Sunday, August 9, 2009

Keeping Score #2: Tigers/Twins 8/8/09

Hey, kids. Hope you like the new look of the site. I got bored last night and decided to try and improve the look. Not the content, though…obviously. Response was good when I did this Keeping Score thing the other day, so we’ll give it another shot. I’ve got nothing better to do tonight other than get drunk and fall down a lot, so what the hell? As always, if you insist on taking everything that I say serious, go here, instead. Otherwise, let’s see if we can take another game from those rat bastards from Minnesota. Here we go.

-Welcome to Fiesta Tigres night in Detroit. It’s been a raining all day around here. I hope nobody’s back gets wet today. Yikes…sorry.

-Comedian Robin Williams appears to be our staring pitcher tonight. When did we sign him? Oh, it’s Verlander. I saw those forearms and just assumed. Seriously, the guy’s arms look like Chewbacca’s.

-Rod tells us that Mauer’s a career .407 hitter against JV. Bean him in the face, I say.

-What’s the over/under on how many times Rod and Mario speak broken Spanish and then giggle like idiots afterward? I’m guessing in the twenties.


-Denard Span leads off with a double. There goes the no hitter. Can we take our scouting report on this guy and toss it on the next fire that the bullpen starts?

-Orlando Cabrera was acquired from the A’s for some reason and bats second. Too bad they didn’t start Nick Punto at short on Fiesta Tigres day. His name is more fun to try and translate.

-Cabrera grounds out to second advancing Span to third.

-Joe Mauer’s sideburns are up now. Those things are so perfectly groomed that they should be named “Matt” and “Wieters”.

-And the pitch...

-Mauer homers on the first pitch to left field. Are you f-ing kidding me?

-2-0, Twins.

-Rod immediately calls Mauer “calliente”. F-you, Rod. Don’t be silly right now.

-Filthy Canadian, Justin Morneau, comes up and bombs one to the left center wall where Our Savior, Clete Thomas hauls it in. Didn’t get enough of the ball, eh?

-Jason Kubel is next. Old English D’s Jen thinks that I look like this guy. He looks like a date rapist, so she could be correct.

-Kubel strikes out. Yeah, I used to do that when I played, too. End of inning.


-Denard Span’s in centerfield for the Twins. Did you know that he and fellow Twins outfielder Carlos Gomez are the Great Lakes Tag Team Champions as “Spic and Span”? Zing.

-Sorry…not sure if that’s racist. I hope not…not on Fiesta Tigres night. But hey…I’m half Polish. No group of people have suffered through more jokes at our expense than the Polacks. I don’t see Al Sharpton or the ACLU sticking up for the ‘ski’s of the world. And it’s not racist if it’s about the Twins or White Sox. They’re not even real people. Bloody savages.

-In addition, I voted for Obama. Well, actually, I didn’t vote. But I would have voted for him. Trouble is, Shawshank Redemption was on TNT and that NEVER happens, so I didn’t have time. “Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.” Ahh, Morgan Freeman. Love that guy.

-Can we get Morgan Freeman to call a game with Rod one of these days? No offense to Mario, but can you imagine Freeman describing Ryan Raburn fumbling around after a ball he misplayed like a moron out in left field? That would be glorious.

-What…there’s a ballgame going on? Sorry about that.

-Leading off for the Tigers is Curtis Granderson. He faces Carl Pavano, who the Twins picked up this week, probably just to face us. The Tigers are the only team he can beat this year.

-Granderson continues his trend of swinging for the fences instead of acting like a table setter and strikes out.

-Mr. Potato Head is up playing a lot better lately. Four hits yesterday. Hey, whaddya know? Polonco immediately singles to center.

-Clete Thomas is due up, but first has business to attend to. You see, there’s a man on crutches waving Clete over. He looks to have a broken leg…car accident, it seems. Clete smiles and places his hands over the man’s multiple fractures. A bright glow appears around the injured leg as Clete’s face breaks into at least five hundred facial ticks! The fans around the area gasp as they can HEAR the bones moving back into place! The leg is healed as the Cult rejoices! The man thanks a smiling Clete and begins dancing up and down the aisle stairs, when suddenly, he trips and falls down twenty steps splitting open his head and breaking his arm. The crowd is stunned as Clete sheepishly shuffles to the batter’s box and the man is taken away by EMTs. The Cult does not notice this development.

-Back to the ballgame, Clete fits his batting helmet over his halo and steps in. Our #3 hitter, Clete Thomas. Sigh. World Series or bust.

-Pavano was given Torii Hunter’s number. What a dick move by the Twins.

-Clete flies out to Mr. Span. Denard will burn in hell for that.

-Miguel Cabrera salsa dances his way to the plate. He grounds out on the first pitch. This fiesta is off to a bad start.


-Michael Cuddyer leads off. JV’s working quickly and strikes him out on three pitches.

-One down for Delmon Young. He brings back memories of Big Brother Dmitri by grounding out on the first pitch.

-HEY! Nick Punto IS playing today! At third base, I guess. Donde esta La Puntaria? That’s the only thing I know how to ask in Spanish.

-Punto strikes out because he's terrible and JV’s out of there after 9 pitches.


-Tomorrow is Miguel Cabrera Growth Chart Day. What…are they giving out scales?

-Carlos Guillen creaks his body up to the plate to lead off. Pavano gets him to pop out to Casilla at second on two pitches.

-Magglio comes up and is first pitch swinging…base hit! 4/6 guys have swung at the first pitch tonight. Not a good sign, methinks.

-Brandon Inge uses his bat as a cane and comes up. If he’s hurt, wouldn’t it be better to call Hessman up and let Brandon rest up for September? I’m pretty sure Big Mike could come up and hit .150 with the occasional home run.

-Pavano tries to put Inge on the DL himself by beaning him in the shoulder. HEY! No one picks on Brandon but me, you sonova...!

-Gerald Laird is up, hurting Alex Avila’s Rookie of the Year numbers. Think ‘ol G-Money’s been dying a bit inside with each extra base hit and RBI the kid’s put up the past couple days? At least Mr. Misty-May Treanor took the easy way out and isn’t being embarrassed by one of the boss’ kids.

-Here in Toledo, on the evening news they reported some guy threatening to jump off a bridge while screaming that Avila was ruining his life. They weren’t sure that they got his name right before the authorities got to him, but they thought he said he was “Rusty Dyan”. Wonder what he has against young Alex? People are crazy…

-Anyhoo, Laird has two on with one out. I smell a double play…that or the Fiesta Night nachos are strong.

-Laird tries to get doubled up (bless him), but it takes a bad hop and hits Punto in the face, or close to it. Rally time?

-All 140 pounds of Adam Everett steps into the box with the bases loaded. He does have a granny this year. How about another?

-That statement was sillier than Rod Allen on magic mushrooms as Everett strikes out easily.

-Granderson’s up with two down. First pitch, check swing, tapped back to the mound. Sigh. End of inning.


-The White Sox are beating Cleveland 1-0 right now. We need to build a lead on those pricks before Peavy comes back.

-Alexi Casilla leads off for the Twinkies. Too bad. I was hoping Matt Tolbert would be playing. I love hearing Rod talk about him like he’s Chase Utley or something.

-Casilla taps out to Polly.

-Denard Span’s up again. Ha…Mario says the Leyland remarked before the game that Span hits the Tigers like he’s in their scouting meetings before the game. Wow…they actually have scouting meetings, after all. The way they approach Span, Mauer, Luke Scott, Kelly Shoppach, Joe Crede, Jim Thome,and Jermaine Dye, I’d have never guessed it.

-Crede...why isn't he playing? He'd better be hurt, or Gardenhire's a moron.

-Span singles off of Verlander’s glove. Yep. Great scouting report.

-Cabrera lines into a double play. Mario gets the first lame “Johnny on the Spot” remark out of the way today referring to Polonco. End of inning.


-Polonco leads off the inning. His average is up to .273. He flies out to center.

-Hey…the Yanks shut out the Sawx, 5-0 today. Want to bet that if a plane crashed into Comerica Park tonight killing both teams, Sportscenter’s lead story would still be the NY/Boston game?

-At least we'll be able to see Tiger highlights this week on ESPN without waiting until the last ten minutes of the show. That's about the only good thing I can see coming out of the Boston road trip.

-Clete comes up. On 1-2, he takes a pitch right down the middle that the ump calls “ball 2”. I guess he decided that since Clete is infallible, it must have been a ball. He then grounds out on the next pitch.

-Two outs for Cabrera. Cabrera wants the ball checked and the ump throws it away. Weird. New baseball, same result: Cabrera easily flies out to right to end the inning.


-AFLAC: Who was the first Latino player inducted into the Hall of Fame?

-Mauer leads off. Hit him, Justin! In the face!

-He strikes him out on three pitches? Holy thunder!

-That hoser, Morneau, is up. He taps it to short for the second out. JV’s on a roll, now…unlike me. One and a half of these things and I’m out of bad jokes already. Anyone like knock-knock jokes?

-Kubel, the Apparently Handsome, is next. Justin gets him to tap to first and we’re done with this inning.


-AFLAC answer: Roberto Clemente! Your prize for getting it right? More bad Spanish jokes by Mario and Rod! Exceliente!

-By the way, I heard how they’re keeping Guillen sorta healthy. They’ve got Clete spitting in a cup and Kevin Rand is rubbing the saliva on Carlos’ shoulder! Why didn’t I think of that? Keep that stuff away from Nate’s elbow, though. We don’t need him back just yet.

-Carlos swings at a pitch at his shoes (he does that a lot) and pops out weakly to center.

-C’mon, you guys. This is Carl Pavano on the mound. He’s already shut you down three times this year. The rest of the league hits him like he’s Armando Galaragga. How do you look this bad against him?

-Maggs steps in and takes strike one. I miss the flowing locks…I have to admit it. Isn’t he due to be released any day now? He’s got to be only around 90 at bats away from the option for next year kicking in.

-He flies out to left. Two down.

-Inge waves and misses horribly at the first pitch. Rod calls Pavano’s command over the Tigers amazing. I call it disgusting. Amazing is the fact that Inge waved and missed again at the exact same pitch for strike two.

-Pavano’s 5-1 against the White Sox and Tigers this year. The Minnesota GM says that had nothing with the Twins acquiring him. Rod and I agree for the first time ever…we aren’t buying that.

-And Inge can’t buy a hit by swinging and missing for strike three. Give me Hessman, please. Brandon needs to be put on “time out” for a couple weeks. Just do it, Brandon. Imagine the mustache you could grow in that time!


-Fifth inning? Already?

-They have Mario and sigh, Rodrigo, piƱatas. And a picture of Rod, Mario, and Paws as the Three Amigos. Why do I root for these guys?

-Cuddyer leads off with a double to left center. Don’t pout, Justin. Please don’t pout.

-Little Dmitri (and his complete lack of the power that he used to have, cough, roids) is next. They traded Matt Garza and Jason Bartlett for Young. That’s worse than Jurrjens for Renteria.

-Strike two sees Delmon almost fall down swinging. Again, memories of Dmitri.

-By the way, get well, Dmitri. Hope you’re not done.

-Young fowls one off of Larid’s mask. Avila would have caught it with his teeth.

-Magglio takes the worst route ever to a fly ball, but manages to catch it. Cuddyer scoots over to third.

-Infield comes in with one out and Punto up. Rod tells us that Verlander has the ability to get a strikeout of Punto here. Also, water is wet, grass is green, and Rod Allen tends to talk too much.

-JV’s trying to be cute. 3-0 on friggin’ Nick Punto. He never learns.

-Punto walks. First and third. One out. Casilla coming up. Leyland looking pissed. Clete looking lost. Me looking bored. Megan Fox looking hot.

-Casilla flies to shallow center. Cuddyer takes off for home and Grandy…can’t get him. WFT, Curtis? When did you get a Johnny Damon arm?

-3-0 Twins.

-Tony Gwynn, er, Denard Span is up. 6-8 in the series, so far. Inge and Laird both try to talk to Verlander, but JV tells them to f-off. Avila probably would have broke down crying there. I don’t blame him. No wonder Leyland won’t let him catch Justin yet.

-Now Justin balks. Rod says his spikes got caught. Don’t pout, Justin!

-Polonco saves a run by making a diving catch. He couldn’t get anything on the throw, though, and Span has an infield single. Well, when you throw him another fastball right down the middle, what do you expect?

-We need to get Orlando Cabrera here so we can hold Mauer to a solo homer in the next inning.

-Verlander cranks up to 98 mph and strikes him out swinging. Nice.


-We’re brought to you by Belle Tire today. In the past couple months, I’ve taken my car to them three times for a slow leak in my front right tire. Three times, they can’t find anything wrong. It still leaks. Screw Belle Tire.

-Laird grounds out to third on the second pitch. That’s 9 in a row retired by Pavano.

-Adam Everett’s up. Rod’s talking about how it’s weird that Philly would have the “great” Pedro in the bullpen instead of starting. Someone remind Mr. Allen that it isn’t 2004 anymore.

-Holy hell, Everett doubles to right.

-Let’s see if Curtis continues being worthless today…

-Oooh. Cleveland’s up 4-1 on Chicago. Can we get rid of all of our high priced players and start winning more like the Tribe is doing?

-Grandy drops one into right for a single. Everett must have gotten a horrible read on it, because they stop him at third.

-Time for some Potato Head magic!

-Abracadabra, Polonco hits into a double play. Dammit.

-Great play by the Twins all around, I have to admit. Inning over.


-The Antichrist (Anti-Clete?) Joe Mauer leads off. Hey, he pops out. Whew.

-Morneau stops thinking about hockey long enough to come up. He stares out at Justin and again starts thinking of power plays, slap shots, and Sidney Crosby. Then he thinks about back bacon. By the time he snaps out of it, Justin throws ball four. Dammit.

-Stand up double for Jason Kubel. I hate the Twins. And I look nothing like this prick, Jen.

-4-0 Twins.

-Cuddyer strikes out. Two down.

-Delmon Young smacks a single up the middle. Kubel waddles his way home as again, Grandy’s throw is a moment too late.

-5-0 Twins.

-Punto is up. My attention to this game is waning. I think CSI: Miami is on A&E right now. Sue me…Caruso makes me laugh.

-Young helps things out by being a greedy prick and is thrown out stealing by Laird. Three outs.


-Clete walks up to a Latino family in the crowd. He asks to borrow a young boy’s sombrero. He twitches his eyebrows a couple times, waves his fingers, a flash of light, and WOW! A rainbow appears out of the sombrero. Clete smiles and The Cult rejoices! But, oh no…the family is shreaking and the boy’s grandmother keeps making the sign of the cross. “Es el Diablo!”, they keep yelling while pointing at Thomas. Clete tears up and heads to the plate. Apparently, his savior status has not reached Mexicantown quite yet. The Cult does not acknowledge this as they don’t speak Spanish.

-Clete’s hitting .265. 265…hey, that’s my credit score!

-Pavano hangs one right down the middle and…sigh. Pop out to center field.

-No one’s on base, so it’s safe for Miguel to get a hit here. I’m pretty sure that’s how he thinks.

-Ouch! Cabrera gets beaned in the elbow. They hit our best hitter. If Mauer doesn’t take one off of his sideburns, then JV is a wuss.

-Guillen takes strike three right down the middle on three pitches. Go back on the DL, Carlos. Any way we can trade him for Gary Sheffield?

-Two outs for the guy that used to be Magglio Ordonez. Pavano continues looking like Roger Clemens by striking Maggs out.


-Chris Lambert is the new Tigers pitcher. Well, Leyland’s given up on this one. I see Lambert has taken Nate’s spot at the “human white flag” in the bullpen. How nice.

-First pitch, Punto singles to left.

-Casilla singles to left. Clete decides to play “Bad News Bears” and air mails Inge at third when no one is even running to third. Both runners advance. Yep…DFA Anderson and trade him for cash. No use for him. We’ve got Clete. Leyland's pet.

-Span pops up to left…and Clete almost falls down! Ball drops in for a “hit”. Span’s 4-4 and the run scores.


-6-0 Minnesota.

-Can we trade Clete to Mexico for Timo Perez? It is Fiesta Tigres day, after all.

-Cabrera pops out. Way to go, Lambert.

-Mauer’s up. Ha! Lambert went WAY inside. Didn’t hit him, though. If you’re going to make a point, Chris, drill the guy. Then hit Morneau, too, that maple syrup drinking bastard.

-Joey Sideburns draws a walk. Bases loaded for Morneau. Time to start drinking.

-Maple Leaf Muscle has two grand slams this year. Hold your breath, kids. Then again, it’s 6-0…I’m probably the only Tigers fan not at the game that’s still watching. So, go screw yourselves.

-Single to center. Two runs score. Chris Lambert. Yep. Good move, Jim. Still only one out.

-8-0 Twins.

-Down by 8 in a game that Verlander started. Didn’t see that one coming.

-Then again, I'm a retard. I picked the Tribe to take the Central at the beginning of the year. Shut up...I wasn't the only one.

-Kubel comes up with runners at 1st and 2nd. Lambert manages to strike him out somehow. Two down.

-White Sox tied the game against Cleveland on homers by Thome and Quentin. When It rains, it pours. Too bad we didn’t get rained out.

-Cuddyer takes Lambert to the warning track 410 feet away in center for the third out. Inning over and I hope Lambert will be on a bus back to Toledo tomorrow morning.


-Gimpy Knees leads it off. He still appears to have a bunch of dirt on his upper lip. Keep trying, kid. Inge pops up to first.

-Carl Pavano. Seriously?

-Rod’s talking about the Red Sox. Says Beckett is their only good pitcher not on the DL with the Tigers coming into town next week. As I’m screaming “Jon Lester and Brad Penny” at my TV, he and Mario finally remember them.

-Laird out, Everett out. I’m about done, myself.


-Santiago takes over at second since Placido doesn’t play in blow outs.

-Young flies out. Does he have flames on his arms like Dmitri did? That’d be awesome.

-Punto up. Punto out.

-Mario tells me that Mike Maroth just had a baby girl. I hope he finds a job to support her.

-Casilla walks.

-Span is up again. He’s 4-4. Again. Lambert learns NOTHING from the past two days and gives up a single up the middle. Again.

-Raburn’s playing first. I didn’t even notice. Apparently, the defense hasn’t looked lost enough for Jim tonight.

-Orlando Cabrera is up with runners at first and third. He fouls a line shot towards the seats on the first base side. Sombreros went flying everywhere. I laughed…I admit it.

-Hit to the gap, Cabrera with a two run triple. Curtis dove for it…he doesn’t quit.

-10-0 Twins.

-Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

-Mauer is up. Why is he still playing in this game? I hope he gets hurt. Put him on the DL with a bruised sideburn, Lambert!

-Mario wants to know if there’s a chance Mauer would leave after next year when he’s a free agent. With the Twins payroll? Does the pope crap in the woods, Mario?

-Mauer with an RBI single to center. Lambert out, Miner in. Great. That’s an improvement.

-11-0, A-Holes lead.

-Morneau is the first guy Miner will face. And he taps back to Zach for the third out. How nice.


-New pitcher! Yes! Mijares is his last name. Nice of the Twins to throw a Latino pitcher against us tonight. Add insult to injury. And Thames will bat for Granderson here. Fine with me. It’s a blow out and Grandy hits Everett’s weight against lefties.

-Glad that Pavano and his eyebrows are out of the game. Those things are hairier than Verlander’s arms.

-Marcus flies out to center.

-Santiago’s up to make sure that all of our Latin players get a chance to play poorly on Fiesta Tigres night.

-White Sox are up 6-5.

-Santiago grounds out to Punto. Yes, I’m running out of gas, here.

-Oh, what the hell. It’s 11-0, I’ll do one more tonight. Clete walks over to a young Latino youth in the crowd. He asks him if there’s anything he can do for him. The boy says, “You can’t even play defense, ese! What ju gonna do for me?” Clete wrinkles his brow and nods to The Cult who procede to pummel the boy until security breaks it up. The Cult is not pleased with Fiesta Tigres Day. Neither am I, down 11 runs.

-Rod says that Mijares has 95 in his back pocket. I check my back pocket and find a condom that expired two years ago. I’m so lonely…

-Clete strikes out. The Cult is too busy eating tacos to notice.


-Thames goes in to play left and Leyland shows he still has a sense of humor by putting Clete in center.

-Kubel grounds to Santiago…who plays it lazy. Goes under the glove for a hit.

-5-4-3 double play gets rid of Cuddyer and we quickly have two outs.

-Delmon Young faces Miner. He eyes him up like Dmitri eyes up a ham sandwich.

-Strike three. We’re almost done…I promise.


-Some happy salsa music is played as the AT&T Rapid Rewind shows replays of the Twins beating up on the Tigers all night. Cute.

-F-You, FSD.

-Glen Perkins is the new pitcher. Isn’t he a starter?

-Rod says Pavano has pushed Perkins to the pen. Sucks to be him.

-Raburn’s tongue steps into the box, quickly followed by Ryan Raburn. He flies out.

-Guillen bats lefty against the left hander, Perkins. Clete hasn’t worked on that shoulder enough, I guess. Rub some dirt on it, Carlos!

-The Twins have scored 73 runs in 10 games against us this year. All that despite them only having two good offensive players in their lineup.

-Guillen walks. He must not be trying to make it out in time to catch the UFC pay per view like the rest of the guys seem to be doing.

-Magglio’s up. He’s got a weird goutee thing going tonight.

-Soft single to left. First and Second, one out.

-Special Little Guy steps in. Jerk in the crows yells, “C’mon, Inge, get a hit!” Sigh. No, Brandon’s trying to hit into a double play, moron. Baseball fans annoy me to no end. I’m glad that I’m not one.

-Brandon hits it hard, but Span runs it down. Carlos advances to third without pulling anything and there are two outs.

-Laird is the last hope. He grounds out on the first pitch as Alex Avila gives him the finger. Your final score is 11-0.

Wow. That was depressing. Carl Pavano improves to 4-0 against the Tigers this year and I am out of here. Thanks for stopping by.

Worst fiesta ever.

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