Friday, November 28, 2008

A Tigers Christmas Poem

Christmas Tiger Pictures, Images and Photos
Thanksgiving's over and that puts us officially into the holiday season. Hooray. Since the Tigers haven't offered us any gifts yet this offseason, I give you mine. Sure, it's early, but everyone's been good this year, right?

A Visit From St. Leyland
Twas the night before Christmas,
At Comerica Park.
Not a deal had been reported,
The fans being left in the dark.

Dave Dombrowski was nestled,
All snug in his bed,
While visions of Julio Lugo,
Danced in his head.

When at the front door,
There arose such a clatter!
Dave jumped out of bed,
To see what was the matter.

Through the halls of his mansion,
He flew like a flash,
But stopped at a bookcase,
To hide Magglio's bonus cash.

Approaching the front door,
He thought he would choke.
The stench was of cheap whiskey,
And cigarette smoke.

And who when opening
The front door would appear?
It was a wasted Jim Leyland,
His face twisted in fear.

He'd been drinking all day,
His roster made him feel ill.
So to Dave's house he went,
And he was going for the kill.

"Screw Lugo, Screw Jack Wilson,
Forget Cora and Khalil!
No more Sheffields or Edgars,
This time make a GOOD deal!"

"And find me a catcher!
You traded mine for The Farns!
Dusty Ryan couldn't hit
The broad side of a barn."

"My bullpen's in shambles,
And that Willis, I do hate!
And do me a favor,
Release that worthless punk, Nate."

Jim paused at this point,
Took a swig from his flask.
He lit up a Marlboro,
His fury not able to mask.

He pointed at Dave,
And let you a yell!
"If you fire me for YOUR mess,
You'll be burning in hell!"

"When I started with this team,
They hadn't won a thing!
An embarassment on the field,
And owned by the Pizza King."

"Then you brought over Pudge,
Got Rogers and Maggs.
But the guys we have now,
Are nothing more than scumbags!"

"Sheffield is done,
Now that he has to pee in a cup.
And that idiot, Bonderman,
Still can't learn a changeup."

"Inge's batting average,
Still at the Mendoza line.
And do I have to start Ramon?
He should be riding the pine."

"Just give me something!
A Fuentes or a Furcal.
Just no more Gary Glovers,
He throws too much like a gal."

"Just help me out, Dave.
I don't care what you pay.
I mean, for crissakes...
I'm smoking four packs a day!"

"What the hell's wrong with you?"
Dave let you with a yell.
"If I liked to be losing,
We'd still have Buddy Bell!"

"I gave you winning pieces,
And this ballclub's become cursed!
I mean pick Guillen's position!
Is it left, third, or first?"

"Be harder on these guys!
And teach them to win!
Now, get off of my property,
And don't come back here again!"

Dave slammed closed the door,
And let out a sigh.
He somehow felt better,
And didn't know if to laugh or to cry.

But out on the lawn,
Leyland felt like a sap.
So he dropped down his pants,
And on the porch left a big crap.

And now finally leaving,
Final words Jim had gasped:
"Screw you Dave Dombrowski!
Thanks to you we'll still be last!"

Here's to a happy holiday season, kids. I wish you all the best. Thanks for reading.

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