazing in his tenure with us and it’s awesome that we get at least one more season of The Tilde in Detroit. I’m looking forward to it.

The pitching rotation is still a mess though…but we'll get to that and more after the jump.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Another Visit With the Great One From the East


Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again time for a visit from the great stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers and Jose Valverde’s personal dance coach…I give you Rogo-nac, the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage.

Are you okay, oh great sage?

Wonderful, you twit. Let’s do this before I decide to quit the blog again.

Of course, good sir. I hold in my hand a pile of envelopes. A child of four can see that they are hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden within a stack of “Don Kelly’s Greatest Moments” DVDs, where no one would possibly look for them. We now ask you, oh great Rogo-nac, to use your divine powers to give the answer before opening the envelope and reading the question. Are you ready?

I guess so.

Hermetically sealed…

Yes.

Within a stick of “Don Kelly’s Greatest Moments” DVDs.

Where no sane man would look. Please, give me the first envelope.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

Rogo-nac must have complete silence.

Most times, Rogo-nac receives nothing but complete silence.

May Phil Coke be your team’s secret weapon in the rotation.

Ho, ho, ho…

/puts envelope to forehead

Bambi and a free agent’s reaction when Detroit makes an offer.

/rip…poof

Name a fawn and a yawn.

Haha…no non-Venezuelans are dumb enough to come here, sir. Haha…

/puts envelope to forehead

2011

2011…

/rip…poof

How many times has Carlos Guillen gotten hurt since coming to Detroit?

Hooo…the walking wounded. Yes, sir.  Haha...

/puts envelope to forehead

Donald, an Egyption king, and Johnny Damon’s wife.

Oh no…not her again…

/rip…poof

Name a duck, Tut, and a slut.

Hoho…you never stop with that poor woman.

May your current #3 hitter be named “Casper”.

Yikes. Next one, sir.

/puts envelope to forehead

Tomas Holmstrom and Jeremy Bonderman.

Holmstrom and Bonderman…

/rip…poof

Name a hockey player and a hockey puck.

Hohoho…let’s pray Bondo’s finally gone, Great One.

/puts envelope to forehead

A Klan meeting, the Republican party, and the Detroit Tigers roster.

/rip…poof

Name three places you’re not likely to see many black folks.

Hi-yooooooooooo! So tasteless, Mighty One!

May your friends constantly make fun of your girlfriend’s age.

What?

Never mind. Moving along…

Continued after the jump...if you dare.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Old People Hate Everything...Especially Change


This isn’t on the Tigers, but it is taken from the Detroit News site. I hate old white people. Jerry Green is very old. And very white. And he hates Bud Selig and changes to his “pure” sport. Prepare yourself to be muttered incoherently at.

Baseball’s purity stained thanks to Bud Selig

My dad loved baseball as a boy.

How unique.  So did my dad.  So did everyone's dad.  Nowadays, my dad loves getting drunk and telling me that I'm a f-cking loser.  I look forward to doing the same to my son one day.

When I was a kid, he told me about how he played hooky one day to watch a playoff game the year the Giants and the Cubs tied for the pennant. 

He was about 13 at the time -- it was 1908 -- and he found a vantage point amid the boulders of Coogans Bluff. From there he could peer into the Polo Grounds in upper Manhattan.

Your dad was 13 in 1908? That means…

/does math

Holy sh-t…you really are old.

Next he babbles on and on about old times and players that were probably dead 20 years before you were born. Instead of boring you with that, I give you this. It’s basically the same thing…

Anyway, about my washtub...I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball." 

There was none of this nonsensical wild-card stuff back then. It would be nearly another century before commissioner Bud Selig could contaminate the game with such impurities.

Yes. The wild card has contaminated the game of baseball. I f-cking hate old people. The wild card has given us four World Series champions: ’97 Marlins, ’02 Angels, ’03 Marlins, ’04 Red Sox. That 2004 postseason was the greatest the sport has seen perhaps ever. Even Bob Costas has said that he was wrong about the wildcard being bad for the game.

And without the Wild Card, baseball in Detroit wouldn’t have been reborn in 2006. I wouldn’t have been in the third row to witness Magglio taking Street deep and experiencing the greatest moment of my life as a sports fan. Stupid wildcard.

We continue after the jump...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bobby Higginson For MLB Hall of Fame!


The voting will begin soon for the next group to enter the Hall of Fame. Certainly Mr. Bert Blyleven will FINALLY get in this year, or else I’ll have to snap someone’s neck. But who else? WHO CARES!

Bobby F’n Higginson, the greatest Tiger that ever was, is in his first year of eligibility! And when he gets voted in, I want his HOF plaque to look like the picture above!  Wait…what do you mean Bobby doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame? Are you fist-f-cking me?  Asshats!

Forgive me. Sometimes I forget that Bobby only had around four good years in the bigs. Go eat a bag of dicks.

Here’s a quick look at this year’s nominees. I’m sure when we get a bit more close, I’ll go into them in more detail. For now, I’ll separate them into three categories for you, based on my initial thoughts when reading their names. Don’t hold me to anything here…I haven’t done any research yet. (Do I ever?)

F-ck and Yes
Roberto Alomar (greatest 2nd baseman I’ve ever seen)
Bert Blyleven (pictured here in the greatest photo ever)
(Seriously, he should get in just for wearing that shirt...)

Mark McGwire (shut up, they were all on roids)
Jack Morris (10 inning World Series shutout among countless other moments)

Could Make an Argument
Jeff Bagwell (my 2nd favorite non-Tiger of all time after Craig Biggio)
Barry Larkin (overrated)
Edgar Martinez (wish he could field)
Don Mattingly (back ouchie ruined it all)
Fred McGriff (Crime Dog!)
Dale Murphy (nice guys finish last?)
Rafael Palmeiro (who you pointing at?)
Tim Raines (Rickey made him look mortal)
Lee Smith (saves overrated?)
Alan Trammell (homer choice, obviously)
Larry Walker (great numbers, hurt a lot)

Hell No
Carlos Baerga (meh)
Harold Baines (solid, not great)
Bret Boone (like one good year?)
Kevin Brown (psycho)
John Franco (saves suck)
Juan Gonzalez (diediediedie)
Marquis Grissom (thought he’d be great as a rookie)
Lenny Harris (really?)
Bobby Higginson (sniffle)
Charles Johnson (original Marlin alert!)
Al Leiter (good commentator)
Tino Martinez (I hate Tino)
Raul Mondesi (what a waste of talent)
John Olerud (nice helmet)
Dave Parker (he’s STILL on the list?)
Kirk Rueter (who?)
Benito Santiago (forgot he existed)
BJ Surhoff (heh heh…BJ)

Seriously, though. If Bert gets screwed again, everybody dies.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Got DIBS...Voting Results and Reaction


DIBS (Detroit Independent Baseball Scribes), which I am somehow a member of, had their voting for several awards for your 2010 Detroit Tigers this past week. I submitted mine, but I’m not sure Kurt from Bless You Boys got them, since I admittedly filled out my form drunk and I’m not sure it went through. I have issues…but you already knew that, didn’t you?

Kurt changed things up a bit to attempt to get away from the predictable “Best Hitter”, “Best Pitcher”, etc, nonsense you see everywhere else. Props to Samara at RotT for coming up with several of the awards. Anyway, here’s the complete list, who I voted for, and my reaction. After that, I’ll have a few of my own special awards.

Best On-Field Celebration: Jose Valverde

Well, duh. I, too, voted for the Big Potato’s dancing exploits. I mean, who else is there? Brandon Inge’s sadface when celebrating a strikeout? Ryan Raburn’s excessive tongue wagging after doing whatever it is he does? Perhaps Miguel Cabrera’s drinking benders when the ChiSox are in town? Naa…Valverde was the right choice.

Best Hair, Facial or Otherwise: Phil Coke

I voted for Cokehead. Had to…the guy’s so entertaining. He would have lost if Adam Everett was still on the team, though. That guy’s hair was flawless, second in sports to only Tom Brady. I actually gave Everett my 2nd place vote, though I don’t think it was counted. Honorable mention goes to Johnny Damon, who finished second in the overall voting. Johnny tried, but his 30+ year old frat boy look couldn’t top the “redneck homicidal maniac” appearance of Mr. Coke.

More after the jump.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tiger Droppings: Start of Free Agency Edition

Lots to discuss and I’m a very busy man. No witty intro (is there ever?), so let’s get on with it.

Dombrowski Goes Shopping at V-Mart

Today the Tigers signed noodle-armed, awesome-hitting catcher/DH/first baseman Victor Martinez to a four year/$50 million deal. The Tigers will also lose their first round draft pick to the Red Sox, unless they also sign Jayson Werth. In that case, the Phillies would get the Tigers pick. As if those pricks haven’t received enough from us the past few years.

How does Your Party Host feel about the deal? I love it for the next two years. But the other two? I think we’re looking at Carlos Guillen, Part Deux. Vic’s already in his early-thirties. He’s an abortion at throwing runners out. And now we’re basically locked down at DH for the next couple years.  Speaking of Guillen, where does he do now?

On the bright side, V-Mart has a career OPS+ of 121. He doesn’t strike out much at all. He’s a hell of a hitter and knows the AL Central well after so many years in Cleveland. He should be happy with fellow ex-Indian, Jhonny Peralta on the team, as well as the rest of Team Venezuela. Seriously…is there anyone on the team that can speak understandable English anymore other than Verlander, Inge, and Jackson? I mean have you heard that hilljack Raburn speak? It’s all clicks and whistles to me…

Deals Martinez reportedly turned down:
*Red Sox: 3 years/$36 million
*Red Sox: 4 years/$42 million
*Orioles: 4 years/$48 million
*White Sox: 3 years/$48 million

Eat it, Chicago.  With Victor signed, right field remains the biggest hole the Tigers have to fill. And with Martinez, I’m hoping that it’s just another reason that Magglio returns to town. The more Venezuelans the merrier, am I right? That is Dombrowski’s motto, you know.

Welcome to Detroit, Victor. Try not to piss me off. After all, you are the only non-Tiger bobblehead that I own. See?

Ha…we’re buddies already.

More free agent fun after the jump…

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Your Handy Guide to This Year's Free Agent Crop

The Tigers have so far been linked to every free agent out there with a pulse. It is my responsibility to bring you the pros and cons to the potential signings of the big names out there. Let’s not waste any time and just dive into it, shall we?

Carl Crawford, OF

Pros
*Faster than any player the Tigers have fielded since a young Nook Logan graced Comerica Park with his mediocre play.
*Was offered scholarships to play point guard at UCLA and quarterback at Nebraska, therefore could moonlight for the Pistons and/or Lions. He can’t be any worse than the idiots they have now.
*2010 Gold Glove winner. We’ll need that out there with Jhonny Peralta letting 2/3 of all balls get past him this year on the left side of the infield.

Cons
*Will cost approximately 3,600,000 Hot ‘n’ Ready pizzas per season. Yikes…that’s a lot of heartburn and diarrhea.
*African-American. With Austin Jackson on the team, Dave Dombrowski has already made his quota of black guys on the team. Crawford would most likely have to adopt a Dominican accent and change his first name to Carlo.
*Career OPS+ of 107. Considering what he is going to ask for in years/salary, may become the most overpaid player since Carlos Beltran tricked the Mets into giving him such a huge deal.

Adam Dunn, OF, 1B, DH

Pros
*Nickname is “Big Donkey”. I can hear Rod Allen giggling like a schoolgirl already.
*Unbelievable plate discipline. Surely, someone else on the team would eventually take notes, wouldn’t they? Sigh…
*Insane power and the ability to provide the protection in the lineup that Miguel Cabrera has lacked since arriving in Detroit. Dunn has the 5th lowest at bat/home run average in Major League history trailing only Mark McGwire, Babe Ruth, Barry Bonds, and Jim Thome. Again, Rod Allen would benefit by being able to say “Country Strong” again, something he has been lacking since Marcus Thames left town.

Cons
*Stupid. Thinks he can play defense despite making Ryan Raburn look like Torii Hunter in the field.
*Strikes out more than Brandon Inge and Austin Jackson combined. Not that I care, but I would be forced to read stupid articles complaining about his strikeouts despite his insane OPS.
*Has been criticized for his “lack of passion” in the past. Everyone knows that most Tiger fans prefer their heroes to be scrappy and terrible (Inge, Brandon…Rhymes, Will) than unfriendly and talented (Sheffield, Gary).

Victor Martinez, C, 1B, DH

Pros
*From Venezuela. The more the merrier. If Maggs isn’t re-signed, the Mafia will need another hitman, anyway.
*Is not Gerald Laird.
*Would save us from having to watch as much of Alex Avila grounding out weakly 2-4 times each game.

Cons
*If they give him the 5 years he wants, his contract has a 99.8% chance of being the next “Carlos Guillen” problem.
*With Peralta already signed, would give us our second long-time Indian on the roster. This is unacceptable unless that second Indian is named Cliff Lee.
*Throws like a girl…with a broken arm.

More after the jump...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What Should Jim Leyland Do?


What should I do?
Admit that I constantly make mistakes?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Awards Are Now Officially Meaningless

They've announced that Derek Jeter won the 2010 Gold Glove for AL shortstops.  Yes.  Derek Jeter.
F-ck you, Major League Baseball.  Seriously.  F-ck you.

That is all.

The Secret Manager Search: Volume 2

Tigers owner, Mike Ilitch, has publicly endorced manager Jim Leyland for the 2011 Season. However DNR has learned that secret meetings between Mr. Ilitch and General Manager David Dombrowski have been going on interviewing possible replacements for Leyland, should the team get off to a slow start. This is the second of these meetings. The first can be found here.

Detroit Tiger Headquarters, Detroit, MI

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Well, sir, it’s good to be back in the office. I know you’ve had a lot going on with attempting to buy the Pistons, your three-a-day blood transfusions, and the bitter separation with Johnny Damon…

MIKE ILITCH:  Oh, Johnny. (single tear rolls down cheek)  Please, Dave.  Too soon.  I miss him so…

DOMBROWSKI:  Of course, sir.  My apologies.  But we really need to continue with these interviews.  I mean bringing back the same-old, same-old with Peralta and Inge…

ILITCH:  Man of the YEAR, Brandon Inge, thank you.

DOMBROWSKI:  Sigh.  Of course.  Well, as, er, brilliant as those decisions were, we need to prepare for the worst.  If things don’t work next year, Tiger fans are going to want heads to roll.  And we need to have a guy ready.

ILITCH:  Sure thing, Dan.

DOMBROWSKI:  Dave, sir.

ILITCH:  Right.  Well, who’s our interview with today?

DOMBROWSKI:  As you know, we haven’t been the best team on defense.  And this gentleman’s specialty is defense.  Actually, he should be here any moment…

/door flies open

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Bless You, Sparky


The first book that I can remember reading on my own as a child was “Bless You Boys”, by Sparky Anderson. It was a daily diary of the 1984 Season that had Sparky’s comments on each game, his views on all the players, and a glimpse into his personal life. After reading it, over the next couple years I bet I checked that book out of my local library at least a dozen times to re-read it. I can actually remember a librarian laughing and asking me how I wasn’t sick of that book by now. Truth is, I could never get sick of seeing, hearing, and/or learning from George “Sparky” Anderson.

And now the man is dead. Sparky died this morning at his home in California at the age of 76. It’s been a tough stretch for Tiger fans recently. First we lost George Kell. Then the legendary Ernie Harwell passed. And now we’ve lost the most iconic figure of the Detroit Tigers of my childhood in Sparky Anderson.

Of course, Sparky would never want to hear that. He always took any praise heaped onto himself and immediately credited the players. In fact, on the day of his Hall of Fame induction, he said, "I got good players, stayed out of their way, let them win a lot, and then just hung around for 26 years.” But Sparky wasn’t fooling anyone. He was and is one of the greatest leaders in baseball history.

Sparky won 2,194 games as a manager, which was the third-highest total in major league history when he retired. All these years later, he’s still ranked sixth. Anderson was the first manager to win World Series titles in both leagues and the only manager to lead two franchises in career wins with Detroit and Cincinnati. Most importantly, the man held the respect of all of his ballplayers. Noted tough guys like Kirk Gibson and David Wells credit much of their professional success to Sparky’s leadership.

For me as a kid though in the 80’s, none of that mattered. I just remember being captivated by the white-haired little man’s passion whether he was smiling and talking to a reporter or screaming his head off at an umpire that dared to make a stupid call. It sounds cheesy, but whenever I think of him, I imagine him with this little twinkle in his eye. I imagine him yelling at Gibby that Goose Gossage doesn’t want to walk him. And whether he was calling Chris Pittaro baseball’s next superstar or Gibson the next Mickey Mantle, you couldn’t get mad at Sparky for his hyperbole. That was just Sparky being Sparky and Tiger fans wouldn’t want him any other way.

At the end of the 2009 season, I was lucky enough to be there for ’84 Tigers reunion. Before the game, my friends and I were walking to our seats when word spread that some of the players were about to arrive and pose for pictures. We stopped to see who it would be and I can’t tell you how surprised I was to see Sparky as one of the guys. My excitement turned to sadness, though, as the legendary manager looked like a shell of his former self. He was so skinny and pale. But as quick as I could register those thoughts, something seemed to spark, no pun intended, in his mind as he broke out in a grin and began laughing and talking with all of the fans. I actually teared up when I saw that…please don’t tell anyone.

When the players were introduced later on, no one got a bigger reaction than Sparky. And he didn’t disappoint when he addressed the fans showing some of the old fire from his managing days.  It was awesome.  For the second time that day, I had to wipe a tear from my eye. It really was a magic moment and something that I’ll never forget.

And for the third time, the tears welled up again today as I learned of the passing of the Icon. The fact that his #11 hasn’t been officially retired is disgusting to me and I hope Mr. Ilitch and the team properly honors Sparky on Opening Day this season. The man gave so much to not only the Tigers, but to the entire city of Detroit with his tireless charity work that it’s the very least the team could do for his memory.

Okay, I’m done. I know this isn’t the kind of stuff you check out this blog for, but it feels good to get this out. Sparky, bless you and your family, good sir. Thank you for so many great moments in baseball history. Your memory will live on forever.

/tear

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Silly Pictures Are Fun

I bring some light-hearted fun to you today.  It's the least I can do to reward you for putting up with my Brett Favre-ish nonsense around here.  (No, I'm not sending you pictures of my schlong.)  Here's a few pictures from around the web that I've had sitting on my laptop and haven't had a chance to use in any productive way.  I hope they make you smile in a horrible world where either Matt Treanor or Edgar Renteria is going to be a World Series champion soon.

First up...something that I'm sure all of us has at LEAST suspected for a while...
Not that there's anything wrong with that...

More after el jumpo...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Everyone Pitches In and Gets Me Motivated

So, I was thinking of quitting the blog…again. Here’s whats happened since then, as I recall it.

Day One

OLD ENGLISH D JEN: As the resident Detroit Tiger Emo Fan Mistress of Sorrow, I COMMAND you to not give up your blog!

/stares at picture of Magglio…starts weeping

ROGO: Meh. Work is killing me. This season wiped me out. They re-signed Inge. A pretty girl talked to me out of pity and I, of course, thought that we were engaged. My mind just isn’t there. Sorry.

OED JEN: You can’t do this! You’re the greatest Tiger blogger in the world! What will we do without you?

/cuts self

ROGO: Meh…

Day Two

ALYSSA MILANO: Rogo, you need to start writing. Your genius work just makes me so…excited. How about I call my good friend Jennie Finch up, we pick up some whipped cream, and we head over to your place and l…

/wakes up

ROGO: Damn. Guess I’ll see what’s on Redtube…

Day Three

JAMIE SAMUELSEN: C’mon, man. No one’s reading my crap anymore without you linking to it and making fun of every inane thing I say. Please come back?

ROGO: I’m busy. And I hate baseball. Get off my lawn.

JAMIE SAMUELSEN: Can I borrow some money for gas?

ROGO: Die of a rectal tumor…

Day Four

FAN LETTER #22: C’mon, dude. Come back. Make fun of Inge.

FAN LETTER #59: Who’s gonna call Don Kelly funny names now? Make me laugh!

FAN LETTER #255: You have won the Nigerian lotto! Just send us your bank info…

ROGO: …

/watches Pawn Stars and mopes

Day Five

ROGO: Hmm…Jayson Werth looks homeless. Or like Edge from WWE. Or like the guy that plays Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies. Buffy was in those, too. Buffy’s hot.

/drools for ten minutes

ROGO: Maybe I could write something funny about him. Ugh…I can’t keep quitting and starting up again. And my time is so precious…

/loud banging on door

ROGO: Who the hell could that be?

/door flies open

Thursday, October 21, 2010

And...I'm Done...Again...For Now?

The Tigers signed Brandon Inge to a two-year extension, with a team option on a third.  I hate baseball.

I can't even watch the playoffs.  The Giants, Phillies, Yankees, and Rangers are full of ex-Tigers.  It's depressing.

I need a break from this.  Thanks for reading and your support the past two years.  Maybe I'll be back in a while.  I hate to keep crying "wolf" on this, but hey...it isn't as easy as you may think it is to maintain a thing like this on your own and try and have a productive life at the same time.

And as always, Don Kelly can tongue-jack my sh-tbox.  I hope he falls into a pit of meth-addicted cobras in the off-season.

Take care...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Making The Grade: 2010 Tigers Position Players


Yeah, it’s that time. The season’s over and Your Party Host, in his infinite wisdom, is here to provide his grades on everyone that took the field for your Detroit Tigers in 2010. As always, I remain fair and balanced. My grades are based on a complicated formula taking into account a player’s stats, the impact they had on the team, expectations I had for the player, and how tall the player is. (Just kidding, Will Rhymes!) Also, no “incompletes” for anyone. The season’s complete...so are their grades.

We’ll start with position players and then move on to the pitching staff later on this week. I’ll try to keep things brief since 41 guys in total saw time for the Tigers this year. That’s a lot of mostly interchangeable, below average white guys, Mr. Dombrowski. We expect better in 2011.

Let’s rock.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Always A Tiger: End of 2010 Edition


Just because they’re wearing a different shirt doesn’t mean DNR has forgotten about them. Here’s the final simple stats on the ex-Tigers that I’ve managed to remember for the 2010 season.

Position, Player, Team: Avg, HR, RBI

C Ivan Rodriguez, Was: .266, 4, 49
C Matt Treanor, Tex: .211, 5, 27
C Brad Ausmus, LAD: .222, 0, 2
C Dane Sardinha, Phi: .205, 3, 8
C Mike Rivera, Fla: .000, 0, 0 (14 AB)
1B Aubrey Huff, SF: .290, 26, 86
1B Carlos Pena, TB: .196, 28, 84
1B Jeff Larish, Oak: .179, 2, 9
2B Omar Infante, Atl: .321, 8, 47
2B John McDonald, Tor: .250, 6, 23
3B Placido Polanco, Phi: .298, 6, 52
3B Mike Hessman, NYM: .127, 1, 6
SS Edgar Renteria, SF: .276, 3, 22
OF Cody Ross, SF: .269, 14, 65
OF Andres Torres, SF: .268, 16, 63
OF Curtis Granderson, NYY:  .247, 24, 67
OF Cameron Maybin, Fla:  .234, 8, 28
OF Matt Joyce, TB: .241, 10, 40
OF Marcus Thames, NYY: .288, 12, 33
OF Gabe Kapler, TB: .210, 2, 14
OF Matt Stairs, SD: .232, 6, 16
OF Frank Catalanotto, NYM: .160, 0, 1
OF Brent Clevlen, Atl: .250, 0, 0 (4 AB)

Starter/Relief Pitcher, Team: Win-Loss, ERA

SP Colby Lewis, Tex: 12-13, 3.72
SP Freddy Garcia, CWS: 12-6, 4.64
SP Edwin Jackson, Arz/CWS: 10-12, 4.48
SP Jair Jurrjens, Atl: 7-6, 4.64
SP Nate Robertson, Fla/Phi: 6-8, 5.96
SP Luke French, Sea: 5-7, 4.83
SP Brian Moehler, Hou: 1-4, 4.92
SP Andrew Miller, Fla: 1-5, 8.54
SP Dontrelle Willis, SF: 1-1, 6.85
RP Brandon Lyon, Hou: 6-6, 3.12
RP Francisco Cordero, Cin: 6-5 (40 SV), 3.84
RP Chad Durbin, Phi: 4-1, 3.80
RP Fernando Rodney, LAA: 4-3 (14 SV), 4.24 (7 blown saves)
RP Kyle Farnsworth, KC/Atl: 3-2, 3.37
RP Jeff Weaver, LAD: 5-1, 6.09
RP Tim Byrdak, Hou: 2-2, 3.49
RP Trevor Miller, StL: 0-1, 4.00
RP Denny Bautista, SF: 2-0, 3.74
RP Wilfredo Ledezma, Pit: 0-3, 6.86
RP Clay Rapada, Tex: 0-0, 4.00
RP Romon Colon, KC: 0-0, 18.00 (2 IP)
RP Juan Rincon, Col: 0-0 4.50 (2 IP)

Just a couple things:

-San Francisco made the playoffs putting our garbage on the field. Wouldn’t it be nice to play in the NL for just one season? (Lincecum, Cain, Sanchez, Zito, Wilson…I know. Blow me.)

-You think Florida might be thinking they could have made a better deal for Miguel Cabrera right about now?

-23 ex-Tigers played on teams that made the playoffs. Sigh.

-Carlos Pena hit under .200 and hit 28 homers. That’s awesome. The spirit of Rob Deer lives on. But give Carlos credit…he, at least, can draw a walk.

-Andres Torres…who knew? Didn’t see that one coming.

-I hope Sardinha gets AIDS.

-Finally, the number one question I have for this offseason: WHO SIGNS NATE?

/prays it’s the White Sox

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Quick Picks: 2010 MLB Playoffs

I have much to say about the 2010 Detroit Tigers season, but am quite pressed for time this week between my workload at my job and my drama-filled personal life.  So for now, I offer you my uneducated half-assed predictions on the MLB Playoffs.

ALDS
Texas over Tampa, 3 games to 2.
New York over Minnesota, 3 games to 1.

NLDS
Philadelphia over Cincinnati, 3 games to 1.
San Francisco over Atlanta, 3 games to 0.

ALCS
New York over Texas, 4 games to 1.

NLCS
Philadelphia over San Francisco, 4 games to 1.

World Series
Philadelphia over New York, 4 games to 2.

Congrats to Placido Polanco and company.  Keep in mind, I'm an idiot, so expect Atlanta to sweep the Rays in the actual Series.

Good day.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Get Off Jim Leyland's Back


Quick post for this weekend, since my output this week has been much more than my normal lazy updating practices that you’ve no doubt become used to and love.

I’ve touched on the recent articles lately calling the 2010 Tigers season a “failure” and how I think it’s a silly statement. And today, on the scourge that is known as sports talk radio, someone called in complaining about Jim Leyland and the coaching staff being retained for the 2011 season and how ridiculous it is. He was calling Leyland a failure and pointed toward the ’10 season as an example of such.

For the ten thousandth time, I’m not a huge Leyland supporter. But I think he’s done a masterful job this season with the cards he had been dealt. Between the rookies, ineffective veterans he was stuck with, and bad luck, the Tigers were doomed to fail no matter whom was in charge this year.

And throughout it all, the team spent 16 days in first place, was 11 games over .500 at one point, rallied from being 5 games under .500 at another point, went 52-29 at home, and had a winning record in the AL Central for the first time in what seems like forever.

You really want to blame someone? Blame the disgusting beast known as the “injury bug”. Take a look back at our Opening Day lineup.

Austin Jackson, CF: Rookie. Stayed healthy and exceeded expectations.

Johnny Damon, LF: Veteran. Battled injuries. Played slightly below expectations.

Magglio Ordonez, RF: #3 hitter lost after July 24th due to ankle explosion.

Miguel Cabrera, 1B: MVP numbers until ankle failure at end of season.

Carlos Guillen, DH: Brittle as a 90 year old. 3 DL stints.

Brandon Inge, 3B: Weaker than normal power #’s, DL for broken hand.

Gerald Laird, C: Inability to hit Will Rhymes’ weight. Hurt at end of season.

Scott Sizemore, 2B: Rookie. Wasn’t fully recovered from 2009 injury. Spent most of year in minors.

Adam Everett, SS: Hit less than Laird. Released on June 6th. May be dead…

Add in minor league stints and/or injuries to Bobby Seay, Joel Zumaya, Rick Porcello, Max Scherzer, Zach Miner, Jose Valverde, Ryan Perry, Phil Coke, Fu-Te Ni, Danny Worth, and Clete Thomas and I just can’t see how so many people can continue to fault Leyland for this year’s results.

Last year, yeah, I wanted his head on a stick after the final week of the season leading up to Game 163. But this year? Quit giving the man grief. Give him the pat on the back that he deserves. He managed his ass off in 2010.

Seeya in a few…

The Free Press is Trying to Give Me Brain Cancer


Exactly what is it that the Free Press looks for when publishing a writer’s work? Do they encourage prospective authors to have the ramblings of a mental patient? Is it now required that the writers of each piece know jack and squat about professional baseball? Is it top priority that the people writing pieces for the Freep have opinions that are the complete opposite of sane logic?

Apparently so. It’s a reader submitted column from a guy named Aaron Traugh. Keep in mind that the Detroit Free Press has apparently felt that this article was good enough for them to feature on their website.  If anyone has access to the editor, please do us all a favor and beat him/her to death with a tire iron.

Here we go again, kids, after the jump.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Prepare for the Worst in the MVP and ROY Voting


Prepare yourself. I know I am. Miguel Cabrera and Austin Jackson are probably going to get dicked over in the end-of-year award voting this year.

Much like most umpire crews we’ve run into this year, the BBWAA voters for MVP and Rookie of the Year are going to end up screwing the Tiger players over. Why, you ask? Because the Tigers aren’t going to the playoffs. USA Today and ESPN both have recent annoying bits up on it.

It’s the most idiotic argument that the voters put out there every year. Many say that they won’t give an award to a guy that’s not on a winning team. It’s ridiculous, preposterous, absurd, ludicrous, nonsensical, and f-cking retarded stupid. Dumber than batting Don Kelly in one of the top five places in the batting order.

I mean, really? You have a guy that’s the most dominating offensive player in the league, a guy that came close to setting the AL record for intentional walks because no one wants to pitch to him, and you won’t vote him the MVP because he’s surrounded by a bunch of Mud Hens due to injuries to his teammates? Or you won’t vote for a guy because the team he plays for has a poor pitching staff, perhaps? It’s mind-boggling to me.

I’m not saying that the MVP race is not close and I admit that I may be a bit biased toward the guys I’ve watched play every day this season. So let’s narrow down the MVP candidates to the three guys I’ve seen named most often: Josh Hamilton, Miguel Cabrera, and Robinson Cano. Let’s see where each of them stack up in some of the major AL stat catagories.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Your Party Host vs. Bad Tiger Articles: The Never Ending Battle Continues


By now, I’m pretty sure that any of you that come here to read about the Tigers aren’t expecting a serious in-depth analysis of the team. I usually try to keep things light, make a few jokes, and provide some entertainment on our favorite baseball team.

But sometimes, I do try to offer what limited insight that I might have into the Detroit baseball club. When I do, I try to remain consistent and actually provide some reasoning, whether it be stats or whatever, behind whatever I say. It only seems fair to do so. Simple, right?

When I offered my thoughts on the upcoming offseason, I suggested that we focus on getting Adrian Beltre to play third base next year, among other things. If not, I said I would reluctantly accept Brandon Inge as my second choice if Jhonny Peralta were kept at short. Then later, I offered my possible goodbye piece to Inge where I said something like “anyone but Inge” for third in a joking way. I don’t consider that a flip-flop…I think you all can judge when I’m being sarcastic by now.

But what I can’t stand are writers that don’t offer logical backup to their statements, or even worse, constantly flip-flop their positions on certain ideas…especially those that write for the big sites like the Detroit News or Free Press. No one is going there for a silly poop joke about Don Kelly like they do here. They want facts and serious journalism, in my opinion.

Jamie Samuelsen’s latest bit at the freep site is the kind of nonsense I’m talking about. Look, when Jamie wants to be, he can be okay. But when he’s bad…well, take a look after the jump.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Bye Bye to Brandon Inge?


The Brandon Inge era may be entering its final week in Detroit.

He is the longest current tenured Tiger, first appearing in the Old English D back in 2001. Over that time, he has played in nearly 1300 games hitting .237 with 134 homers and 561 RBI. He has a career OPS+ of 85, a stat where the MLB average is 100. He just set the all-time Detroit Tigers record for strikeouts with 1100, breaking Lou Whitaker’s record of 1099. He stands at 1101 now, in only 4311 at bats, as Whitaker’s number came in 8570 at bats, almost double Brandon’s. “The Special Little Guy”, as I have sarcastically nicknamed him, has made me utter the “f” word so many times over the years that truckers and porn stars alike would be left feeling uncomfortable around me.

Exactly how in the blue hell has Brandon Inge not only lasted in Detroit for so many years, but in that time become one of the most popular players in Tiger history?

Honestly…I don’t know.

His first three years on the team, he hit .180, .202, and .203. The Tigers responded by acquiring a future Hall-of-Famer, Pudge Rodriguez, to become the team’s catcher. Brandon would still catch a bit, but also spend time in the outfield and third base, a position that he would come to love. The move from away from catching seemed to help his bat, too, as he would hit a career high .287 in 131 games, with another career high 109 OPS+ in ’04. His first full year at third, though, was a rough transition for him. He would lead the league in errors in 2005 with 23 and see his average fall to .261. (He’d lead in errors again in 2007 and 2009.) He would never see his batting average finish that high again.

The World Series year of 2006 saw my personal frustration with Inge grow as he fell in love with going for the long ball. He would hit a career high 27 homers (equaled in 2009) that year, but would see his OPS+ drop to 98 as he became an all-or-nothing hitter at the plate. Defensively, though, his acrobatic diving catches became the norm for the Tigers and were making many fans forget about his shortcomings at the dish. 2007 would see his offensive numbers regress further, as he would hit .236 with only 14 homers in 577 plate appearances.

In 2008, the Tigers would acquire NL All-Star third baseman Miguel Cabrera from the Florida Marlins. Inge seemed to take this as a slap in the face and requested a trade. Sadly, no matter how remarkable his defensive abilities could be at times, there weren’t any teams willing to trade for a .230 hitting guy that was making over $6 million. So, the Tigers kept him as a utility player that would see him open the year in center field while Curtis Granderson recovered from injury. He would also see time at third and catching. He sulked through 113 games in ’08 hitting a miserable .205 and an OPS+ of 76.

Amazingly, the Tigers decided in 2009 to move Cabrera to first base and make Inge the full-time third baseman again. Brandon would respond be being named to his first ever All-Star team, despite finishing the season hitting only .230 with an OPS+ of 87. 2010 has seen his power numbers be more than cut in half from ’09 as knee injuries may be having more of an effect on Inge’s abilities than he is willing to let on.

But here we are now. Eight games to go in the 2010 season and the light-hitting Inge remains, at the very least, one of the three most popular Tigers with Miguel Cabrera and Justin Verlander. In 26 years of watching baseball, I have never seen a guy get more out of a career with so little hitting ability. And he is a free agent. What do the Tigers do?

Do they let him walk and risk the ire of the fans a year after letting fan favorites Curtis Granderson and Placido Polanco walk away? Do the hand the job to ex-Indian and Tiger-for- two-months Jhonny Peralta? Do they explore free agency and offer the big bucks (as I have suggested) to current Red Sox third sacker Adrian Beltre?

Or do they stick with the face of the franchise, the face of futility in my opinion, Mr. Charles Brandon Inge?

No. You let him walk. And you don’t look back.  We need something better if we're going to be a real playoff contender in 2011.

Thanks for the great diving plays, Brandon. Thanks for trying to play when hurt (even though it cost us the AL Central in ’09). Thanks for all the kind words about Detroit and all the time you spent with sick kids. Thanks for all the goofy grins that made me want to steal your lunch money at recess. Hell, thanks for all of the silly material you’ve managed to supply me for this ridiculous blog. Thanks. Seriously.

But it’s time for a change. Adrian Beltre. Jhonny Peralta. Chris Pittaro. Anyone.

A quote from Jim Leyland after Saturday’s win over the Twins, where Brandon actually got the game-winning hit, sums it up for me:

"You worry that he might try to pull a lefty like that. We were yelling at him, 'Don't try to pull him. Stay on him'.”

After ten seasons in the majors, Brandon Inge still does not have the confidence of his manager to do the right thing with the game on the line.

It’s time to say goodbye. It’s been time for a long while now.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Your Party Host Gives His Thoughts on the Upcoming Offseason


So, in my last post I made fun of some hack and what he thought the Tigers should do in preparation for the 2011 season. It’s only fair now that I lay out what I’d like to see the team do.  My dumb ideas can't be any worse than his, right?  Anyone?  Sigh...

Let me preface things by laying out what should be obvious with the club. There are some guys that will definitely begin next year in the D unless Dave Dombrowski has a few too many at a kegger and drunk dials another GM like he did in the Jurrjens/Renteria deal a while back.  So hopefully, these guys should be safe.  They would be:

Catcher: Alex Avila
First Base: Miguel Cabrera
Center Field: Austin Jackson
Infield: Ramon Santiago
Starters: Justin Verlander, Max Scherzer, Rick Porcello
Bullpen: Jose Valverde, Phil Coke, Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry
DH/Second Base/Bench/Disabled List: Carlos Guillen

That leaves question marks at the other catcher, second base, third base, shortstop, the corner outfield spots, DH, two starters, and maybe the bullpen. Good thing there’s money to spend…yikes.

So, let’s take a look at each of these areas, one by one. Keep in mind, though:

1. I’m a moron.
2. I’m not sure exactly how much cash Mr. I is willing to part with next year.
3. Double D and The Marlboro Man share different tastes in players than I do.
4. I’m very unorganized.
5. I’m a moron.

Cool? Let us proceed then.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Worst...Tiger Article...Ever


Apologies to those of you that enjoy what I do here at DNR. I recently started a new position in my company and it’s been taking up a lot more of my time…thus the lack of updates around here. In addition, there really hasn’t been much for me to say lately. I can only make fun of Don Kelly’s lack of ability or Will Rhymes’ inability to get onto roller coasters due to his height so many times.

In addition, my favorite thing to do here at the blog is to find an article that I disagree with and make fun of it, Fire Joe Morgan style. Sadly for me, the usual suspects haven’t been writing anything too terrible lately and that leaves me a sad panda.

/nods to Jamie Samuelsen

/salutes Lynn Henning

/flips off Drew Sharp

Then came today. The freep site has a link to this piece written the other day by Chris Stevens of the Midland Daily News. Chris is the sports editor of the Daily News and he has written what is quite possibly the worst article I have ever seen on the Tigers. Quite a bold statement, I know. But read along with me and you’ll see what I’m getting at.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Catfight: DJ vs JD


Two things about this Derek Jeter fooling the umpire nonsense:

First, no one would care if it weren’t Derek Jeter or the Yankees being involved. The Tigers get screwed by umpires every third game and ESPN can’t be bothered to even show highlights of the game.

Two, if it were A-Rod that did it, the talking heads would be having a field day calling him names. Instead, they’re defending Jeter as if he were their own child. Jamie Samuelsen of the Freep actually beat me to that one. Good job, Jamie. See? I’m fair and balanced.

And seriously, who cares? Jeter’s right. His job is to get on base. If I learned anything from watching wrestling as a kid, it was when Jesse “The Body” Ventura would tell me that you should “win if you can, lose if you must, but ALWAYS cheat”. Wise words, “Body”. They got you elected Governor, in fact.

Anyhoo, today while driving home from work and suffering through what constitutes as sports talk radio, they were babbling about the Jeter crap and one guy , for some reason, brought up Johnny Damon and how similar his stats are to Derek’s for their careers. I’ve seen FSN do the same in the past. So, I thought what better way to see who really is the better player by playing America’s favorite pastime, “Catfight”.

Johnny, Derek…COME ON DOWN! Ten catagories, ten battles. Let’s see who the better man is after the jump.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Scrappy Dappy...Don't


Let me start with an apology of sorts to our little Tinkerbell, Will Rhymes. Will is doing an okay job in his first taste of the big leagues, hitting around .300 and not being too much of a Raburn on defense. He’s definitely done better than I expected him to. Don’t get me wrong…I still can’t stand him starting with Scott Sizemore around, but that’s another story. Point is, sorry, Will. You probably don’t deserve all the scorn I send your way. That kind of stuff should be left to Don Kelly and Brandon Inge.

But this here isn’t really about the runt of the Tiger litter. This is about the lazy, cliché filled way that the media talks about the guy. I hate when I’m trying to unwind from work and then I read something that annoys me to the point of wanting to punch a baby bunny.

Lynn Henning had a perfectly nice piece on Scott Sizemore going, and then we get this:

Sizemore's prime competition is fan favorite Will Rhymes, and for good reason. Rhymes hustles, scraps, gets a couple of hits every other game or so, plays a decent second base, and is one of those 27th-round draft picks who develops at age 27 into a valid big-leaguer.

Hustles! Scrappy! If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Mr. Henning was talking about the Great High Priest of short, crappy ballplayers himself, Mr. David Eckstein! If only we could get that dirty Santiago guy to actually hustle or scrap.

Scrappy. The next guy that calls Rhymes “scrappy” gets a f-cking fork stuck in his eye.

But he’s not done:

Rhymes has talent and will play in the majors. But if Sizemore comes through as anticipated, and with Ramon Santiago under contract next year, Rhymes can help another club in need of a peppery infielder with legitimate skills.

Now I admit, the idea of Rhymes leaving Detroit and playing for another team gives me a special feeling in my crotch area. But I’m talking about the word, “peppery”. Why does the fact that a player is short inspire these guys to describe them that way? It’s giving me brain cancer, kids. I swear.

Let’s go over them once more: Scrappy. Gutsy. Plucky. Pesky. Sparkplug. Throwback. Hustler. Grinder. Feisty. Gamer. A go-getter. All heart. Has moxie. Spunky. And now peppery.

Facepalm.

One final note. Austin Jackson has quickly become one of my favorite Tigers that I’ve had the pleasure of watching over the years. I just love the guy. He doesn’t have a lot of power, though. And he’s really skinny, well under 200 lbs. He hits around .300, with many singles. He hustles on every play, whether in the field or running out a grounder.

Yet do you ever see him being described as “scrappy”, “pesky”, or “peppery”?

No. Something isn’t right white about all that.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Will Rhymes: Movie Star

Does he rescue Brandon Inge and Don Kelly from evil invaders in Chicago White Sox uniforms?  That'd be something I'd pay to see!

Yeah...I've got nothing.  Writer's block is a bitch.  Thanks to Shannon for the idea, though.  Ha...

Friday, September 10, 2010

Our Hero DFA'd...Again


Our Patron Saint has been desigNated once again.

I’ve had quite the busy week at work this week and wasn’t even aware that someone in the Phillies organization gotten drunk/high/crazy enough to call Our Hero up to the big club. But after Wednesday’s outing featuring 2/3 of an inning and giving up 6 runs, Nate has been sent packing, probably for the final time in 2010. How fitting for Post #250 of this silly blog.

In two appearances for Philly, he went one full inning pitched. He allowed 6 hits, 6 runs, walked 2, and struck out 2.

Overall this season, Captain Gumtime has gone from Detroit, to Florida, to Memphis (AAA team of the Cardinals), opted out of that deal to head to Lehigh Valley (AAA team of Philly), to the City of Brotherly Love, and now back to the unemployment line again.

Combined 2010 AAA Numbers
3-2, 7.34 ERA, 30.2 IP, 8 BB, 18 K, 1.63 WHIP

Combined 2010 Major League Numbers
6-8, 5.95 ERA, 101.1 IP, 42 BB, 63K, 1.55 WHIP, 70 ERA+

He made $10 million to do all this, $9.6 million paid for by your Detroit Tigers.

Last Friday, Nate turned 33 years old. (Sorry I missed it, buddy!) He has made over $25.5 million in his nine-year career, one that has seen him put up an ERA+ of 89. A below average pitcher has made over $25 million…and crap, that figure’s actually just in only the past seven years combined. WHAT A COUNTRY!

F-ck you, Dave Dombrowski.

And Nate, I can’t imagine who in their right mind will ever let you pitch for their Major League team again. Take the money and run, brother. Go fishing every day with Bondo or something.

But whatever you do, you’ll always have a home here. I’ll be waiting.

(Thanks to reader, Michael, for being the first to inform me of Our Hero's fate.)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Very Little Middle Ground With This Tiger Team


It’s been a weird season for the Detroit Tigers. From a better than expected first half, the collapse after the All-Star break, the Armando game, the crippling injuries, the major league debuts of so many kids, to the fight back to .500…yeah. It’s been weird.

And it’s been strange on a personal level for me, as well. I’ve never seen a Tiger squad where almost every player fell into a “like him” or “hate him” category in my mind. Usually, there’s a decent amount of guys on the team that I really have no emotional attachment to. Guys like Craig Monroe, for instance. Craig had his moments and never really annoyed me too much. I had no problem with him being on the team. Also, I had no problems when the team let him go.

But this team is different. Almost every guy out there either has me rooting for him, or me wanting me to see him shot by a firing squad. It’s almost like this whole season, I guess. Some days, the Tigers look like world beaters, such as this recent series where we have crippled the White Sox and I love them. Other times, they’re just plain bowling shoe ugly and I wish I were born a fan of the Reds or something.

But I’ll show you what I mean in “stupid list form”. I’ll limit the hitters to at least to those with at least 100 at bats and the pitchers to those with at least 30 innings pitched. I’ll keep it fair to the Jay Sborz’s of the world.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Who Wants To Bid On Don Kelly's Kettle Corn?


This Wednesday, September 8th, you…yes, YOU can bid in an auction on Fox Sports Detroit and purchase gift baskets hand-picked by the wives of your Detroit Tigers and filled with their husband/boyfriend’s favorite things! Holy sh-t! Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Miguel Cabrera’s favorite flask (not used in nearly a year)? Tickets to see a Suns game with G-Money's family?  Will Rhymes’ footie pajamas (size 3T)? Maybe get your grubby little hands on the crayons that Brandon Inge uses to draw on his arms?

Sadly, there’s nothing THAT good in there. Go here to see the whole list. But thankfully, I’m here to go over some of what I think are the highlights of each package...after the jump.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Catfight: 2010 Tigers vs. 2003 Tigers (July 26th Lineups Only)


In the first half of 2010, we saw Zach Miner, Bobby Seay, and then Joel Zumaya step into vicious Tiger traps and be taken from us for the season. Tragic as that was, our Motor City Kitties kept marching through the AL Central jungle and hung with the leaders into the second half. Sadly, injuries would then take out Brandon Inge, Magglio Ordonez, and Carlos Guillen (twice) to send Detroit into a downward spiral that they still haven’t completely recovered from. Dreams of a first place finish quickly faded away.

Then it got worse. Although misery had been gathering for Tiger fans quicker than lint in the navel of Todd Jones, the low point of the season came on July 26th against the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays and Matt Garza. Garza, the former Twin (of course), no-hit the depleted Tiger lineup and became the first (Devil) Ray to throw a no-hitter in team history.

The first thing that I could think of after that game was 2003. For those of you that weren’t around before 2006, the 2003 Tigers famously lost more games than any team in American League history going 43-119. They came one loss from tying the ’62 Mets for the most losses in Major League history. It was a horrible time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone…other than White Sox fans. And Yankee fans. And Red Sox fans.

Anyway, I still haven’t completely gotten over it. And for some reason, I started thinking about the no-no and 2003 again tonight at work as I watched our Tiger Hens struggle to defeat the lowly Kansas City Royals in extra innings. Exactly how much worse were the 2003 Tigers than the 2010 version on that particular date?  Can I really compare them? Obviously, this year’s batch of Tigers, overall, is much better than the ’03 Cats. Those guys would kill for a Cabrera, a Scherzer, a Verlander, a Jackson…hell, maybe even a Peralta.

So, I got the idea to have one of my silly Catfights using only the particular lineups from the July 26th, 2010 Tigers against the Detroiters of July 26th, 2003. I intentionally have not looked at either lineup yet before writing this introduction so I go into this unbiased. By the way, I will be consulting the greatest baseball site of all time, www.baseball-reference.com, to retrieve these lineups. Let’s see how it turns out after the jump.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Tiger Droppings: "Waving the White Flag" Edition


Sorry, Max. You deserved better out there. We traded Edwin Jackson to get you, but sadly, we forgot to get rid of the horrid run support that we always gave him.

Exactly at what point did he replace Verlander as the ace of this staff? Dude is unbelievable lately.

Oh well, onto the Droppings.  Today, I've put together a dazzling half-assed column where I throw in the towel on the 2010 Tigers, make fun of Will Rhymes some more, namedrop Timo Perez again, admit which Tiger frightens me, and actually promote other writers' good work.  Jump with me.