Saturday, May 23, 2009

Catfight: Sheff vs. Clete

It's a Battle of the Titans as I compare our old #3 guy to our, sigh, new #3 guy. It's Gary Sheffield vs. Clete Thomas! Gary's numbers are currently .257, 3, 9, .396, .459 in 74 at bats in New York, while Clete's hitting .286, 1, 6, .375, .429 in 56 at bats. Gary has the early lead, but we can go deeper than that, can't we?

1. Looks
Sheff: Like a man-beast.
Clete: Constipated.
Advantage: Sheffield.

2. Major League Teams
Sheff: Has played for 8 of them.
Clete: 8 have heard of him.
Advangage: Sheffield.

3. All Star Games
Sheff: Played in 9.
Clete: Voted in 4.
Advantage: Sheffield.

4. 500+
Sheff: Homers and counting.
Clete: Cult Members.
Advantage: Sheffield.

5. Walks
Sheff: 70-100 times per year.
Clete: To the bus stop to get to the balkpark.
Advantage: Sheffield

6. The Cream
Sheff: Took with Barry Bonds.
Clete: Now shaves TWICE a week!
Advantage: Clete. No one wins with PEDs.

7. Favorite Uncle
Sheff: Dwight Gooden
Clete: Uncle Pete?
Advantage: Clete. Say no to drugs, kids.

8. Defense
Sheff: 1 error the past two years.
Clete: 4 errors the past two years.
Advantage: Clete. C'mon...I've played about as much MLB outfield as Gary has the past two years.

9. Latinos
Sheff: Says they're easy to control.
Clete: Controlled by the Venezuelans.
Advantage: Clete. Can't go against Magglio.

10. Costing Us
Sheff: $13.6 million to play in New York
Clete: Probably the minimum
Advangage: Clete. Bang for the buck.

And Clete comes from behind to...tie? We need a tie breaker...

11. Scrappy
Clete: Term used to describe him.
Gary: His drug dealer's nickname.
Advantage and winner: CLETE!

Well, the numbers don't lie. I guess I should shut up over my disgust over Gary leaving as Michael Clete Thomas has come out on top in the end.

Tonight: Game 2 against the Colorado Grillis. Can we win 8 in a row?

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