Friday, November 13, 2009

Know Your American League Fans

As an overall group, I think Tiger fans are pretty cool people. Think about it. On what other team could you have tens of millions locked up on useless ballplayers like Nate Robertson, Dontrelle Willis, and Jeremy Bonderman...thus causing the team to not be able to resign good players like Placido Polanco and maybe Brandon Lyon...and the early rumors of the offseason are that the team may unload one or more of the most popular players on the team in Curtis Granderson, Brandon Inge, and Edwin Jackson because they're bleeding money?

Just as sure as the was the longest run-on sentence I've ever typed, in damn near any other city, people would be calling for the GM's head on a platter. He screwed up by giving huge deals to guys that didn't deserve them...and the team is now screwed. But Tiger fans that I've spoken to are taking it in stride. Fans elsewhere would be freaking out. If it were New York or Boston, it would be a heavily debated topic on ESPN. But in Detroit? Not so much. Amazing. Is that cool after all? I dunno.

In all, I think Tiger fans don't expect much. It's been 25 years since Detroit won a World Series. The teams have been pretty much terrible since then with a couple notable exceptions. ('87, '06, '09?) Tiger fans take it on the chin and move on. Truth be told, there's more important things than sports to worry about in Detroit. But what are the characteristics of other AL teams' fans? I thought I'd take a quick look at that with this post.

Boston Red Sox
-Racist and homophobic
-Have at least one kid named Tom, Brady, or Nomar
-Thinks JD Drew would be a superstar if he'd just play more like WelKAH does for the Pats!
-Complains about the Yankee payroll when the Sawx are always second in payroll, dwarfing #3
-Since 2004 have done the impossible in becoming more annoying than Yankee fans

New York Yankees
-Probably also fans of the Lakers, Cowboys, USC, and Duke
-Will talk to you about "True Yankees" like Scott Brosius and Paul O'Neill while not being to explain what a "true" Yankee is
-Feel entitled to the World Series trophy every year...and will constantly mention that they have won 27 championships
-Insist that Derek Jeter is the greatest shortstop ever...meanwhile, if he played on any other team, he would be Michael Young
-Are probably Italian...or very hairy in some way

Toronto Blue Jays
-Say funny things like "aboot", "looney", and "hoser"
-Usually polite until they get drunk--Canadian beer has a higher alcohol proof than our American beers
-Think Joe Carter belongs in the Hall of Fame because Mitch Williams hung a pitch in 1994
-Love Bryan Adams
-Think Roy Halladay should play left wing for the Leafs in the offseason

Baltimore Orioles
-Believe that Peter Angelos is Satan (wrong...David Stern is)
-Lay claim to Babe Ruth since he was born there...silly folks
-Think Nick Markakis would be a superstar in another market (sigh)
-80% of fans couldn't tell you the O's manager on any given day
-Believe that baseball was "saved" because their broken down shortstop was hurting the team by not taking a day off

Tampa Bay Rays
-All over the age of 59 years old
-Freak out over the word "Devil" for some reason
-Would attend more games, but are usually in bed by the 7pm starting times
-Wish the grandkids would call more often
-Enjoy Ensure, "60 Minutes", and Jay Leno's "edgy" brand of humor

Chicago White Sox
-Think Ozzie Guillen is a rational human being
-Also own Bulls and Raiders Starter caps/coats
-Cannot be trusted...they cheer for AJ Pierzynski, for crissakes
-Fatter than Cecil Fielder on a month long ice cream binge
-Have no soul

Minnesota Twins
-Think sideburns are dreamy
-For most, the first black man they ever saw in person was Kirby Puckett
-Would be more interested if Brett Favre were somehow involved
-Children think baseball should naturally be played on concrete, surrounded by garbage bags
-Males usually pee sitting down

Cleveland Indians
-Haven't been sober since Pat Tabler was on the team
-Best fans at throwing "Goodbye" parties since every athlete leaves town whenever they prove they are any good (Manny, Thome, Sabathia, Lee, Blake, Belle, soon to be Lebron, etc)
-Believe that "Major League" was a documentary
-Have a group called "Grady's Ladies" who are much like Brandon Inge's female fans, except that they're usually under 200 lbs.
-Think that racist logos are funny

Kansas City Royals
-Forced to get excited by signings of failures from other crappy teams
-Feel inferior to Cardinals fans who are a stone's throw away rubbing their futility in their faces
-Hate the smell of pine tar
-Think fountains are pretty
-Still bitter after being promised that Alex Gordon was the next George Brett

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
-Indecisive...can't figure out where their team is located
-Will tell you that rally monkey tastes like chicken
-Feel superior to Dodger fans because they leave games in the bottom of the 7th inning instead of the top of the 7th
-Actually miss Darin Erstad and David Eckstein's "scrappiness", even though they were terrible at baseball
-Own stock in Disney

Oakland Athletics
-Too poor to live in San Francisco
-Think steroids aren't a big deal--I believe they used to be sold in vending machines at the stadium
-Would attend more games if they had cool, scary costumes to wear like Raider fans
-Still think that Billy Beane is a genius despite zero World Series appearances with him in charge
-Couldn't pick a single player on the team out of a police lineup

Seattle Mariners
-Most likely Asian
-Enjoys rain showers, flannel shirts, and heroin
-In extreme denial over Ken Griffey's current talent level
-Think that since they can throw a fish, they could play at a "Jay Buhner" level
-In a band...could be HUGE if they'd just get a break

Texas Rangers
-75% illegal aliens, 25% crooked Texas oil men
-Think that with Josh Hamilton's resume, he could be governor, owner of the team, or president
-Care more about high school football than the Rangers...despite not being in high school, having any kids in high school, or a high school diploma
-Would enjoy team more if they involved cocaine and prostitutes more like the Cowboys do
-Wear funny hats all the time

Be happy that you're a Tiger fan. You may not get to enjoy victory as much as others can, but at least you can look at yourself in the mirror every day and not see a terrible human being.


JTL said...

You should add something for Jays fans:

- Think Gary Bettman is the devil

Plus, Carter hit that pitch in '93, not '94 -- there was no WS that year. (Go Expos!)

Tiger Fan in Toronto

OldEnglish said...

Happy one-year anniversary, a few days late.

Rogo said...

Same to you, Jen. Thanks.

Misopogon said...

Actually, it wasn't so much that the Tampa Bay Rays had a thing against the Devil -- he just could no longer afford his naming rights, having invested everything with Madoff.

Misopogon said...

Actually, it wasn't so much that the Tampa Bay Rays had a thing against the Devil -- he just could no longer afford his naming rights, having invested everything with Madoff.